Friend is having an affair both are married.

[Themind]

My friend has been married to her husband for 10 years two girls age 8 and 5. As far as I am aware no particular issues with their marriage we have been friends for about 6 years and re quite close. Husband seems like a nice guy but I don't know him as well. I was aware about two years ago she'd had a fling but it had allegedly ended before she'd told me. My husband and I went to the theatre yesterday and ther she was with the man she'd had the fling with earlier. She realised I'd seen her and looked shocked but sat down so I didn't approach. Queue a phone call this morning and several others throughout the day begging me noto to say anything to her husband. She confessed that she had never ended it with him first time round and had carried on cheating. He has lots of money wife doesn't understand him all the usual tripe and he won't leave because his wife will be entitled to half his cash.
She loves him apparently and would leave her husband in a heart beat. Please tell me what to do? I have a incline to walk away and never talk to her again, my husband suggested give her an ultimatum and tell her that if she doesn't tell him I will. I'm scared to death that I wouldn't want to be responsible for ruining their girls lives but ultimately she has cheated her husband and children hasn't she? I'd rather know I I was her husband.
Any ideas welcome, I hate this.

You'd tell me without knowing if hearing it from you could be harmful to me?
Last year I sat by the bedside of a young man who'd attempted suicide after receiving a text to say his partner was cheating. The message had come when he was alone and vulnerable. It wasn't the fact of the cheating that caused him to do it (he still knows she cheated, but doesn't want to die because of it) it was the timing when he was in a very bad place already.
Obviously the sender of the message didn't know that, which is the whole point. If you don't know for sure what you're interfering in, you don't go blundering in to satisfy your own thirst for revenge by proxy.

if someone hit my baby, no one would think “oh, I shouldn’t tell them, they’ll be hurt if they find that out”.

Affairs aren't child abuse.

It’s literally in the OP

Please tell me what to do? I have a incline to walk away and never talk to her again, my husband suggested give her an ultimatum and tell her that if she doesn't tell him I will.

Like you said, it was really clear in the OP’s first post. She wrote it there in black and white. It was DH’s suggestion.

I never said I was making up a scene 🙄

So?

Oh, now you're not even trying.

A complete false equivalence isn't a valid point. My husband wanted you to know that.

AnxiousPancreas he didn't undertake to tell, not get himself involved. Your 'scene' did exactly that with the express objective of distancing the OP from recriminations but dropping her husband in it. What was that about in the grand scheme of 'doing the right thing' then?

you don't go blundering in to satisfy your own thirst for revenge by proxy.

Do you understand that you're in your own little fantasy world @5128gap? This has no relevance to anything in this thread.

Eh? It's directly relevant. It's literally a story of what can happen when you blunder in without knowing what your input might do.

So he should suggest to OP that she tell but for her to say the same back to him is a “scene”? Ok then. Just admit you didn’t read the OP properly because you clearly didn’t based on your last comment where you made flat-out incorrect statements about it, and then invented a reason to be mad at me from your own misunderstanding. It’s dull.

I think if it was really good friend I'd support her. Wouldn't tell the husband . I can't see a scenario where I would tell the husband what a friend of mine was doing.

No, it's being hurled as an accusation at other posters who aren't doing anything of the sort.

An account of a situation where telling someone about an affair led to serious harm for the person, by way of illustration that its not necessarily the right thing to do is irrelevant and me living in a fantasy world? OK. No real rebuttal of the point I made I take it then?

Last year I sat by the bedside of a young man who'd attempted suicide after receiving a text to say his partner was cheating. The message had come when he was alone and vulnerable. It wasn't the fact of the cheating that caused him to do it (he still knows she cheated, but doesn't want to die because of it) it was the timing when he was in a very bad place already.

Surely it would have had the same impact had he seen evidence of her cheating (rather than a text)? Cheaters fault 100%, she had zero consideration for him whatsoever even at his lowest. It's quite horrid actually that someone could do that

Comparing abuse to abuse isn’t a false equivalence just because you don’t think one kind of abuse “counts” in your own personal opinion. I, frankly, couldn’t give a shit about your DH’s desires but I’m glad you’ve double-checked with a man what opinions we’re all supposed to have.

Who's she accusing? Of what?

How is an anecdote about someone revealing an affair not relevant in a thread about revealing affairs?

AnxiousPancreas, my last post to you, lest you think I may be 'mad' at you.

No, I was clear. My reading of the OP is that she spotted the friend as did her husband. She took it up with him and - here I am surmising - badgered him about it to the point where he told the OP to tell then. Where did OP say that HE was going to do so? Nowhere.

It is dull though. On that we can agree.

Affairs aren't child abuse. They're not assaulting children. They're two adults having consensual sex even though at least one person promised they wouldn’t. They're not good, but if you truly truly think they're equivalent to attacking babies, maybe you should let your husband decide everything you do.

And if you don't like using men to sanction opinions, maybe rethink your loony "I'm doing this because my husband says so" idea for revealing affairs.

Honestly, this is now more desperate than Prince Harry's press officer. Utterly risible.

“Your reading” of the OP doesn’t really matter. What matters is the words she said and the meaning of those words in reality. I could invent things to if I’m that desperate to be right. Fortunately, I was right without inventing things.

I said “abuse”, not “child abuse” 🙄

You are accusing others posters of - and I quote you directly again - blundering in to satisfy your own thirst for revenge by proxy.

There is absolutely nothing in this thread to support the accusation that anyone here is 'satisfying a thirst for revenge by proxy'.

Posters here who would consider telling the husband have been clear about our motivations. You have not troubled yourself to read us accurately. Instead you project your own prejudices onto us.

If you read the OP my husband suggested that I tell not that anyone is going wading in. I definitely wouldn't do it anonymously that's just shit. I deliver difficult news regularly so I certainly don't have any problem taking ownership of my opinions.
Another phonecall this evening moving from upset to elated telling me she'd leave her husband in a heartbeat if the other man would leave his wife.

my husband suggested give her an ultimatum and tell her that if she doesn't tell him I will.

He was not suggesting that HE gave her an ultimatum, nor that HE would tell her that if she didn't tell him then HE would.

That's copied and pasted from the OP itself.

Line now drawn ==============================

Why is she involving you further in her drama?

I do agree with something many others have said: you aren't obliged to put up with this. Ditch her if you want to.

No, he suggested that she tell the husband. I suggested that she suggest that he tells the husband. How is that so hard to understand?

You said that the husband hadn’t suggested it and then backtracked because you were wrong.