Friend is having an affair both are married.

[Themind]

My friend has been married to her husband for 10 years two girls age 8 and 5. As far as I am aware no particular issues with their marriage we have been friends for about 6 years and re quite close. Husband seems like a nice guy but I don't know him as well. I was aware about two years ago she'd had a fling but it had allegedly ended before she'd told me. My husband and I went to the theatre yesterday and ther she was with the man she'd had the fling with earlier. She realised I'd seen her and looked shocked but sat down so I didn't approach. Queue a phone call this morning and several others throughout the day begging me noto to say anything to her husband. She confessed that she had never ended it with him first time round and had carried on cheating. He has lots of money wife doesn't understand him all the usual tripe and he won't leave because his wife will be entitled to half his cash.
She loves him apparently and would leave her husband in a heart beat. Please tell me what to do? I have a incline to walk away and never talk to her again, my husband suggested give her an ultimatum and tell her that if she doesn't tell him I will. I'm scared to death that I wouldn't want to be responsible for ruining their girls lives but ultimately she has cheated her husband and children hasn't she? I'd rather know I I was her husband.
Any ideas welcome, I hate this.

Involving your husband by some ridiculous convoluted process to try to pretend that he's the one who thinks it's his business and stuck his nose in.

You've got no place to complain about self serving lies if you do this. Plus it's so ridiculous that it won't fool anyone.

If it's your business enough to get involved, it's your business enough to own your involvement. If it's not actually worth any risk to yourself, then keep your beak out entirely.

End the friendship. She lied to YOU about carrying on with this guy... You will be put in an untenable position if you try to ignore her behaviour. Send a letter to the DH and tell him. You could even do it anonymously. But let him know! He deserves to make informed decisions about his own life. As a previous poster said, if he's a hardworking, loyal guy, he'll have no clue.

I had no clue. My DH was carrying on with a married OW for two years and she actually pretended to be my "friend" so that her behaviour wouldn't raise my suspicions. No one told me, but loads of people apparently knew because she was so proud of her conquest: a younger man...a handsome father with a newborn! I have cut every last one of those so-called friends out of my life. When the shit hit the fan, my DH caught sight of the divorce petition, ditched the OW, sought out a good therapist and is still working to regain my trust. Whatever happens next, I have the agency, now, to make my own (well informed) life decisions.

Don't deny this poor guy the freedom to make an informed choice about whether to stay or go... He deserves the truth.

Those poor children.
I would tell her it’s pretty awful to deceive her dh although I expect she knows.

I’m not sure I could tell the dh, although it’s only you that can decided.

It's a difficult one. Probably don't tell him but I wouldn't hold back telling her what I thought of her. I'd message her back telling her very clearly that you're utterly disgusted with her behaviour, she should be ashamed of herself, how her DH has one life and he's wasting it with her when she clearly has so little regard for him and you do not want to speak to her again. I'd also remind her that truth has a way of coming out and tell her to look forward to losing her children when they find out she was cheating on their dad their entire lives. That they will be just as disgusted in her.

If you see her out and about with her husband you will blank her, since she clearly has no issues lying to him she can make whatever excuse she likes for that but if he asks you direct you will not lie to him.

If you knew her husband was cheating on her I bet the responses on here would be so different. It would be all about how she needs to know and deserves to be in a relationship with someone who loves her etc. I don’t think it matters particularly that she is your friend and he isn’t. The fact is she has to come clean and regardless of the fallout you and her will never be the same again.

The bottom line is none of us know the ins and outs of their marriage. Maybe he’s having an affair too. Maybe they’ve agreed to stay together until the kids leave home. Maybe he’s an arse. Nobody knows.

Therefore it’s nobody’s business. And I sure as hell wouldn’t lose a good friend over something that I didn’t have the full details on.

You could even do it anonymously.

You could, but you'd be such a fucking arsehole if you did. How can it be your place to get involved but not your place to take any consequences? If you really must tell, do it openly and honestly.

“Maybe she’s having an affair too. Maybe she’s a cow.” No one would be saying that if a wife was being cheated on, would they?

Definitely. I can't understand how these blowhards who are so keen to divulge feel no shame in advocating anonymity.

Whatever happened to integrity and decency. Or is that just for other people... not those who must rush off to blurt to all and sundry about matters that don't concern them in the slightest? Ugh.

Be an authentic person at all costs because if you aren't, nothing else ever matters.

OK, well you and all the other busybodies, drama mongers and moralisers out there, listen up too.
I as a private citizen have a right to exist free from the interference of some vengeful stranger who doesn't really give a damn about my welfare throwing a grenade into my life at a time that suits them, regardless of the impact on me of hearing that news in that way, from that person, at that time.
If you are my sister, my mother, my best friend who cares for me, knows that I would want to hear your news and have evidence you are correct beyond gossip and suspicion; if you are prepared to carefully select a time to give me the news and support me while I process it, then please come forward.
However, if you know nothing about me, my wishes, what I may or may not already know, how fragile I may be, whether your news may start a chain of events that could lead to harm or violence being done to me, by me, or by someone else, then please ensure you mind your own business and stay out of my life.
Those are your only responsibilities.

AnxiousPancreas, I read your first post and thought it was some sort of parody or skit. I now realise you were actually serious.

No decency or integrity about cheating on your spouse.

And telling someone their spouse is having an affair is not blurting it out to all and sundry.

I can't understand how these blowhards who are so keen to divulge feel no shame in advocating anonymity.

Because they don't think the wife should always know. They think the wife should know when it satisfies them, and as long as it comes at no cost to them. Everyone else's cost, they'll happily bring about even when they have no idea what the people involved would want, but none of it must come to their door. They want to impose themselves on the lives of others, but those others shouldn't get a say in how far they take that imposition.

As you said, first do no harm. But if you absolutely must tell, at least be honest and open. If it's not worth the risk to you, maybe it's not worth the risk to others either.

It isn't really fair to judge others because we don't know what they are going through however your friend has no self-respect which means she doesn't respect you or her husband or even her lover.

It important to surround yourself with people who do have respect for themselves because that increases your sense of well being.

It's not your responsibility to tell anyone else about what you saw her doing.

I’d keep well out of it

I would tell him and drop her.

I don’t have time for people who treat others like that and would hope someone would do the same for me rather than letting me waste more of my life.

@5128gap Then make sure you pick a partner who is reliably discreet when they cheat on you.

KimberleyClark I was referring to the anonymity aspect specifically.

I don't think it's anybody else's business what happens in somebody else's marriage but, if you (general) want to tell what you think you know then that's up to you.

Do it anonymously though and you are (still general) beneath contempt.

Did you not read the OP where it literally says that? Did you read the subsequent comment where that was quoted?

some ridiculous convoluted process to try to pretend that he's the one who thinks it's his business and stuck his nose in

It’s not “pretend”, it’s the reality of what has happened. DH suggested it to OP. He does think that. At least read the facts of the situation before calling other people deceitful and dishonest just because you missed something.

ReneBumsWombats, ain't that the truth! People do love gossip, drama and meddling... but only if it has zero impact to them, happy enough as they are to survey the damage they've wrought.

As said previously, nobody on the thread advocates or condones cheating but this sticky beaking seems de rigeur for some.

you won't regret minding your business.

OP might regret turning a blind eye to someone committing adultery, as she seems to have a conscience.

AnxiousPancreas, it's the OP who wants to tell. Where does her husband come into it? I'm sure that was really clear in the OP's first post?

I can't see why you needed to make up a 'scene' with such direction, for something that is either simple and true... or it isn't.

No, the husband suggested "tell her to fess up or you'll tell her". He didn't say "go in there dropping my name and telling them I wanted this and it's all on me." Most likely because he doesn't want the consequences either. He left himself entirely out of his proposed solution.

That's why you qualified your suggestion by saying you knew it wasn't right, that you'd check with you husband first and that you'd do it to create "separation", ie protect yourself at your husband's cost.

It's horrible.

Bonus points for those who correctly identify the DARVO-ing in this thread.

Imagine thinking that the person telling you is “throwing a grenade” rather than the person who had the affair. No one has that attitude with any other aspect of human behaviour - if someone hit my baby, no one would think “oh, I shouldn’t tell them, they’ll be hurt if they find that out”. If a waiter spat in my sandwich, another customer wouldn’t think “I’ll just let them continue and eat it because they might be violent and hit the waiter”. If someone saw another person hit your car and drive off, they’d never think “oh, I better not throw a grenade into their life”. It’s honestly baffling to shoot the messenger - and, let’s be honest, it’s just to try and excuse the person who had the affair because the person being told loves the person who had the affair so it’s much less painful to blame the other person.

99% of the time, these things come out - especially when they’re stupid enough to go swanning around in public together. DH’s mother had an affair and it caused huge fallout for him as a child, the lover’s wife was our geography teacher and it was awful. The only people to blame when it all blew up were the people who did it. The longer it goes on, the more “drama” it creates so how does ending the situation become deemed the dramatic option.

If you don’t want to hear that your DH/DW has had an affair then that’s avoided by them not having one in the first place.