Friend is having an affair both are married.

[Themind]

My friend has been married to her husband for 10 years two girls age 8 and 5. As far as I am aware no particular issues with their marriage we have been friends for about 6 years and re quite close. Husband seems like a nice guy but I don't know him as well. I was aware about two years ago she'd had a fling but it had allegedly ended before she'd told me. My husband and I went to the theatre yesterday and ther she was with the man she'd had the fling with earlier. She realised I'd seen her and looked shocked but sat down so I didn't approach. Queue a phone call this morning and several others throughout the day begging me noto to say anything to her husband. She confessed that she had never ended it with him first time round and had carried on cheating. He has lots of money wife doesn't understand him all the usual tripe and he won't leave because his wife will be entitled to half his cash.
She loves him apparently and would leave her husband in a heart beat. Please tell me what to do? I have a incline to walk away and never talk to her again, my husband suggested give her an ultimatum and tell her that if she doesn't tell him I will. I'm scared to death that I wouldn't want to be responsible for ruining their girls lives but ultimately she has cheated her husband and children hasn't she? I'd rather know I I was her husband.
Any ideas welcome, I hate this.

I can't believe how many people are saying stay out of it. I wouldn't want a friend who would do that. Would you?
I would tell him. And then I would walk away from the friendship.
If it was the other way around, and her dh knew my partner was cheating and didn't tell me I would be devastated. You are not damaging her marriage or her kids. She is doing that all by herself. If she tries to pin it on you it just shows what kind of person she really is. He deserves to know. He may or may not thank you for the information, he may or may not leave her, that is up to him once he knows what is happening. There is the chance he may not believe you, but that, again, is his choice. You should do the right thing by him, because she sure as hell won't.

You are conflating two different things here.
Telling someone you know well enough to be sure that your news is in their interests, and with their welfare in mind.
Telling someone who, albeit may not be a total stranger to you, but who, in the case if the OP and the cases of neighbours, colleagues wives you barely know.
And if you think I'm the only person discussing Telling strangers, you've clearly overlooked the posts from the people saying she should tell the APs wife!
The pertinent point is not semantics around 'stranger' or 'acquaintance' it's whether you're close enough to know how your news will land.
And, for the avoidance of doubt, those of us who would prefer you to stay out of our relationships are not seeking your 'protection' or indeed anything from you.
All I'd be seeking is for you to concentrate an your own life and leave me to do the same, supported and informed by those who know and care for me, not a meddlesome acquaintance with an agenda.
In short much as it dents your self importance: You don't have a job.

But surely in that case he would just choose to ignore. He doesn't have to do anything with the information, but he does deserve to have it in the first place.

@Themind Another phonecall this evening moving from upset to elated telling me she'd leave her husband in a heartbeat if the other man would leave his wife.

she does sound really messed up but then you don’t know what’s going on between her and her husband behind those doors. I would let her know that I think what’s she’s doing is messed up and that I don’t want to be her confidant but telling her husband is going to blow on your face big time, unless you were good friends with him I would really stir away from this shit show and cut a bit ties with her.

Yes, if I where you OP I would not interfiere with this shit show because you don’t have all the info and don’t know what’s going on behind closed doors.

Plus you don’t know if the husband is going to be welcoming your news.

This is a good point. And he’s not even a close friend.

By that you mean the dont tell people? Thats a very lazy assumption.
I've never had an affair, in fact I've been cheated on, and I still have given valid reasons why people should not disclose affairs unless they know the person cheated on very well. A suicide attempt by a young man I'm close to being one.
To add to them, I work with vulnerable and abused women. More often than any one wants to think, accusations of cheating, whether real or imaginary, are the trigger for serious violence. However much people want to see a cheat get their comeuppance, I'd have thought they'd draw short of wanting them to be hospitalised or murdered. And while you may think that 'unlikely', its not a risk you should be taking.
Few people in the don't tell camp are motivated by concern for the cheat. Most of us just have a more thoughtful and considered approach to the welfare of their partne, rather than the blunt tool weilded by so many on here to punish a cheat at all costs.
We understand that just because some people prefer to be told, this isn't the right thing for everyone. And unless you're sure, surely it's better to err on the side of caution?

She has already ruined her daughters lives as they are living a lie. She's previously been caught and as prioritised her rich fuck buddy over their security. Her husband and children will definitely be better off with minimal contact in line with HER chosen priorities.

Having a "secret" affair in public does affect other people. If you or DH ever socialise with her husband or with them as a couple then your friend has put you and your husband in a very awkward position. So she has been selfish and I would cool the friendship right down for that reason. I wouldn't say anything to her husband though, that's her problem to sort out not yours.

Maybe she will get over this affair and sort out her marriage, or maybe she will decide to end her marriage either with her boyfriend or alone, or maybe she will carry on seeing loverboy. She's not "ruining her DDs' lives" whatever she does. That's just melodrama. Don't get sucked in. I would keep a big distance til she gets her head far enough out of her arse to see what an awkward situation she's creating for other people.

I'm amazed how many people would stay friends with someone who cheated. I wouldn't! It's nothing to do with whether or not the affair is "my busniess", its just a complete mismatch in ethics. I wouldn't be friends with someone who was racist, or someone who walked away from their kids and became an absentee parent, or someone who refused to pay child support either. None of those situations are "my business" either, but I'd have no respect for someone like that so how could I be friends with them??

I don't know if I would tell their DH... it would probably depend on how close I was to them in terms of if I thought they would believe me etc, but I really don't know. But certainly the friendship wouldn't continue!

Keep out of it. Imagine being that invested. I wouldn’t want to know if my DH got off with someone else so any potential do-gooders, always think twice before telling.

Her husband and children will definitely be better off with minimal contact in line with HER chosen priorities.

The sheer arrogance of claiming this as fact while knowing absolutely nothing about any of the people involved.

What a bunch of misogynistic bollocks. The daughters know nothing nor the husband. They’re too busy with school and friends most probably.Children have a roof, are being fed, loved and taken care of in a (more or less stable home). If OP throws that hand grenade on that home they’re lives WILL surely be affected. Let the family deal with their own problems. Maybe the rich cheating man will eventually dump her or who knows. Their circus, their monkeys.

And if you think I'm the only person discussing Telling strangers, you've clearly overlooked the posts from the people saying she should tell the APs wife!

Then go and have a fight with those posters instead of hurling insults and accusations at those of us who haven't suggested any such thing. You have been shockingly unfair and unpleasant to a whole lot of people in this thread.

This is the saddest thing, those poor poor children and her poor husband. I really feel for you Op, she's made a real mess of her life and it's cruel to add you into it.

It's not misogynistic it's true, she has ruined their lives. The fall out when it comes out will be irreparable. The girls might be busy as children now but wait until they're adults and the damage is done. Can't believe people have the not your circus not your monkeys stance on this, it's so wrong.

Couldn't agree more! If you have such little regard for others that you will cheat you're a horrible person, not friendship material.

Please stop with the hyperbole. If you think I've been 'hurling insults and accusations' then report my posts.
Also check your hypocrisy. You who posted a monologue addressed to 'those having affairs or condoning them'.
Given your strong feelings about affairs, I'm sure you agree that callling people on here with opposing views cheats or condoners of cheating is more 'unpleasant' and 'shockingly unfair' than anything I've said.
Anyway, once we enter the realms of 'you're nasty, you are' rather than addressing the points raised, I think we're done.

Mind your own business.

Would a man rat on his mate and tell his mate’s wife he was cheating out of some sort of moral high ground? Would he f**k he probably wouldn’t even have much of an opinion of it.

No one knows what goes on behind closed doors.

I would stay out of it. If she is generally a good friend I won't break up that friendship. Nobody is perfect including you. People do stupid things and you don't know the circumstances around it. They could be having an open marriage and just haven't discussed that with you.

Yes it’s misogynistic, very “burn the witch” . It’s not your job to shape the future of those children, it’s their parents job. If there’s a fall out or not that’s their business, not yours. You deal with your own family issues and let strangers deal with theirs.

By the way I have never had an affair. I have done stupid things. Nobody is perfect. If I had judgemental friends I would be friendless. Having an affair Is not the same as being racist of children abandonment.

If they were having an open marriage she would not have been so shocked at seeing the OP at the theatre, and why on earth would she be so worried about the OP telling her husband?

Not your circus, not your monkeys.

you say you don’t know her DH, maybe he’s not as nice as you think he is. He could be beating, cheating or sexually violent to her every day and her affair is keeping her sane. He could know but has chosen to ignore her affair, once you tell him you are effectively ending their marriage.

This is nothing to do with you. Distance yourself if you’re uncomfortable with her choices, but I would never make it my business to interfere or potentially end a marriage.