to ask why it's seen as rude, unreasonable or seen as taboo to point out certain things

[pillow56]

Example I have seen many threads on mn saying how expensive it is to have kids and how people can't afford them/more kids which is fair enough.

Yet when people both in real life and on mn say that struggling parents who had alot of kids shouldn't have had so many kids if they couldn't afford them then it's an unreasonable thing to say and they get criticised for pointing it out?

Like it's different if the parents had good jobs before the kids came along but they lost them or some unforeseen thing happened that hit the finances but I'm talking about parents who never had cash or a great career before the kids came along. It is perfectly their right to have kids but surely they know that kids equate to expense before they have them so are they surprised?

I'd love to have kids myself but I can't afford them but I wouldn't find it offensive somebody pointing out the financial realities of kids if I suddenly planned to have kids tomorrow. So why do people get offended by this?

So why do people get offended by this?

They don't like being told the truth.

How helpful is it to say that once the kids are here though? What are they supposed to do, give them away?

Well it's not very helpful is it? What can you do with them once you've had them? It's just having a dig in that context. If you have no sympathy for someone because you feel they made their own bed you're better off not engaging in the thread than getting a dig in

What was I supposed to do with them?

I know when I got divorced, lost my home, started again that my kids made that more expensive

Was I just supposed to give them away?

How helpful is it to say that once the kids are here though? What are they supposed to do, give them away

a lady in my office had 5 kids and her dh was always unemployed. She'd tell us how broke they were and after she left the room my other colleague said to us she shouldn't have any more kids then. It was a fair point but the others told her it was a rude comment and I secretly agreed and could see nothing wrong with it.

Because it's completely pointless and unhelpful.

If you want to start a nuanced discussion about issues surrounding lack of education, large families, mental health and how a complicated set of dynamic can lead people trapped in a cycle of poverty and how we're going to tackle these issues then yes absolutely.

If you want to ignore the complicated social and economic factors involved and feel supurior by berating someone for something they now can't change anyway then no it's pointless and actually makes you look a bit dim.

What was I supposed to do with them?
I know when I got divorced, lost my home, started again that my kids made that more expensive
Was I just supposed to give them away

i'm talking more about parents who were skint from the beginning but kept having kids in the face of it , not ones whos circumstances changed

If it was a fair comment and not rude why was it said behind her back

It's a stupid thing to say because:

A) unless you want to go around culling children or reallocating them to someone else, it's too late, the children exist so saying 'you shouldn't have had so many' is just beating someone when they're already down.

B) it relies on the assumption that the parents have always had financial difficulties. They may have been fine when they conceived and had the child but then lost a job or became disabled or experienced an unexpected global pandemic which killed their industry and gave them long Covid...........

Being the kind of person who makes comments like:

• they shouldn't have had so many children
• they should have worked harder at school then they'd have a better job
• well they'd have had a house by now if they hadn't spent their 20s travelling

And so on, just makes you a dick.

If you want to ignore the complicated social and economic factors involved and feel supurior by berating someone for something they now can't change anyway then no it's pointless and actually makes you look a bit dim

i'm not feeling superior. I'd love a kid myself but I can't afford it.

It's just shitty. You don't know why they've had a big family. They might have been brainwashed by a religion into thinking contraception is a sin, or the mother could have been forced to have sex. Maybe they were just unlucky and their contraception failed and they didn't want to terminate their pregnancy - lots of people wouldn't and it doesn't make them stupid or selfish. There are many reasons why people have multiple children and I don't know why you think it would be ok to make presumptions in order to judge and shame them.

Ah, a not so thinly veiled benifit bashing thread.

How come no one ever blames the men?

It's always the women that get slagged off.

Ah, a not so thinly veiled benifit bashing thread

I'm on benefits.

How come no one ever blames the men?
It's always the women that get slagged off

I said parents

Tsk, you are just not looking hard enough for a job then.

I had my first child young, dumb and broke (I was brought up that abortion is a sin). We worked our arses off to get to a financially secure, good place in life, had more children then through no fault of our own lost everything and went back to square one. So my thoughts on it is if it happens it happens you make it work, money isn't everything and I'm still glad I had my children and wouldn't change that for the world.

If you can’t see what was wrong with it or that it was rude then why did you only ‘secretly’ agree with it?

Its clearly rude, doesn’t help anyone, and is nobody else’s business.

You're clearly not very happy with your lot and that's a shame. However it just illustrates that the kind of comments you are talking about usually come from an unhappy or bitter place. They help nobody, least of all you.

You're clearly not very happy with your lot and that's a shame. However it just illustrates that the kind of comments you are talking about usually come from an unhappy or bitter place. They help nobody, least of all you.

People can have a moan about something but not really mean it like moan about their job or husband but they actually really love them and wouldn't leave. It's like complaining about rainy weather when there isn't anywhere else they'd rather be than the UK.

People sometimes just want to vent and/or make conversation. Don't take it too literally.

Have a think op why you had to secretly agree. Yeah? Get it now?

If you can’t see what was wrong with it or that it was rude then why did you only ‘secretly’ agree with it

Because I had a feeling I'd get bashed like I am here. In my view it's tough on everybody to bring kids into the world if you struggle to provide for them. I'm sorry if that's offensive but it's the reasons I won't have kids.

Because saying that a child shouldn't have been born is an arsehole thing to say.

Can't quite believe you don't realise that.

Yet when people both in real life and on mn say that struggling parents who had alot of kids shouldn't have had so many kids if they couldn't afford them then it's an unreasonable thing to say and they get criticised for pointing it out?

Its just unnecessary though isn’t it? What is your goal by saying “oh you’re dirt poor and have 5 kids - should’ve stopped at 2!”
What are you hoping to achieve by pointing out that they “shouldn’t” have had kids they can’t afford?