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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask why it's seen as rude, unreasonable or seen as taboo to point out certain things

189 replies

pillow56 · 06/01/2023 17:57

Example I have seen many threads on mn saying how expensive it is to have kids and how people can't afford them/more kids which is fair enough.

Yet when people both in real life and on mn say that struggling parents who had alot of kids shouldn't have had so many kids if they couldn't afford them then it's an unreasonable thing to say and they get criticised for pointing it out?

Like it's different if the parents had good jobs before the kids came along but they lost them or some unforeseen thing happened that hit the finances but I'm talking about parents who never had cash or a great career before the kids came along. It is perfectly their right to have kids but surely they know that kids equate to expense before they have them so are they surprised?

I'd love to have kids myself but I can't afford them but I wouldn't find it offensive somebody pointing out the financial realities of kids if I suddenly planned to have kids tomorrow. So why do people get offended by this?

OP posts:
Honper · 06/01/2023 18:34

pillow56 · 06/01/2023 18:29

Why did you lose your job OP

I developed rheumatic arthritis, quite severe type, so on extended leave.

HOUSE

Original poster
pillow56 · 06/01/2023 18:34

Also. I was raised in a religious home and didn't have access to abortion. So even if I couldn't afford them, what was I supposed to do once I was pregnant

yes but you COULD afford them so you just pulling at all angles here.

OP posts:
TrentCrimm · 06/01/2023 18:35

So if you HAD have had children before your disability OP, would you be happy with people warning you about having any more because you can't afford them?

Coffeellama · 06/01/2023 18:36

pillow56 · 06/01/2023 18:28

You can also stop at 1 child op...you don't need to have 5

yea but that's exactly what my op was questioning, why do people who can't afford it keep going?> why is that a bad thing to say?

  1. because you don’t no everybody’s circumstances for sure, so you can offend people who didn’t choose this way of live.
  2. it achieves literally nothing, other than potentially upsetting someone else.
  3. none of your damn business
  4. its just fucking rude really isn’t it
daybroke · 06/01/2023 18:36

pillow56 · 06/01/2023 18:34

Also. I was raised in a religious home and didn't have access to abortion. So even if I couldn't afford them, what was I supposed to do once I was pregnant

yes but you COULD afford them so you just pulling at all angles here.

No. Not at all.

According to you I should've stayed in my marriage. Or it's ok to keep having kids in a shitty marriage that was abusive to me and emotionally harming my children because We could afford them

Dibbydoos · 06/01/2023 18:37

No idea OP, have to admit that stupid young woman who married a drug barron and had more than 10 kids through surrogates must be ruling doing what she did now he's I prison and his money is frozen....

Melonportal · 06/01/2023 18:38

OP, you're wasting your time here. Of course you're right, but no one wants to hear it.

Georgeskitchen · 06/01/2023 18:39

What annoys people is those posts on social media newsfeeds with families pictured with their "compo faces", they don't work, they keep having children and complain that the council wont provide them with a six bedroom council house to accommodate them and all their spawn 😉

daybroke · 06/01/2023 18:40

Georgeskitchen · 06/01/2023 18:39

What annoys people is those posts on social media newsfeeds with families pictured with their "compo faces", they don't work, they keep having children and complain that the council wont provide them with a six bedroom council house to accommodate them and all their spawn 😉

You forgot the house is free and they get flat screen tvs and a goat.

Flapjackquack · 06/01/2023 18:40

FromTheFront2theBack · 06/01/2023 18:05

Because it's completely pointless and unhelpful.

If you want to start a nuanced discussion about issues surrounding lack of education, large families, mental health and how a complicated set of dynamic can lead people trapped in a cycle of poverty and how we're going to tackle these issues then yes absolutely.

If you want to ignore the complicated social and economic factors involved and feel supurior by berating someone for something they now can't change anyway then no it's pointless and actually makes you look a bit dim.

This. 100% this.

Shouldbesolucky · 06/01/2023 18:43

Your not wrong. I know too many people who have gone on to have more kids, when they can barely afford the one they have. Then spend the next several years complaining about how expensive it is to provide for them. I have very little sympathy for anyone making them choices, when their circumstances were far from ideal to start with.
But of course they’ll be a millions reasons why they can justify their decisions, rather than take some responsibility for it.
No one’s contraception fails 4 times ffs!

daybroke · 06/01/2023 18:43

So what are you planning to do about these feckless Women who have so many children they can't afford op? What's the grand plan?

Let the children starve? Forcible sterilisation? Workhouses?

I am eternally grateful to the state for providing me with benefits at a time I needed them. Those benefits and my council house secure tenancy let me get qualifications, and let me provide and safe and secure environment for my children where we could put down roots and where they could complete their education.

You're focusing on the wrong thing.

Oomph · 06/01/2023 18:44

OP, you’re being given a hard time, but I get where you’re coming from. It is perfectly acceptable to say, without referring to anyone in particular, that it’s best to have kids with some financial stability.

Coffeellama · 06/01/2023 18:46

Oomph · 06/01/2023 18:44

OP, you’re being given a hard time, but I get where you’re coming from. It is perfectly acceptable to say, without referring to anyone in particular, that it’s best to have kids with some financial stability.

I think there’s a pretty big difference between saying to no one in particular that ‘some financial stability is best’, and saying that it’s not rude to tell someone that they shouldn’t have had more kids.

Original poster
pillow56 · 06/01/2023 18:49

So if you HAD have had children before your disability OP, would you be happy with people warning you about having any more because you can't afford them

read my op I said it didn't apply to unforseen circumstances.

OP posts:
Ncgirlseriously · 06/01/2023 18:49

As if people on MN actually find out people’s circumstances before chiming in with “don’t have kids you can’t afford”.

Stressedmum2017 · 06/01/2023 18:50

When I first got pregnant with my eldest I couldnt even afford to buy a pregnancy test. Me and ex were living in a shared house both unemployed. There was no way I was going to get an abortion though, I was going to make it work and I did. By the time my child was 3 we had a mortgage on a large 3 bed both of us with full time decent jobs. Had a couple more children, then lost it all. Ended up unemployed, single mum in a council property. So it really doesn't fucking matter. All you can do is do your best and pray that you are one of the lucky ones in life and it doesn't randomly decide to one day blow everything up that you worked for.
And fwiw that eldest child is becoming a young adult now and I'm incredibly proud, he is a way more fantastic human than I have ever been so despite the ups and downs, I regret nothing.

daybroke · 06/01/2023 18:50

Don't have kids when you're disabled. It's suboptimal for the kids.

Why's it ok to say that to me (with kids) and not on to say it to you?

daybroke · 06/01/2023 18:52

By that I mean. There's lots of things that are suboptimal for kids. And we don't have the pregnancy police here yet.

What does it achieve to say this sort of stuff?

TrentCrimm · 06/01/2023 18:52

pillow56 · 06/01/2023 18:49

So if you HAD have had children before your disability OP, would you be happy with people warning you about having any more because you can't afford them

read my op I said it didn't apply to unforseen circumstances.

Read my post, that wasn't what I asked..

Original poster
pillow56 · 06/01/2023 18:54

Don't have kids when you're disabled. It's suboptimal for the kids.
Why's it ok to say that to me (with kids) and not on to say it to you

I agree with you as I'm bed bound and chair bound so even if I had millions I think it be unfair to have kids in my case anyway as I couldn't be fit physically to look after them.

OP posts:
Coffeellama · 06/01/2023 18:54

pillow56 · 06/01/2023 18:49

So if you HAD have had children before your disability OP, would you be happy with people warning you about having any more because you can't afford them

read my op I said it didn't apply to unforseen circumstances.

Yes but like I said, when you are rudely saying someone shouldn’t have had kids, who do you no for sure the whole back story?

Also if you want kids why can’t your partner get a better job to earn more money for it?

daybroke · 06/01/2023 18:55

So why are you focusing on the money aspect?

Original poster
pillow56 · 06/01/2023 18:56

OP, you’re being given a hard time, but I get where you’re coming from. It is perfectly acceptable to say, without referring to anyone in particular, that it’s best to have kids with some financial stability

than you, that's all I was saying and I totally believe that, I don't see why it's such a controversial view.

OP posts:
Original poster
pillow56 · 06/01/2023 18:57

Also if you want kids why can’t your partner get a better job to earn more money for it

I don't have a partner and with my disability conception be hard at the moment. I'm literally crippled.

OP posts:
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