To have absolutely lost my cool at teen.

[BABYASLEEP]

I'm at home today with 1.5year old DS and 14 year old DSS. Husband at work.

DS is being a bugger at the moment, not sleeping great and a whirlwind during the day so by the time his nap time comes about mid day I'm absolutely desperate for the peace and quiet for an hour.

Anyway, I can't explain the amount of times I have BEGGED DSS to keep it down in his room on his games console whilst DS is asleep. Every time I go in first and say X is having a sleep now please just be mindful and I'd say at least 80% of the time he'll wake DS up at some point shouting at his games or with his friends.

Anyway, really REALLY needed DS to have a sleep today as didn't sleep great last night and he's also got a bit of a cold type thing so grouchy as hell.

Same thing happened, asked DSS to keep it down whilst DS slept and within 10 mins he's woken DS up who won't go back to sleep.

I absolutely lost my cool and shouted at DSS that this was his fault and why can't he just do as he's told. He got upset and is sulking in his room now. I'm downstairs with DS feeling fucking frazzled.

I'm so sick of it, I feel like unplugging the WiFi whenever DS naps now so he can't play his games anymore if he can't just keep it down. I don't expect silence but just no screeching and shouting!!

I think a lot of people on here have little experience with teens. The authoritarian approach of you are the child and I am the adult and you will obey me and do as I say...really isn't very effective with teens. Many of you and OP seem to think that is how a parent-teen relationship works best. You order them around and demand obedience and they comply or else you consider removing them from the home or punishing them into submission. Yelling at a teen is rarely effective in any way.

In reality collaborative approaches work much better. Talking to them with respect and working with them to find a mutually agreable solution will be far more effective at actually cohabitating in peace. Develpmentally teens want autonomy and independence and to be able to have opinions and input. And apologizing when you mess up and do something you would consequence them for (yelling at you when frustrated) also helps build trust and respect with them.

musingsinmidlife, I agree, quite apart from anything, I want to live in peace with my teenager, I also want him to go on to have a good relationship with me as a young adult, the way I see it is that if he goes to university he only has a couple of years with us full time and I want those to be as happy as they can be.

natural teenage behaviour as making him appear an irritation.

I think we're jumping the gun slightly by calling this "natural teenage behaviour".

When I was a teen, we didn't sit in our rooms shouting to the point we were unable to stop for even one hour, because collaborative online gaming didn't exist back then, which means you can hardly call it a natural instinct, it's not like they have a developmental need to do it, or that they are unable to prevent themselves from doing it. Yes, if it is their primary source of socialising then it is nice to let them do it but that doesn't mean it's unreasonable to ask them to keep the noise down for ONE HOUR a day.

I have more than one child so there was always noise and my baby was able to sleep through it. Expecting silence in the house during nap time is asking for trouble.

How do all the posters commenting on the age gap know it was a choice? For all you know she married when her DSS was tiny, wanted a 5 year gap and has faced a decade of infertility 🤷🏻‍♀️ And maybe not, but commenting on the age gap when both children are already here is mean spirited - she can’t return the youngest now!

Until recently, age gaps were quite normal in nuclear families. Both my grandmothers had babies in their twenties through to their forties. An age gap isn't the problem. Running a household around the needs of only the teenagers in it is.

Totally agree. I socialised online with friends as a teen and it did not with any regularity involve shouting in the house, and if it did I would have expected to be asked to keep it down, like I would in any other setting. Even as a small child, "inside voices" is a thing. It's not just something that teens must do or can't help doing.

I assume the people commenting saying OP is being unreasonable for losing her cool have never been sleep deprived before? My DD has been poorly and so barely sleeping for weeks now, if when she went down for a nap, someone in the house woke her up....I'd DEFINITELY lose my cool, because I'm unbelievably exhausted and need time to rest at any opportunity. OP has told SS to keep it down more than once and he's not doing as he's told, you can't be judged for shouting at kids when they continuously not do as they are told! I've seen a study recently saying if you do not get at least 8 hours sleep every night you are more likely to suffer from depression and anxiety....i believe that as I've never felt so down for weeks now with only 2-3 hours sleep each night. So OP, absolutely do not beat yourself up about losing your cool, sounds like he needed telling off! I totally get why you did, and anyone judging a sleep deprived parent just because she shouted at a teenager for continuously not doing as he was told, clearly has never been through it! At the end of the day we are all human and we all suffer from our emotions!

My DS14 is a gamer. He gets one warning - then off it goes. I believe in the Pavlov’s dog method- it’s the only way to train them. Make noise and you’re off.

Why is the knee-jerk response to turn the router off? So OP can't sit down with a coffee and something on Netflix or just Mumsnet in peace?

Just take away a cable from the back and he can't use it. Or his controller. Much easier and then you can still use the internet - and he can as well, just not for xbox.

But YANBU.

@doodlepoodlenoodle

Nope, anything I have to say, I'll say on a thread thanks.

Try 15:03 for my post to the OP. Not to mention that it's not compulsory on a thread.

@Goldenbear

🙄🙄🙄. I take it you've never parented a teenager??

ONE HOUR he's being asked to be quiet for, ONE HOUR.

& yes younger ones get noisy toys removed for periods of time too & they don't have unlimited play with other annoying toys.

They're kept quiet (or taken out) when teens/adults are still sleeping. They're ALL learning consideration for others.

Try getting one of your own before you decide what caring is or isn't. Also try finding things a 14yo DS/DSS wants to do with mummy/step mummy (more than play with mates online gaming).

SproutsLCerVEGNoEgg my goodness, how are your comprehensive skills? I only ask as I have a nearly 16 year old so 15 as I have referenced quite a few times on this thread! Also, maybe too subtle a point for some but I was trying to highlight that he is 'not' being cared for by the OP, he is merely existing in his own house so I am baffled as to why some posters are advising her to stop looking after him! As you point out looking after a child involves active engagement, which the OP clearly is not require to do! Maybe read the thread next time!

@musingsinmidlife
FLOF ITS ONE HOUR HES BEING ASKED TO BE QUIET FOR! Not all bloody day.

No Ned fir sitting around brain storming. An infant needs to sleep, a mum needs to rest. Teenager can be quiet for ONE HOUR.

StrawberryWillow, not been sleep deprived- are you kidding, I think quite a few people who have had babies have experienced sleep deprivation. It is shit but it's not the teenagers fault neither is it his fault that babies cry or are poor nappers and it seems like the OP has one, again hardly two teenagers fault.

I have two teenage boys, oldest has never shouted at x-box, youngest does occasionally but I always say - it's just a game, if its getting you upset you need to stop playing and do something else. So that's what I would say to him.

I don't see why anyone else in the house should have to listen to someone shouting and yelling over a game, and I don't even have a baby. I just don't want to listen to it!

his own house? Fair chance op alone is the owner of the house!

StrawberryWillow, shouting at 'a teenager', he's her partner's child not some random child that has kicked a ball in to their window. Shouting in a domestic setting over that is 'not' ok, what just because you can get away with it.

SpaceshiptoMars presumably some kind of rent/joint mortgage is paid or bills in a shared capacity seem as they have a child together. The Dad is at work but he's likely to be keeping all money to himself, ok that's likely?? It is the home he sees one of his parents in, I'm sure he rather wouldn't have it like that but what is he supposed to do he's 14, not have a home with his Dad and meet him at a service station every fortnight as he can't assume he has a home with his Dad anymore!

oceanskye, good for you, and like all adults, children are different with different levels of tolerance, my DS can be loud on some games but is playing chess online with friends at the moment and guess what he's not loud. I don't mind my DC being exuberant sometimes, I can tolerate it and don't want to control them in that way.

Goldenbear

Your posts are so funny. Your teenage son asked for 3 books about politics for Christmas so therefore you think you're the superior parent. 😂. The fact that your own teenagers still need an adult to take them out is very sad.

If the OP was actively looking after him she would be talking to him taking him out to do something

Olive19741205 again, you are deliberately obtuse or haven't read the thread properly. As I explained about 2/3 posts back, that comment (that you have badly pulled out of context) was in response to PPs suggesting the OP should stop looking after the teenager, I suggested with that quote that to look after someone she'd have to do something like the above but she quite clearly isn't she's just finding him annoying as he is a teenager acting like a teenager and just sitting in what to him must be his othwr home. The OP and you it seems doesn't understand the way teenagers operate. Hilarious! My DS is older and around here you wouldn't game that much as it is not as good as socialising in person. In the summer I never really see my DS as we live near the beach! I 'wish' he would stay in and see me more or go out with us more but tbh teenagers don't really behave like that so I am happy if he is. Not superior parenting pointing out my Ds hardly is addicted to gaming, he certainly has other interests like all his friends! Believe me they are not 'sad' but no teen says that anymore so they'd laugh at that! Especially from the MN crowd.

I think they'd wonder how any MN poster could accuse anyone else of being 'sad' ^^