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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have absolutely lost my cool at teen.

304 replies

BABYASLEEP · 06/01/2023 14:08

I'm at home today with 1.5year old DS and 14 year old DSS. Husband at work.

DS is being a bugger at the moment, not sleeping great and a whirlwind during the day so by the time his nap time comes about mid day I'm absolutely desperate for the peace and quiet for an hour.

Anyway, I can't explain the amount of times I have BEGGED DSS to keep it down in his room on his games console whilst DS is asleep. Every time I go in first and say X is having a sleep now please just be mindful and I'd say at least 80% of the time he'll wake DS up at some point shouting at his games or with his friends.

Anyway, really REALLY needed DS to have a sleep today as didn't sleep great last night and he's also got a bit of a cold type thing so grouchy as hell.

Same thing happened, asked DSS to keep it down whilst DS slept and within 10 mins he's woken DS up who won't go back to sleep.

I absolutely lost my cool and shouted at DSS that this was his fault and why can't he just do as he's told. He got upset and is sulking in his room now. I'm downstairs with DS feeling fucking frazzled.

I'm so sick of it, I feel like unplugging the WiFi whenever DS naps now so he can't play his games anymore if he can't just keep it down. I don't expect silence but just no screeching and shouting!!

OP posts:
Olive19741205 · 07/01/2023 00:24

Goldenbear · 07/01/2023 00:07

Olive19741205 again, you are deliberately obtuse or haven't read the thread properly. As I explained about 2/3 posts back, that comment (that you have badly pulled out of context) was in response to PPs suggesting the OP should stop looking after the teenager, I suggested with that quote that to look after someone she'd have to do something like the above but she quite clearly isn't she's just finding him annoying as he is a teenager acting like a teenager and just sitting in what to him must be his othwr home. The OP and you it seems doesn't understand the way teenagers operate. Hilarious! My DS is older and around here you wouldn't game that much as it is not as good as socialising in person. In the summer I never really see my DS as we live near the beach! I 'wish' he would stay in and see me more or go out with us more but tbh teenagers don't really behave like that so I am happy if he is. Not superior parenting pointing out my Ds hardly is addicted to gaming, he certainly has other interests like all his friends! Believe me they are not 'sad' but no teen says that anymore so they'd laugh at that! Especially from the MN crowd.

Yes it is sad and I sounds like you haven't a clue about teenage boys. You suggested OP should have "taken him out to do something", stop denying it. Your posts are very odd so I will assume there's something else going on with you.

TheWomanTheyCallJayne · 07/01/2023 00:25

BABYASLEEP · 06/01/2023 14:12

Either that or just telling his mum and dad I can't have him anymore during school holidays.

You don’t have him. He’s just at home at the same time as you.

This makes it sound like you don’t consider it his home which doesn’t come across well.

Rather than asking him to keep it down when he’s being noisy. Have a conversation with him when he’s not playing. Explain the situation and ask that he helps you out by being considerate. Perhaps suggest that during those times he plays a non multi-player or tries something different.
Going from what to a teen sounds like nagging, to yelling, to stopping him playing is just not a great way to deal with a teen.

(I have four teens, I have some practice but I’m still learning and probably always will be)

Olive19741205 · 07/01/2023 00:27

Goldenbear

It is the home he sees one of his parents in, I'm sure he rather wouldn't have it like that but what is he supposed to do he's 14, not have a home with his Dad and meet him at a service station every fortnight as he can't assume he has a home with his Dad anymore!

I mean, this is just plain odd and way over the top in context to OPs post.

BootifulLoser · 07/01/2023 00:34

Turn off the Wifi and tell him there is a new invention called a "book" that he needs to discover and a place where he can even get them for free, i.e., a library.

Squeakybits · 07/01/2023 01:09

YANBU it's fucking irritating and there is no need for the screeching and shouting and banging.

Turn the WiFi off for the hour

ToBeOrNotToBee · 07/01/2023 01:14

Turn the Internet off. Problem solved.

Bollindger · 07/01/2023 01:21

You need to tell him he has 1 last chance and if he shouts or raising voice when Baby is in bed there will be NO 2nd warning the Internet will be TURN OFF instantly.
You then take Baby to bed and as you do inform him it is babies bedtime. Silence will now commence, if your near a shop maybe give him a couple of quid to go buy supplies and have a walk.

Goldenbear · 07/01/2023 02:45

Olive19741205 what are you on about, I literally have a 15 year old son who has other 15/16 year old friends around. I've been posting on here since 2006 - I don't think I would have made up children for that long! Denying what? Pointing out to posters there is a difference between looking after a child and just being in the same house as them. Do you have teenagers? Perhaps they never go out with you, I really don't know why you consider it sad for a teenager to go out with their parent sometimes. I mean mine doesn't as much as I'd hope but he will go to the occasional football match with his Dad, sometimes the pub to watch football or food out. I find it sad that people think it is sad to go out with a teen.

Coffeetree · 07/01/2023 06:27

Yes to turning off the WiFi of course.

Beyond that, I wouldn't tolerated the yelling and shouting all day long. That's really not on when there are others in the house!

Goodgrief82 · 07/01/2023 06:38

Goldenbear · 06/01/2023 19:57

Far from it I'm afraid to disappoint you, he is out and about loads as gaming is not a massive thing in our area at his age. They are in to music, parties, socialising Equally, my DS is going to study politics at A level and asked for three politics books for Christmas - sorry this doesn't live up to your oh so funny description.

I’m not surprised given the nastiness and disrespect his father shows you @Goldenbear

Goodgrief82 · 07/01/2023 06:40

Goldenbear · 07/01/2023 02:45

Olive19741205 what are you on about, I literally have a 15 year old son who has other 15/16 year old friends around. I've been posting on here since 2006 - I don't think I would have made up children for that long! Denying what? Pointing out to posters there is a difference between looking after a child and just being in the same house as them. Do you have teenagers? Perhaps they never go out with you, I really don't know why you consider it sad for a teenager to go out with their parent sometimes. I mean mine doesn't as much as I'd hope but he will go to the occasional football match with his Dad, sometimes the pub to watch football or food out. I find it sad that people think it is sad to go out with a teen.

Yes @Goldenbear has been around for ages

and in the time posted a number of threads that would suggest it’s not quite as happy and Brady bunch Esque as portrayed by @Goldenbear on this thread

Goodgrief82 · 07/01/2023 06:42

Quite clearly your approach is to let things go @Goldenbear

Seems to work well with your DS
Not so much with your DP

MeridianB · 07/01/2023 06:49

This makes it sound like you don’t consider it his home which doesn’t come across well.

Complete fiction. 🥱

Olive19741205 · 07/01/2023 11:08

Yes @Goldenbear has been around for ages
and in the time posted a number of threads that would suggest it’s not quite as happy and Brady bunch Esque as portrayed by @Goldenbear on this thread

Yes I thought there was something else going on, very evident from her posts.

TheWomanTheyCallJayne · 07/01/2023 11:27

MeridianB · 07/01/2023 06:49

This makes it sound like you don’t consider it his home which doesn’t come across well.

Complete fiction. 🥱

Not really.
Op suggests not having him anymore during the holidays. The only way she has him is that he’s existing in the same house at the same time as he’s not a toddler she’s caring for. So for her to not have him anymore the implication would be that he would have to be elsewhere.

StrawberryWillow · 07/01/2023 11:57

@Goldenbear you are absolutely right about everything you say! You are obviously the most perfect human/parent ever to walk the planet who has never made a mistake ever. Rather than everyone arguing with @Goldenbear we should all be bowing down to their most perfect parenting skills 🤦‍♀️

MeridianB · 07/01/2023 12:25

@TheWomanTheyCallJayne There’s a difference between saying she won’t ‘babysit’ him and claiming he shouldn’t view her house as his home. She hasn’t said the latter.

He has two parents and two homes. If he can’t comply with an incredibly simple and reasonable request from the OP then his parents have to ‘have’ him. If that means OP’s DH has to WFH to make sure his son behaves then so be it.

OP isn’t asking for much.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 07/01/2023 12:34

@Goldenbear - can you explain why you think it is so unreasonable for a teenager to either keep the noise down or not play a video game for just ONE hour, whilst the baby sleeps? No-one, as far as I am aware, has suggested that he is permanently deprived of his games console, or that he has to remain utterly silent while the baby sleeps - simply that he should be quiet enough not to wake the baby up!!

You clearly don't think @BABYASLEEP is being at all reasonable to want the baby to nap for an hour, so she can get some rest - but surely you don't think it is acceptable for the baby to be prevented from getting the sleep they need, just so that the teenager can play their video game and shout at the top of their voice? Babies need their sleep - and that does sometimes mean that other people in the house need to keep the noise down to an acceptable level.

And yes, if the teenager needed some peace and quiet (if they were ill, or had school work/revision to do), and the baby was disturbing them by crying a lot, I would say that the parents would have to do whatever they could to give the teen the peace they needed.

Nanny0gg · 07/01/2023 12:34

musingsinmidlife · 06/01/2023 19:58

I think a lot of people on here have little experience with teens. The authoritarian approach of you are the child and I am the adult and you will obey me and do as I say...really isn't very effective with teens. Many of you and OP seem to think that is how a parent-teen relationship works best. You order them around and demand obedience and they comply or else you consider removing them from the home or punishing them into submission. Yelling at a teen is rarely effective in any way.

In reality collaborative approaches work much better. Talking to them with respect and working with them to find a mutually agreable solution will be far more effective at actually cohabitating in peace. Develpmentally teens want autonomy and independence and to be able to have opinions and input. And apologizing when you mess up and do something you would consequence them for (yelling at you when frustrated) also helps build trust and respect with them.

Well as I'm a grandparents with teenage DGC I think I do have some experience actually...

Inastatus · 07/01/2023 12:37

Anyway, the vote is in and thankfully, despite some of the rather far-fetched projections/assumptions, the overwhelming majority of us agree that OP is not being unreasonable. No wonder we have so many entitled snowflakes when some posters believe it is tantamount to child abuse to deprive a teenager of his gaming/WiFi for an hour 😅

MeridianB · 07/01/2023 13:07

How did yesterday end @BABYASLEEP ? Is DSS with you next week?

Goldenbear · 07/01/2023 14:37

Goodgrief82 and what posts might they be very intriguing and a bit creepy that you have read all my contributions since 2006. Equally, he is my husband not partner, are we discussing husbands on this thread. The OP asked on AIBU, I said my opinion which is still by the way that you don't shout to the point of making a 14 year old upset over something that babies naturally do cry. I also said that she should discuss it with him calmly later as yes, put it off for that time. Never once suggested Brady Bunch family, but some posters are so lacking in comprehensive skills that they even quoted me stating I have a 15 year old and then asking if I even have teenagers!😉🤔

I also said that I don't believe in punitive measures, mainly because I don't expect my DC to be perfect when I am not - I notice how nobody has quoted that at me as doesn't fit in to the narrative and the affront that very strict parents feel when you express your opinion on their authoritarian discipline as being bollox! completely inflexible thinking to see that others have different opinions.

Goldenbear · 07/01/2023 14:42

Nanny0gg, no one is denying you have experience of grandchildren teenagers, so does my Mum but she has a very different view on it. All these things depend on your upbringing, my parents were liberal 60s kids and when they had us in the late 70s early 80s they were modern in the way they thought.

Goldenbear · 07/01/2023 14:43

My mum most certainly had BS snowflake line thrown at her at baby groups. She just ignored such waffle

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 07/01/2023 15:00

As I said yesterday, @Goldenbear, I think not being allowed to play his video game during the baby’s nap is a natural consequence of his own behaviour (not keeping the noise down while the baby sleeps) than a punishment.

Also, do your children find it’s a contradiction that you don’t use punishments within the family, but they could be punished by other authorities outside the family? Not a sarcastic question, btw - a genuine one.

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