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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have absolutely lost my cool at teen.

304 replies

BABYASLEEP · 06/01/2023 14:08

I'm at home today with 1.5year old DS and 14 year old DSS. Husband at work.

DS is being a bugger at the moment, not sleeping great and a whirlwind during the day so by the time his nap time comes about mid day I'm absolutely desperate for the peace and quiet for an hour.

Anyway, I can't explain the amount of times I have BEGGED DSS to keep it down in his room on his games console whilst DS is asleep. Every time I go in first and say X is having a sleep now please just be mindful and I'd say at least 80% of the time he'll wake DS up at some point shouting at his games or with his friends.

Anyway, really REALLY needed DS to have a sleep today as didn't sleep great last night and he's also got a bit of a cold type thing so grouchy as hell.

Same thing happened, asked DSS to keep it down whilst DS slept and within 10 mins he's woken DS up who won't go back to sleep.

I absolutely lost my cool and shouted at DSS that this was his fault and why can't he just do as he's told. He got upset and is sulking in his room now. I'm downstairs with DS feeling fucking frazzled.

I'm so sick of it, I feel like unplugging the WiFi whenever DS naps now so he can't play his games anymore if he can't just keep it down. I don't expect silence but just no screeching and shouting!!

OP posts:
Goldenbear · 07/01/2023 15:09

Olive19741205, like I said, I'm intrigued, 'something else is going on' and what exactly is that? Please be explicit, you keep saying this but with no detail. Bizarre and quite amusing😆

crazeekat · 07/01/2023 15:14

Absolutely u are right, he knows better and just doesn't give a shit. Or if he is so wrapped up in a game so much he needs to come off it to cool down. Wi-Fi off and chill time for everyone. And if he does it again, banned.

crazeekat · 07/01/2023 15:16

Get the baby in a pram with his coat and hat on and get the dss to get his brother out for a long walk around the block. And then the Wi-Fi might go back on.

Goldenbear · 07/01/2023 15:17

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius, quite simply, no they don't. I mean the eldest has had detentions over secondary school for lateness. He goes to them. They are well behaved so it's not really come up in a big way. Where I live is quite liberal so his friends parents are probably pretty like-minded, no one is massively misbehaving and nothing has happened with authority like the Police etc. Obviously, like us he knows the laws and will abide by them as wants a future.

Olive19741205 · 07/01/2023 15:21

Goldenbear · 07/01/2023 15:17

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius, quite simply, no they don't. I mean the eldest has had detentions over secondary school for lateness. He goes to them. They are well behaved so it's not really come up in a big way. Where I live is quite liberal so his friends parents are probably pretty like-minded, no one is massively misbehaving and nothing has happened with authority like the Police etc. Obviously, like us he knows the laws and will abide by them as wants a future.

There you go again Goldenbear with the over the top posting. What have the police got to do with anything being discussed here? As I said earlier, it's so odd.

Greblegable · 07/01/2023 15:30

BABYASLEEP · 06/01/2023 14:12

Either that or just telling his mum and dad I can't have him anymore during school holidays.

Shouting at him was understandable (I don’t want to say “fine” but you get what I mean). Unplugging the router or taking away Xbox would also be a good punishment. But tell him him he can’t stay with you anymore is horrible. He’s acting a dickhead but it’s his home as well. If you follow through with this in a few years you will have a sad husband who wonders why his son never speaks to him or only does flying visits when he’s back from uni.

ninjafoodienovice · 07/01/2023 16:04

YANBU, there's a big age gap between my DS and DSS. Although DSS lives with us full time. If he had been repeatedly reminded and woke up baby DS then his screen time would be turned off for naps, no question.
I imagine you are more conflicted because you are looking after him for Dh and effectively the DM too. Don't feel bad about it, just categorically say, right that's it, no gaming whilst nap time, no discussion. You can watch tv, go on you tube on your phone or whatever but no gaming as you can't control your volume.

MeridianB · 07/01/2023 16:05

crazeekat · 07/01/2023 15:16

Get the baby in a pram with his coat and hat on and get the dss to get his brother out for a long walk around the block. And then the Wi-Fi might go back on.

I love this. Although have an image of baby left in pram outside local CEX 😁

Goldenbear · 07/01/2023 16:47

Olive19741205, well I was directly answering SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius, lines of authority question, outside the domestic sphere that would generally be considered school, the law that the 'Police' uphold. It is not really a huge leap of thought. Again, you haven't explained by what you meant by 'something else going on' with me - like I said I'm intrigued as to what you are implying?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 07/01/2023 17:06

Yes, @Olive19741205 - that was my fault for derailing the thread with my question to @Goldenbear.

Goodgrief82 · 07/01/2023 18:26

this is a post from @Goldenbear

Goldenbear · 01/05/2012 11:29
DP and I have shouted, 'shut up' twice to our 4 year old and have both felt terrible about it.

the utter hypocrisy. You were pre teen as per the OP. You shouted at a very young child and you have the audacity to get worked up at the Op shouting at her teen DS.

Goodgrief82 · 07/01/2023 18:27

And it’s very easy now to quickly search

choose advanced search

tyoe in user name

and then I tapped in your user name and key worlds “DS” and “shout” and look what popped up for you @Goldenbear . Shouting at your 4 year old

Goldenbear · 07/01/2023 21:12

Goodgrief82, I know it is easy to go through the search history, there’s no ‘now’ about it, it has always been easy, but it is not allowed on Mumsnet, it is one of the rules they stipulate but seen as you have evidently stalked me, which is a bit creepy, I was thinking what kind of thread would I have been merrily agreeing to that as you have cleverly (not so) extracted the bits which suit your argument to portray my agreement with shouting at children. My response in 2012 was to a thread titled,

AIBU
‘To tell my husband not to tell our 2 yr old to shut up‘

my response,

Goldenbear · 01/05/2012 11:29
No it's awful, it just sounds wrong when said to a toddler or child. DP and I have shouted, 'shut up' twice to our 4 year old and have both felt terrible about it.

The glaringly obvious misquote i.e leaving the first sentence off so not quoting all my response, ‘No it’s awful, it just sounds wrong when said to a toddler or child.’

Why Goodgrief82 did you not quote the whole response or indeed the title of the thread I was responding to. Perhaps because my feeling awful about it and the remorse we felt then wouldn’t be demonstrated. The OP didn’t say she felt terrible about it at all, she wanted us all to say it is ok he deserved it. Besides, my initial response to the OP was not about the shouting it is about feeling sorry for the stepson who sounds like he is an irritation to her.

As well you know typing in the search words shouting and DS have come up with this one comment that you have misquoted to suit your own agenda. There is literally nothing else. All you would find is probably stuff you despise like ‘gentle parenting’ and my interventions in shops etc when I have witnessed child abuse. I know my history and there is no way in this world you will find me justifying authoritarian parenting!

Goodgrief82 · 08/01/2023 06:57

But you did @Goldenbear

You shouted “shut up” to your very young child. Yes you felt a bit shit afterwards. But you did it.

and yet here you are…. On a thread about doing exactly the same. Only not to a very young child. A teenager. 🤔

Goodgrief82 · 08/01/2023 06:58

I genuinely didn’t realise it was a “rule” not to use the Advanced Search feature that mumsnet built in to its platform. Please could you quote?

Goodgrief82 · 08/01/2023 07:00

Oh and you didn’t do it once despite feeling bad about it . You shouted “shut up” twice to your 4 year old.

and your stance on here is pull down the OP for shouting at someone 10 YEARS OLDER than your child.

SpaceshiptoMars · 08/01/2023 08:04

It is not allowed on Mumsnet.

Can't find that in the guidelines either. It would be bad manners to quote an unrelated post, sure. That might come under Personal Attacks. This looks more like Calling Out Hypocrisy, though.

Goodgrief82 · 08/01/2023 09:32

SpaceshiptoMars · 08/01/2023 08:04

It is not allowed on Mumsnet.

Can't find that in the guidelines either. It would be bad manners to quote an unrelated post, sure. That might come under Personal Attacks. This looks more like Calling Out Hypocrisy, though.

Exactly

Prinnny · 08/01/2023 11:02

Well this thread has took an hilarious turn 🙈😂

Goldenbear · 08/01/2023 11:28

Goodgrief82, you have used the quote out of context, which is misleading and that is against the guidelines. Why did you not just quote the whole two lines, this:

'Goldenbear · 01/05/2012 11:29
No it's awful, it just sounds wrong when said to a toddler or child. DP and I have shouted, 'shut up' twice to our 4 year old and have both felt terrible about it.'

The title of the thread that I was responding to is relevant as well.

I'm saying it is wrong if you included my ACTUAL response but you didn't and it sounds like I'm casual about it, I'm not I felt terrible. I shouted a word not at him as the OP did and not a explosion of shouting that upset him. Where has the OP said she feels terrible about it? I also said I would discuss it with him afterwards not shout as teenagers don't respond to this. It is not hypocrisy if I am saying don't shout as you can see I've said the same above, 'shouting is awful'. The 2012 thread was asking about a situation where the Dad was shouting to a child at point of upset and he's showing no remorse.

Goodgrief82 · 08/01/2023 11:32

Yes you felt bad

But you lost control and shouted shut up at your 4 year old.

and here you are on this thread pulling down the Op

hyp.o.crite

Goldenbear · 08/01/2023 11:48

A shouted a word at my DS not a telling off and I shouldn't have done it that's why I used it as an example in that thread. The thread was:

‘To tell my husband not to tell our 2 yr old to shut up'

My response was that it is awful and if you read it in the context of the thread I was highlighting how saying the words, 'shut up' for the 4 times made us feel terrible so how anyone can normalise it and say it conversationally like the OP'a husband in the 2012 thread is awful but obviously that doesn't suit your argument so you've left it off.

Do you work for a newspaper they way you are sensationalising the meaning of my words. Where did I say I 'lost control' for using the word, 'shut up'. It is NOT hypocrisy if I'm saying shouting is awful, I've said it is awful, where does the OP signal that it was the wrong thing to do.

Goldenbear · 08/01/2023 11:52

I'm not 'pulling down' the OP I'm mostly responding to others harsh advice to the OP which seems to think it is ok to make the stepson feel like shit in one of his homes and even some suggesting it isn't his home and to get rid of him like an unwanted puppy! Most of my posts have been about how it is wrong to treat the stepson in that way or to explain how teenagers respond to certain discipline as I have one and know! Hardly been having a go at the OP.

Goodgrief82 · 08/01/2023 11:59

Ok @Goldenbear

Yes I’m sure there was a compelling context to you shouting on two occasions to your 4 year old (a decade younger than the DSS in this scenario) “shut up”

and here we have the quote in full so you can stop harping on about me misquoting you.

No it's awful, it just sounds wrong when said to a toddler or child. DP and I have shouted, 'shut up' twice to our 4 year old and have both felt terrible about it.'

ps what school of gentle parenting includes shouting “shut up” at your 4 year old I’m interested to know?

Goodgrief82 · 08/01/2023 12:00

Where did I say I 'lost control' for using the word, 'shut up'.

so you were fully in control when you shouted “shut up” at your 4 year old.

ok