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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have absolutely lost my cool at teen.

304 replies

BABYASLEEP · 06/01/2023 14:08

I'm at home today with 1.5year old DS and 14 year old DSS. Husband at work.

DS is being a bugger at the moment, not sleeping great and a whirlwind during the day so by the time his nap time comes about mid day I'm absolutely desperate for the peace and quiet for an hour.

Anyway, I can't explain the amount of times I have BEGGED DSS to keep it down in his room on his games console whilst DS is asleep. Every time I go in first and say X is having a sleep now please just be mindful and I'd say at least 80% of the time he'll wake DS up at some point shouting at his games or with his friends.

Anyway, really REALLY needed DS to have a sleep today as didn't sleep great last night and he's also got a bit of a cold type thing so grouchy as hell.

Same thing happened, asked DSS to keep it down whilst DS slept and within 10 mins he's woken DS up who won't go back to sleep.

I absolutely lost my cool and shouted at DSS that this was his fault and why can't he just do as he's told. He got upset and is sulking in his room now. I'm downstairs with DS feeling fucking frazzled.

I'm so sick of it, I feel like unplugging the WiFi whenever DS naps now so he can't play his games anymore if he can't just keep it down. I don't expect silence but just no screeching and shouting!!

OP posts:
Goldenbear · 06/01/2023 15:58

MrPickles73, I asked a PP but how exactly is the OP babysitting him? Is he chatting to her- doesn't sound like it, have activities planned, food out. Or is the reality he is 'in' his parent's house just 'being'.

Tekkentime · 06/01/2023 15:59

How loud is he yelling and what is he yelling for? 🤔

Don't have a games console so I don't really understand it.

MeridianB · 06/01/2023 16:00

Goldenbear · 06/01/2023 14:56

A Games console is a fairly typical thing to play with at 14, should the baby be denied it's age appropriate shape sorter - of course not so why is it ok to deny the other child stuff. Again, unkind advice.

WTF?

Strugglingtodomybest · 06/01/2023 16:00

He needs consequences, as pp have stated.

I'd tell him that if wakes the baby up, the wi-fi goes off. New rule. Then it's down to him.

My DS is in the bedroom below us. When I am ready to go to sleep, I bang three times on the floor and that's his signal to turn the volume down. It works because he knows that if it didn't, I'd just switch off the wi-fi.

Muststopeating · 06/01/2023 16:01

Yeah, that would give me rage too.

If his dad needs any convincing that games aren't for nap time then tell him I have two brothers in their 30s. Successful, intelligent professionals with partners but gamers in their spare time.

They still scream, shout and swear at the games. It is equal parts annoying and cringeworthy. They also have no concept as to why this would be irritating to other people.

Don't let DSS become them. Nip it in the bud.

Have the polite, grown up chat suggested up thread but tell him he will not be allowed to game during nap time until he can prove he is capable of not screeching the rest of the time. Trust me when I tell you that you'll be doing his future partners a favour!

musingsinmidlife · 06/01/2023 16:01

MrPickles73 · 06/01/2023 15:57

musingsinmidlife his step mother and step brother / sister happen to be home too. Ultimately if the SS and SM cannot get on then his parents must sort out alternative provision for him. Or SS and SM will fall out?

It is his home. You don't kick kids out of the house because an adult in the home can't maintain their cool about totally normal teen behaviour. It doesn't stop being his home just because a new woman moves in and then has a baby. She is the adult in this scenario.

Strugglingtodomybest · 06/01/2023 16:02

Tekkentime · 06/01/2023 15:59

How loud is he yelling and what is he yelling for? 🤔

Don't have a games console so I don't really understand it.

They yell when they get excited about something in the game. I hear "behind you, behind you, behind you!!!!" a lot.

Goodgrief82 · 06/01/2023 16:02

This issue aside

what is your relationship like with your DSS? How often is he with you? How long have you been in his life? What kind of a father is your husband?

MeridianB · 06/01/2023 16:02

Goldenbear · 06/01/2023 14:52

YABU, talk about making the step son feel unwelcome. I find that really sad, he is your Partner's/husband's son. I have friends with a 16 year old daughter and two younger siblings who are 5 and 2 she is my friends step daughter no way would she always expect the teenager to compromise and I can't believe people are advising you to tell his Dad to tell him he can't live with you or is unwelcome, he is still just 14- how horrible.

So a 14yo should not compromise anything for anyone? Or is it just because he's a stepson?

The OP is the one presumably making his lunch and whatever other 'looking after' his two parents think their 14yo son needs. So how is OP making him unwelcome?

Goldenbear · 06/01/2023 16:02

MeridianB, I'm confused why is it a 'wtf'

Tekkentime · 06/01/2023 16:03

Strugglingtodomybest · 06/01/2023 16:02

They yell when they get excited about something in the game. I hear "behind you, behind you, behind you!!!!" a lot.

Show quote history

When they're with friends or alone?

ILoveeCakes · 06/01/2023 16:03

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MintyGreenDreams · 06/01/2023 16:05

The answer is no X box/PlayStation at nap time.Problem solved

Goldenbear · 06/01/2023 16:05

If you haven't understood, I'm highlighting how ludicrous, severe action on the 14 year Old's toy is. Leave the teenager alone and just be calm and chat - don't be an arsehole and make him feel unwelcome as you want rid.

fastandthecurious1 · 06/01/2023 16:05

If dads not around to help and control him he doesn't stay period.

Original poster
BABYASLEEP · 06/01/2023 16:06

I'm not sure how comparable it is asking if my son has ever disturbed DSS by crying...he's a baby... Not a 14 year old who should be capable of following instructions/considering other people from time to time when reminded repeatedly.

OP posts:
musingsinmidlife · 06/01/2023 16:07

fastandthecurious1 · 06/01/2023 16:05

If dads not around to help and control him he doesn't stay period.

He lives there. It is his house. He is hanging out in his home.

Where do you expect teens to be when off school if not in their homes while their parents are at work?

Original poster
BABYASLEEP · 06/01/2023 16:07

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Are you okay?

OP posts:
Mybonnielad · 06/01/2023 16:09

Crackof · 06/01/2023 14:25

Of course it's U to lose your cool. You want him to be able to control himself so you show him a massive tantrum .... not good is it.

And of course YANBU to want quiet, but you've not done any real discipline and then when that's been shown to be useless you've galloped off the moral high ground and done yelling.

There's only you there with him. It has to be you in the moment, even if your dh has a serious talk with him about his noise later.

The proper discipline takes energy, but so does the yelling and the aftermath of the yelling. You might choose differently next time.

Now you have a convo with dh coming up in which you are justifying yourself and trying to save face etc and the boy is saying how you went bananas on him.

You need parenting strategies and better coms.

How patronizing!

AtomicRitual · 06/01/2023 16:10

Goldenbear · 06/01/2023 16:02

MeridianB, I'm confused why is it a 'wtf'

To me, because a) it's not comparable at all and b) your post would seem to suggest that the DSS should get away with anything because he's 14 and gaming is "normal".

Does that mean he can shout and scream at his game at 1am if he wants, while his DF and DSM are sleeping then?? Or should he be able to play his music really loudly in a library?! Of course not. There are times that you are expected to be quiet in life and being asked repeatedly and ignored should lead to consequences no matter your status in the house. My DH is a gamer and if he shouted while the baby I don't have slept and woke it up, I'd be pissed off too.

As for making him feel unwanted, let's rephrase OP's question and say that she'd said that that it was her 14 year old DS that was keeping the baby awake and she'd shouted at him.

Is that making her own child feel "unwelcome" or is it just a parent trying to get their child to model some appropriate behaviours?!

MeridianB · 06/01/2023 16:12

Thanks @AtomicRitual You nailed it.

FellForTheWrongUnAgain · 06/01/2023 16:12

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Spouse de jour Hmm

AtomicRitual · 06/01/2023 16:12

MeridianB · 06/01/2023 16:12

Thanks @AtomicRitual You nailed it.

You're welcome... considering how knackered I am today I'm surprised I actually made sense! 😂

MeridianB · 06/01/2023 16:13

AtomicRitual · 06/01/2023 16:12

You're welcome... considering how knackered I am today I'm surprised I actually made sense! 😂

Show quote history

Eloquent!

Strugglingtodomybest · 06/01/2023 16:15

Tekkentime · 06/01/2023 16:03

When they're with friends or alone?

Show quote history

With friends. Certain games which are played online, you have to work as a team, so you can hear them discussing tactics etc, and then when it gets tense in the heat of the action, they're all shouting at each other.

Apart from late at night, I love to hear him, it's lovely to know that he's having fun with his friends and it won't be forever. One day the house is going to seem very very quiet!