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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have absolutely lost my cool at teen.

304 replies

BABYASLEEP · 06/01/2023 14:08

I'm at home today with 1.5year old DS and 14 year old DSS. Husband at work.

DS is being a bugger at the moment, not sleeping great and a whirlwind during the day so by the time his nap time comes about mid day I'm absolutely desperate for the peace and quiet for an hour.

Anyway, I can't explain the amount of times I have BEGGED DSS to keep it down in his room on his games console whilst DS is asleep. Every time I go in first and say X is having a sleep now please just be mindful and I'd say at least 80% of the time he'll wake DS up at some point shouting at his games or with his friends.

Anyway, really REALLY needed DS to have a sleep today as didn't sleep great last night and he's also got a bit of a cold type thing so grouchy as hell.

Same thing happened, asked DSS to keep it down whilst DS slept and within 10 mins he's woken DS up who won't go back to sleep.

I absolutely lost my cool and shouted at DSS that this was his fault and why can't he just do as he's told. He got upset and is sulking in his room now. I'm downstairs with DS feeling fucking frazzled.

I'm so sick of it, I feel like unplugging the WiFi whenever DS naps now so he can't play his games anymore if he can't just keep it down. I don't expect silence but just no screeching and shouting!!

OP posts:
SirenSays · 06/01/2023 14:56

Marblessolveeverything · 06/01/2023 14:34

He is 14 preprogrammed to be a teen. The issue is the age gap. In his head it will be you had kid let me live life🤣

Have a quite word when everyone has had a good night sleep. To be fair no you are an adult you shouldn't lose it but you are human.

Maybe agree wifi off during nap and have a chat acknowledging that this could have been avoided by both of ye chatting.

It won't be a miracle but it is modeling behavior you want him to follow.

I'd do this

kittensinthekitchen · 06/01/2023 14:56

doodlepoodlenoodle · 06/01/2023 14:20

Well I guess it's naive of me to think kids have gone back to school without questioning where I'm the country you at, I'm in England and most schools went back Tuesday or Wednesday of this week.

What? Someone in England on Mumsnet who thinks the whole world revolves around their schedule?

Surely not?! 🤣😉

Bookworm20 · 06/01/2023 14:56

I think i'd also go down the route of if he can't control his shouting when ds is napping, the wifi goes off. Simple as.

And don't beast yourself up for yelling and losing your cool. Hell, I don't know a single parent of a teen who hasn't lost their cool with them at some point. I have 3 teens in the house and tbh as much as I love them dearly, sometimes they want to make me scream like a mad woman and throw them out the window because it feels like sometimes they just don't bloody listen (or care).

Hope your ds naps soon and you get a break. when you are feeling less frazzled and ds is calm, just have a word with dss and apologise for yelling and explain you have reached the end of your very tired tether and if it ever happens again the wifi will go straight off for all and every nap time ds has when dss is over.

GentlyBen · 06/01/2023 14:57

Goldenbear · 06/01/2023 14:52

YABU, talk about making the step son feel unwelcome. I find that really sad, he is your Partner's/husband's son. I have friends with a 16 year old daughter and two younger siblings who are 5 and 2 she is my friends step daughter no way would she always expect the teenager to compromise and I can't believe people are advising you to tell his Dad to tell him he can't live with you or is unwelcome, he is still just 14- how horrible.

Ridiculous comment. Everyone in the world has to compromise. He’s been asked to stop screaming and shouting for an hour, it’s not like he’s being asked to do something unreasonable. He’s not the OP’s child, she’s doing a favour to his parents. If he doesn’t behave then she’ll stop doing them a favour - it’s that simple. He wants to play games, if he can’t do that without negatively impacting others then he doesn’t get to do it at all - it’s common decency.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 06/01/2023 14:58

Unplug the wifi!

And ask him parents to teach him how to have a bit of respect.

Survey99 · 06/01/2023 14:59

"dss, sorry I shouted at you, I shouldn't have done that. I was frustrated with ds waking from the noise but that was no excuse to shout at you. It cannot continue like this so I am asking you this one last time , and you are old enough to know what one last time means, not to shout when he is napping. If it happens again the new rule going forward permanently will be your game console will be off during ds's naps."

Goldenbear · 06/01/2023 14:59

He's not the OP's child - weak argument, his presence in her life is pretty relevent wouldn't you say considering she's chosen to be with someone with a child!

wackamole · 06/01/2023 15:00

Assuming it's a consistent, scheduled nap time for the baby, a 14yo is certainly capable of keeping quiet during that time even if that means he stays offline. He goes to school; he is obviously able to refrain from shouting at the computer during lesson times, just for example.

I'd pass this off to whichever one of his parents is your partner. It's gone beyond a simple request or reminder or even one-time discipline that you should handle because you're home and his parents are out. It's now a more general and ongoing parenting issue about him essentially refusing to or not bothering to follow very simple rules for the good of the household. Get his parent to parent; it'll save you trouble in the long run.

kittensinthekitchen · 06/01/2023 15:01

Suprima · 06/01/2023 14:32

Call him down for a chat and cup of tea/energy drink. Have you actually spoken to him like a grown up, or laid it out to him?

“Look, I’m sorry I shouted at you. That wasn’t cool- but I don’t think you fully understand. You keep getting waking X. The baby needs to sleep, if the baby doesn’t sleep- they’re grumpy, they shout and I can’t get anything done. It also means they don’t sleep at night, so I don’t sleep at night. Baby naps are my only chance to get some chores done, or have a break. Do you understand that? You get to play games all day. I get this one hour!”

…

”Go enjoy your game and your Xmas hol, but please keep it down when X is sleeping. It would be incredibly kind of you and would make such a difference.”

If he still can’t keep it the fuck down after chatting to him like a grown up, then Wi-Fi gets cut off during nap times or console removed.

This seems good, calm advice.

Ask him what would help remind him to keep the noise down. If he's like my teenagers, he won't be doing it deliberately, just loses track of himself.

Goldenbear · 06/01/2023 15:02

He's being a teenager, it is nothing to do with respect and everything to do with the teenage brain. I assume you have young children with that stellar advice. By all means let him know that he's been unreasonable but shouting at him is not reasonable

Deathbyfluffy · 06/01/2023 15:02

Prinnny · 06/01/2023 14:21

Because it’s the holidays…🙄

Anyway back to the point of the thread..YANBU he’s had plenty warnings, he’s 14 not 4, unplug the Wi-Fi!

Show quote history

There's not really any need for the eyeroll, some kids are back at school and have been for a couple of days.

SproutsLCerVEGNoEgg · 06/01/2023 15:03

@BABYASLEEP

Does he have a specific reason why he can't be left at home alone (at his mums) he's 14, old enough to stay by himself and game in an empty house!!

How tied down are you by him being there? Does it stop you meeting up with friends or going out?

I think you need to look at the bigger picture of being taken for granted by both his parents.

but in regard to this situation YANBU to have told him off!

have you got him for the weekend?
is he back to school next week?

if you haven't got him anymore before the next holidays, I'd just drop it now.

if you've still got days to go I'd be telling him the wifi is going off when DS naps as he can't control his shouting & it will be off for 2 hours & if he still wakes DS off it will stay off.

& I wouldn't be taking any crap off his Dad either, if he doesn't like it he can make other arrangements for his son.

Goldenbear · 06/01/2023 15:05

Other arrangements for his son, presumably the son is entitled to live with his own Dad just like the baby is. Again, how horrible.

kittensinthekitchen · 06/01/2023 15:05

Deathbyfluffy · 06/01/2023 15:02

There's not really any need for the eyeroll, some kids are back at school and have been for a couple of days.

Show quote history

So is it such a stretch to think that maybe, just maybe, a teenager who is at home is at one of those schools who haven't yet returned?

Would you not think before commenting in that case? Especially when it's completely irrelevant to the subject.

EL8888 · 06/01/2023 15:07

ButterflyOil · 06/01/2023 14:47

Can’t he use headphones? Or is he yelling at the game as well / talking loudly?

Tbh I think some of it is understandable, I always feel sorry for older kids when new people come in and a new baby arrives and they are expected to make accommodations for the half sibling. I would never have chosen myself to have a baby in the house with a teen - it’s an incredibly difficult mix because of their very differing needs. I don’t thinks it’s very fair he’s expected to stay with you while you are caught up parenting a baby and his parents are off to work any more than it’s fair for them to expect you to try and deal with a baby and their teen at the same time.

Id be refusing to have him tbh and get his parents to share the childcare properly between them so he has good quality time with them while he is off school, rather than palmed off on you to play video games and be basically ignored and yelled at for noise.

People have to make accommodations for the people they live with, it’s just the way it goes. For example my husband is in the middle of an important work call right now, l can’t start playing loud music and having loud shouted phone calls. When l lived in house share then l would be within my rights to ask house mates to make noise every hour of the day and night. Step son needs to learn to compromise and it’s not all about him

Sartre · 06/01/2023 15:08

Wifi off during naps, no negotiation. He can find something else to do for an hour, leave the house maybe.

LampHat · 06/01/2023 15:08

Sorry not rtft, but could you use white noise for nap time? Really helped with ours!

America12 · 06/01/2023 15:09

Goldenbear · 06/01/2023 14:56

A Games console is a fairly typical thing to play with at 14, should the baby be denied it's age appropriate shape sorter - of course not so why is it ok to deny the other child stuff. Again, unkind advice.

But not if used inconsiderately , he's regularly waking up the baby.

isthismylifenow · 06/01/2023 15:12

14 year olds to tend to think of themselves first. I've had two and it's a bit of an awkward age generally.

I think a sit down discussion this evening once his dad gets home is in order.

I don't think you need to resort to turning off the wifi if he agrees to do something else at nap time. He can watch TV, take the dog for a walk, if no dog then he can go outside for a bit, wash the dishes, anything but be in the next door room making a racket.

It's tough being a teenager with a baby sibling, but what he has to realise is that he is now an older brother, and this is how it is now.

I think you should involve his dad in the conversation so that 1, he is aware and 2, you have backup if need be.

Brefugee · 06/01/2023 15:14

A Games console is a fairly typical thing to play with at 14, should the baby be denied it's age appropriate shape sorter - of course not so why is it ok to deny the other child stuff. Again, unkind advice.

well if the baby is using the blocksorter in the 14 year old's room while he's trying to sleep, it's not similar.

Part of growing up is learning how to behave around other people and that sometimes you have to make a compromise. That means for the DSS that for one hour of the day when OPs baby is asleep, he is quiet. Not impossible, even for a teenager

Esmereldaaa · 06/01/2023 15:16

doodlepoodlenoodle · 06/01/2023 14:22

Okay, my bad! Nearly ever my child I know is back. Apologies...

Still school hols here aswell

Esmereldaaa · 06/01/2023 15:17

I don't think losing your cool was very nice. Not a great way to build a relationship with your DSS. Especially as you say he got upset.

It's not his fault your DS needs to nap.

Goldenbear · 06/01/2023 15:20

Are you seriously suggesting the baby never disturbs the teenager? He presumably is in GCSE years or heading there and have you put in place how you are going to accommodate him studying or is it a case of him not being welcome in his Dad's house (that he shares with you)The baby cannot compromise so what are the adults doing to do that on their behalf. Equally, I have had regular views of my friend's kids dynamic like this and the toddler very much does drag their dumper truck, hammers tool kit, involves the teenager in general chaos.

Purplecatshopaholic · 06/01/2023 15:22

You’ve given him chances and he’s blown it. Just stop looking after him - it’s his parents problem, not yours.

Goldenbear · 06/01/2023 15:25

Is the op 'looking after' him or is he just 'being' in one of his parents' homes, why has he no right to live in his Dad's home

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