I lied about money. Now I want a divorce. Am I being an idiot/unreasonable?

[TinselTinselTinsel]

DH is a difficult/lazy man. Had lots of support on MN in the past. Going to leave him. He won't listen or change.

Before we married (6 years ago), I inherited from an aunt £60k. We then married. The money has always stayed in my name and in my account.

We spent £20k on the new house and a second car.

Over the last few years, we've had various things go wrong with the house plus childcare for 2 x toddlers, plus pandemic etc.

Anyway - he gets very stressed about money. He doesn't do anything to do with money. Mortgage, bills, car, childcare costs - all down to me to sort to pay and know about. He doesn't even know who our mortgage is with.

Over the last couple of years, I've just downplayed how much things are costing. Because if I tell him "Oh the plumber cost £200" - he will go quiet for 3 days or throw stuff or shout "we haven't got any fucking money" etc, so I just used to say "the plumber cost £100"

I now only have £20k left. He thinks we have £30k to £40k of it left. He last asked how much is left of our savings 6 months ago and I said £35k.

Anyway - I lied. It's £20k.

I now want to leave him. I am the breadwinner. All bills, money, everything in my name. Everything from our savings went on nursery bills and fixing stuff in the house/cars.

I am considering waiting until I've saved up another £10-£15k in my savings account so he doesn't know I spent more on childcare and house that I admitted. But is that crazy behaviour? Does it matter if he finds out that everything cost a bit more than I said it did?

Now one of the kids has got free hours, i am saving every month and probably will get the savings back up to £30-£40k over the next year or two. And then I leave him and he takes half?

Any advice? Should I just leave now and when he asks say "ah yes, there is only £20k left actually"

I know I was wrong to lie. He just gets so angry and stressed about things and he doesn't' really ask anymore but when he did I would just say "it's all fine" because I didn't want to upset him.

Ah thanks - that's clearer - I was trying to be brief in the reply to summarise assets/debts situation and completely missed that the inheritance came before marriage and that it was only a 6y marriage, so ended up being completely unhelpful instead!

Either way, if the OP earns back the money, I don't know if this could be put back in the inheritance pot as it's then new savings (and therefore joint), so along with numerous other reasons already stated in this thread, seems a completely pointless plan and she just needs to end the marriage and get the paperwork and finances sorted with some proper legal help outside of mn.

Good luck OP.

OP, the fact you're so scared to tell him about this (and that you've been scared to tell him all along how much things cost) says it all. You're right to be ending this marriage.

Of course you don't have to save and pay it back. It's your money, you spent it on things like his car and household bills, he's been too much of a child to take any interest. Why would you voluntarily give this man even more of your money? Why would you suggest staying longer in order to do so when you are clearly unhappy and frightened?

You might think about something like the Freedom Program if you can't see how wrong this all is.

Are you scared for your safety? It sounds like you are. Have you seen a solicitor? This is all stuff to tell them (including your worries about telling him about the money). They can advise on things to do including keeping him away from the house if that is necessary. Do you have somewhere you can go with the children in an emergency?

I'd add that you don't actually have to tell him anything about the money now especially if you are scared to do so. Tell your solicitor and tell them the reason. This can all be sorted down the line and you'll have evidence that the money has been spent not squirrelled away.

You've been keeping the family afloat by supplementing income with savings from your inheritance while he absolves himself of financial responsibilities and now you want to save up to give him more in a divorce because of his naivety of family finances.
You're mad just tell him the truth, it's gone on legitimate expenses and if he can't be arsed to keep abreast of finances and leaves it to you then he can hardly be surprised with the figures when they're revealed.

People lie about money all of the time. If you want to leave this unhappy marriage, then do it now. Don't wait. Life is too short.

It was given to you. It was yours. You have spent it on the family which includes your husband. The same husband who stepped away from any family money management.

Please don't beat yourself up. If you divorce what's left is likely to be divvied up. He might not be happy about it that's just too bad, it's a bit late in the day.

Not to worry OP. You don’t have to tell him that you lied.

Leave, request that all communication be through solicitors, and let the solicitor tell him. Easy, and definitely better than putting up with this crap.

It doesn’t really matter if you lied - although I despise lying - because you want a divorce anyway.

Get really good legal advice as soon as possible and legally split as soon as possible.

However much of an unworldly man-child your husband seems to be,you may well be surprised at how financially switched on he becomes when you split.

I have a friend who was in similar circumstances- her now ex took her to the cleaners and wangled half of all assets,including her pension and 5 years spousal support so he could 'adjust' to his new lifestyle (ie grow up and get a job to support himself.

(He did neither, but used the time being supported by her to identify and snare another meal ticket)

100% This

Oh god @guffaux that's a terrifying thought. Paying him support for 5 years???

You're right though. We had an argument a few weeks ago and he said something like "Tinsel, you think you're going to win, but you're never going to fucking win"

I hadn't heard his use that language before - he was talking like there was a battle between us.

Someone up thread said don't presume he is happy. I don't presume he is happy at all. But I don't think he will ever leave. I had been hoping he might just up and leave but realise now it's being v passive in my own life.

I will go see a solicitor. But I can't risk losing the kids to him. That just can't ever happen.

give him 15k that’s half of what he expects and leave him now ?

You're so right @IntoTheDeepDark . Just imagine if it were a man working full-time, doing nearly all the housework and getting asked by his lazy wife when he'll get around to scrub the toilet as well. MN would erupt.

Leave immediately and give him as little as possible. Because you can guarantee he'll try to take every penny YOU have. He doesn't give a fuck about you. Stop giving a fuck about him and his shitty moods - he can throw a strop to his divorce lawyer if he wants (somehow I imagine he'll be able to deal with it like an adult coming from them)

He can’t hate you anymore than he’s going to. He’s had it easy really. Time for him to grow up.

it was your inheritance, why on earth save up to divorce him. Just get on with it. 💐

If you're going to leave him anyway may as well be now
I wouldn't bother saving anymore only to give half to your DH I think you've stumped up for enough yourself already.

Not sure about your dwindling inheritance being only yours that depends on whether it's deemed a matrimonial asset.
It's so important that if you divorce you get a financial order in place.

Tell him there’s nothing left. He doesn’t get to f about, make no sacrifices, be grumpy about how much staff cost, and then get to keep some of your inheritance.
make periodic withdrawal and put it away for your children because as it stands, it seems he will not be contributing much. You will need the money for day to day as well as any childcare emergencies you might have.

Leave and take the children. He doesn’t actually want them. He doesn’t look after them. He just wants to not have to work and be able to sit on his phone all day. He can’t afford to pay for the house on his salary so it’ll either have to be sold or you’ll buy him out.
Either way do not stay another minute with him. Tell him you want a divorce and that’s it. The solicitors can tell him about the money and everything else. That’s their job

This. Every time.

OP, before you do anything, please see a good family law solicitor. Recommendations from a trusted friend (who will keep your confidence) would be good, otherwise check The Law Society website to Find a Solicitor solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/.

Ensure you get the most value from your appointment by having as much of your (and your husband's) relevant financial information, including pensions.

Don't give him a heads up on what you are doing - use the time to your advantage. 🌹

If you leave him now he'll get less money than if you leave him further down the line when you have more savings.

Why wait?

I had to break it to you but, there’s no such thing as “your inheritance”. If it came from your aunt, it may be that it’s a shared financial asset. I say this because I inherited from my mum in March. 120K has sat in the joint Acct. and is now part of the marital “pot”. With no blame divorce assets are split 50/50. That’s the starting point and then negotiating starts (unless you’re good with 50/50).

You need some legal/financial advice.

If you want to leave and you don't want him to take primary residency of the children, you need to be smart about it. Make sure you have proof that you take them to things, spend quality time with them, and so on.

And rather than saving more money to pacify him with, see about hiding it. You need to talk to a good solictor asap.

I don't get how I'm scared of him but he is like a child.

He's programmed you to be scared. Being 'like a child' has nothing to do with it. Even a 'child' can be extremely manipulative and tantrums are intimidating. Knowing that someone will shout and throw things will make one do anything to avoid such a 'scene', even lie. Believe me, I've been there, done that, bought the t-shirt, and worn it to shreds!!!

Remember, you do not have to tell him what's 'really' in the savings until the financial settlement negotiations, nor do you have to give him a penny until the divorce is finalized unless the court specifies otherwise. In fact, it is highly suggested that you do NOT divvy finances until you have legal papers signed right and tight.

So, if I were you, I'd say nothing. At least I'd say nothing until we weren't living under the same roof! Then he can scream and shout to his own 4 walls, because you won't be there. Tell him when you can put down the phone or shut your door on him. Just be sure you have receipts/records for what has been spent out of the savings. This is especially important for anything that you've spent in, oh, the last 12 months or so. You want to be able to document that you have not recently 'hidden' money from the account in preparation for divorce.

See a solicitor and save your money AFTER he's no longer entitled to any of it.

Use some of your remaining inheritance money to get some really good legal advice.

Use the remaining money to rent a small, temporary home for you and your children and move out.

I don't get how I'm scared of him but he is like a child
a full grown adult man with the mentality of a child can be pretty scary, he's the strength to easily over power you and no impulse control when he loses his temper, lacks ability to rationalize and see sense=dangerous lose cannon
I'd be nervous around him too