I lied about money. Now I want a divorce. Am I being an idiot/unreasonable?

[TinselTinselTinsel]

DH is a difficult/lazy man. Had lots of support on MN in the past. Going to leave him. He won't listen or change.

Before we married (6 years ago), I inherited from an aunt £60k. We then married. The money has always stayed in my name and in my account.

We spent £20k on the new house and a second car.

Over the last few years, we've had various things go wrong with the house plus childcare for 2 x toddlers, plus pandemic etc.

Anyway - he gets very stressed about money. He doesn't do anything to do with money. Mortgage, bills, car, childcare costs - all down to me to sort to pay and know about. He doesn't even know who our mortgage is with.

Over the last couple of years, I've just downplayed how much things are costing. Because if I tell him "Oh the plumber cost £200" - he will go quiet for 3 days or throw stuff or shout "we haven't got any fucking money" etc, so I just used to say "the plumber cost £100"

I now only have £20k left. He thinks we have £30k to £40k of it left. He last asked how much is left of our savings 6 months ago and I said £35k.

Anyway - I lied. It's £20k.

I now want to leave him. I am the breadwinner. All bills, money, everything in my name. Everything from our savings went on nursery bills and fixing stuff in the house/cars.

I am considering waiting until I've saved up another £10-£15k in my savings account so he doesn't know I spent more on childcare and house that I admitted. But is that crazy behaviour? Does it matter if he finds out that everything cost a bit more than I said it did?

Now one of the kids has got free hours, i am saving every month and probably will get the savings back up to £30-£40k over the next year or two. And then I leave him and he takes half?

Any advice? Should I just leave now and when he asks say "ah yes, there is only £20k left actually"

I know I was wrong to lie. He just gets so angry and stressed about things and he doesn't' really ask anymore but when he did I would just say "it's all fine" because I didn't want to upset him.

Why do you want to give him more money?? Just divorce him and get on with it.

Before you do anything is there any way you can put the remaining 20k elsewhere? I don't think he should walk away with even a penny of it.

That's OK, don't kick yourself. You're not the one who was a dick in the relationship. You are obviously a loving and capable person. He's the one who has been cruel and exploitative.

Lots of us have been there with you. You'll learn from this experience and come out stronger.

Have you spoken to women's aid or a therapist at all?

I’ve never yet read a thread where the woman cut hours/ gave up work, but still left everything to the husband re children, domestic work, life admin etc. Where she neglected the kids to play on her phone and called him when they needed changing, or told him “the loo needs cleaning” as he headed out for work and she had a day off. Never seen it.

This!

And to PPs saying that if a man wrote this OP, there'd be outrage at his deceit - wouldn't that be tempered by outrage at a lazy woman not prepared to take responsibility for sharing the financial support of the family, but also not prepared to do the domestic labour to support the income-earning spouse?

Please get a SHL (shit hot lawyer) @TinselTinselTinsel and also protect your money!

An actual solicitor has commented in this thread, I'd be taking her advice rather than posting about hiding money etc.

V tempting but don’t do this. Hiding assets prior to separation is easily seen and will go against you should it ever go to court.

Do you have to tell him? Split up, wait until you complete the financial paperwork and put in the figure then. It will have changed anyway as separating will cost money. Don’t pick a fight you don’t need to have.

If you save it’s a marital asset and he’s entitled to half. Leave now, you might be able to protect the remaining £20 as a pre marital assets but savings won’t be.

@IntoTheDeepDark Are you alright? You can't be sane.

Some comments on this thread are crazy -all this talk of putting the money elsewhere, in another account. It does not matter. They’re married - all their money is joint and it isn’t ring fenced- it doesn’t matter whose account it’s in. He will in theory get half the house, half the savings. Don’t start saving up more money before a divorce, because he’ll get half of that too.

This.

OP makes it clear that although he may stay at home with kids he could not parent.

The fact you feel that way is a prefect illustration of your reaction to his unreasonable behaviour, isn't it?

Just as it would be, for him, an example of your unreasonable behviour.

Both scenarios would help the divorce along. So no, don't save up, just file the paperwork!

@Onebelow you are wrong I’m afraid. If the property is in both their names she cannot just kick him out. You would need an occupation order.

Your relationship sounds so toxic and messed up, it must have worn you down over the years.

Good thing is you’ve decided to move on and side you’ve made that decision it why should you care if he knows or not? He choose to love like a little child with his head in the sand so that’s his problem even though you also enabled him.

Reading this makes me so sad for you, why are you so scared of him? He has literally lived off you for years and even after making the d decision to leave you’re still so caught Uk with fear of not upsetting him.

as others have said sod him no need to save extra money for him to take from the divorce, and please get therapy and help for yourself as you rebuild your life, this is not a good state of mind to be in at all.

No,no,no.. you leave him now, give him 10K and then save all the money for yourself and dc later!! Who cares if you lied. It was your money anyways and it was spent on family expenses.

I know you can't hide assets but can you pay for things like Council Tax, water rates and Elec and Gas upfront for the year to reduce your monthly bills going forward and reduce the amount that he will recieve?

This.

Don't make yourself any more miserable.

What do you think he will do if you tell him about the money? Bear in mind that if he uses or threatens violence, you can ring the police, have him removed from the house and apply for a non molestation order.

You could invest the remaining 20,000 in a top divorce lawyer as I think you might be congenitally naive. I think you are at risk of him keeping the children and you having to pay him forever. But I am not a lawyer.

Pay for an hour's meeting with a divorce solicitor. For example you should not put any money beyond his reach as that is likely to be illegal and anyway disclosable during the divorce process.

It is no problem that you said you had more savings than you do other than that he is likely to want to check the statements to see where it went as he will think you have given it to your m other to hide and seek a court order to root it out.

The more you save, the more he gets in the divorce settlement. Unfortunately half your savings Will go to him even if it's your inheritance in your account.