I lied about money. Now I want a divorce. Am I being an idiot/unreasonable?

[TinselTinselTinsel]

DH is a difficult/lazy man. Had lots of support on MN in the past. Going to leave him. He won't listen or change.

Before we married (6 years ago), I inherited from an aunt £60k. We then married. The money has always stayed in my name and in my account.

We spent £20k on the new house and a second car.

Over the last few years, we've had various things go wrong with the house plus childcare for 2 x toddlers, plus pandemic etc.

Anyway - he gets very stressed about money. He doesn't do anything to do with money. Mortgage, bills, car, childcare costs - all down to me to sort to pay and know about. He doesn't even know who our mortgage is with.

Over the last couple of years, I've just downplayed how much things are costing. Because if I tell him "Oh the plumber cost £200" - he will go quiet for 3 days or throw stuff or shout "we haven't got any fucking money" etc, so I just used to say "the plumber cost £100"

I now only have £20k left. He thinks we have £30k to £40k of it left. He last asked how much is left of our savings 6 months ago and I said £35k.

Anyway - I lied. It's £20k.

I now want to leave him. I am the breadwinner. All bills, money, everything in my name. Everything from our savings went on nursery bills and fixing stuff in the house/cars.

I am considering waiting until I've saved up another £10-£15k in my savings account so he doesn't know I spent more on childcare and house that I admitted. But is that crazy behaviour? Does it matter if he finds out that everything cost a bit more than I said it did?

Now one of the kids has got free hours, i am saving every month and probably will get the savings back up to £30-£40k over the next year or two. And then I leave him and he takes half?

Any advice? Should I just leave now and when he asks say "ah yes, there is only £20k left actually"

I know I was wrong to lie. He just gets so angry and stressed about things and he doesn't' really ask anymore but when he did I would just say "it's all fine" because I didn't want to upset him.

he will instinctively understand that you are cognitively/intellectually above him and won't be able to cope with the feelings of humiliation/anger/confusion that he experiences if he tries to engage on subjects he doesnt understand. Hence he resorts to belligerence and refusal to engage- it's all he's got.
I suspect his tactic is to create a low level sense of menace so that you always feel you have to keep one eye on him just in case and that's why you feel nervous about the fact you were unable (for fear of his reaction) to be truthful about the cost of things

Op - people don’t “lose” their kids in divorce situations. The American idea of “custody” is not what happens here. Assuming you are UK based.

Yes - sadly you will probably have to come to a shared care arrangement but the fact that you work more than him doesn’t mean you will end up agreeing to every other weekend. The overriding concern is the well being of the children - and except in cases of abuse that will mean significant time with each parent, 50/50
etc.

If he is a lazy sod you may find him finding the reality of 50/50 without you cleaning up after him etc less than appealing and you end up 80/20 etc

Speak to a good solicitor. Make sure they are family law specialists.

You really need out. You will not lose your kids (have to be seriously neglectful for that to happen.) Financially divorce tends to be a 50-50 split, but you may well do better if you can demonstrate that you put more cash into your assets (eg house purchase) The worst scenario for you : 50-50 split of assets, you keep living in house as needed for kids, he gets shared custody. As he doesn’t actually like taking care of his children, he won’t actually try for full custody (that is just an idle threat)
You won’t have to support him. The courts see through these idle tossers that don’t want to work (that cuts both ways).
Given his gaslighting, this will not be an easy process for you,but you will be SO happy once you have got rid of him.
Good luck!

I may well be wrong, but I thought Inheritance, especially one from before marriage was not a marriage asset. It belongs to the person it was willed to doesn't it?

The inheritance is likely your money - ask the solicitor about that. I don't think it will be split in the case of a divorce.

Hopefully you will get 50/50. But whatever you do, don't move out of the house. Could your partner pay the mortgage on his own? If not, you might get to stay in the family home if you can buy him out.

No, that’s not usually the case, especially as the OP hasn’t ringfenced it. When married, everything is shared jointly, generally. It doesn’t matter who got what money when.

He will feel you oulling away,
So prepare before he realises.
Get copies of all documents, house, savings, pension. Wedding cert etc
Make sure he cant acces your email/computer/bank/phone. You can create a new email for your solicitor
Change your phone log in./ undo any cloud.(say you have been hacked, whatever)
Make sure he cant see your correspondence on ipad.
You need to keep your plan private

"Pulling"

I think I would actually take all the money out or something @TinselTinselTinsel , give it to someone to take care of if you have someone, or put it somewhere he doesn't know about. Say it's all gone when you divorce him. He's already had more than his half of the 60k through you paying for stuff more than him, either from your salary or savings.

I thought so, too.

Inheritance rules are different between England and Wales.

In England if you have spent some of the inheritance on the family/households rather than keeping it ringfenced then it is usually considered a marital asset.

No, because when married, everything is joint. It belongs to both of them.

Thank you. You've all made me see his anger about the lie about the savings isn't my problem and that I must not go to an effort to fix the lie e.g save more money.

The house and the kids are far far bigger deals. The kids the biggest obviously. I just got fixated on the lie and that if he found out it would confirm that I wasn't to be trusted or that I am sneaky or manipulative (what he accuses me of). If he tries to get 50% custody and 50% of hosue or even worse gets more than 50% then I'll have real issues and this saving account will be the least of my problems

@TinselTinselTinsel
I don't think you should even see it as a lie you were just doing what you had to in order to feel safe in your own home & protect yourself from his anger etc
Accusing you of being sneaky or manipulative is just another tactic (although he probably just does it instinctively) to keep you feeling guilty, beholden to him, on the back foot etc. He's not saying it because it's true, rather he's chosen this because he knows it will get to you, it's a stick to beat you with.
He's trying to make you doubt yourself so you dont try to go against him, he doesn't want to give up his comfortable life...which comes at YOUR expense!

If he is abusive, she can get a restraining order, and he literally won’t be allowed on that street, never mind in the house. I’ve been through it so I know. You do not have to live with an abusive man just because his name is on the mortgage.

Are you under the impression that the savings are yours because they're in your account/name? It's really not as clear cut when you're married. I wouldn't be saving anything at this stage (in a bank account).
You don't want to stay with him. There's nothing to be gained by staying (unless there's a backstory).
Get legal advice, then tell him you want a divorce and take it from there. When he asks why admit that your sick of being responsible for everything including protecting him from your money problems and just cant do it anymore (without your buffer it would be a problem).
Do you own your home? If you intend to stay there maybe a lumpsum could be just the incentive he needs for a clean break. Offer him half if he signs the house over. You can sort childcare maintenance out later (but don't hold your breath)

@TinselTinselTinsel

I'm in the middle of divorce proceedings - 9 years separated, that's how long it's taken to get to this point - with an extremely manipulative ex, who as I mentioned up thread, spent every penny and more that he could get his hands on in our marriage.

I would bet any money that regarding the DC, whatever he purports to want, in practice, he will not want to have to care for them on his own, and you will end up having them most of the time.

I think the house will be an issue - it's certainly a huge sticking point in my situation, notwithstanding that I've paid the mortgage for 9 years.

I also think he'll use the fact of his p/t work as evidence of being a SAHD for part of the time and will look for spousal maintenance. (From MN I gather that's much harder to get in the UK than Ireland - where I am).

You need to get proactive. Research a good solicitor, ask around for first-hand experience. Get moving on this asap, this man has taken enough of your life, time to move on. 💐

What does he contribute? I don't believe you're giving us the full picture, because you married him and stayed for 6 years for a reason. We got the "man bad, tell me to tell him to fuck off, gang" red meat.

Ok, now explain why you married him and had his children when he's an allegeded abusive bum.

🙄

If you read OP's posts, you'll see why.

What a rubbish, inaccurate summary of what's been said.

So when are you booked in to see this Solicitor ? Because I’ve been reading about this now for five weeks. A divorce could be done in 12. You could be halfway there by now.

You could say this to anyone whose marriage has broken down. People change over time, life (especially having children) can reveal aspects of a personality that weren’t apparent before. Or maybe OP knew her husband was like this pre-marriage and kids but thought he might rise to the occasion, which was a mistake but I’m not sure OP’s claiming not to have made any mistakes 🤷‍♀️

Offer him half if he signs the house over.

Ffs don't do this without discussing with a solicitor first! A judge could overturn that and you would still have to give him half. Offer nothing without legal representation, give nothing until rubber stamped by the judge.

Ok, now explain why you married him and had his children when he's an allegeded abusive bum.
Ignore this poster. They can't even be bothered to find out how abusive relationships work.

I would have spend the 20k too.n
Said big fat zero.

Agree with this

Make sure it's safe from him as once you leave and have bulk of childcare you'll need that money. By the time you have to put in your finance forms for the divorce you'll find you have even less!! And what you spend until then doesn't count if it's on reasonable expenses. I know because in the year it took to get my divorce finalised my ExDH had spent all our joint savings AND deliberately run up £70k in debt on his own credit cards ! Judge ignored his personal debts but didn't take account of the money he'd wasted from our joint accounts & he burnt through it with expensive holidays and weekends away in hotels.

Make sure you notify your mortgage lender that you are divorcing and no loans are to be made against the house.

@Onebelow have you ever tried to get a restraining order?

I referenced occupation order because that would be awarded as part of the restraining order to solve property issues.

it’s far from easy to do and in case here unlikely to be successful. But regardless she can’t just kick him out as you suggested.