I lied about money. Now I want a divorce. Am I being an idiot/unreasonable?

[TinselTinselTinsel]

DH is a difficult/lazy man. Had lots of support on MN in the past. Going to leave him. He won't listen or change.

Before we married (6 years ago), I inherited from an aunt £60k. We then married. The money has always stayed in my name and in my account.

We spent £20k on the new house and a second car.

Over the last few years, we've had various things go wrong with the house plus childcare for 2 x toddlers, plus pandemic etc.

Anyway - he gets very stressed about money. He doesn't do anything to do with money. Mortgage, bills, car, childcare costs - all down to me to sort to pay and know about. He doesn't even know who our mortgage is with.

Over the last couple of years, I've just downplayed how much things are costing. Because if I tell him "Oh the plumber cost £200" - he will go quiet for 3 days or throw stuff or shout "we haven't got any fucking money" etc, so I just used to say "the plumber cost £100"

I now only have £20k left. He thinks we have £30k to £40k of it left. He last asked how much is left of our savings 6 months ago and I said £35k.

Anyway - I lied. It's £20k.

I now want to leave him. I am the breadwinner. All bills, money, everything in my name. Everything from our savings went on nursery bills and fixing stuff in the house/cars.

I am considering waiting until I've saved up another £10-£15k in my savings account so he doesn't know I spent more on childcare and house that I admitted. But is that crazy behaviour? Does it matter if he finds out that everything cost a bit more than I said it did?

Now one of the kids has got free hours, i am saving every month and probably will get the savings back up to £30-£40k over the next year or two. And then I leave him and he takes half?

Any advice? Should I just leave now and when he asks say "ah yes, there is only £20k left actually"

I know I was wrong to lie. He just gets so angry and stressed about things and he doesn't' really ask anymore but when he did I would just say "it's all fine" because I didn't want to upset him.

Not sure why you are concerned. You can only split whatever is left. If he thinks it is 35k rather than 20k that is too bad. Don't let it delay your plans to leave.

Does he work? What on earth does he bring to the table? Really, you should leave this petulant manchild

Not every pp has advised that. IMO, most advice has good so far.

Agreed that OP’s inheritance from her Aunt is likely to be considered as family money in a split, but we don’t know if OP has ring fenced it or any other details re. ‘OP’s’ inheritance. Hence why many of us have also advised to get a Solicitor ASAP.

I applaud you.

You were smart and made sure you kept an eye on the future.

Good luck. But you're going to be just fine without him.

If the OP had ringfenced it then this thread is pointless, however going by the fact she's worried about him finding out about the true amount, she hasn't ringfenced it.

Don't stay to save just to give it to him. You are leaving him so he will get mad (probably) over that anyway. He will be losing his maid.

Use the last of your inheritance to pay for a solicitor and get that divorce started. Did you ring-fence your contribution/inheritance when you bought your house? If not can you prove it retrospectively via bank statements etc? Protect your house if possible, otherwise you will need the rest of that 20K for rental deposits as it will be sold to give him half. Get out now while you still have the buffer of 20k!

*most advice has been good so far.

I wasn't smart enough to ring fence anything. @NaturalBae @GrasstrackGirl and others

His name is on the mortgage but the deposit came from me too (I had bought a flat before I met him and managed to make a bit of profit on it). Apparently there is a different type of mortgage agreement that would have protected me more but my solicitor didn't tell me about it and I was too much of a love sick idiot to do much research into it. I had children with the bloke. I thought this was it. He was probably a little "useless" at the start with responsibility but the better I've done for myself the more and the harder I work..its like he's regressed entirely.

I'm am idiot. And still being one with my weird logic that i need to save money to divorce him

I don't get how I'm scared of him but he is like a child.

Gahhhhhhhhh.

I would suggest gathering as many screenshots as you can which show that he refuses to do any actual parenting

And you have multiple kids with this tosser?

Get to solicitor ASAP.

Your situation is similar to mine.. lazy husband I paid mortgage and bills
Start divorce proceedings asap and say nothing to him about your finances at all The financial statement is the final thing to tie up after the decree Nisi( mine took 4 years as he fought me for every penny)
Who cares what he thinks? Fuck him Get rid and start your new life

@TinselTinselTinsel are you actually scared of him or is it more the upheaval that you know you're going to have to deal with, so you're just trying to minimise that? I'm not sure you can. It's always a massive thing separating when there are children and you can't necessarily predict how he's going to react - I take it you haven't actually told him yet? (Sorry if I've missed that bit).

I thought this was it. He was probably a little "useless" at the start with responsibility but the better I've done for myself the more and the harder I work..its like he's regressed entirely
This is because he regards you as his golden goose, a profitable pet which he owns and controls for his benefit, all the golden eggs that you lay belong to him, therefore the more work you do the more he can relax and enjoy the fruits of your labour.

Today he came in to tell me "the loo is disgusting when you get a chance?"

What a pig.

I wish you courage and fortitude to get through the inevitable rough seas of divorce before the deserted paradise island of divorce. Onwards, OP.

OP clearly wants advice and to talk (type out) her thoughts through.
That is allowed.

Maybe? Maybe not? It doesn’t seem so but remember, we’re strangers and do not know the intricate details of OP’s business.

I would suggest that you are compliant and as nice to him as you can possibly manage to be, do not give him any indication that the golden eggs are soon going to stop.
The long-term goal is to stop him being a thorn in your side forever.

This.

It’s neither here nor there. The fact that you lied was only due to inherent issues in marriage. You wouldn’t be penalised for spending that money during the marriage in any financial division. In absence of evidence of massive disposal of cash / assets the court just looks at what is on the pot and allocates based on need / length of marriage etc.

He can suck it up. defo don’t save up and replenish it just to give away half or similar.

• in the pot 😂

You need to rescue yourself and the DC from living with a totally disinterest father and husband. How awful it is for them that they experience daily that he doesn't care for them.

The resentment you must feel, that will all go. He will have to grow up and clean his own home.

It doesn't matter about the money, you can evidence that monthly outgoings outstripped monthly income.

Just tell him what you’ve said here - you’ve had enough of his bad reactions so minimised coats . Maybe that wasn’t ideal but neither were his reactions. remind him also that it was your inheritance in the first place so he should be grateful he’s getting anything. Some folks might have spent it all on themselves.

Why are you saying 'our' money?! You inherited!

This!

Don't save up money to give him half 🤷‍♀️

It’s okay. You’ve seen the light fully now and you’re doing something about it by posting here for advice.

Loads of us have been there too making stupid love struck life decisions, especially when we were young and naive.

You were super smart to not allow the lazy git to be a SAHD. Be kind to yourself 🍀

Today he came in to tell me "the loo is disgusting when you get a chance?" As I'm leaving for work and he's got the day at home!

This alone would make me want to spend/hide the remaining money and tell the stupid cunt to fuck off and live on his own. Your additional information makes me want to set him on fire. What an entitled failure of a man. Don’t be scared, be angry. He’s appalling.