I lied about money. Now I want a divorce. Am I being an idiot/unreasonable?

[TinselTinselTinsel]

DH is a difficult/lazy man. Had lots of support on MN in the past. Going to leave him. He won't listen or change.

Before we married (6 years ago), I inherited from an aunt £60k. We then married. The money has always stayed in my name and in my account.

We spent £20k on the new house and a second car.

Over the last few years, we've had various things go wrong with the house plus childcare for 2 x toddlers, plus pandemic etc.

Anyway - he gets very stressed about money. He doesn't do anything to do with money. Mortgage, bills, car, childcare costs - all down to me to sort to pay and know about. He doesn't even know who our mortgage is with.

Over the last couple of years, I've just downplayed how much things are costing. Because if I tell him "Oh the plumber cost £200" - he will go quiet for 3 days or throw stuff or shout "we haven't got any fucking money" etc, so I just used to say "the plumber cost £100"

I now only have £20k left. He thinks we have £30k to £40k of it left. He last asked how much is left of our savings 6 months ago and I said £35k.

Anyway - I lied. It's £20k.

I now want to leave him. I am the breadwinner. All bills, money, everything in my name. Everything from our savings went on nursery bills and fixing stuff in the house/cars.

I am considering waiting until I've saved up another £10-£15k in my savings account so he doesn't know I spent more on childcare and house that I admitted. But is that crazy behaviour? Does it matter if he finds out that everything cost a bit more than I said it did?

Now one of the kids has got free hours, i am saving every month and probably will get the savings back up to £30-£40k over the next year or two. And then I leave him and he takes half?

Any advice? Should I just leave now and when he asks say "ah yes, there is only £20k left actually"

I know I was wrong to lie. He just gets so angry and stressed about things and he doesn't' really ask anymore but when he did I would just say "it's all fine" because I didn't want to upset him.

It's not as though you spent the money on luxury items, is it? No expensive handbags or clothes, no fancy car, just essentials. So you lied, so what?

Op if you save more you'll only have to give him 50% of it in the divorce. so leave now and let him have half the house and half the 20k

It's not like you pissed it up against the wall, you HAD to spend it on the upkeep of the house.

I'd go speak to a divorce lawyer... it will really help to put this on a business like footing in your head.

In a divorce, the starting point is putting all assets (including the CETV value of any pensions) and all debts together and halving them. It doesn't matter who money was gifted to, who has paid the mortgage, who has taken out a loan. As it is a marriage, everything financial is seen as joint unless it has been specially ringfenced by a legal process (e.g. with a pre-nuptial)

Changing this halving situation (e.g. doing a 40:60 split) happens on the basis of needs going forward and previous child/homecare (e.g. a parent who has given up their career to raise children will have lost out financially in terms of their pension and their position/potential promotions at work when returning to it).

It can seem very unfair, but it's how things work in the UK.

You lied so what? It was never his money to begin with.
He doesn't deserve a penny, let alone saving money to give him MORE money?

Get the divorce on the way, you can do better.

Go see a solicitor and ask these questions of them...it's a big step but it will probably help with your stress and anxiety about this.

if it helps, my initial reaction was yes, your plan is reasonable - it's because I too was with a man I was scared of upsetting, for a long time. That walking on eggshells feeling still bubbles up sometimes.

Another one to mark “did not read”. His idea of childcare is playing on his phone whilst telling OP to do things.

Meant to say in my last post after reading this thread yes it's clear your plan isn't the way forward! Just meant I understand the feeling to want to hide everything to avoid the upset.

Does it matter if he finds out that everything cost a bit more than I said it did?

No, it really doesn't/ He's a grown up. If he can't cope with reality, then that is his problem.

Think about it this way: would your aunt wanted you to have subsidised a lazy, childish man, who seems to show no awareness of his incompetence, and is angry with you for being competent?

I don't know how you've stayed with him for as long as you have. What a poor apology for an adult he seems.

If you are the main earner then he may well be entitled to half or even more of this because when you are married assets (and liabilities) are shared - you can't easily "hide" or ringfence money - I'd imagine that was illegal anyway?

If you have kids and its likely that you are going to stay in the family home (because mothers and kids usually do unless it's financially too much of a burden) I'd be tempted to use what is left to make improvements - double glazing, new roof - things that will benefit you and your children without being something that can be divvied up.

You may still be expected to give him a share of any equity in the house however which might mean remorgaging or just giving him what's left in return for you to take over the mortgage (and the asset of the house) yourself going forward.

But basically after saying all that - as has been said get legal advice. If you can afford it (which you can at the moment by the sound of it?) get really good legal advice.

This is nuts. You've spent your own inheritance on household bills, and the only reason you lied about it is to spare this cocklodging manchild from having another tantrum. You have nothing to be ashamed about. Dump him like the garbage that he is - now!

This is yet another thread where I'd love to see the responses if the OP and her husbands roles were reversed. The OP has lied and manipulated him to suit herself. All with good reason!! But imagine if it were a man doing it to a woman.

I’d be taking the 20k out of the bank in cash and hiding it and telling him there is sweet FA left.

Does he actually pay for anything or is he sailing on your coattails? I wouldn’t be surprised you’ve been subbing him and he’s been able to save some aside.

It sounds like you are in a good position if you are the higher earner and have some savings. Use the rest for whatever you need until the divorce is finalised. You don't need to worry about telling him how much is left. He will hear that from the solicitor on divorce.

Tell him you spent the difference on your divorce lawyer.

Have you ever read a thread where a woman at home with the kids for the day, and her male partner working from the home office, asks him to interrupt his working day to come and change a nappy?

Or before he leaves on his commute asks him to clean the toilet when he gets home from work later?

You're leaving him. I think you're very sensible. I'd say get on with it, get your life back. You've clearly been planning this for a while.

If it was a lazy, do nothing SAHM, having a massive tantrum every time a bill needed paying, such that the DH was walking on eggshells and lying about spending HIS OWN INHERITANCE (not her money, morally and possibly not legally); and doing absolutely nothing to contribute towards the household, or alleviate the stress on their DH of running a household and bringing up pre-schoolers, then I would say exactly the same. Dump.

If the roles were reversed I'm sure posters would be telling the mother to buckle up and do some childcare or get a job.
I'm pretty sure judges now expect mothers to work outside the home these days.

Anyway, OP you need to divorce ASAP. Who cares what he thinks, don't say anything just get going on it.

Leave and tell him he can find out through your solicitor. Its not like you need to feel guilty, its been spent on stuff you needed, so he’ll just have to deal with it and face up to his issues with money.

Sounds like you are making a very good decision leaving!

You think just like me! He wouldn't see a penny of it, trust me.

I think if the money is an inheritance and has stayed in your name and not in the family pot you don’t have to give him any. That was certainly my understanding when I received an inheritance years ago.

You sound like you have lost perspective on this situation.

You need to cut along quick smart with the divorcing. Let the cards fall where they may.

Get a friend or relation around for the big conversation so he can't be really horrible to you, and tell him he must move out and clean his own horrible toilet. Then make sure he does.

Not QUITE that straightforward in terms of non-marital assets.

Though a solicitor acting for the DH would argue that the inheritance has been used as a family assets and as such should go into the pot.

but you could certainly debate it as the marriage does not fall into the “long” category. Somewhere mid range.

Inheritances in divorce