I lied about money. Now I want a divorce. Am I being an idiot/unreasonable?

[TinselTinselTinsel]

DH is a difficult/lazy man. Had lots of support on MN in the past. Going to leave him. He won't listen or change.

Before we married (6 years ago), I inherited from an aunt £60k. We then married. The money has always stayed in my name and in my account.

We spent £20k on the new house and a second car.

Over the last few years, we've had various things go wrong with the house plus childcare for 2 x toddlers, plus pandemic etc.

Anyway - he gets very stressed about money. He doesn't do anything to do with money. Mortgage, bills, car, childcare costs - all down to me to sort to pay and know about. He doesn't even know who our mortgage is with.

Over the last couple of years, I've just downplayed how much things are costing. Because if I tell him "Oh the plumber cost £200" - he will go quiet for 3 days or throw stuff or shout "we haven't got any fucking money" etc, so I just used to say "the plumber cost £100"

I now only have £20k left. He thinks we have £30k to £40k of it left. He last asked how much is left of our savings 6 months ago and I said £35k.

Anyway - I lied. It's £20k.

I now want to leave him. I am the breadwinner. All bills, money, everything in my name. Everything from our savings went on nursery bills and fixing stuff in the house/cars.

I am considering waiting until I've saved up another £10-£15k in my savings account so he doesn't know I spent more on childcare and house that I admitted. But is that crazy behaviour? Does it matter if he finds out that everything cost a bit more than I said it did?

Now one of the kids has got free hours, i am saving every month and probably will get the savings back up to £30-£40k over the next year or two. And then I leave him and he takes half?

Any advice? Should I just leave now and when he asks say "ah yes, there is only £20k left actually"

I know I was wrong to lie. He just gets so angry and stressed about things and he doesn't' really ask anymore but when he did I would just say "it's all fine" because I didn't want to upset him.

The fact that you felt you had to lie about costs and how much is left really is proof to an outsider that you were in a dysfunctional marriage and intimidated by your partner.

The fact that you are wondering wether to save the money before leaving is further proof that you are scared of your husbands reaction.

Im divorcing a bully and I’m scared/intimidated by him, so I really understand where you are coming from.

The only problem I can foresee is that he might think you are hiding that £15k from him, so ref divorce you might need to find all the proofs that the money was in fact spent on the house and children.

Best of luck. I know how difficult it is to stand up to someone like this.

You lied for completely understandable reasons. ie, to avoid his unreasonable behaviour. You can prove that the money went on day to day expenses. He can’t prove that you’ve hidden any (or that you lied to him, come to that).

It would be crazy to stay until you’ve saved enough to pay him extra money that he isn’t entitled to.

Sounds like neither of you are perfect or good for each other.

Listening to strangers on the Internet doesn't seem to have made your life exponentially better so I'd suggest making your own decisions, and dealing with whatever consequences.

Why on earth would you do that?
So he can get more money in the divorce?

When it comes to declaring the financials you will be able to account for it all. It's not like he can accuse you of hiding anything.

I had to spend more because you're a cocklodger and I hid it from you because you're an aggressive cocklodger.

Jesus op. Don't save more money that he'll then be entitled to a portion of. If he'd been an adult who kept track of finances and could discuss them sensibly he wouldn't be in this situation. This was money you brought to the marriage anyway. In short fuck him. Think of you and the kids and get rid sooner not later. Then you can start saving for stuff that actually matters.

Divorce lawyers’ fees and this years energy bills will cost a few k as well!

Just leave now. It isn't even his money. Who cares if there is less than he thought. It is yours when you leave to take with you. It is in your account and doesn't need to be split. He doesn't even need to know how much is in there.

I don't think you should see it as lying, I think you should see it as protecting yourself and your family from his abusive behaviour!

Wrong, it all goes in the pot.

This man has very little impulse control and he doesn't have the intelligence to be properly numerate from the sounds of it.
I say do everything you can to keep him calm and sweet and quiet but at the same time get a good solicitor, get everything sewn up and there'll be very little that he can do.
He sounds like a complete and utter liability, he is neither use nor ornament, I would just want him out of my life as soon as possible.

It was inherited before the marriage.

In the nicest possible way.... who gives a fuck.

As so often, the first reply nails it.

This 💯

You're leaving him. Progess that and don't worry about what you said or otherwise re your savings.

Doesn’t matter if it was inherited before the marriage unless the op had a legal contract drawn up and signed.

He will get 10k, so why save up more to give him half, so what if you lied- it’s not a criminal offence

Ultimately if he doesn't believe you. He will get to trawl through your bank statement line by line with his solicitor after you do the form E if he so chooses. It is the financial declaration in order to agree the split. Each party does it. It's a cards on the table type thing. As part of that you have to provide bank statements. I think it's 12 months worth. So it will be evident you haven't transferred 15k out the month before the split. That's it's been spent over a very long period of time. I wouldn't over explain as it
Makes you sound guilty. He's so shit that I'd just say I lost track of what was left. He would!

He sounds so hopeless that I wouldn't be too concerned as he doesn't sound capable of pulling the form e documentation together or will certainly take him months and make a meal of it. So this point in time is probably at least a year away.

Also, remember you declare everything and it's a split of all assets. Cars, pensions, properties, savings etc. and you negotiate. So you can say, for example, I'll go 50/50 on the equity. I will keep what is left of my grandmothers inheritance, and in exchange I don't want any of your pension and you can keep your higher value car. Or a version like that. So you can take it off the table in a roundabout way.

It's time to be a bit selfish. He's used you as his pa and financial assistant for years.

He's not someone whose opinion you need to worry about anymore. If he gets abusive or threatens you, call the police.

I'd be arguing this is a non-marital asset anyway and shouldn't be taken into account when you split the pot.

I'd be leaving as soon as I could and giving him as little as legally possible.

Christ on a bike! Leave now! Don't wait until you've built up savings only to have to split them with him. I'd also be asking for the remaining inheritance to be ringfenced, he's hugely benefited from it already!

Please seek decent legal advice asap. Don't, whatever you do, do what you've written upthread!

And you don't even need to mention it to him until you get to the financial disclosure stage.

It still goes in the pot.

If an inheritance is recent or hasn't been mixed with marital money, the courts will try to preserve it for the party concerned, but they will still dip into it if necessary. In this case they have been married 6 years, so this is not a short marriage, and, as the OP has used the money for the house, a car, childcare, etc., the courts are likely to regard it as a marital asset rather than as her inheritance.

I don't understand why you want to save money just for him to take half anyway. Who cares what he thinks?
It was spent on household expenses and it seems like you felt the need to hide it because he behaves in a controlling way.
If you save more money to hide the truth then you're still being controlled by his behaviour.

Just to add, I agree that OP should leave now rather than try to build up her savings account.

This man is not capable of doing a forensic examination of your finances, he might just about have the smarts to get a good lawyer but I can see him losing his temper at every turn and shooting himself in the foot.
You are the one with the patience and the ability to apply yourself, to go through everything to figure everything out, don't let him benefit from any of your hard work!
That's what he's done all through your marriage, let you do all the hard work while he benefits.

Why does he have any idea of how much you've saved if he has no clue about money? If he has no clue, then he's not been adding up all the sums you've told him in his head or on an Excel sheet, has he?

If he mentions what he thinks your savings are, just say "Why do you keep saying that amount? We've got nothing like as much."

Maybe he'll be so pissed off that he leaves and organises the divorce, saving you the effort.

100% agree with all the PPs about not saving money to give him a greater share of that which he hasn't earned. If it helps to galvanise you; every penny you have now is for you and your kids. You would be saving money to take it from your children and their future in order to hand it over to this deadbeat. If the money was in their savings accounts, would you think he was entitled to a share of it? If not, then by the same logic, keep what you have, split now, and save what you can towards them, not him.

If you want out now, then go! Fuck working hard to pay back what was never his to start with. You e not exactly gone mad in Prada with it! Tell him it's over now, the lies about money can't really do more damage than that now anyway. Good luck OP