I lied about money. Now I want a divorce. Am I being an idiot/unreasonable?

[TinselTinselTinsel]

DH is a difficult/lazy man. Had lots of support on MN in the past. Going to leave him. He won't listen or change.

Before we married (6 years ago), I inherited from an aunt £60k. We then married. The money has always stayed in my name and in my account.

We spent £20k on the new house and a second car.

Over the last few years, we've had various things go wrong with the house plus childcare for 2 x toddlers, plus pandemic etc.

Anyway - he gets very stressed about money. He doesn't do anything to do with money. Mortgage, bills, car, childcare costs - all down to me to sort to pay and know about. He doesn't even know who our mortgage is with.

Over the last couple of years, I've just downplayed how much things are costing. Because if I tell him "Oh the plumber cost £200" - he will go quiet for 3 days or throw stuff or shout "we haven't got any fucking money" etc, so I just used to say "the plumber cost £100"

I now only have £20k left. He thinks we have £30k to £40k of it left. He last asked how much is left of our savings 6 months ago and I said £35k.

Anyway - I lied. It's £20k.

I now want to leave him. I am the breadwinner. All bills, money, everything in my name. Everything from our savings went on nursery bills and fixing stuff in the house/cars.

I am considering waiting until I've saved up another £10-£15k in my savings account so he doesn't know I spent more on childcare and house that I admitted. But is that crazy behaviour? Does it matter if he finds out that everything cost a bit more than I said it did?

Now one of the kids has got free hours, i am saving every month and probably will get the savings back up to £30-£40k over the next year or two. And then I leave him and he takes half?

Any advice? Should I just leave now and when he asks say "ah yes, there is only £20k left actually"

I know I was wrong to lie. He just gets so angry and stressed about things and he doesn't' really ask anymore but when he did I would just say "it's all fine" because I didn't want to upset him.

i couldn't let him give up work to be SAHD because the kids would have suffered and the house would have been a disaster. So I downplayed the costs, kept things going through my salary plus inheritance, and now I'm back in a better position cos of free hours at nursery

You’ve done brilliantly. You are resourceful and you will get through this next bit - the getting him out bit - even though he will rage.

Screw him, OP. How much is in the savings doesn’t matter. Did he ask you over email and it’s written down? If not, perhaps he’s mistaken and when he heard £35K you said £20K…

So many shit comments that don’t add any value either and yet here you are. 🤷‍♀️

It’s not “shit advice” to tell the op to throw out an abusive partner. And no, she doesn’t have to keep communicating directly with him. She can do it through a lawyer and third party. That includes all matters of the house, custody and money.

I think it's important to try and make a clear distinction between what we feel is fair and morally right and what the law says, the two are not always the same.

They are married and he's presumably on the mortgage or tenancy in which case she cannot throw him out.

This is likely to be an unpopular opinion I'm sure. You say your family would have been financially better off with him being a SAHP, but you didn't let him know that fact because you thought you'd lose custody in the event of a divorce.....I think that's a bit of a shitty thing to do. You've lied about your family finances and taken away what may have been a viable alternative life for him, and thus your family. Because in the back of your mind you were already planning to leave. That's doing what's best for you, not your family. Very selfish. Him being a SAHP may have been just what your family needed.

I would say:

“I lied because you’re a twat & I couldn’t be arsed with your tantrums, hence the divorce”.

Well done @TinselTinselTinsel.

He's an abusive lazy prick, you didn't owe him the truth- because he's not a trustworthy person.

You were smart not to tell him the cost of childcare, he would have exploited that information and you'd be in a much worse position.

Best of luck.

’Why is there so much shit advice?‘

What? Did I miss something? 🤔

Did you read what his contribution to childcare actually was? Go back and read OP’s latest post again.

Op, once you divorce him you will have to pay him money to get him off the mortgage etc. So why would you save money to give him money for no reason. The money was yours, not his. So none of his business how much is left. Don't tell him anyway and let the solicitors tell him. Also, you bought him a car with that inheritance...he's had more than his share of your inheritance money

Judgemental much? Did you miss the bit where she said him being a SAHD would have been a disaster?
Ideally she would have left by now but it’s not that easy to see clearly in abusive situations.

That was for @FarmGirl78

No she was very astute and did what she would have been advised on MN. Unlike the multitude of women who make stupid financial decisions and then find themselves shafted.

Jeez, if I were you I'd be spending that remaining 20l sharpish so he doesn't get his filthy hands on any of it. Or it would go missing...OP you are crazy!

"throw him out"
"change the locks"
"it's your money"
"it won't be included as an asset"

All legally wrong and can give the OP the wrong impression.

I understand why you might feel like that but I think it's best to not admit anything, not say anything not give him any information that he can use against you.
Resist the urge to score easy points now, save it all up so that you can get the best divorce settlement for you and the children
Keep him as sweet and quiet as possible and do not engage on any matters which will come up in the divorce, that will give him a heads up and you do not want to do that.
This man is your opponent don't give him any information that might allow him to out manoeuvre you.
From now on he gets the mushroom treatment: keep him in the dark and feed him bs🍄

In the nicest possible way, are you crazy OP? He is lazy and ignorant and if you keep saving now, you will only have to leave him more money for nothing. If anything, I'd rather hide the 20 grand you've got left and say it's all gone due to him being a lazy f*!
Good luck OP and I hope you can get out of this marriage as soon as possible.

Go back and read OP’s 12:19 in full.

‘…because I would lose them in the split and also he thinks looking after kids means looking at his phone and shouting at me while I'm working from home to change nappies. He doesnt' clean, do the laundry, or anything. i couldn't let him give up work to be SAHD because the kids would have suffered and the house would have been a disaster.’

Ah- I've kind of been there. I let my first H have everything as I wanted to leave and was only in my late 20s. I felt guilty ! I thought he would have less to 'be nasty' about. Turns out that very very quickly I was persona non grata , he got a new lady in his life and still thought negatively!! I should have taken every penny due. Older and wiser!!!

*Go back and read OP’s 12:19 update in full.

Let your lawyer tell him whilst you're off somewhere having a glass of wine planning the rest of your life.

This. Not your problem and not a reason to stay in a bad marriage.

In the unlikely event that he hires a lawyer smart enough to figure this out and do the financial digging necessary its theoretically possible it could be used against you. But presumably he will try to get as much money out of you anyway. I don't see that you suddenly be honest with him now about your financial situation will do you any favours.

If he's not man enough to earn enough money on their own, hasn't played enough of a part raising his kids (I'm guessing here on this point but they almost never do), can't find his way around your domestic finances and moans about money all the time then he doesn't deserve money from a divorce anyway.

Erm yes she absolutely can throw him out. You don’t have to put up with abuse just because his name is on the mortgage.

The solicitors will decide who gets what. Just leave him. Don't waste anymore time.

@FarmGirl78

I was actually v open to idea of him being SAHD at the start. He wanted fewer hours, only a few days a week and no responsibility at work and he said would allow him to do more at home. But he literally won't change a nappy. He says "they want you" the whole time. Gets in a huff if one of them cries. Today he came in to tell me "the loo is disgusting when you get a chance?" As I'm leaving for work and he's got the day at home!

I didn't deprive him of a new lifestyle. He showed himself to be incapable and uninterested in being a SAHD. The only bit he wanted was the stay at home bit!