I lied about money. Now I want a divorce. Am I being an idiot/unreasonable?

[TinselTinselTinsel]

DH is a difficult/lazy man. Had lots of support on MN in the past. Going to leave him. He won't listen or change.

Before we married (6 years ago), I inherited from an aunt £60k. We then married. The money has always stayed in my name and in my account.

We spent £20k on the new house and a second car.

Over the last few years, we've had various things go wrong with the house plus childcare for 2 x toddlers, plus pandemic etc.

Anyway - he gets very stressed about money. He doesn't do anything to do with money. Mortgage, bills, car, childcare costs - all down to me to sort to pay and know about. He doesn't even know who our mortgage is with.

Over the last couple of years, I've just downplayed how much things are costing. Because if I tell him "Oh the plumber cost £200" - he will go quiet for 3 days or throw stuff or shout "we haven't got any fucking money" etc, so I just used to say "the plumber cost £100"

I now only have £20k left. He thinks we have £30k to £40k of it left. He last asked how much is left of our savings 6 months ago and I said £35k.

Anyway - I lied. It's £20k.

I now want to leave him. I am the breadwinner. All bills, money, everything in my name. Everything from our savings went on nursery bills and fixing stuff in the house/cars.

I am considering waiting until I've saved up another £10-£15k in my savings account so he doesn't know I spent more on childcare and house that I admitted. But is that crazy behaviour? Does it matter if he finds out that everything cost a bit more than I said it did?

Now one of the kids has got free hours, i am saving every month and probably will get the savings back up to £30-£40k over the next year or two. And then I leave him and he takes half?

Any advice? Should I just leave now and when he asks say "ah yes, there is only £20k left actually"

I know I was wrong to lie. He just gets so angry and stressed about things and he doesn't' really ask anymore but when he did I would just say "it's all fine" because I didn't want to upset him.

Op again, as everyone has said you don't need to tell him about the 20K. Just start the separation process immediately.

If you’re the breadwinner is he the primary cater for your toddlers? If so I’d be more focussed on avoiding the risk that he’ll have the children with him for the majority of the time with you separated from them and working to pay maintenance. I assume from how you describe him that this is not an outcome you’d want for them.

I can totally understand your fear and the desire to placate him. PP are right, he's trained you into this. You can train yourself back out!

Explain the situation to your solicitor and that you will be verbally abused over this and that you want as little as possible direct communication with him about it.

Have you got a therapist or support from Women's Aid or someone else to help provide emotional support and build your confidence?

How soon can you move out? If you aren't living with him it might be easier to stick to a "To keep things straight going forward, please route all communications about money through our solicitors" script.

I mean, tell your solicitor that you told him 20k, what it was spent on, and the reason why you lied, just so they're completely in the picture and can respond accordingly to his if needs be - but that's it. if he tries to question/yell/accuse you then just say "speak to my solicitor".

Bloody hell, he's been on a cushy number; you being the main breadwinner AND dealing with all of the life/financial admin and household stuff whilst he gets to pick and choose what job he wants irrespective of whether it is bringing in any money and not even having to look after his kids!

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune Squandered and frittered? Did you read the post?

And try not to worry about the "I was wrong to lie" aspect. Of course it's wrong to lie. But sometimes in a shitty situation all your choices are shitty. If your partner is abusive, controlling, and shitty then you make the best choice you can under crappy circumstances. In this case you did the best you could for you and your children. You don't need to feel guilt over that.

This is the absolute crux of it, if you are leaving him don't work your arse off to give him more money in the settlement. If he kicks off you can state that the financial aspect of the relationship and his attitude to essential spending is one of the reasons you are leaving him.

See OP's post at 12:19.

Let his divorce lawyer tell him what is or isn’t left of the money.

To be very clear:
a) you are in an abusive relationship.
b) The inheritance was yours and is not half his. It's an asset that existed before you were married.
You need legal advice (and to separate your lives) asap. Good luck.

Do not do this. So what that you lied? You’ve also shouldered nearly all of the burden.

Do not save up more. You have to split your savings with him as part of the marital pot. No point giving away more money than you have to.

I would lodge that money in my solicitor's client account for legal fees. If he's an arse, you could well need it. As it is, he may well get 50% of it. This way you don't need to worry about fees and he can always have 50% of the remainder. Might encourage him to be more amicable.

Why would you want to give him more @TinselTinselTinsel ? Definitely don't build up your savings in any traceable way until you've got a divorce.

You felt you had to lie because he'dve made your life awful otherwise. That's on him.

You've already paid more than your fair share towards everything.

I think it'd (for me anyway) be quite cathartic to come clean - not that you have anything to come clean about but if you feel you've been deceptive then this is a good opportunity to clean your slate, tell him why you 'lied'. He's going to have a lot of sock pulling up to do without you as financial manager

Your big problem in the divorce isn’t this money. It’s the fact he is abusive and is v likely to claim he is the primary cater for the twins, to get residence. He’ll want this so as to claim maintenance from you.

You need to lawyer yourself up as much as you possibly can - spend the remaining inheritance money on it if that’s what’s needed. You cannot let him get primary residence of your children as he will not care for them properly.

Yes, that sounds crazy. The inheritance was given to YOU.

All finances are in your name and he does not manage any of it. He needs to learn how to be an adult. Does he financially contribute to anything?
Does he work?

No, do not save up any money to give to him in a divorce. He seems to want to control you and YOUR money. End the relationship ASAP.

After reading your 12:19 update - he’s an obnoxious lazy arse who won’t clean and refuses to pay or manage any bills. He shouts to change a nappy when you’re WFH. Get a divorce Solicitor ASAP.
All the best.

He has profited from you inheritance & salary, he can go & get a grown ip job now & pay his own bills.
He got a car out if it
Kick his lazy arse out asap

Why is there so much shit advice?

This!
Tread very carefully. If you delay splitting do it because you are getting his ass back into work. Don’t let him work any less or he’ll be able to claim to be the primary carer and go for custody and CM. Document or keep proof of everything that supports that it’s you looking after the kids.

To be very clear, you are wrong about the inheritance.

It’s not joint savings, it’s your inheritance. I wouldn’t be telling him anything and I definitely would not be giving him any more of it. I’d say he owes you in fact for the car at least.

Leave now and sod him.

I agree with this, he doesn't have the ability to strategically out manoeuvre you but he will be determined to come out the winner nevertheles.
I think that his determination to come out on top, to not be beaten by a woman will mean that by default he resorts to the only weapon that he is able to wield, and that will be using the children to punish and get at you.

you would be mad to stay and save!! he gets half!! during teh divorce give him the 10k and THEN save again once you are divorced

so you save 30k... you have to give him 15!

but you give him 10 now you can save 15 once divorced and it is your money only!

I was going to say, you don’t get to keep what you have just because you had it before you married, that’s not how it works.

Definitely didn't read! Very common on MN. Their fingers are always quick to type with 0 comprehension skills.