In thinking that ex-army men often have problems

[ExArmywifee]

NC for this as expecting to be flamed. Just out of a relationship with an ex-army man so my judgement may be clouded but AIBU to think they all have issues of some kind? And if I'm right why doesn't the army or forces help them adjust? Or maybe they do & some men just have issues anyway & use the army as an excuse? I think if they go in at a young age & it's all they've ever known it must be incredibly hard to not have that any more. But is it ever possible to adjust & have a normal civilian life afterwards, especially if they have seen active service? Water under the bridge for this relationship but still playing on my mind

@Notaligned I don’t think they are? I think some are. Depending on regiment and deployment. There are many great careers within the army. However, any soldier who picks up a weapon knows that ultimately that would be pointed at another human being.

Its not my opinion, or some misguided thoughts. It’s nights sitting awake all night because my partner is having nightmares, or flashbacks. Or having to get emergency MH help because I’m completely out of my depth. And he talks about what he has been through. It’s not pleasant

Just as it takes a special and particular person to sign up for a career (with excellent prospects for advancement, education and self discovery) and the risk of being killed or injured, it takes a special person to be the partner of said person.

Just as some/ many are not up to the former role, some/ many are not up to the role of the latter, or it’s not for them. No shame.

@WendelineTestaburger ·
I'm anti war in so much as I don't want there to be war, but not having an army to defend ourselves wouldn't be very sensible.

My thoughts exactly and I too am anti war!!!!!

They've had experiences that most of us can't really imagine. Based on our family experience it can have a significant impact on life post-army in a positive or negative way. My DF was the youngest in his family, with two much older brothers. 2nd oldest brother served in WW2, and never saw combat first hand, but it left a huge impact on him having lost friends, some named here:
barryniblock.co.uk/world-war-two-war-dead/#Newtownards

My Dad served in Kenya. It's something he always felt conflicted about afterwards. Unlike WW2, he was not sure what he was doing there, or why, or if it ever really made a difference.

In those days there was little or no formal support. However, people did maintain lifetime contacts afterwards. I really don't know the situation today.

Not being either. Just don't know any military or ex military women so have no experience

I see there's another ex-Forces thug bragging about how many people he killed. And watched videos of the "kills" afterwards. Perfectly normal behaviour.

If you asked my husband he would tell you about the hospital he helped set up, the flood relief including being on a helicopter spotting stranded people, helping to organise the mobile testing programme during Covid, the time they gave CPR at a service station...

Never met any who bragged about killing!

And lots of anger about the government mishandling things and undoing al their hardcwork.

I've found - through my sister who worked for the MOD and dated a few soldiers & ex soldiers (was married to one for a decade) - that some of them are just mal adjusted individuals but blame being/having been the army for it.
It's not the army though, it's them.

in saying that, there had probably always been an element of toxic masculinity in the armed forces.

He's an alcoholic and a nasty one.

I don't think it's about him being special or op not being special enough to partner him.

Op, a relationship experience with an alcoholic and, by vile, I'm guessing he isn't a terribly kind or decent person can be traumatic.

You may benefit from counselling if you can access or afford it.

Him having been in the armed forces may or may not be a factor in his issues but ateotd there are lots of people who've been in who aren't vile alcoholics so ... It's more about him I'd imagine.

At least you got out and know to stay out.
You're not on here being implored to leave and not doing so.

Ah, the old "mad,sad or bad" trope.
They are not over represented in prisons. Percentage of veterans in prison in the UK is about 5%. Which means 95% are civilians.

And yes,I work in the Defence sector so I know more Veterans and serving personnel than many posting on here.

Veterans are actually 30% less likely to be in prison than non veterans and in the US veterans are also less likely to be in prison than non veterans.

Veterans are also less likely to be in prison than non veterans for violence against people and drugs.

so if you are trying to avoid violent or substance abusing men it's actually civilians that are more likely to be the problem.

Would love to know the trade....

You are a soldier first, trade is 2nd. No one is exempt weapon training and if they see active service their weapon most def goes with them.

''@Summerhillsquare · Yesterday 20:21
Well, what sort of a person signs up to wield weapons? One you want to avoid, clearly.''

The type of person who protects your backside and keeps you living in a free country...

Anyway back to you OP: my father was an army officer and he indeed was extremely damaged emotionally by the things he had seen and he was a very difficult and angry person when I was growing up. He also struggled to integrate back into civilian life.

There was very little support at the time and he was also injured which affected his health for the rest of his life. This was quite a few decades ago and I think the army has improved in term of the support it offers, but I do think it can indeed damage individuals and make it much harder for them to have stable family lives. They are also trained to dehumanised others and to thrive on a regimented routine so it then makes it hard for some to adjust to live regular lives.

I don't get the hostility towards those of a pacifist view on this thread. I have never heard anybody on this forum give a sensible justification as to why you would take a job that involves shooting at people for money. Or planting anti-personnel devices-not wanting to make this a Royal thread, but if my mother had devoted a lot of her time towards campaigning against land mines, as they were called back then, why join the army in a combat role?!

Sorry, but for me this would be a deal breaker.

@Alicetheowl anti-personnel devices are banned under the Ottawa Convention, have been since 1997. We don’t use them, or cluster munitions.

What do you mean a deal
breaker? For who? The British forces don’t just shoot people for money.

I come from a very military heavy family. My DP served before we met. Absolutely no mental health issues. My DF served, absolutely no MH issues. My 2 FIL's served no MH issues. 2 brother in laws who have seen combat have issues. My brother saw horrendous combat and had awful PTSD, we nearly lost him but thankfully he has pulled through and is happier with a wonderful new wife. All 3 who have issues are all still serving. It can have a huge impact on men and women but so can 'life'. I am proud of the family members who have who protected my country. I also think Harry is amazing. His work with the Invictus Games has been life changing to many.

I have PTSD from a non combat related incident, could have happened in civvie Street. I have struggled to transition as I'd spent 25yrs of my life with people who all had one thing in common. My uniform was my mask and now I don't have it, the direct support of the medical chain and the loss of that "family" its like a grieving process.

Most transition successfully, some don't, its like changing careers late in life.... And we now have to think for ourselves 😉 problem is, MH is still relatively new in the military, and men especially are proud and stubborn. The mask falls when they leave and they don't realise how much their career has affected them and then they have to start their recovery journey alone. It's little wonder our suicide rates are so high.

My DH transitioned very easily and after 7yrs out has joined the reserves as he misses that side of life. The banter, the support etc.

YABVU in generalising so much!

Of course, some soldiers and veterans are affected by the things they've been involved in. But not all, and others to varying degrees. Lumping them all together is silly. Many, many young soldiers now haven't even done an operational tour. There are so many roles in the forces, each requiring different skills. And every single person will have different experiences prior to joining up, while serving and post-career. You can't possibly say they are all damaged.

My husband had a long career in the forces so you probably would imagine he walks around with a black cloud over his head, ready to snap. You'd be wrong. He's adjusted well to civvy life. I couldn't ask for a better man.

I do believe, though, that more could be done as part of the resettlement process. Sadly, SOME have trouble adjusting when they leave or retire from the forces.

Obviously they don’t just shoot people for money, but they do shoot people for money. Young poor men, dying for Rich old men’s greed.

Some do, when necessary. Many don’t.
Not all young, not all men.

All despicable, though, in this day and age, utterly unnecessary.

That's politicians and governments faults, not soldiers

I’ve known a lot, from more than one generation - mainly through work, but also some family members.

Interesting to read PPs naming issues that I’ve observed too but don’t name irl, not the obvious issues from active combat, just a certain way of viewing life and attitudes towards ‘civvies’