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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking that ex-army men often have problems

227 replies

ExArmywifee · 05/01/2023 20:15

NC for this as expecting to be flamed. Just out of a relationship with an ex-army man so my judgement may be clouded but AIBU to think they all have issues of some kind? And if I'm right why doesn't the army or forces help them adjust? Or maybe they do & some men just have issues anyway & use the army as an excuse? I think if they go in at a young age & it's all they've ever known it must be incredibly hard to not have that any more. But is it ever possible to adjust & have a normal civilian life afterwards, especially if they have seen active service? Water under the bridge for this relationship but still playing on my mind

OP posts:
lljkk · 05/01/2023 20:31

Maybe ppl with MH problems tend to join the army.

I had lunch with my lovely uncle (now about age 71) a few weeks ago; he seems like the sanest guy I ever met. And his kids are wonderful adults, too.

PuttingDownRoots · 05/01/2023 20:31

I've been married to an army man for 12.5years. (And with him for 17 years). Was in the TA myself.

Every now and then, despite how well I know him, and his colleagues, you see a glimpse of the life they keep hidden, their little ways of coping.

I dont think anyone on the outside can ever fully understand them. Its too different.

Mentalpiece · 05/01/2023 20:31

Not always no. Me, my husband and most of our friends are a mix of former and current serving including theatres. Not many have issues.
There isn't much aftercare for the forces, you hand your chit in, giving 12 months notice to leave, unless you're being kicked out, and apart from a dining out, depending on your rank then your on your own.
Most who do the 12 months chit use that time to get sorted for civvy street, so don't encounter many problems, apart from trying to be pc around civilians.

Armychefbethebest · 05/01/2023 20:32

You certainly sound it make yourself more aware and then come back.

watchfulwishes · 05/01/2023 20:32

Statistically ex-service personnel are more likely to have issues with mental health, alcoholism, drug dependency, crime, homelessness than the national average.

The fact they are so unsupported on leaving is awful. If it is patriotic to fight for your country, it should be patriotic for the government to fund support for those coming out of the forces.

MrsTopaz · 05/01/2023 20:34

There is mental health support for veterans…the nhs part is called Op Courage.

Samsonsmum · 05/01/2023 20:34

Yes. If they learned to drive in the army they are bloody awful drivers. I live in Aldershot so have experience of them. You would think their grandmothers taught them

pizzaHeart · 05/01/2023 20:35

I clicked on this thread with absolute certainty that it’s another one about prince Harry and his mental issues.
so the answer to your question OP: yes, as it seems.

Original poster
ExArmywifee · 05/01/2023 20:36

Armychefbethebest · 05/01/2023 20:32

You certainly sound it make yourself more aware and then come back.

No plans to do this after my recent experience. Lucky escape but has clearly taken it's toll on my own mental health. Decided to post on here to help myself work through things,not to be insulted thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
ExArmywifee · 05/01/2023 20:37

& this thread has absolutely nothing to do with any Royals who may also happen to be ex military

OP posts:
Letitrainletitrainletitrain · 05/01/2023 20:38

The military are shit at looking after people when they leave. There should be far better mental health support whilst they are in the military and for a period of time after they leave and they should have more help adjusting to life outside the military.

I used to work with an organisation that helped place ex military personnel. This was any years ago so I don't know if its still the same but at the time they said the people who adjusted better to non military life were those who had learnt a trade that was useful in civilian life too. Like if they were an electrical or an engineer etc.

The video below is about American military but I think the UK is not much better if at all

GyozaGuiting · 05/01/2023 20:39

I was in the armed forces, so was my DH, between us we have dozens of ex military friends, all normal functioning members of society, all pretty nice!
I just think you’ve picked poorly, there are good and bad in any walk of life.

Pumperthepumper · 05/01/2023 20:39

PuttingDownRoots · 05/01/2023 20:31

I've been married to an army man for 12.5years. (And with him for 17 years). Was in the TA myself.

Every now and then, despite how well I know him, and his colleagues, you see a glimpse of the life they keep hidden, their little ways of coping.

I dont think anyone on the outside can ever fully understand them. Its too different.

I agree with this. I think the forces as a career choice is against human nature.

DomesticShortHair · 05/01/2023 20:40

Summerhillsquare · 05/01/2023 20:21

Well, what sort of a person signs up to wield weapons? One you want to avoid, clearly.

I did. What other insulting judgements do you want to make about me personally?

Maybe do a list in alphabetical order, so I don’t lose track.

gogohmm · 05/01/2023 20:40

@Summerhillsquare

Do you know anyone in the military? Some don't even handle weapons! (Have dc in forces, no guns involved, they did a one day course but the most dangerous weapon they carry is a screw driver!

I also think there's a big difference in outcomes from marines or paratroopers vs logistics corps!

Redebs · 05/01/2023 20:42

Combination of lack of support adjusting to civilian life, trauma experienced in service due to combat, bullying, etc and mental health problems/personality disorders that led them to join in the first place.

BobLemon · 05/01/2023 20:43

Wrong’uns. The lot of em.

IDontCareMatthew · 05/01/2023 20:45

Why just 'Army'?

What about navy,raf,police

Masterion · 05/01/2023 20:45

I know quite a few. They don't seem any more messed up than the general male population.

MissCherryCakeyBun · 05/01/2023 20:45

By Ex-Army man I assume you mean a Veteran.... when you start dating someone you learn about them as a person, and slowly you decide if you want to spend a lot more time with them and maybe live with them. Over this period of time ( in my case 3 years before we moved in together ) you learn about your partner, I discovered my now, DH had combat related PTSD. I thought long and hard if this was something I could live with for the rest of my life and decided it was.
Maybe you jumped to living together too quickly? I assume you knew him and his habits well before you decided to have a serious relationship? If so why did you discount what you seem to see as major character flaws?
Not all Veterans are the same.... in the same way not all former Firefighters or Police Officers are the same. Yes the Armed Forces do encouraged certain way of thinking but to see all of this as a problem is a not fair on them as individuals.
What precisely was the problem?

Summerhillsquare · 05/01/2023 20:45

Jumping to conclusions and hyper defensive too @DomesticShortHair, what an excellent combination, no risks at all there.

Angeldelight81 · 05/01/2023 20:46

I have never met one who isn’t completely fucked up. Of all ages, sometimes they’ve served a minimal amount of time.

Brefugee · 05/01/2023 20:47

well this thread is depressing. They must really love putting their lives on the line for the idiots posting here.

Sure, some ex-military people have problems. The bigger problem is the complete and utter lack of support for them.

Probablymagrat · 05/01/2023 20:48

I don't know if its still the case, but it used to be that young people who had been in the care system often chose the forces for a career. So if this is still true maybe a good proportion of them are troubled souls before they join up?

RAFOfficer · 05/01/2023 20:48

There are approximately 150.000 people currently Serving members of the Armed Forces. Sure a few personality disorders or mental health issues may have slipped through the net during the selection process occasionally but not that many! Certainly on our side the medicals etc are very detailed.

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