In thinking that ex-army men often have problems

[ExArmywifee]

NC for this as expecting to be flamed. Just out of a relationship with an ex-army man so my judgement may be clouded but AIBU to think they all have issues of some kind? And if I'm right why doesn't the army or forces help them adjust? Or maybe they do & some men just have issues anyway & use the army as an excuse? I think if they go in at a young age & it's all they've ever known it must be incredibly hard to not have that any more. But is it ever possible to adjust & have a normal civilian life afterwards, especially if they have seen active service? Water under the bridge for this relationship but still playing on my mind

What a cuntish fucking stupid post.

No need to apologise OP. The military, or certainly parts of it, are specifically trained to be violent, aggressive thugs, so it stands to reason that many will carry those traits into "civvy street". It's not an outrageous theory!

I expected the subject to be controversial that's all. I'm an outsider, I don't get the terminology right. Clearly I know nothing about that world.

I do understand what you are saying and yes not all are like that before I also get verbally attacked but a person who I was engaged to turned out to be the biggest emotional abuser/narcissist and very bitter and had a hatred deep inside him for everything from homosexuals to people of a different race and to women it turns out but kept that all hidden during the 'lovebombing' phase. He was very emotionally twisted and took pleasure out of hurting others and seeing others in pain but he was also a bully in the forces which I did not know about and no he did not see any bad things as peace keeping only. It floored me totally and in public tries to be the person who will help everyone so people do not see the real person who is a total sociopath. But it broke my trust in people as cannot believe someone could be so cruel, two faced and twisted to take pleasure out of hurting someone so much. Hope you are ok.

Every single army or ex army men I meet has serious issues . Furthermore I deal with divorces daily and army men and ex army men relationships have a much higher incidence of domestic violence

@ExArmywifee what would make the responses on this thread feel helpful for you?

At the moment you’re going to get posts on a sliding scale from “everyone who joins the military is a psycho” to “we’re not all like that”, but what do you actually need right now?

I just need to understand but I don't think I ever will. A lot of his behaviour was unacceptable to me but had been normalised in that environment. I don't really understand the ranks but he was fairly high up. It was always his way or no way. Like I was a junior & my thoughts or feelings didn't matter. I have no idea if this was just him as a person or if his years of service made him behave that way. None of you can answer that. I suppose i was just looking for experiences. I also feel bad that when people leave they don't seem to get much help with the transition to civilian life. It wouldn't have helped me but it makes me sad that people give years of their lives & then get tossed on the scrapheap some with mental problems & no help is offered. But once again I'm probably wrong about that too

I have no experience here but my friend has a brother, father and ex-husband who are all ex-forces.

She is adamant that in the army they way they coach/train you to see yourself and the opinion you have of yourself (part of something great, brave, physically fit, on the right side etc) is partially responsible for the way some struggle to adapt when they leave. She says you're built up to be a lost arrogant then they leave the army expecting people to be clamouring to offer them a job and find not only is it not the case but they're given no support to adapt to life outside the army so it's almost like setting someone up to fail.

@ExArmywifee you're right, none of us can tell you if that’s the job or him I’m afraid.

There is actually a reasonable resettlement process (more useful for some than others, as the generic stuff is naturally aimed at the lowest common denominator, but you also get a grant to spend on qualifications if you’ve done a certain amount of time in, and some of that funding is available up to 5 years after you leave) and there’s much better mental health support than there used to be, but it could always be better. There are also a small number of people who will blame the military for all their difficulties after leaving without actually taking any responsibility for their own decisions - your ex could well be one of those. I hope your life is much happier without him.

Are you actually an ex wife? How long were you with him? What living arrangement did you have?

@RAFOfficer thank you. Your measured posts have helped. I'm sure it will be in time.

My Great Grandfather, Grandfather's, Dad and most of my childhood friends served. My ex is retired army.

My Grandparents and Dad were in a corp (Granddad and Dad REME). One Granddad made spitfires and was Navy (in fact both his brothers were too).

Friends were a mix of corps and infantry, also a mix of Officer and Other Rank.

My ex was infantry, was 'other rank'.

My Dad (I'll ignore older than him) was treated incredibly well by the army until he left and they forgot to ask him to re-sign until age 55 until the day after he left. 🙄 He saw the Falklands, N.Ireland, and the first Gulf War. He loved it so much he went back to work for the MOD to instruct and continued to do so until he retired. No mental health problems, no drugs, no drink, no tattoos, no violence. Long and happy marriage. In fact most of his friends who served with him did/do have long & happy marriages.

My generation. Lots of conflict, most on the front line (bomb disposal - eod), infantry, etc. When my ex deployed to Bosnia he saw things that I will not repeat here because its not an image I'd ever want to give anyone. Iraq, Afghanistan, Sierra Leone all bloody awful. Of course more wars reported on the TV and on SM. Most of my friends have been divorced. A lot of that due to shagging around over violence.

Mental health is now taken more seriously, but not seriously enough which is why there are so many forces charities like combat stress.

When leaving you may get courses but you get very little help. So for a career soldier who has no profession apart from how to shoot a gun and tab 30 miles in x time it's awful and probably why we have a problem with veterans homelessness, suicides, mental health problems, etc.

They have changed the contracts they give serving personnel now, their pensions, etc. The government have given them additional insecurity which doesn't help.

Not sure this answers your question. I think I've been fortunate everyone I know who has served has gone on to a better life afterwards, with the exception of my best friend who Tony Blair sent to his death.

You sound like you have a chip on your shoulder. Many posters have backed up exactly what OP is saying. There's clearly truth in it. Combat messes people up. Why is that so hard to see/accept?

That’s a hell of a statement to make. Saying everyone you’ve ever met who served in the forces is fucked up? How many have you met ?

I don’t believe that’s a fact across the board. The forces recruit from the general population. People join the military for different reasons, including high unemployment areas.
Police officers and prison officers for example see the bad side of human nature and I’ve met a few who’ve left the job with PTSD.
The UK military isn’t at war and hasn’t been for some years. Lots of new service personnel haven’t seen action anyway.

I am cynical about the marketing for the armed forces in TV which makes the role seem like being in a movie. The army used to target boys leaving school with poor GCSEs straight after school and I think a number do not appreciate fully what they are getting into. The army is a closed shop and veterans have had experience s which are hard to contemplate.

I think you'd be naive to think that seeing people blown up, or shot, etc does not have an impact on a person's mental health. Of course it does, but not all soldiers are the same. Like not all civvies are the same.

I would add that I suspect police officers, any form of medical professional, fire fighters, samaritans have/will all experience something that will also traumatise them.

My EXH, an aggressive alcoholic, had issues before joining the Army. He had been in and out of care and the services were a more attractive proposition than his abusive home.

Mostly people running away from
their current situation, who find the offer of free accommodation and a welcoming community attractive, and who can’t afford to travel the world doing adventure sports any other way. I’ve known some men join because they accidentally got their teenage girlfriend pregnant and need a free family house and steady income asap.

OP a lot of men join the army because they have issues, the army helps them suppress those issues for a while, then they leave and fall apart. Mostly I don’t think the army gives them the issues unless they were very unlucky. It does encourage alcohol abuse though which obviously leads to a whole world of problems.

I grew up on a military base and have worked with people in the military and ex-military and they are no worse than all the non military men I’ve dated.

I don't think OP is trying to demonise anyone. IME from army people, they have all had issues. Just my experience, but all totally different people, different age groups, different backgrounds, different geographical areas. I imagine it would be hard for anyone to come out of such a regimented environment into 'normal' life without a few bumps in the road. Surely that has to be expected?

I experienced horrendous abuse of every kind from an army man. No emotion, empathy or remorse on his behalf. Absolute psychopath.

I, for one, have a lot of respect for those who put their lives on the line to protect the freedom of other.

How does the saying go....People sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf.

Obv it should be 'rough people' not men but the quote is very old.

OP a lot of men join the army because they have issues, the army helps them suppress those issues for a while, then they leave and fall apart. Mostly I don’t think the army gives them the issues unless they were very unlucky.

Not what the many FB videos from veterans charities say. I've watched loads of videos of men talking about losing their friends etc. Last one I watched was a female medic with PTSD talking about treating an injured guy whose primary concern wasn't for himself but for his friend who was also injured. Said friend was actually dead and his body was behind the next curtain but she couldn't tell him that for fear of how it would affect him. She ended up on the streets for years.

Maybe it's like in many other aspects of life your socio economic background and level of education has a massive effect on your life chances.

Listen to Marx. He wasn't wrong when he identified so many problems as being a result of the class struggle.

The military, or certainly parts of it, are specifically trained to be violent, aggressive thugs,

Fuck off. Just get in the fucking sea.

I have a strong suspicion that most people with Army history (serving or ex) have never seen conflict.
So blaming "loss of colleagues" for "mental health is bad in all ex-Army men" makes no sense.
DS has been in Army > 5 years: has never seen conflict. He was a grunt tankie (squaddie) & is now a middle-level manager, basically.
Plenty of people DS started with have left already: served only a few yrs & never saw conflict.

I have been very impressed with the financial planning the Army offers to enlisted soldiers: DS worked out a plan how to buy a property by the time he was 19, is now watching market while prices fall.

Friend's son joined Army ~2 years ago as 'enlisted'. He played an instrument/marched at P-Philip's funeral, did a guarding stint at Buckingham Palace, several other interesting rewarding roles. No mental-anguish moments.