In thinking that ex-army men often have problems

[ExArmywifee]

NC for this as expecting to be flamed. Just out of a relationship with an ex-army man so my judgement may be clouded but AIBU to think they all have issues of some kind? And if I'm right why doesn't the army or forces help them adjust? Or maybe they do & some men just have issues anyway & use the army as an excuse? I think if they go in at a young age & it's all they've ever known it must be incredibly hard to not have that any more. But is it ever possible to adjust & have a normal civilian life afterwards, especially if they have seen active service? Water under the bridge for this relationship but still playing on my mind

Then maybe write in in the context you are aiming for because I also feel insulted by the way your post read . I'm sorry you met a wrong un but they come from all walks of life not just the military . I hope your mental health gets back to where you want it to be

No jumping to conclusions. Your first post was very clear and unambiguous. The second topped it for smug moral superiority though.

At least you’ve made a start on that list though, eh?

NC’d.

DH served for 18 years - he adjusted fine to civilian life and hasn’t got any issues.

in answer to the question about what sort of person signs up in the first place/them being the sort to avoid…

DH didn’t get good grades at school - not high enough for his chosen trade in Civvi St - but he wanted to pursue it regardless. His plan was to do a few years in that chosen trade to get experience, then leave and work outside the military but he got seriously ill which ruled that out.

His trade was primarily protecting people…

Oh you know...

Help administer covid vaccines

Staff borders when the immigration staff went on strike

Drove ambulances when the paramedics were on strike

Fought fires when the firemen were on strike

Aiding in disaster relief at home and abroad

Search and rescue for those at sea or up mountains

You know, trivial unimportant stuff.

There is a very tiny amount of support, nowhere near enough.

I have never met one who isn’t completely fucked up. Of all ages, sometimes they’ve served a minimal amount of time.

i know literally hundreds of ex- and serving Army bods. Men and women. One or two are seriously fucked up. I also know lots of fucked up civvies.

Take your sweeping generalisations and stick them where the sun doesn't shine

I think they prey on vulnerable, lost young men, put them very challenging situations and offer them very little support.

YABU to say ALL army guys have 'issues' but it's accurate to say some have huge problems adjusting to civilian life. The forces have various schemes to help with the transition but I think they focus on vocational and practical skills, and it's not psychology led. ....and maybe the forces, particularly at NCO level attracts people who've struggled to find their way elsewhere.
A huge portion of homeless are ex army but the problems hit a few years down the line - addictions, broken relationships, criminal record etc
There are eone good employers who recognise the unique skills service personnel have. That's a start.

A lot of the vocational and practical course skills were shut down over the pandemic, so leavers during that time didn’t even get them.

Whenever there are problems in the UK there are loads of posts on MN along the lines of 'why don't they get the military in'

Power cuts, floods, pandemics, police shortages, riots, fires

Until its quiet and peaceful and then it's 'oh they are all poorly adjusted people who should be avoided' 🙄

I've worked with a lot of ex military, mostly men. Some, a few, have been messed up, the vast majority have been great to work alongside with a better work ethic than a lot of people.

I abhor war and violence and the need for a military. But I blame politicians and world leaders for that. I respect those who join the military for being willing to do a job that shouldnt need doing and that most people wouldn't do.

I know a few ex forces people who were at a pretty high level, ex officers, pilots etc. They obviously had a good level of education before they went in and seem relatively unscathed. In my work I gave come across some very damaged young men who joined the army with very few qualifications and their outcomes haven't been great. Maybe it's like in many other aspects of life your socio economic background and level of education has a massive effect on your life chances.

My mum blamed 30 years in the navy for her vile husband’s alcoholism. But possibly he would have been a vile alcoholic in any sphere of life - who knows? I grew up in a navy town & avoided them like the plague.

From my own experience... DH has "issues" and it would be easy to blame his time in the Army, but he also had a difficult upbringing in poverty. Two of his siblings have similar issues (they're not ex services). He is diagnosed with PTSD and I suspect he currently has anxiety disorder but I fully believe he had or was predisposed prior to his Service. In fact, I think the Army life played entirely into his masking abilities, allowing him to function at a high level while living in a very cossetted lifestyle (no bills, no responsibilities outside of work, fed, clothed etc etc).

However, the Army failed him. He demobbed with significant health problem which was not investigated, they waved him off with a "oh that's nothing to worry about" then promptly "lost" his medical file. His physical health is very poor as a result of this. When pushed the Army default position was to grant a medical pension, but no practical support. Thankfully some service charities have been brilliant.

I served. The vast majority of my colleagues are people who, in general, reflect the population with all the variety of personality and type you would find anywhere.

Apologies if I got the terminology wrong

So on the strength of having a relationship with an ex squaddie with issues you decide that they must all be screwed up?
That's a very sweeping statement and quite offensive imo.
I have 2 close relatives who both served for 15 years, saw active service on several occasions.Sis resettlement courses and are now happily settled in civvie St.
There are certainly service people who have terrible struggles but "some" is not the same as "all"

That’s true. But there were a lot of things which went online, and learning credits can be used up to 5 years after you leave which is helpful for training etc.

It’s always hardest to adjust for the people who join straight from school and the home they lived in then, and leave never having lived anywhere other than Service housing or having had to write a CV, apply for jobs etc. We can try teaching people life skills in that 6 month resettlement period but it is never going to match up to a lifetime of having to sort out your own food & accommodation, pay your own bills etc. As PP have said, it also varies by trade and transferable skill level. It’s a lot better than it was 10-20 years ago, I remember not being able to wear uniform in public, and employers actively refusing to give jobs to ex-military personnel.

What I find is a huge number also seem to have particularly nasty, racist and far right political leanings. Peruse any social media forum and the amount of "ex-Forces" types posting that crap is staggering.

Sorry if I offended. That was not my intention.

Seems like you've offended a lot of people op. Mean spirited thread

I don’t think OP was being mean, she’s just had a bad experience with one particular person that she’s trying to make sense of, and has wondered if it’s particularly due to his job history.

It could possibly be a factor, but I think it’s equally likely that he would have been a dick in any job…

Maybe, but the vote agrees with me. Why is it mean spirited to look for answers? Maybe I phrased things wrongly but hey, I'm guessing you're perfect

Seems like a much higher prevalence of issues than a non forces population IME. And lots of complicating factors which make getting help more difficult. .

He was a vile alcoholic but it was very well hidden to start with & later excused as 'the army way'. I don't even know why I started this thread now. I thought it might help but it hasn't.

Even people with ‘mental issues’ speak the truth. Often, ‘mental issues’ are caused by other peoples behaviours and actions. Traumatic and extremely stressful events also.

I mean given you started this thread by stating you expected to be flamed, you must have known you were going about it in a controversial way

if you want support in getting over a relationship, or understanding why he might have had issues then possibly you need to go about it a different way