The gentle parenting philosophy makes me feel guiltily for having any feelings other than love

michellet86 · 2023-01-05T17:09:29+00:00

Why is it not ok to show my anger? i mean appropriately and safely, not violent or aggressively. How is it ok to tell our kids their feelings are valid but then we have to suppress anything thats "negative"or only show it stoically? I don't want to raise a kid who can't understand that he can't do whatever he wants without consequences. There ARE people in this world who will react with anger and he needs to know that. I prefer the term "responsive parenting". My kids see when i'm getting angry. They also see how i process and handle it- if i need a few minutes to myself to help calm myself down or need to move my body to get some of that energy out, if i need to kind of check in with myself about why something is bothering me. Sometimes i do loose my cool and yell and then they get to see how i handle that, they see that i feel bad for doing it and learn how to make amends with others when they mess up. These are all important lessons for them as they learn how to process and handle their own emotions in a healthy way. The reality is at some point parents will get angry with their kids. There might be a tiny percentage that doesn't- but that percentage probably has some combination of no outside stresses, lots of support (including the ability to have time to themselves) and that rare child that never pushes their buttons. Now if you're constantly angry and frustrated, yelling constantly somethings off and you might need to find a way to change those patterns but bei absolutely tired of your toddler whining all day for the 27th day in a row with no relief some annoyance is normal.

Original poster

michellet86 · 05/01/2023 17:09

*Guilty

OP posts:

IDontCareMatthew · 05/01/2023 17:10

These 'gentle parenting' kids are in for a shock when they get out in the real world

The parents too!

Good luck, buckle up

EezyOozy · 05/01/2023 17:11

Honestly I completely agree with you Op. I’ve got two. Gentle parenting gets on my tits, I’ve a few friends whose children behave horribly and are never disciplined because “gentle parenting”.

Mischance · 05/01/2023 17:12

I agree - they have to see and experience negative emotions and learn from the adults around them how to find ways of dealing with this.

crazycrypty · 05/01/2023 17:14

IDontCareMatthew · 05/01/2023 17:10

These 'gentle parenting' kids are in for a shock when they get out in the real world

The parents too!

Good luck, buckle up

I agree.

user1474315215 · 05/01/2023 17:15

You clearly don't understand gentle parenting.

Hardbackwriter · 05/01/2023 17:16

This is my main issue with gentle parenting too - I agree with some of its principles, but when I tried any of the more practical end of the advice following any of the suggested 'scripts' felt deeply unnatural and, tbh, made me feel like a dick (and I think would make anyone who isn't a Californian feel like a bit of a dick, really). Keeping it up would have felt like I was constantly putting on an act, and that can't possibly be how you build a healthy relationship with your children. I am naturally warm and loving, but I'm also naturally sarky, a little impatient and irritable if I'm tired. Maybe my kids would be better off with a mother who didn't have those traits, but they got me, and it doesn't seem to be that they'll be best off with a mother who is constantly watching herself and faking her emotions and register around them. It would also be completely joyless for me.

IDontCareMatthew · 05/01/2023 17:16

Explain it then....

Cuppasoupmonster · 05/01/2023 17:17

Because it’s a load of wanky bollocks. You know your kids better than anyone. Any kind of ‘one size fits all’ makes me suspicious anyway. Just do what comes naturally, if they’re happy and polite you’re doing a great job.

TheKeatingFive · 05/01/2023 17:18

Just don't engage with it. Parent how you see fit, you don't need a label.

FromTheFront2theBack · 05/01/2023 17:21

I think you're being silly. Most people don't interpret gentle parenting as having no emotion. You should just attempt to actually regulate your emotions. If you're getting frustrated taking a few minutes to calm down us fine and sets a good example. Your children should feel safe and unconditionally loved and accepted. That doesn't mean they're allowed to behave how they like without consequences.

Your behaviour should reflect how you'd like your children to manage their emotions as they grown up. It shouldn't reflect the worst of the behaviour they can expect from the rest of the world as they grow up. They'll meet some unpleasant people at some point. They shouldn't experience nasty behaviour at home.

Pipsickl · 05/01/2023 17:22

Hardbackwriter · 05/01/2023 17:16

This is my main issue with gentle parenting too - I agree with some of its principles, but when I tried any of the more practical end of the advice following any of the suggested 'scripts' felt deeply unnatural and, tbh, made me feel like a dick (and I think would make anyone who isn't a Californian feel like a bit of a dick, really). Keeping it up would have felt like I was constantly putting on an act, and that can't possibly be how you build a healthy relationship with your children. I am naturally warm and loving, but I'm also naturally sarky, a little impatient and irritable if I'm tired. Maybe my kids would be better off with a mother who didn't have those traits, but they got me, and it doesn't seem to be that they'll be best off with a mother who is constantly watching herself and faking her emotions and register around them. It would also be completely joyless for me.

This is exactly what I found when I read a book like this - I couldn’t do the script stuff because it wasn’t really how I would interact.

i am fair with people in general and didn’t understand why it was telling me to be so weird handling things with my kids.

I also had reservations about making a strange world for my kids where they didn’t experience normal reactions from adults.

none of this is to say I am not gentle and loving with my kids, but I think it’s healthy for them to experience natural reactions and understand when somebodies patience is at an end

GentlyBen · 05/01/2023 17:24

I've NC'd just to respond to you because this is going to sound awful.

My DSis is a big advocate of gentle parenting and, as much as I love her, it makes me want to shake her very, very, very, very hard because she's killing herself. Her DS cannot be told "no" for anything, he cannot be disciplined in any way for anything. He will not go to sleep ever, he has no bed time, no rules, nothing. DN is a gorgeous, funny, cheeky little boy but he's absolutely aware that he rule the roost - he hits DSis and she says to him "that hurts me" so he hits her again and again and again. He breaks things and she says "I'm sad that you broke that" and he'll break something else. He doesn't eat anything and is still almost exclusively on breastmilk (he's almost 3) and is malnourished but she can't say no to him or do anything to get him to eat food. He can't attend any nurseries because the three that she's tried won't follow her plan for him to not be told no, or expected to do anything he doesn't want to and never be disciplined for anything.

My DSis, who was the most joyous, lively and brilliant person is a shell. It's so hard to watch but no one could even imply that her parenting style isn't absolutely perfect because she's read all the books. It's horrible to watch her self-destruct and she's heading towards having to home-educate him because she won't accept schools behaviour policies.

Her parenting style isn't good for anyone. Her marriage has suffered because she insists on this style and her DH isn't allowed any opinion. Her and her DS both have no friends, at all. Her DS has never even played with another DC other than his three cousins except on the taster sessions at nursery. DN is stressed out because he has no idea what the boundaries are or what good behaviour is - he hurts himself because he isn't taught to be safe. Even my DM won't babysit him anymore because he hits her and bites her and screams and breaks things and she's not allowed to stop him or do anything about it. DSis and BIL wanted a second child but there's no way that they're doing that now.

I appreciate gentle parenting works for some people but it doesn't work for everyone and dragging yourself through hell to make a parenting style that doesn't work for you work for you is awful.

I'm going to say to you what I wish I could say to my sister. Stop kicking yourself - you're a human being and you're doing fine. In fact, you're doing great. The books don't know you, they don't know your child and they have no idea what they're talking about. You know you, you know your child so do what you think is best. Stop trying to live up to an imaginary expectation of how parents should behave - you're not a "parent figure" like a single-faceted character from a cartoon. You're a full human being with feelings and beliefs and emotions. I love you. Stop bloody beating the life out of yourself for something that simply doesn't matter.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 05/01/2023 17:25

Parent your kids the best way you can. Discipline, respect, emotional wellbeing, physical health, etc.

Try and do it with as little anger as you can.

That's it.

We all sometimes need to shout, we all sometimes cry in front of our kids, we all say "I'm disappointed/let down"

Or we should!!

Dystopiawarming · 05/01/2023 17:28

As a single parent to boys, any kind of gentle approach just does not seem to work. I have to be a dominant authority. Stricter than I ever intended to be, or they walk all over me. Very black and white, as well. So any violence is an immediate consequence, not an opportunity to share feelings. I'm naturally a flaky permissive parent, so I thought gentle parenting would work well for me as a midway point. But my kids behaviour was shocking until I took a strong stance as disciplinarian. If I let anything slide, it's punch ups and anarchy. I'm probably doing gentle parenting wrong, but I've read all the books, followed the TikTok's, tried loads of stuff and it just comes back to me having to be much more old school authoritarian than anything else. I feel more like a sports coach than a parent, it's all yellow cards and red cards and refereeing fights. And they are so physical, their aggression is expressed that way but also their love. I spend a lot of time just containing or separating them and setting and resetting boundaries constantly. Yes we play and have fun, but I've always got to keep in mind not to let things get too hectic or it will result in a punch up between them, or at least an argument or something getting broken. The other parents of boys, especially single parents of boys, are the same either they are strict or there kids are totally out of control. Doesn't seem to be much in the middle.

Conkersinautumn · 05/01/2023 17:31

Gentle parenting is the latest "not in front of the kids" type of repressed parenting.
Only the best bits for alcoholics and instagrammers.

GSat · 05/01/2023 17:45

Gentle parenting doesn't equal lack of boundaries and discipline. It just means you approach your children with empathy whilst acknowledging and respecting the way they feel. It's bloody hard work because you don't always have the patience and strength for hugging out a tantrum or to try to calm(ish)ly explain everything for the hundredth time, but it certainly beats humiliating children for crying and shouting at them / telling them to stop being sad!

But gentle parenting certainly doesn't mean children should be running wild without any boundaries and manners. That's just shit parenting...

Flossiemoss · 05/01/2023 17:57

Dystopiawarming · 05/01/2023 17:28

As a single parent to boys, any kind of gentle approach just does not seem to work. I have to be a dominant authority. Stricter than I ever intended to be, or they walk all over me. Very black and white, as well. So any violence is an immediate consequence, not an opportunity to share feelings. I'm naturally a flaky permissive parent, so I thought gentle parenting would work well for me as a midway point. But my kids behaviour was shocking until I took a strong stance as disciplinarian. If I let anything slide, it's punch ups and anarchy. I'm probably doing gentle parenting wrong, but I've read all the books, followed the TikTok's, tried loads of stuff and it just comes back to me having to be much more old school authoritarian than anything else. I feel more like a sports coach than a parent, it's all yellow cards and red cards and refereeing fights. And they are so physical, their aggression is expressed that way but also their love. I spend a lot of time just containing or separating them and setting and resetting boundaries constantly. Yes we play and have fun, but I've always got to keep in mind not to let things get too hectic or it will result in a punch up between them, or at least an argument or something getting broken. The other parents of boys, especially single parents of boys, are the same either they are strict or there kids are totally out of control. Doesn't seem to be much in the middle.

This resonates so much. I have 3 boys. I was always the strictest mother in the class( so I’m told!) because it was anarchy otherwise.

they are late teens now. Finally, I am able to do the gentle parenting stuff and they are great to be around.
thank god gentle parenting wasn’t quite the thing when they were younger - it would have been one more thing to feel guilt about .( and there would have been a constant riot)

Testina · 05/01/2023 18:00

Right… so if you don’t agree with it, why do you feel guilty?
Seems an odd reaction.

Rhino94 · 05/01/2023 18:03

user1474315215 · 05/01/2023 17:15

You clearly don't understand gentle parenting.

Exactly what I was going to say! People seem to actually assume what it is instead of actually looking into it.
Op you most certainly can show your emotions, and showing how you process it in and calm yourself is a brilliant tool in gentle parenting!

user1471457757 · 05/01/2023 18:04

user1474315215 · 05/01/2023 17:15

You clearly don't understand gentle parenting.

^^This!

Rhino94 · 05/01/2023 18:07

GentlyBen · 05/01/2023 17:24

I've NC'd just to respond to you because this is going to sound awful.

My DSis is a big advocate of gentle parenting and, as much as I love her, it makes me want to shake her very, very, very, very hard because she's killing herself. Her DS cannot be told "no" for anything, he cannot be disciplined in any way for anything. He will not go to sleep ever, he has no bed time, no rules, nothing. DN is a gorgeous, funny, cheeky little boy but he's absolutely aware that he rule the roost - he hits DSis and she says to him "that hurts me" so he hits her again and again and again. He breaks things and she says "I'm sad that you broke that" and he'll break something else. He doesn't eat anything and is still almost exclusively on breastmilk (he's almost 3) and is malnourished but she can't say no to him or do anything to get him to eat food. He can't attend any nurseries because the three that she's tried won't follow her plan for him to not be told no, or expected to do anything he doesn't want to and never be disciplined for anything.

My DSis, who was the most joyous, lively and brilliant person is a shell. It's so hard to watch but no one could even imply that her parenting style isn't absolutely perfect because she's read all the books. It's horrible to watch her self-destruct and she's heading towards having to home-educate him because she won't accept schools behaviour policies.

Her parenting style isn't good for anyone. Her marriage has suffered because she insists on this style and her DH isn't allowed any opinion. Her and her DS both have no friends, at all. Her DS has never even played with another DC other than his three cousins except on the taster sessions at nursery. DN is stressed out because he has no idea what the boundaries are or what good behaviour is - he hurts himself because he isn't taught to be safe. Even my DM won't babysit him anymore because he hits her and bites her and screams and breaks things and she's not allowed to stop him or do anything about it. DSis and BIL wanted a second child but there's no way that they're doing that now.

I appreciate gentle parenting works for some people but it doesn't work for everyone and dragging yourself through hell to make a parenting style that doesn't work for you work for you is awful.

I'm going to say to you what I wish I could say to my sister. Stop kicking yourself - you're a human being and you're doing fine. In fact, you're doing great. The books don't know you, they don't know your child and they have no idea what they're talking about. You know you, you know your child so do what you think is best. Stop trying to live up to an imaginary expectation of how parents should behave - you're not a "parent figure" like a single-faceted character from a cartoon. You're a full human being with feelings and beliefs and emotions. I love you. Stop bloody beating the life out of yourself for something that simply doesn't matter.

What you’ve described your dsis as doing is actually permissive parenting not gentle! When you gentle parent you certainly do say no and have firm boundaries!

Rhino94 · 05/01/2023 18:09

Conkersinautumn · 05/01/2023 17:31

Gentle parenting is the latest "not in front of the kids" type of repressed parenting.
Only the best bits for alcoholics and instagrammers.

Your clearly do not understand gentle parenting then….

Choconut · 05/01/2023 18:22

Why do people always mix up gentle parenting with permissive parenting?

SomeonesKnockingAtTheDoorSomeonesRingingTheBell · 05/01/2023 18:24

@GentlyBen that is awful. That poor kid is never going to have friends and will end up with severe problems.

Why dont you feel you can tell her? Please cut and paste your post and think about sending it to her. You may find she needs help to stop this ridiculousness and is relieved for someone to tell her to stop.