The gentle parenting philosophy makes me feel guiltily for having any feelings other than love

[michellet86]

Why is it not ok to show my anger? i mean appropriately and safely, not violent or aggressively. How is it ok to tell our kids their feelings are valid but then we have to suppress anything thats "negative"or only show it stoically?

I don't want to raise a kid who can't understand that he can't do whatever he wants without consequences. There ARE people in this world who will react with anger and he needs to know that.
I prefer the term "responsive parenting". My kids see when i'm getting angry. They also see how i process and handle it- if i need a few minutes to myself to help calm myself down or need to move my body to get some of that energy out, if i need to kind of check in with myself about why something is bothering me.
Sometimes i do loose my cool and yell and then they get to see how i handle that, they see that i feel bad for doing it and learn how to make amends with others when they mess up. These are all important lessons for them as they learn how to process and handle their own emotions in a healthy way. The reality is at some point parents will get angry with their kids. There might be a tiny percentage that doesn't- but that percentage probably has some combination of no outside stresses, lots of support (including the ability to have time to themselves) and that rare child that never pushes their buttons. Now if you're constantly angry and frustrated, yelling constantly somethings off and you might need to find a way to change those patterns but bei absolutely tired of your toddler whining all day for the 27th day in a row with no relief some annoyance is normal.

Flossiemoss Dystopiawarming
Oh you DO make me feel better! Single mum of 2 boys here- I'm quite alternative, so I sent them to a Steineresque preschool. I was the only Dickensian parent in the yurt 😆

We’ve tried and there’s a lot going on but she’s very protective of it and no one can criticise it. She takes it very personally. We’re constantly corrected on how we “parent” her child which means that there’s almost nothing we can say to him. “Oh, thank you, that’s very kind” is called out as labelling him and we’ll turn him into a narcissist, “doesn’t that taste nice?” is called out as giving him a complex with food and not allowing him to have his own opinions… We’re not supposed to stifle him so, when he’s hitting, he’s just expressing himself and we’re not supposed to try and control his emotions or he’ll have issues. You can’t tell him to eat or sleep or do anything at a specific time or in a specific way because he needs to learn to listen to his own body. DSis sees no issue at all with his behaviour. He hits/bites/screams/breaks things because he’s expressing his pain. I don’t know what to do. It feels almost like a cult has taken her, I don’t think I’ve had a pleasant conversation with her in years and she was my best friend. I just don’t know what to do.

I think that's on you tbh. Gentle parenting can be very firm. If you think it's soppy and boneless you're doing it wrong.

Because there's a tendency for permissive parents to proclaim that they are "Gentle Parenting" and draw attention to it, and that's what other people experience as "gentle parenting" out in the real world away from manuals.

It often doesn't work with strong-willed or ND children that need a more direct style so trying to stick to the parenting manual can result in ineffective parenting that doesn't match the child's needs even if the original intention was there. That can happen with being too dependent on any parenting "style" or manual but this combination is pretty stark as the parent gets "gentler" when the promised outcomes don't materialise and the problem increases.

It can work, but it's not a universal solution for all families.

You only need to look on the sleep section of this site to see how ‘gentle parenting’ doesn’t work for some/all children.
A firm/stern hand/approach would soon sort some of the bedtime nonsense.
Parents are scared of upsetting their kids.

I don't understand this kind of perspective. I'm parenting my kid to be strong minded and kind. To recognise his emotions and act on them accordingly and sensibly whilst being able to communicate effectively.

Gentle parenting doesn't mean mean being a pushover or producing a pushover.

If anything, more people need to be doing gentle parenting because when it's done properly it produces adults who are able to be clear and calm in the face of children who were parented to "get them ready for the real world" and are now emotionally unintelligent, stroppy, adults.

Gentle parenting doesn't mean not being firm with your kids or having hard boundaries.

Exactly this!

Just ignore it, it’s like love bombing (in the Oliver James child rearing guru sense, not red flag boyfriends) - it’s just not for everyone, including me and I am fine with that 😁

@GentlyBen Oh lordy. That is so hard for your family, to just sit and watch her and her son crash and burn.

Unless she Home Eds him, school will be hellish for them both (and the poor teacher and other kids) but maybe it will help long term if enough people tell her the same thing.

I don't attend yurt or Steiner environments with my kids or anything like that. I'm an alternative kind of person, just my parenting is not because I've learned it can't be. I've found more common ground getting involved in scouts and sports activities, and other structured activities. Or the only other boy mum in the park in the wind and pissing rain.

When we did go to more relaxed hippy environments with kids invariably our experience would be ruined by other kids who's parents thought that they didn't need discipline. My kids got frustrated with having their art works drawn over, picnics stomped through, sand flung at them in sandpits etc. i know that the premise of gentle parenting is actually authoritative parenting not permissive, but too often there is too much gentle and not enough parenting IYSWIM. It doesn't do the kids any favours, as a PP has seen in her nephew they end up hard to be around and not playing well with others.

Also, even really authoritative parenting is incredibly time consuming. It doesn't fit well into real life, when sometimes you do just have to get shit done. Very few bosses are going to be impressed with an employee who comes in late frequently because they have been hugging out a tantrum. Sometimes that child just needs strapping in a car seat and taking to nursery in a strop, so I do think a lot of gentle parents have class privilege, privilege from Work from home, flexible work, a stay at home parent etc. Whereas a lot of us are juggling a lot, and can't always prioritise working through emotions over functioning in society. I do think a certain amount of boundaries does come from them knowing the actual reality of life, because even if their parents are infinitely calm and patient (and how many parents feel guilty for falling short of that now?) the likelihood of them having a clear path through life only coming into contact with other infinitely calm and patient people is incredibly slim. Of course, a certain amount of privilege means that you're more likely to have a smoother run, as the majority of people working minimum wage jobs or similar will know, nobody really cares about your processes, just your functionality.

I'm not saying we shouldn't be Concerned with our children's emotions, of course we should. But they cannot take absolute precedence in their parents lives, and if they can their parents need to accept that that is a privilege not everyone has access to. That a lot of parents do not have the time, resources, etc. to always put their child's emotions ahead of their material needs and practical needs (working, paying rent, dealing with debts, buying groceries, attending heath appointments, getting to school/nursery/breakfast clubs on time etc.)

@GentlyBen yeah that is terrible for everyone involved and is 100% permissive parenting.

It's taken me ages to work out what gentle parenting actually is, because loads of 'experts' on social media are always going on about what NOT to do / say to your kids and give very little advice on what to actually do or say. It's no wonder parents these days feel overwhelmed with fear of fucking up their kids. And I literally did read an instagram post once that actually said that if you feel angry, you're negatively affecting your kids. Which is obviously BS because we are all human.

Personally I just try (and sometimes fail) to parent without shame and to validate their emotions. I'm not a strict parent but there is a line that my kids cannot cross and they know it. They know that their behaviour has consequences - and affects other people, including me. I try to use natual/logical consequences where possible. They're turning out okay so far.

What @GentlyBen describes isn’t gentle parenting, though. It’s permissive parenting

www.ahaparenting.com/read/permissive-parenting

I’m a big fan of aha parenting. And I reckon she has it right. Emphatic limits. Accepting all their feelings, teaching that some behaviour (hitting, breaking things) isn’t ok and helping them to find other safer ways to express anger sadness or frustration.

as a parent what I’m aiming to do is model self control. So loosing my temper and shouting isn’t that. So I aim to regulate my feelings before engaging with my children on their behaviour. And when I don’t manage that I apologise for it.

lastly, as Aha parenting says, you need to ‘wait to teach’. They won’t remember much when they’re upset.

And when we’re angry it’s really scary for them. So the most impactful chat is once the feelings have passed and everyone is feeling calm and open to talking it over.

It’s really hard. We somewhat hoped they’d get to school so it could be solved but then she’s mentioned homeschooling and I feel like it’ll never end.

@GentlyBen that's horrific and he will be in for a big shock. As will your sister when it finally hits her.

I agree with you OP. The people I know who preach this generally have pretty vile children.

As a parent to two boys I concur. I am firm but fair. If I had not been all over it from the very beginning these kids would have ended up dead or very close to it. The scrapes I’ve dealt with would make your hair stand on end. Luckily I have eyes like a hawk and have learned over time when we’re building up to someone getting hurt and nip it in the bud immediately.

my friend is like this and it drives me potty the way she just talks at her kids. I know she’s acknowledging their feelings etc etc but too many words in my opinion. Little ones surely understand simple, clear language so much better than loads of flowery “I understand you’re feeling xyz etc etc”

@GentlyBen holy shit, I applaud you for holding your tongue so far as it all would’ve come out a long time ago if she was my family member (not that, I assume, she would listen!).

I haven’t read a single parenting ‘manual’, don’t believe in them - I feel the best person to know what DD needs is me. I grew her, I know her inside out, I can see when she’s about to do something or what she’s thinking. I know when she’s been naughty and when she genuinely didn’t know she was crossing a line. I have never smacked and will never smack, but we have firm boundaries - ie ‘if you throw another handful of food, there will be no dessert’ and stick to it. I raise my voice rarely but when needed, mainly if she does something dangerous and needs a bit of a shock. We also talk through feelings when appropriate, have cuddles if I can tell she’s upset etc. I can tell a few of the ‘crunchy mums’ I know think I’m old fashioned but the nursery have said what a confident, happy girl she is. Not blowing my own trumpet as I’m sure most parents take this approach, but my point is DD would be unhappy without boundaries - they make her feel safe and that I’m in charge. It must be scary for a toddler to know they’re in charge and the parent is weaker than them.

Aha parenting and 'How to Talk' are the two that I read and thought 'oh yes, this all makes sense' but when I actually tried to use any of their suggestions I felt like a fake idiot - and kids can tell when you're faking it! I can see how it would work for you if it's your natural register and communication style, but it isn't mine.

Also, I'm pretty certain my children are of average intelligence but the techniques seemed to be written in anticipation of much dimmer kids... They both talk endlessly about the 'amazing trick' of giving choices, but my three year old worked out pretty quickly that one possible answer to 'do you want blue pyjamas or red ones' or 'do you want to brush your teeth first or read your book first?' is 'i don't want to put on pyjamas/brush my teeth/read a book because I don't want to go to bed' - a possibility that 'How to Talk' never seems to countenance!

I’m somewhere in the middle I think. I’m not authoritarian enough according to some people, but they know when they’ve crossed the line and I do get angry. I will always apologise if I lose my temper but surely children need to know that we are human too, and have big emotions just like they do. We just need to teach them how to deal with it.

@GentlyBen - I hope your nephew isn’t called Ben as that might be a bit outing! I literally don’t know how you cope with that without saying something.

Google gentle parenting and permissive parenting and all those of you bashing gentle parenting will realise that what you are witnessing is permissive parenting. There’s a huge difference.

Then, with respect, why do so many people who claim to be ‘gentle parenting’ end up ‘submissive parenting’? Is it because attempting the former usually ends in the latter?

In my daughters class there is a perfect correlation between gentle parenting and class bully in a number of children! A year group who missed vital years at school due to covid and learning social skills.

Another friend struggles to keep nanny's as her kids and her parenting dont seem compatible, apparently asking child to put on shoes is not acceptable!!!!

Huh? I don’t think gentle parenting means you can never show you are angry?

@RudsyFarmer

Yes firm but fair is my mantra.
I feel like it's a battle just to keep mine from doing death defying stunts and breaking bones.
I was so sure before I had kids that gender was all about nurture, and then alone came these boys to show me what nature could do. I believe boys can cry, that girls can achieve all the same things, etc. but I also believe that their is something different in them which, unlike girls who seem to get socialised out of being wild and fool hardy pretty early on, boys seem to always want to push the boundaries physically. Climb the highest, run the fastest, be the top dog. They seem to be naturally territorial, and being small and female and not having a bigger male presence in the house any more, I feel it was harder for them to accept me as the leader and I have to constantly remind them of it as my dominance is less automatic. I don't want them thinking they can bully women, so I think that every time they hit or hurt me, that actually when I say that's ok or let it slide, what I'm actually doing is setting them up to think that if they have a big feeling it's ok to hurt someone, and that could be mirrored over so easily into their romantic relationships some day. Im hoping this is the groundwork to them being decent young men some day. But who knows. The proof is years away still!