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Original poster

The gentle parenting philosophy makes me feel guiltily for having any feelings other than love

171 replies

michellet86 · 05/01/2023 17:09

Why is it not ok to show my anger? i mean appropriately and safely, not violent or aggressively. How is it ok to tell our kids their feelings are valid but then we have to suppress anything thats "negative"or only show it stoically?

I don't want to raise a kid who can't understand that he can't do whatever he wants without consequences. There ARE people in this world who will react with anger and he needs to know that.
I prefer the term "responsive parenting". My kids see when i'm getting angry. They also see how i process and handle it- if i need a few minutes to myself to help calm myself down or need to move my body to get some of that energy out, if i need to kind of check in with myself about why something is bothering me.
Sometimes i do loose my cool and yell and then they get to see how i handle that, they see that i feel bad for doing it and learn how to make amends with others when they mess up. These are all important lessons for them as they learn how to process and handle their own emotions in a healthy way. The reality is at some point parents will get angry with their kids. There might be a tiny percentage that doesn't- but that percentage probably has some combination of no outside stresses, lots of support (including the ability to have time to themselves) and that rare child that never pushes their buttons. Now if you're constantly angry and frustrated, yelling constantly somethings off and you might need to find a way to change those patterns but bei absolutely tired of your toddler whining all day for the 27th day in a row with no relief some annoyance is normal.

OP posts:
GSat · 05/01/2023 22:49

@twothirty5th

I was talking about empathising and respecting feelings, not tolerating bad behaviours. Your example of biting is not very good, biting happens for a whole lot of reasons at various stages of development so I'm not going to go into how to deal with that...but to answer your question, I would expect a parent to deal with it in an appropriate way. As I said previously, gentle parenting doesn't equal lack of boundaries and lack of consequences / discipline.

You should read about it as I don't think you fully understand this.

onmywayamarillo · 05/01/2023 22:49

@Dystopiawarming I there with you! 2 boys it's like a battlefield isn't it?
I grew up with girls/women and it's another world with boys.

They gang up on me or each other! Another world

Calmdown14 · 05/01/2023 23:01

Oh OP I love your post. So very true.

I feel that parenting has taken over the everything in modern terms. Not explaining that well but feel up to fairly recently kids were expected to tag along to a certain extent and now everything centres around them at all times.

Don't get me wrong. I do lots of things with and for my kids and I love it but they have also been expected to go and play because I want to talk to my friend etc. I see others stop everything all of the time and it is usually this kind of pandering nonsense whereby feelings can never be the teeniest tiniest bit put out.

My kids know I can lose it. Not often but the warning that I am close to it is usually pretty effective at bringing them into line! They need to understand when their behaviour is enough to drive anyone round the bend!

twothirty5th · 05/01/2023 23:09

GSat · 05/01/2023 22:49

@twothirty5th

I was talking about empathising and respecting feelings, not tolerating bad behaviours. Your example of biting is not very good, biting happens for a whole lot of reasons at various stages of development so I'm not going to go into how to deal with that...but to answer your question, I would expect a parent to deal with it in an appropriate way. As I said previously, gentle parenting doesn't equal lack of boundaries and lack of consequences / discipline.

You should read about it as I don't think you fully understand this.

Well it doesn't sound like you do either if you're having to repeat things 100 times?

Pardon me if I'm wrong though.

TheWomanTheyCallJayne · 05/01/2023 23:22

Mediocrates · 05/01/2023 21:55

Having read some of these comments, it seems I did gentle parenting all wrong! My children are older now, but they were frequently told no. I was gentle, not perfect, and certainly raised my voice, snapped, and said unhelpful things over the years. What I also did though was owned the times that I did those things, and apologised for them in the same way I’d have expected an apology if they behaved in the same way.

What really boils my piss though is the whole “raising a generation of snowflakes” thing. I’m not perfect and neither are my children, but they’re pretty decent human beings most of the time and have never been in any trouble of note. In fact, I’d say they’re people I admire. I’m sure there were lots of factors at play in that, but I’m sure my snowflake parenting at least contributed 😆

I was going to write a very similar post.

Looking back I gentle parented my children who are now turning into adults I’m proud of. And looking even further back I think I was pretty well gentle parented. And when I compare my behaviour to those with more authoritarian parents I think I gave my parents less grief. Many of them seemed to feel they had to be sneaky to do what they wanted whereas I had built up a level of trust with my parents.

BabyOnBoard90 · 05/01/2023 23:23

YANBU.

Gentle parenting creating a generation of snowflakes.

GSat · 05/01/2023 23:35

Well it doesn't sound like you do either if you're having to repeat things 100 times?

@twothirty5th

If that's your takeaway of the whole discussion then so be jt 🤣🤣

twothirty5th · 05/01/2023 23:50

GSat · 05/01/2023 23:35

Well it doesn't sound like you do either if you're having to repeat things 100 times?

@twothirty5th

If that's your takeaway of the whole discussion then so be jt 🤣🤣

Well, I'm only going by what you said in your reply? You said something along the lines of getting tired of repeating something for the 100th time when gentle parenting a child.

(Obviously that's an exaggeration) but If you're repeating something time after time enough to note it on this thread, you don't really understand it either. Or it's not working.

So yeah - that's my takeaway I guess. Even the GeNtLe MuMs have no idea what they're on about half the time. It's just basic parenting with a label making it look like everyone else who don't gentle parenting (boak) is rough parenting.

rattlinbog · 06/01/2023 00:10

I have a colleague who's massively into that sort of thing.
He and his wife sleep separately one in each bed with the kids and are constantly up in the night. No thanks!
I never shout at my 2YO but will jolly well tell him if his behaviour is not on!

RobertaFirmino · 06/01/2023 00:49

Sometimes a stern word or two is appropriate. I don't mean full on shouting, swearing or manhandling at all, just a tone of voice that lets DC know that Mum is in charge so stop pissing about and put your bloody shoes on. My own DM could do it with just a look.
Surely they need to learn that a certain standard of behaviour is expected in the real world (esp. at school) and it seems somewhat negligent not to prepare them for this. A lily livered 'Please don't hit, Noah darling' won't do a child any good in the playground when someone wallops him back.

shsiwb · 06/01/2023 03:28

I’m on quite a few gentle parenting pages on Facebook and tbh the posts wind me up. So many permissive parenting recommendations and people wanting to leave their partner because he doesn’t agree exactly with them. Like everything else it’s become culty and it’s really raising some narcassistic children. I used to try doing it and I realised it just wasn’t working for us. Now I just go with what feel right and I feel much less guilty and more connected to my kids because I’m not using scripts and other people’s rules to raise my kid.

shsiwb · 06/01/2023 03:32

Dystopiawarming · 05/01/2023 18:52

I don't attend yurt or Steiner environments with my kids or anything like that. I'm an alternative kind of person, just my parenting is not because I've learned it can't be. I've found more common ground getting involved in scouts and sports activities, and other structured activities. Or the only other boy mum in the park in the wind and pissing rain.

When we did go to more relaxed hippy environments with kids invariably our experience would be ruined by other kids who's parents thought that they didn't need discipline. My kids got frustrated with having their art works drawn over, picnics stomped through, sand flung at them in sandpits etc. i know that the premise of gentle parenting is actually authoritative parenting not permissive, but too often there is too much gentle and not enough parenting IYSWIM. It doesn't do the kids any favours, as a PP has seen in her nephew they end up hard to be around and not playing well with others.

Also, even really authoritative parenting is incredibly time consuming. It doesn't fit well into real life, when sometimes you do just have to get shit done. Very few bosses are going to be impressed with an employee who comes in late frequently because they have been hugging out a tantrum. Sometimes that child just needs strapping in a car seat and taking to nursery in a strop, so I do think a lot of gentle parents have class privilege, privilege from Work from home, flexible work, a stay at home parent etc. Whereas a lot of us are juggling a lot, and can't always prioritise working through emotions over functioning in society. I do think a certain amount of boundaries does come from them knowing the actual reality of life, because even if their parents are infinitely calm and patient (and how many parents feel guilty for falling short of that now?) the likelihood of them having a clear path through life only coming into contact with other infinitely calm and patient people is incredibly slim. Of course, a certain amount of privilege means that you're more likely to have a smoother run, as the majority of people working minimum wage jobs or similar will know, nobody really cares about your processes, just your functionality.

I'm not saying we shouldn't be Concerned with our children's emotions, of course we should. But they cannot take absolute precedence in their parents lives, and if they can their parents need to accept that that is a privilege not everyone has access to. That a lot of parents do not have the time, resources, etc. to always put their child's emotions ahead of their material needs and practical needs (working, paying rent, dealing with debts, buying groceries, attending heath appointments, getting to school/nursery/breakfast clubs on time etc.)

I agree. Also I feel a lot of the ways these so called gentle parents are raising their kids is with no resilience which is terrible for their mental health and society as a whole, which we are seeing the beginning of.

shsiwb · 06/01/2023 03:37

Hardbackwriter · 05/01/2023 19:43

'Authoritarian' parenting, by the standards you seem to be using, has been near universal for most of human history, though, and still is in most cultures. Surely you don't really think that the only emotionally regulated people in existence are a small group of largely middle-class westerners who are nearly all under 30?

Show quote history

🤣 love this, especially as they are some of the most easily offended, emotionally disregulated people

nobodygirl2023 · 06/01/2023 04:11

I've found parts of gentle parenting helpful - particularly in dealing with toddler tantrums or irrational crying. Sitting with her while she tantrums and letting her know I'm here when she's ready to have a cuddle, labeling her emotions by saying "are you feeling sad?" and then trying to talk to her about what it is she's sad about tends to work to calm her down in those moments). But she certainly has boundaries, gets told no (especially to behaviour that's dangerous or deliberately unkind). For me, it seems to be about recognising they are just little humans and giving them some respect.

I feel like blindly following any type of parenting philosophy is mental though - you need to incorporate lots of different approaches to suit different personalities, situations and circumstances rather than being so academic about it all the time.

At the end of the day, there's no such thing as perfect parenting anyway.

I do agree with another poster who mentioned how gentle parenting is associated with a certain degree of privilege. I also feel that about those who are judgey as f*ck about sleep training of any kind - usually those that don't need to get up and work a 9-5 job or refer to themselves as full time mums (while those of us who work too are what....checked out of motherhood during working hours?!)

WandaWonder · 06/01/2023 04:15

I couldn't imagine parenting by a philosophy

Is 'gentle parenting' where parents spend 3 hours explaining to a child not to touch the hob

Where parenting is 'see that do not touch it' type thing?

LosingSleepSince03 · 06/01/2023 04:25

I don’t know what gentle parenting is and the couple of times I’ve seen it referred to, I’m none the wiser when I try to read about it.

However, I don’t shout at my children, I don’t shout at anyone. I was brought up in a shouty house with lots of swearing and it’s something I made an choice not to do.

Zebedee55 · 06/01/2023 04:31

Mojoj · 05/01/2023 20:24

It's a load of bollocks. I have boys whom I have raised with a firm hand, lost my shit more times than I care to remember, split up endless fights and always tried my best to treat them with respect, be straight with them and always, always demand respect in return. They're adults now, with whom I love spending time. They have turned out just fine. Kids need firm boundaries which includes telling them no!!

This. My two kids, boy and girl, are in their mid 40's, and my GC are now all young adults.

All reared with firm boundaries and parents that did lose their rag sometimes.

All good. Great relationships all round.

I pity some of those gentle/permissive parents when their children reach puberty and really start throwing their weight around. ..😳

Child rearing books etc with their many fads cause half of the problem. Best to just follow your own instincts and try to just end up with happy, healthy kids.🙂

Bluedabadeeba · 06/01/2023 05:56

This is a little frustrating... this is NOT GENTLE PARENTING.Even though I haven't 'read all the books' like the PP whose Sil is self destructing (who, by the way, has MASSIVELY MISUNDERSTOOD THE CONCEPT, I feel sorry for her really), even with my basic understanding, there ARE consequences and follow through is vital.

So so much misinformation about this approach- or maybe people have cherry picked ideas and then but it out there as 'the approach' on SM.

GoingtotheWinchester · 06/01/2023 06:06

Having worked in education all my life kids need boundaries and consequences. Parenting kids like they’re equals is bollocks unless you’re blessed with kids who intrinsically know how to behave.

Behaviour in schools is getting progressively worse because of this “don’t ever say no to your child” culture that has developed. The constant negotiation with kids is ridiculous and doesn’t fly in a busy school environment. It’s nonsense.

autienotnaughty · 06/01/2023 06:07

Gentle parenting gets a bad rap because it's massively misunderstood. Everyone thinks it's "Timmy please don't do that" in a soft tone as Timmy beats the crap out of his little sister.
No
Gentle parenting is about having empathy and understanding for your child. They still need boundaries, discipline and to learn right and wrong. It's just not done through shouting and anger. And yes it's very hard. It's much easier when as a parent when you are tired and frustrated to shout as that frightens the child in to stopping. It's a quick fix. But it's not great for the child . You have to think if you as an adult can not manage your emotions without being overwhelmed and lashing out how do you expect your child to? Also it's fine to show emotions infront of your child (age appropriately) - sadness, anger etc but dealt with in a healthy way , that demonstrates those feelings are normal. Incidentally gentle parenting involves giving a child a safe place to have their feelings and let their emotions out. Why do people think this is more damaging than being told off for having feelings? If as a child you are told off for crying/feeling sad you learn that's bad and you shouldn't have those feelings, that's where repressed feelings come from.

Redcisco · 06/01/2023 07:05

I believe I follow gentle parenting and I have a friend who believes she follows gentle parenting. We both have a completely different way of parenting our kids. So obviously it’s open to a lot of interpretation. My friend, for example, doesn’t believe in the word no. She doesn’t say no to her child. That, in my opinion, is a load of bollocks.

I chose to learn about gentle parenting because I wanted to do the opposite of my own upbringing, which was aggressive parenting. I take the bits I think will work with my kid. I do lose my temper because I’m human, but I have a conversation with my kid afterwards about how I could have done things differently. I acknowledge they have feelings too. I don’t get into battles of wills where I have to win at whatever cost. I allow them equal room to talk in conversations. I criticize my kid’s behavior not their character. If they say “I dont love you “ I reply with “well I will always love you.” I try to provide unconditional, violence-free love. I don’t put my kid in
time out but I’ve taught her that when you are so angry that you can’t stop you should go to another room to calm down. If I’m angry, I announce it: I’m feeling really mad at you right now. Or: I’m on the verge of exploding and doing something I would regret later so I’m going to take 5 minutes mummy time.

But we have rules like any other family. No is definitely a word that exists for us. So are consequences. Especially for hitting. Because the gentle standards are for the entire family, not just the parents.

But honestly, the best way to do gentle parenting is watch a few seasons of Bluey. In all honesty I just try to copy Bandit and Chilli.

SpringIntoChaos · 06/01/2023 07:32

Try being a teacher with 'gently parented' children in your Reception class 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ They struggle so much!

Rhino94 · 06/01/2023 07:48

SpringIntoChaos · 06/01/2023 07:32

Try being a teacher with 'gently parented' children in your Reception class 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ They struggle so much!

Again you mean permissive parenting, my child got on great in reception, settled in quickly and had no problems with behavior. She is gentle (authoritative) parented and that involves firm boundaries and being told no.

Tandora · 06/01/2023 08:45

Everyone pouring scorn on “gentle parenting” and saying that it’s just normal parenting, clearly have no experience of what it’s like to be raised by an authoritarian/ emotionally abusive parent. Yes, of course there are so many excellent and wonderful parents out there who don’t need the assistance of psychological theories of parenting/ guidance and support, but there are also a lot who reallly struggle- perhaps because we weren’t shown an effective model of parenting ourselves, or because parenting is bloody hard, and no one pushes your buttons like your children. Personally I don’t like the Sarah OS books- they are preachy/ simplistic/ superior and unhelpful. I think part of the problem with how gentle parenting has been interpreted (and applied) by so many comes from the extent to which she dominates the UK market But there are many other much more helpful/ insightful resources out there, which can be an absolute a godsend to those for whom empathising while holding boundaries (a really bloody hard thing to do sometimes) doesn’t come intuitively. God I wish my parents had read them before raising me.

loveandwarmth · 06/01/2023 09:02

Sounds to me like lots of people use gentle/ authoritative parenting but just don't know it or label it - which is great.

It also sounds like a lot of people say they are gentle parenting but really they are being permissive - I definitely agree that this kind of parenting creates children with no boundaries who don't know how to behave.

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