The gentle parenting philosophy makes me feel guiltily for having any feelings other than love

[michellet86]

Why is it not ok to show my anger? i mean appropriately and safely, not violent or aggressively. How is it ok to tell our kids their feelings are valid but then we have to suppress anything thats "negative"or only show it stoically?

I don't want to raise a kid who can't understand that he can't do whatever he wants without consequences. There ARE people in this world who will react with anger and he needs to know that.
I prefer the term "responsive parenting". My kids see when i'm getting angry. They also see how i process and handle it- if i need a few minutes to myself to help calm myself down or need to move my body to get some of that energy out, if i need to kind of check in with myself about why something is bothering me.
Sometimes i do loose my cool and yell and then they get to see how i handle that, they see that i feel bad for doing it and learn how to make amends with others when they mess up. These are all important lessons for them as they learn how to process and handle their own emotions in a healthy way. The reality is at some point parents will get angry with their kids. There might be a tiny percentage that doesn't- but that percentage probably has some combination of no outside stresses, lots of support (including the ability to have time to themselves) and that rare child that never pushes their buttons. Now if you're constantly angry and frustrated, yelling constantly somethings off and you might need to find a way to change those patterns but bei absolutely tired of your toddler whining all day for the 27th day in a row with no relief some annoyance is normal.

Pfft I know loads of nearly 5yos with parents who do things in different ways varying from permissive to very strict consequences for tantrums who will still tantrum now and then, and just as many with as different parenting styles whose nearly 5yos don’t tantrum any more. Most of it is just how parents choose to cope with particular phases that children will grow out of. And also depends on what you categorise as a tantrum probably. I agree with it being mostly common sense and not being a dick though. I also think if you are naturally confident with setting boundaries it is all fairly obvious, if you aren’t then you can easily fall into permissive parenting or thinking that’s what you are being told to do.

Right. I don’t disagree with any of that. That all falls within sensible and (if you want to call it that) “gentle” parenting. You can acknowledge that getting a particular pair of shoes on is annoying whilst the process continues and you’re all out of the house just as speedily, no fuss, no indulgence, moving swiftly on to the next thing.

well quite... all the more reason why these sorts of parenting "styles" are a very blunt instrument for anything as sophisticated and difficult as parenting. And by definition they will only work for certain phases of a child's life.

I have always thought that they are probably helpful in extreme situations where you desperately need a fix for something (such as the various styles of sleep management/Gina Ford etc).

But a lot of it is Snake Oil. And anyone who applies them as a rulebook to their parenting life probably lacks a lot of common sense (and has a lot of time on their hands).

That's not gentle parenting, that's permissive parenting.

I gentle parent, my kids have a bedtime, a routine, expectations, rules and they get told no. They have reasons explained to them. They don't get shouted at (well that's not true, I try not to shout but I'm fallible and human and I apologise if I shout)

So a permissive parent kid says 'get me chocolate' mum gets chocolate.

A gentle parent kid says 'get me chocolate' I say 'thats not a kind a way to ask for something, try again' he then says 'mummy please can I have some chocolate' I say, much better, I'm making dinner just now but once you've eaten you can have chocolate for pudding.

Say he gets upset and has a tantrum, permissive parent says, oh no, don't cry, ok here's some chocolate justnow a gentle parent might say' I know you're disappointed because you want it now, you can have some chocolate for pudding once we've had dinner,do you need some help calming down' if the tantrum continues I then stop for a bit, take him to sit and calm modelling deep breaths and then finish making dinner.

An authoritarian parent might say stop your whining, you can have chocolate if you give over or no chocolate at all, right no chocolate and go sit in time out until you stop that racket.

A gentle parent holds the same boundaries but sympathetically and allows expression of disappointment and anger while helping calm down. An authoritarian parent removes treats or privileges and roars and shouts about the crying and emotional reaction itself. A permissive parent gives a child whatever they want regardless of whether it's a good idea rather than have their child ever experience a negative emotion

Might be worth bearing in mind that in the introduction to Toddlercalm (which I do think is a genuinely useful book) Sarah Ockwell Smith talks about how other parenting experts write book after book but she’s not going to do that because this is the only book you’ll ever need: it’ll empower you with the tools to handle any parenting situation and if it doesn’t, she’s got it wrong.

She’s since written The Gentle Parenting Book, The Gentle Eating Book, The Gentle Potty Training Book, The Gentle Sleep Book, The Gentle Discipline Book…

(For the record I absolutely endorse treating your children with respect and empathy and acknowledging the limitations of their neurological development. I don’t agree with following any parental doctrine without thinking about whether it even makes sense - like the parent I read about once who was proud of himself for not acknowledging his son’s first steps because he’d read that praise was wrong…)

Interesting, but then it makes sense right. Build a brand, or a following and you can milk it for years.

Like you say, they may be useful books, but the motivation is ultimately always £££

Why does it seem like 90 percent of people posting about gentle parenting have no idea what it actually is?

Also I don’t get the “ooh I can’t wait for them to get out in the real world and suffer” attitude it invokes either. 🤨

@GentlyBen your post has chilled me to the marrow. Your poor nephew. He’s being completely let down! And groomed for a life as an angry outsider.

I don’t know what you can do, as he’s not exactly being neglected, but it sounds like your DSis could really use some help. What a tragedy.

Have you read the thread? Lots of people questioning what it actually is since we keep being told what it's not? And little acknowledgement of the points made by some that we just fundamentally disagree with parts of it. Which could apparently only be because we don't understand what it is...

@Quordle Yes, there are multiple posts talking about the difference between gentle parenting and permissive parenting. Gentle parenting isn’t having no boundaries.

I don’t think (and didn’t say) that the only reason you could disagree with gentle parenting is if you don’t know what it is- but mixing it up with permissive/passive parenting is contributing to misinformation as to what it actually IS.

Personally I don’t subscribe to any one parenting “style”, but I think gentle parenting gets a lot of shit it doesn’t deserve.

I'm not sure about this. I was parented pretty gently.
I've never had friends who take advantage of me, or abusive boyfriends or any of the shit that I read about on here.
I have wonderful friends and a fantastic husband.
I do think this is partly because I had parents who didn't shout or shame or put me down. I know not to tolerate bad behaviour from anyone because it was never normalised in my childhood.

Surely this is one of the advantages of gentle parenting when done properly - that you grow up emotionally secure enough to be able to cope with a difficult world. But I think this is where the misconceptions about gentle parenting cause confusion - if you think gentle parenting is about pandering to your children and that they will therefore grow up expecting to be pandered to, then yes, they’re going to be disappointed. But if it’s about giving children empathy and respect, then surely they will grow up expecting empathy and respect from others - and that’s not that unreasonable, is it?

Completely agree with your last point. To me the whole “everyone’s going to be horrible to you in life so get used to it” thing is a bit like the argument that kids need to wear school uniform to stop them getting picked on: wouldn’t it be better if we all raised our kids not to pick on people because of the way they look, rather than tell them to fit in or expect abuse? (Maybe that’s too idealistic…)

I agree with you OP.
With some kids they can do and speak as they please with no consequences. They then turn into entitled spoiled adult arseholes.

Nothing wrong with telling kids off if need be and having firm boundaries. Yanbu.

A gentle parent holds the same boundaries but sympathetically and allows expression of disappointment and anger while helping calm down. An authoritarian parent removes treats or privileges and roars and shouts about the crying and emotional reaction itself. A permissive parent gives a child whatever they want regardless of whether it's a good idea rather than have their child ever experience a negative emotion

And a normal, sane parent tells them that having a tantrum when they don’t get their own way is a fast track way to ensure they don’t get any chocolate at all. But they tell them calmly, praise good behaviour, hug and kiss their children lots, talk about their emotions at suitable times etc. But sometimes, when children are being obnoxious, aggressive or dangerous, they do well to realise that their feelings are not at the epicentre of the world and a discussion about how THEY might be feeling just isn’t appropriate.

Most parents who love their children instinctively know how to parent them without ‘methods’ and books.

So you're calling me an insane parent? Because I don't get annoyed that my child cries when he's frustrated or upset? Thats not acting obnoxious. Acting obnoxious would be something like 'give me chocolate now or I'll scream, I hate you...' or whatever. In which case he'd be told that's not a kind way to speak to anyone and if he continues he won't get chocolate at all. A child crying because they're upset and still learning to manage their emotions isn't a big deal, why make it one?

That's the difference I guess, the op talks about gentle parenting making her feel she can't express negative emotions. I express negative emotions with my kids, I get annoyed, angry, frustrated, overwhelmed. I just try to work through it in a healthy way and I tell them what's happening. 'im getting really frustrated so I'm going to take a minute and a few deep breaths/get a glass of water/ sit over here for a minute' my 4 yr old will now tell ME I should t y taking some deep breaths if I say I'm annoyed.

Depends on your aim, make your kids 'behave' and follow instructions blindly ignoring how they feel or teach them why you want things done a certainw ay, why kindness and cooperation are important and how to manage their big feelings by modelling it for them so they grow up emotionally secure.

I don't actually subscribe to entirely gentle parenting and I don't read parenting books I simply have seen a lot of stuff about gentle parenting and how it aligns with what I want and what I do. I also don't give a fudge how you raise your children, there's no 1 right way so long as a child is loved and not neglected or abused. But the shit gentle parenting gets is unwarranted and actually usually people are talking about lazy or checked out parenting. Which annoys any 'sane' parent!

Also no, most parents don't instinctively 'know' how to parent, they just parent as they were parented, that's why spanking etc persisted for so long

for those that say ‘the scripts feel inauthentic to me’ … I’m surprised.

when I read the section do Calm parents Happy kids on toddler tantrums it choked for me completely.

as an insight into what is going on, and a guide to how as a parent I can best support and deal with the situation.

it chimed with me completely. And, by using that approach, I can say to my kids when needed ‘i know you don’t want to do XYZ but I need you to for abc reason so I’m asking you to make it work’ and they do.

but I make sure, when there is time and space to hear and help them name and resolve their feeling stern we do.

as for ‘when are you going to show them the real you?’ Really?

do you belittle the feelings of adults in your life? Tell them you don’t want to hear it and hurry up?

a better question might be, when are you going to treat your kids with respect? And if you don’t why should they ever treat you with respect?

CPHK suggests diffuse teenagers are often those that have had their feelings ignore/ minimised / belittled as younger children. And then their feelings of hurt anger and rejection come out when they are old enough and big enough to make a stand.

i aim to be a respectful regulated person most / all of the time. Reading about parenting has been some self therapy for me, reflecting back on things my parents weren’t emotional equipped to support me with when I was a child (and I’ve been to therapy to resolve)

the techniques in those books modified appropriately have helped improve my marriage and other close relationships.

aiming to be emotionally regulated, to know yourself, to engage with others openly and respectfully are goals for us all.

if you’re impatient/ snappy / dismissive / short of temper a lot, maybe you’d benefit from some self reflection and therapy to seek to become a clamer, happier person.

This reminds me of the Atkins diet. People embracing only what they knew about it, but barely researching it. People saying it's going to fail, but only because they were only exposed to the first group.

There is a lot of misunderstanding on this thread about what gentle parenting is.

It's modelling emotional regulation and good communication, helping children to understand their emotions and respond to them in a healthy way.
It is having boundaries and consequences whilst encouraging respectful behaviour.
It is explaining "why" to children instead of shouting at them all the time.
It is modelling behaviour you want to see them performing.
It is teaching children to make good choices and have them know you're a safe person for them to talk to, not condition fear based responses that have them hiding things to avoid punishment, or being afraid of you.
It is helping children to become resilient, have good self esteem, to become empathetic and respectful so that they continue to be that person as a young adult.

It isn't permissive, "spoiling", having no boundaries. It also doesn't involve treating your children in a way you wouldn't want them to treat you.

We gentle parent. I'm not perfect but we try our best. We are often complimented on the fact that our child is able to articulate her emotions very well for her age and regulates quite well. She has good manners and knows boundaries and consequences. She is confident in setting her own personal boundaries and respects those of other people.
Meanwhile some family members are forever screaming at their kids and putting them in time out. Quite frankly they are not nice to be around, I get a headache. The kids lie to try and avoid punishment and are visibly afraid of their parents. It is sad.