WIBU to get involved with schools disciplinary process?

[throwawayname00]

Long story short.
Last term in my DS8 and a bunch of boys in his class were involved in some bullying of another child. it was reported and dealt with by the school.

Parents were called, kids were talked to and for the rest of that school term the 'bullying' boys were not allowed to play together. I personally felt that was a bit OTT but went with it.

We've gone back to school this term and DS has come home saying he still isn't allowed to play with the other boys, they are all being kept apart during class times, lunch times and play times.
And this was announced to them all by the teacher in front of the whole class with her saying "XYZ, you still aren't allowed to play together because I still can't trust you"

I'm intending to speak to the teacher at pick up or maybe just email the school directly.
I feel this has been dragged from one term into another by the teacher, i feel they were spoken to by teachers, head teacher and parents. They were kept apart for 2/3 weeks last term and it could have been left there.
And calling them out like that in front of their peer group is awful IMO.

I want to use this thread to check myself before I go in guns blazing.
WIBU to step in at this point?

My sons was bullied and the bully’s mum tried to get in contact. I was not interested at all. I was so livid with what her absolute scum if a child had been doing there is no way I could have calmly spoken to her. Absolutely no interest in her or her views whatsoever. Apologies from bullies are very rarely sincere, and are therefore meaningless.

YABU

Coming at this from another angle, school is a place to learn and they will all do well to make new friends. of your son wants to see the other boys why dont you arrange a playdate at the weekend?

Personally I think it's good that the group has been split up in school. Your child could try making friends with the bullied child and that might show he has changed his mindset from that kid being a problem or future target and that he can own his shame from his behaviour and try to make a positive change. But it would have to be genuine if he has learnt his lesson and not doing it to manipulate the school.

But you don't seem to think what your son did was wrong or an issue? So why are you bothered about others knowing about it?
And the fact he doesn't like to apologise and doing this is a 'consequence' rather than something that is required of his behaviour is telling.

I agree with this. Both of mine were warned by us that if they ever did this kind of thing - throwing coats and lunchboxes around, taking stuff away from another child - I would punish them harder than the school ever would.
It is disgusting behaviour from 8 year olds and it needs to be prevented from happening again. I have no sympathy with you at all, I’m afraid. He was part of a group ganging up on another child and he needs to understand how serious it is . The teacher’s words suggest that something is still not right about their behaviour- you need to ask what that is before complaining about how she spoke to him.

I think OP is being given a really hard time when she doesn't deserve it. I would also be wanting to understand from the school what the plan is. He can't be punished forever. I wouldn't go in all guns blazing but calmly ask how things are going and what the next steps are. Good luck OP x

And still you defend bullying…as a parent of a bullied child I’d have been delighted if the school had shown me they were taking the bullies’ behaviour seriously, sadly it’s very unusual.

One day you may thank that teacher

You said that you do not have contact with his father and he has harrassed you in the past. Unfortunately you do not know what sort of ideas he is dripping into you son's mind in the time he has him. I think this means that you need to be even firmer in placing the boundaries yourself.

He's not being 'punished forever' school are just saying they won't give that group the opportunity to bully again. They're not being stopped meeting or socialising in their own time

My year 3 son was bullied last term by a group of boys. It takes more than a few weeks of sustained intervention from the school to change the friendship and playground dynamics that have caused this problem.
You should be really glad they are not playing together and should encourage your son to make some new friends instead.

I’m afraid you are minimising this. Talk to the school perhaps and hear their thoughts and ideas about how to handle this.

OP, I'm chair of governors at a Primary School. This sort of situation is something that would be reported to me and I would be monitoring with the head.

I think you should ask for a meeting with the teacher, ask what the plan is for things to return to "normal" and talk about the impact of the punishment on your child. Try and avoid talking about the other boys or the bullied child although obviously you can express concern about him and his wellbeing but don't talk about his behaviour.

Then if you're not happy with the outcome, ask for a meeting with the head to discuss further.

The school should have a plan in place to protect the boy from further harm but also to allow all of the children to integrate fully. Read their bullying policy as well so you can check the steps in there have been followed.

You are well within your rights to discuss your child and how he is being treated with the school and if he is unhappy because of something the school is doing then it should be discussed.

YABU.

What you've described is clearly bullying. The school is doing the right thing by putting a stop to it.

Rather than challenging the school and sending a message to your son that what he did wasn't 'that bad', you should be working with the school to help your son make positive changes, so that today's primary school bully doesn't become tomorrow's secondary school bully or end up getting involved in other antisocial behaviour.

Encourage your son to make better friends. If he isn't already, try getting him involved in an activity that encourages children to have some discipline and to work as a team (a group sport, orienteering club, charity projects, etc). If he's academically able, he might be bored at school, or if he's struggling, that could be denting his self-esteem - either way, it could be worth speaking with his teacher to see if they have any advice about helping him develop academically.

Personally, I'd discourage any playdates with the other bullies. For his own sake, your son needs to get away from them.

What are the current consequences for him at home / out of school? He needs to learn that bullying is not tolerated anywhere.

I can't understand why you're not more upset by this OP? I would be utterly mortified if one of my DC had bullied another child, and I would be keeping a low profile at school, certainly not "going in all guns blazing" in defence of my bullying DC. You really do need to leave the school to deal with this in any way which they see fit.

Hopefully your DS will come to understand that this type of behaviour has consequences for him, although in your shoes I would be taking the time to ensure that he really understood the impact of his behaviour on the other child.

There are plenty of PPs on this thread who were bullied at that age and are still dealing with the memories of it 30 or more years later. It really does sound like you're down playing how serious bullying is.

There's more bullying on this thread than there was in the actual incident I imagine.

@BaconMassive quite and people can't see that
They are grown adults this was an 8 year old child

It was an 8 year old child, who, along with other 8 year old children, has bullied another child.
The school is dealing with it.
The mother is failing to see that her child (along with the others) is being monitored to ensure that such repugnant behaviour never happens again.

And nobody on this thread is doing to the child what HE and his friends did to their victim.

Also have none of you ever made a mistAke there are people on here who seem to think a child should live with this forever it should even follow him to secondary
There really is some quite bullying behaviour on this thread and some need to actually look at themselves a little
I guarantee most children have said or been horrible to another child at some point or other , maybe not bullying but could of still upset another child , left them out of a game etc not always reported etc
The OP has every right to know what the long term plan is for her son
And i find it quite sad that grown adults can't understand that 8 is still quite young and are basically saying this boy is now tarnished as a bully forever

Reading all your replies OP, the only thing that seems to really upset you here is that the other Mum told people what was going on. Your DS will learn a valuable lesson from being kept away for the other bullies and I for one , think it's great that the school has done what they have. You need to try and think about this from the other Mum's perspective, how angry she must feel. You need to stop trying to make excuses for your DS, your not helping him any.

3 weeks (so far) is hardly a lifetime, don't be so melodramatic.

And yes, many of us have witnessed the most appalling bullying situations which, if not nipped in the bud (which is what is happening here) can escalate dreadfully and leave the victims mentally scarred for life.

The OP certainly does have the right to know what the school is doing long term about her son's behaviour, and she should ask. In order that she can work with them and ensure it doesn't happen again.

@PAFMO have another ref through and your right CHilD
Some have been rudr to the OP
Said the child should have this behaviour recorded until secondary school etc etc
No apology should be accepted
The OP has a right to know what the plan is for her son as well, they are children all involved including the OP ds.
School obviously haven't conveyed what the long term plan is to the parents
But people are vilifying a child here for life , don't tell me that is not disgusting behaviour from adults that should know better

No they aren't.
They are, quite rightly, saying the behaviour was appalling. They have taken steps to ensure it isn't repeated. Problems with that?
A little word to the wise- primary schools absolutely inform (where necessary) the secondary school of issues like bullying. To protect the victims.
So, if the OP wants her son's foray into it to end at primary, she needs to work with the school.

@PAFMO for every one off incident they don't and no word to the wise mine have grown up and been through
The Op issue is the school are 't telling her she is hearing from her son not the school
And yes people have said things that aren't nice they are children also
Like I said every child would of been horrible to another at one time or other
Easy to just say to the OP go and speak to the school and find out what is the plan , and that maybe it is for the best they are kept apart for now as the behaviour was not acceptable and maybe the school are concerned it could start again etc etc not some of what has been written on here and i am not only one thinking it

The most important thing here is that OP's son learns once and for all that bullying won't be accepted. It's up to the school to teach that lesson and they are doing it by ensuring, at least for the foreseeable future, that the group responsible this time do not get the opportunity and may learn from the consequences of the choices they made. That isn't a bad thing.

The victim's mother is under no obligation whatsoever to accept an apology. Both my DC were bullied at school - in DD1's case I would have accepted an apology from the parents because they 100% came down on their DD and backed the school, and it never happened again. In DD2's case there was no way I would have accepted an apology as neither parents nor bully showed any remorse at all - they were just sorry they got caught.

Will anything, ever again, not be blamed on COVID lockdowns?

YABU by the way. Mostly because when your 8 year old says it, it's the gospel truth, but when another 8 year old says it, it's unreliable because they're only 8. I'm delighted to see a school taking such a tough stance on it - when I went to school it was all "oh, you should be flattered, he probably just fancies you".