WIBU to get involved with schools disciplinary process?

[throwawayname00]

Long story short.
Last term in my DS8 and a bunch of boys in his class were involved in some bullying of another child. it was reported and dealt with by the school.

Parents were called, kids were talked to and for the rest of that school term the 'bullying' boys were not allowed to play together. I personally felt that was a bit OTT but went with it.

We've gone back to school this term and DS has come home saying he still isn't allowed to play with the other boys, they are all being kept apart during class times, lunch times and play times.
And this was announced to them all by the teacher in front of the whole class with her saying "XYZ, you still aren't allowed to play together because I still can't trust you"

I'm intending to speak to the teacher at pick up or maybe just email the school directly.
I feel this has been dragged from one term into another by the teacher, i feel they were spoken to by teachers, head teacher and parents. They were kept apart for 2/3 weeks last term and it could have been left there.
And calling them out like that in front of their peer group is awful IMO.

I want to use this thread to check myself before I go in guns blazing.
WIBU to step in at this point?

@Nimbostratus100

So you don't think she should have apologised then?

They aren't remotely inappropriate

I'm not someone who is automatically on the teachers side however I don't think 2/3 weeks is very long given the circumstances. If at half term the decision remains then I would suggest asking for a meeting to discuss it but not having a go.

Your attitude makes it clear why you've raised a little bully. Poor kid never really had a chance.

My son behaves worse with a child in his class and I'm actively discouraging that friendship. Some combinations just don't work well.

@Nimbostratus100 is correct on the apology. OP shouldn’t have done it, it benefitted no one except her. And technically, it was harassment in the strict sense of the word.

But that's what is needed keep them separate to avoid bullying

Just FYI, harassment in law is a course of conduct on 2 or more occasions which the person ought to know the victim doesn't want. By not replying the first time, she made it quite clear that your contact was unwanted. It doesn't really matter whether you believe it's harassment or not. The offence would be made out in law.

Just own it that your son has bullied another child and that the school still think there are reasons to keep the boys apart! Now you're drip drip drip feeding with the letter to the Mum and now the WhatsApp group. You sound like a complete CF tbh that wanted to go to the school all guns blazing because your son isn't getting what he wants and came home whining about it. You should be embarrassed and asking the school how you can support and change the course of your sons behaviour. Simple as that.

The teacher is doing absolutely the right thing. You as a parent of a bully should be thinking about how best to encourage him to have other friends as clearly the dynamic with the previous ones wasn’t very positive.

That poor child and his parent/s. Nothing worse than a group of kids humiliating a singled out child. Then the bullys mother has the audacity to not approve of it being broadcast to others. Good for the other childs mother making it public, she shouldn't have to suffer in silence 🤷
People should raise their child to have compassion and empathy for others from day dot. That bullied child will remember how it feels, being targeted, for a long time. Glad to see a school acting upon it for a change!

I'm another one who thinks it's a good thing that the mother has told other parents about the bullying. Victims should not be silenced

DS sucks at apologising
Well colour me shocked.

We live in a time where people are generally meant to call out vile behaviour. How can you be surprised the victim and the mother didn't stay conveniently silent after meetoo and BLM.

I wonder what you'd say if someone told you you should keep quiet about your husband's abusive behaviour, that you have listed on a public forum.

"I think bullying was too strong a word tbh, between these boys the other kids coat was hidden, his lunch box thrown across the hall, he was chased around the playground."

"One of the bullies bit him"

These actions are bullying. If your son came home crying to you daily saying that a gang of boys were hiding his clothes, throwing his lunchbox around, chased about, bitten etc, you'd be fine with it would you?

You haven't even taken the time to consider how shit that kid feels, every day having to come into school wondering what he'll face today. Being singled out and picked on by a group is horrible and every boy involved should be thoroughly ashamed. Bullies like your son will only get worse if they're enabled by parents whose darlings can do no wrong and minimise their shitty behaviour as "boys will be boys" rather than taking responsibility for the fact that their child is making another child's school-life incredibly difficult.

OP as someone who was horribly bullied in school by a gang of kids at a similar age to the boy being bullied by your son, it has always stuck with me. I'm sure, like you, the parents of my bullies thought I was making it up too as no teachers witnessed the behaviour and it was simply my word against theirs.

I would have felt so much safer and happier (and in turn my education would have improved) while attending school if my school had taken the same action as your son's school clearly have.

Whether you want to admit it or not, you've raised a bully or a child that is so desperate to fit in with bullies that he will bully to make himself seem "cool" and rather than diminishing the actions of your son and his little gang, you should take this opportunity to teach him a valuable lesson - actions have consequences. If he doesn't want to be spoken about in front of the class, he should learn to be kinder, not to bully those who he has singled out as a target. You should get him to understand how the other child feels and how he would feel if his whole gang did the same things to him.

Justifying your son's mean actions but saying that the other child said "you'll never catch me!" What else is he supposed to say?! He's a young child being picked on daily and you're putting the blame on him for staying strong in the face of bullies? It really is scraping the barrel for excuses.

While your son and his gang aren't beating this child up on the daily, it still doesn't mean that these actions of being singled out, picked on and laughed at won't stick with this child for life. They'll be damaging his self esteem. At this age children are just figuring out their place in the world and your son and his gang will be telling this child that his place is as an outsider. That sort of shit stays with you for life and I can tell you that from first hand experience.

It is not an admission of poor parenting to admit that your child is in the wrong, but it is poor parenting to write it off as "nothing" and make every excuse under the sun to let your little darling continue with his behaviour towards others. Teach him not to bully, don't turn on the teachers who are doing your job for you and allowing that child to have a school environment which is safe and free from bullying. Once your son and his gang have shown that they have grown up enough to behave properly without singling people out to pick on, I'm sure they'll be allowed to spend time together again.

YABU. This separation is necessary and they have to learn actions have consequences, long term ones. You cannot blame covid for this behaviour.

What I can't grasp is why you aren't appalled at what your son did or have no empathy towards the bullied child.

What punishment at home did he receive for doing this?

She didn't say she found it utterly hilarious. She said that people reacting on thisxthread are acting AS IF she is findingvit hilarious.

Your kid’s a bully. It’s heartening to read about a school taking proper action regarding bullying, and working to protect the poor victim.

Let's look at it from the other lads perspective, he knows that he is now safe in school, imagine how he would feel if they allowed the bullies to play together again, I'd be terrified as a child
Long consequences for both sides , but your son invited it
You obviously have no measure the mental damage bullying does
Be a decent parent and support the school

I was bullied, mildly, at school. It still affects me to this day. The teacher telling your son that she can't trust him and his friends yet in front of the whole class is appropriate, in my opinion. The target of your son and his friends was, after all, humiliated in front of his peers when his lunch box was thrown across the dinner hall. The teacher didn't say anything malicious or make personal comments, but she did back up the victim of the bullying publicly. That's important.

I think you need to be looking at this with a wider and more long-term perspective. It's not just as simple as it being a one-time incident that should be punished and then moved on from. Ganging up on one child and chasing him, throwing his lunchbox around is horrific behaviour and will stay with that child for life. The school keeping that group apart is doing your son a huge favour: giving him the chance to be out of a toxic dynamic that enjoyed targeting someone for fun.

Support the school, and continue to help your son change and work on himself. There's no going back but you can improve on his future.

I know it must be hard to stomach, OP. I was bullied badly at school and I remember the girl’s mother being utterly mortified. But I wonder if the ‘public’ nature of the details of the bullying (WhatsApp, segregation at school) and the fact that it reflects badly on you is what is most upsetting to you?

This is bang on. The actions of the school here are more likely to be about protecting the victim and helping him feel safe, rather than continuing to punish the bullies as such. Look at things from the perspective of the bullied child, and realise how excellent it is that the group that bullied him is no longer allowed to play together. He will feel so much more safe. You'd want the same thing for your child, OP.

Any particular reason you want your DS to be friends with these boys? It sounds like he'd be better off with better friends.

The boy's mother doesn't sound like she's handling it terribly well, which is colouring your opinion of her son/the bullying.

I'm surprised that you rang her and made your son write a letter when

A) you say that the group were only doing what the other child was doing.
B) you say that nobody ever saw any bullying and it's all 'out of the mouths of babes'
C) you think 'bully is too strong a word'

Why did you make him apologise if you think he wasn't bullying anyone?

I approached the mum because she was publicising the entire thing on the group WhatsApp
What a shame she didn’t stay conveniently silent so nobody would know your son is a bully. It sounds like your “apology” was less of an apology and more of an attempt to stop her publicising the fact that your DS is a bully.