To have refused girly night with DD?

[JustAMum2023]

I suspect IABU, but am just so frustrated.

So as not to drip feed, here is the backstory:

DD14 has zero, and I mean ZERO interest in personal hygiene and appearances. Showers require bribes, she refuses to wash or brush her hair, skin is awful, loads of spots and blackheads but she won't use face wash or even wash it with a flannel. She puts on the the first thing she lays her hands on, regardless of the weather or situation. I don't insist she looks "Instagram ready" at all times, but showered, teeth cleaned, hair brushed and clean and tidy clothes is reasonable, surely?

So, in an effort to encourage her, the other night I said lets have a girly night tonight, showers, hair washed and conditioned, then we'd do face masks and manicures and pedicures, have some treat snacks and watch a movie. She went off to shower, all good. Comes out, having flooded the entire room, hair dripping wet, CLEARLY not shampooed and says shes ready for facemasks and treats. I said no, not till you've washed your hair and she hit the roof. Says she IS washing it and I'm just a horrible mum. I refused to budge, said no treats till her hair is washed AND she's sorted out the flooded bathroom. She went to her room and stayed there for the rest of the night.

DH says I should have backed down and I'll have made her worse now. I feel terrible. So WIBU? or am I right to insist on basic hygiene?

@Maray1967

Yes that's what I do now. I have a thousand of the little terry cloths from Cheeky Wipes by the sink that get used (with minimal hand touching if I can manage it) and then go straight in the wash. It took 32 years to get to that point. When I was 14/in my teens I used only face wipes, the very idea of a wet cloth (or indeed, water in general - although I can cope in a swimming pool if i go totally under, I dislike the splashing - touching my face was very hard no).

I think my point is that it took a very long time, lots of trial and error and a lot of beating myself up mentally to develop coping mechanisms to outwardly portray a 'normal' image. If I'm brutally honest, if I was left entirely to my own devices with no children or partner and no real need to leave the house, I would more than likely completely regress. It takes weeks to get myself back on the straight and narrow if I've been home ill for more than a day or two.

It's a lot better than dry shampoo.

You are right to make her have basic hygiene. But I think you may need to dig a little deeper, her reactions and what she's doing isn't normal. Have a heart to heart, find out if mentally she's OK and how can you help her, what's on her mind. Maybe she needs guidance on how to do the basic hygiene etc. Hope everything works out.

If she might be asd, try a different setting on the shower head. My ASD DS said some shower settings feel like needles on his skin 😱. Those rain shower heads seem OK, but any that give out bigger flows of water are good.

My DS also looks after his skin, he uses those black head tools etc.

I don't know about hair, my DS washes his no probs.

It sounds like she has sensory issues which you should have diagnosed so she can get the right help. Noone needs to know, noone needs a label, but a diagnosis is the only way to get help.

There's nothing worse when you're worried about your child, hatch a plan to tackle it and it goes badly. I hope you find a way through this OP, it sounds really tough. Don't be too hard on yourself.

Previous posters have mentioned some useful products so here are some of mine that make a shower more bearable:

A travel towel that absorbs moisture rapidly, dries quickly, easy to roll up. It’s perfect for wet hair so you don’t get wet cold drips down your neck.

Makeup remover/cleanser pads made of cloth. Made for eco friendly reasons but are great for those who can’t tolerate cotton wool.

A toweling dressing gown. Trying to wrap multiple towels around a cold wet body is frustrating and there could be the fear of the towel falling down and embarrassing situations.

Towels designated specifically for the floor. We retire our old towels and make them floor towels. So you can step out the shower and get as many drips on the floor as you want.

Bed head leave in conditioner. You add it after the washing and also works as a detangling serum. One less job in the shower and makes hair much more comfortable to brush.

Did it start suddenly or was she always disinterested in washing? If she used to wash then surely adhd / asd aren't the issues? But maybe it's only more noticeable with hormone changes.
Of course this might not be relevant at all but someone once told me that sexual abuse victims can avoid having good personal hygiene to make themselves less appealing. I know that's an extreme situation of course but I agree with pps that there's something much worse going on.

I’m surprised no one at school has mentioned it. That would of kicked her into action.

So you do realise she's probably ND and you choose to punish her for it even though she actively tried? Lovely.

My autistic children hate washing their hair. This stuff is a godsend www.boots.com/nilaqua-towel-off-shampoo-200ml-10219519?cm_mmc=bmm-buk-google-ppc--PLAs_HeroCompare--Toiletries_Hair-_-UK_Smart_Shopping_Toiletries_Hair&gclid=CjwKCAiAqt-dBhBcEiwATw-ggI2Vc8LXatopqujdyEU0H8SqM5f6uNrs9uufx4xeAsTiUW1V1pbIXhoCMaMQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds

You just run it onto the hair then run with a towel and it's like magic. See if she will use that.

If she's autistic then don't make it all a battleground. I insist on teeth being brushed once a day but 13yo DD showers once or twice a week at most. I encourage strip washes of pits and bits in between if she can manage it, and am strict about deodorant use and wearing clean clothes to minimise smell.

Sensory issues are hard, she needs support.

Try the Facebook group Gentle parenting for autistic children UK, I'm in it and find it really helpful for ideas that others have tried.

I haven’t rtft but my daughter (12) is autistic and we suspect adhd (assessment happening next month finally). She HATES the shower. It is a complete sensory nightmare for her. But her hair is so long that she can’t wash it properly in the bath. Getting her to have a bath and hair wash regularly is also a challange. We use a combination of negotiation, bath bombs, reward system, tough love and support.

So bath/shower hair wash nights are Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday. Sundays have to happen no negotiation you either shower yourself or mum does it for you. To make this more palatable she gets to use my “posh” toiletries, had a hair mask, face mask and foot spa afterwards (to help her re regulate) Tuesdays and Thursdays are negotiable and she can choose a nice bath bomb, electric candles, bubble bath ect.

because the expectation is there and she knows the demands are owning she is slowly getting better. We are still working on the teeth cleaning and use of deodorant however 😂😂😂

My DD is bright, has friends and seems functional to outsiders. She has ADHD and a symptom of this is a struggle with personal hygiene, alongside other things like disorganisation, messiness etc.

A few other symptoms DD has, in case you recognise these in your DD, as mine has only been recently diagnosed at 13, because girls often mask the symptoms:

*Difficulty remembering small details - exactly what was said in a conversation, or things asked of her

*breaks and loses things often

*hyper focus on things she's interested in - especially screen related things

*limited diet - often fussy about foods she's previously liked

*leaves cabinets and wardrobe doors open and is very messy and disorganised with her stuff

*impulsivity - says things without thinking, does things without thinking of consequences

*repeats the same behaviour - rewards and punishments have little effect

*forgetful

*trouble sleeping

*sensitivity to certain fabrics (hates socks), textures (food related) and sounds (hates the hairdryer)

These are some things I can think of offhand. If you recognise any of these things, as well as the lack of personal hygiene, you should push for a referral.

ADHD and autism traits and characteristics can change with (and interact with) age/stage/hormones. So yes, it can be ADHD/autism related even if it wasn’t always a characteristic in childhood. I hated hair washing/brushing/showering and teeth brushing pre puberty, but in my teen phase I developed a hatred of feeling sweaty or “sticky” which I would say was a combination of hormones, motivations of the teen phase (fitting in, not being bullied) and autistic sensory issues, this led to my parents tearing their hair out at how much time I spent in the shower! Little kids can obviously get away with less attention to personal hygiene than hormonal teens too, so what might not have been noticeable aversions in children become more so in pre teens and teens - body odour, skin problems, greasy hair, etc.

Lots of sensory stuff as an adult I didn’t have as a kid/teen and vice versa. The hating feeling “sticky” or sweaty has stayed since my teens. Summer heatwaves and me are not friends.

Are you sure she knows how look after herself hygiene wise? My teen boys had to be explained more than once the steps to washing their hair, their face, etc. Not long ago my 16 years old used face wash without rinsing and said he had read the instructions and they didn't mention rising! 🙄

Cleaning and hygiene are absolute red lines for me, my two youngest have tried to bend the rules but they have had their phones removed.

My daughter is autistic and just like this with personal hygiene. I think you are being mean.

She isn’t being mean, she’s being a parent. Personal hygiene is basic care, if OP wasn’t insisting on this then that is neglect.

@Roundabout78 but ut sounds like the DD is struggling with these things and OP is punishing her by withholding love basically. That sucks.

I disagree. It says she withheld pamper night, not love. The OP sounds like a struggling mum at the end of her tether. I have so much sympathy for her.

I think YABU as you’vE just made it all even more of a battle. Reasonable to expect her to mop up a flooded bathroom, but I would have let the hair go. It’s her body, if she wants to wash it without shampoo that’s up to her. I would have focused on the other things you had planned, maybe if you did nice pampering face masks or face scrubs and made it a regular routine you could then do a hair mask one week and could show her that self care doesn’t have to be awful and that it’s something you can enjoy together.

If washing her hair is such a chore though, would she consider cutting it so it’s easier to manage? I struggle with self care and I definitely find it harder when my hair starts getting longer and try to keep it above shoulder length.

I don’t think it’s withholding love. A treat (special pamper items) were offered as a reward for carrying out a basic task (washing). The dd tried to skip the task but still show up for the treat. She was asked to go and do the task properly by washing herself correctly. I don’t think it sounds like op was mean. I actually think it’s meaner to just turn the other cheek and let your child be dirty and scruffy.

Think she needs a mental health assessment