To have refused girly night with DD?

[JustAMum2023]

I suspect IABU, but am just so frustrated.

So as not to drip feed, here is the backstory:

DD14 has zero, and I mean ZERO interest in personal hygiene and appearances. Showers require bribes, she refuses to wash or brush her hair, skin is awful, loads of spots and blackheads but she won't use face wash or even wash it with a flannel. She puts on the the first thing she lays her hands on, regardless of the weather or situation. I don't insist she looks "Instagram ready" at all times, but showered, teeth cleaned, hair brushed and clean and tidy clothes is reasonable, surely?

So, in an effort to encourage her, the other night I said lets have a girly night tonight, showers, hair washed and conditioned, then we'd do face masks and manicures and pedicures, have some treat snacks and watch a movie. She went off to shower, all good. Comes out, having flooded the entire room, hair dripping wet, CLEARLY not shampooed and says shes ready for facemasks and treats. I said no, not till you've washed your hair and she hit the roof. Says she IS washing it and I'm just a horrible mum. I refused to budge, said no treats till her hair is washed AND she's sorted out the flooded bathroom. She went to her room and stayed there for the rest of the night.

DH says I should have backed down and I'll have made her worse now. I feel terrible. So WIBU? or am I right to insist on basic hygiene?

This is more than laziness/no interest. How is her mental health?

i totally understand your frustration but raising the conflict level is unlikely to make matters any better. I know it gets trotted out a lot but does she have any neurodivergence?
With hindsight a better approach would probably have been to carry on with your pamper evening and use the opportunity to chat about what she needs to do and why she finds it so hard and how she can build those habits.

I do understand your frustration but have you tried to find out why she has no interest in hygiene? My DD only washes her hair every 5 days when clearly it needs it more often but I've learnt to bite my tongue.

Have you had a chance to discuss it with her since?

It does sound like there is a bigger problem but in this instance I think you were a bit unreasonable. At least she engaged with the idea of the girly night- maybe you could have gently praised and encouraged her effort and it could have become a virtuous cycle- in this case, the her, it will have felt like just another instance of being scolded, maybe even somewhat shamed by you.

Op

there is a lot to unpick here.

namely I would be worried about my 14 year old girl as this lack of interest in her own personal hygiene is no doubt indicative of a lot more going on.

As for that her you should have accepted that the hair was not going to be washed and got on with the pamper session. Hell. Yes. I would have suggested I wash her hair like a hairdresser salon and apply a hair mask on her

I would be worried about her and want to know if something had happened.

Does she know HOW TO wash her hair etc?

One pamper night isn't going to fix this. There's something deeper at play here.

I think you need to sit and agree a core list of basics, in return for things like access to her phone/devices.

• Quick morning shower (no hair washing) first thing in the morning, every morning.
• Teeth and hair brushed
• Into clean clothes by an agreed time

She doesn't do these things, she doesn't get her phone.

Then, in addition to that, start talking. What is it she hates, what is it that's stopping her. How does she feel. Maybe she hates her body. Maybe she thinks she's worthless. Maybe she is depressed. Maybe she has SEN.

There are many possibilities why she acts this way. One evening of face packs isn't fixing it.

We strongly suspect asd/adhd, but as she's very bright, has friends and appears functional to outsiders, she won't get referred. She dislikes getting in and out of the shower, but quite enjoys it once she's in. As for her MH, its ok for now but I know how cruel teens can be and I want to help her. Sometimes she will let me wash it and brush it for her, then she refuses for weeks.

I don't want to make it into an issue, but at the same time I don't want to leave her to develop bad habits or become a target for bullies.

Absolutely agree with this. Strict boundaries, no compromise- washing is non negotiable then she gets her phone. Continue to explore the reasons why she doesn’t want to though:

And you’re right OP. Kids can be cruel, especially at that age.

@Goodgrief82 I did offer to wash her hair for her and she called me a weirdo and to stop babying her.

I think its sensory issues, but I'm unsure how to make them manageable? How can I make hair washing feel different?

how is she when it comes to hair cuts? How do you think she would feel about a weekly wash and blow at the hairdressers?

My DD only washes her hair every 5 days when clearly it needs it more often but I've learnt to bite my tongue.

Why would you bite your tongue instead of actually parenting your child and teaching her the importance of personal hygiene?

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz we already do this, the issue is that her hair is clearly not being washed as its still lank and greasy and doesn't smell of shampoo. She then brushes the bits that hang down the side of her face, ignores the rest and insists she had brushed it. The pamper night was a chance to show her how to do it properly, but it looks like I've ballsed it up.

Probably a mh problem here my 12yo DD was like this! Up until recently but took her on a nice holiday spoke to her regarding her anxiety etc and she’s doing much better covid has really had a impact..I would of tried ignoring the hair situation and skipped straight to the face mask atleast that would of been a step in the right direction and you could of said “look how nice this is!?” We should do it more often!

I think showing her how nice and how much better she would feel when these things are done is the only way forward!

Does she have an issue with how the shampoo and conditioner feel? You can buy a no rinse foam shampoo and conditioner, would that be something you could try for her?
Do you only have a shower or does she always dislike baths?
When she brushes her hair does she feel a lot pain?

Agree that some face masks and snacks aren’t going to fix this. Don’t use food and bonding time as reward/punishment for something like this - it just makes a sensitive issue even more loaded.

Take a look at silicone scalp/shampoo brushes on Amazon - she might like one of those. And share some YouTube videos of how to shampoo and condition your hair. She might not really know how to do it herself.

Agree that sitting down and agreeing a commitment to the basics in return for access to her phone and wifi etc. is a better way to go.

I get the connection with lack of hygiene with hair/nails type thing but I was fine with hygiene as a l child/teen but was not into hair, make-ups, nails 'girly' things

So maybe do something she is into like horse riding, watching sport, bowling, going to a cafe or whatever

And encourage it that way

I would contact your Healthy Families Team, even if your DD does not want to be referred they will have tips and ideas.

Rather than trying to fight her have you tried figure out what she's so disinterested? Or what's so much of a struggle for her? It doesn't sound entirely typical.

I’ve got ADHD and a shower isn’t my fav either. I have one every day but I rarely think ooo I love this unless it’s in a big posh hotel shower. I’ve also got long thick hair so washing and drying my hair takes ages!

I listen to podcasts in the shower to distract me, don’t have any fruity/heavily scented products and accept some days a quick 5 minute shower so I don’t stink is all I can manage. Does she choose her own products? Could you find compromises e.g. a few hair styles for greasy hair but regular body showers, etc.

How often are you expecting her to wash her hair? I get that cleaning the grease is important but it being lank and not smelling of shampoo doesn't actually matter does it?

Pick you battles ..and celebrate the small wins, as the big ones will come. You should have continued your girlie night.

DD is 16, “high functioning” ASD.. a we have been through exactly the same. I use to buy her a nice bath bomb when I was out, or ask her if she could help me with a face mask - and then she would do one herself, or we would go shopping and I’d suggest are picked herself some shampoo etc. She went a long time in lockdown without a shower, but, we just had to leave it .. repeatedly asking got us precisely nowhere.

Shes much better now, a little bit the other way .

Plus it’s her hair, and her skin .. give her the autonomy to decide what she does with it. For my daughter giving the responsibility, and stepping back, made a massive difference