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AIBU?

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Original poster

Partner can't forgive me

147 replies

Throwawaytype · 05/01/2023 07:22

Posting here as well as relationships for traction as really need advice.

I haven't cheated and it's hard to explain without going into too much detail but my partner and i had very strong differing opinions on an important parenting issue regarding safety, that he did not feel was an issue.

Ultimately I went over his head and made a decision that now can't be taken back but I am very at peace with the decision and know it's the right one.

He is so angry with me, he is being verbally abusive to me all day in front of our 10 month old DD even when I ask him to stop.

He tells me I've embarrassed him, many awful things about my past and family, tells me I'm ugly and points out features on me that I am not comfortable with.

I am no angel and have been drawn into this and have said some things back but the issue is he won't talk to me. He has a front up and whenever I try and talk properly he tells me to F off.

How do I handle this? How do I get him to talk and listen and what do I do when I go downstairs in a minute and I'm inevitably ignored and spoken to like crap in front of my baby again. I know he needs time to feel how he feels but it's draining me.

I have no money to leave and no family to stay with. I'm stuck here

OP posts:
LaLuz7 · 05/01/2023 07:24

It's going to be impossible to receive pertinent advice if you don't tell us what exactly the safety issue was.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 05/01/2023 07:25

You can go to a refuge, or get support from a domestic abuse service to get housed in another area. This is domestic abuse and you need to leave.

KangarooKenny · 05/01/2023 07:26

Thread posted in two places.

EVHead · 05/01/2023 07:26

Why does he feel embarrassed? Was the disagreement public?

How are discussions generally, when you disagree? Do you listen well to each other?

Original poster
Throwawaytype · 05/01/2023 07:27

KangarooKenny · 05/01/2023 07:26

Thread posted in two places.

Yes I put this at the top. Is this not allowed?

OP posts:
Original poster
Throwawaytype · 05/01/2023 07:28

EVHead · 05/01/2023 07:26

Why does he feel embarrassed? Was the disagreement public?

How are discussions generally, when you disagree? Do you listen well to each other?

It was a disagreement that his family was part of. I had to step in regarding a safety issue and speak up and he now thinks they all think I'm awful and it's embarrassing to him

OP posts:
RudsyFarmer · 05/01/2023 07:30

There is no reason that would justify verbally abusing you.

NameChagaiiiin · 05/01/2023 07:31

Throwawaytype · 05/01/2023 07:28

It was a disagreement that his family was part of. I had to step in regarding a safety issue and speak up and he now thinks they all think I'm awful and it's embarrassing to him

Show quote history

There's got to be more to this story than a parenting styles disagreement...

If he's being abusive, there are organisations in place to help you leave.

How has he been in the past regarding discussion over certain topics?

rwalker · 05/01/2023 07:33

If you want advice people need the full facts

Sux2buthen · 05/01/2023 07:34

Car seat?

SebastiansLeg · 05/01/2023 07:35

@Throwawaytype I would report this post and get it removed. The relationships board where you posted too gets a lot of replies and is probably better placed for it. On MN there is usually just one post not multiple.

ClubhouseGift · 05/01/2023 07:36

Well it depends entirely on what the issue is. We cannot judge without that.

NeedToChangeName · 05/01/2023 07:37

Impossible to comment without knowing what the issue was

But, even if you undermined him etc, that no excuse for him verbally abusing you, calling you ugly etc

FWIW, we agreed early on that in the event of disagreement, we would always take the safer / cautious route

5128gap · 05/01/2023 07:37

LaLuz7 · 05/01/2023 07:24

It's going to be impossible to receive pertinent advice if you don't tell us what exactly the safety issue was.

Why? Are there some safety issues you can disagree about that make it justifiable to verbally abuse your partner and call them ugly in front of their child, and others where this would be unacceptable?

MithrilCostsMore · 05/01/2023 07:40

What was the issue?

5128gap · 05/01/2023 07:41

OP, the safety issue isn't relevant to whether his treatment of you is OK. Its absolutely not OK to resort to personal jnsults in any disagreement. Anybody who handles conflict in this way is at best too immature to function in a relationship and at worst abusive. The fact that you had such as strong conflict regarding your child's wellbeing is an issue too. Whoever is right or wrong in that, you're clearly chasms apart in your approach, and this will likely reoccur if there are similar issues in future.

KingJulien · 05/01/2023 07:42

Why is everyone so hung up on the details of the argument? Regardless of who was right or wrong, his behaviour is pretty awful and the verbal abuse and name calling is completely unacceptable.

Fadeout83 · 05/01/2023 07:43

It’s irrelevant what the issue is. It doesn’t justify the treatment. I’d think carefully about next steps. Assume he would continue this treatment of you when DD is older, setting an awful example of what she can expect as a woman in a relationship. Leave him.

Fadeout83 · 05/01/2023 07:43

KingJulien · 05/01/2023 07:42

Why is everyone so hung up on the details of the argument? Regardless of who was right or wrong, his behaviour is pretty awful and the verbal abuse and name calling is completely unacceptable.

Because people are nosy and want all the gory details for their enjoyment.

Littlefidget2 · 05/01/2023 07:44

I very much suspect it's vaccinations.

PinkyFlamingo · 05/01/2023 07:46

I understand people can have disagreements re parenting but this reaction is completely ott.i would be very surprised if this was the first time either.

Poodleporn · 05/01/2023 07:47

It's going to be about vaccinations

MorrisZapp · 05/01/2023 07:48

I've never understood the MN concept of 'undermining' a partner about parenting. Who knows how any adult is going to respond to a parenting issue until they get there? If my DP is doing something I don't agree with or is downright dangerous then I will bloody well say so. My child is my top priority and a grown man can sort himself out. Boo hoo re any 'undermining', if he can't articulate exactly why he's right then he can zip it.

Like hell will I become a nodding dog because I'm a parent.

ShakespearesBlister · 05/01/2023 07:48

KingJulien · 05/01/2023 07:42

Why is everyone so hung up on the details of the argument? Regardless of who was right or wrong, his behaviour is pretty awful and the verbal abuse and name calling is completely unacceptable.

Now the thread filling up with unhelpful speculation.

Car seat.

Vaccinations.

Arson.

Etc......

SmileyClare · 05/01/2023 07:51

Agree with others: there’s no justification for this level of emotional abuse.

In the uk, ongoing psychological abuse in a relationship is now a criminal offence.

Contact Womens Aid for advice when he’s not in the house.

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