Partner can't forgive me

[Throwawaytype]

Posting here as well as relationships for traction as really need advice.

I haven't cheated and it's hard to explain without going into too much detail but my partner and i had very strong differing opinions on an important parenting issue regarding safety, that he did not feel was an issue.

Ultimately I went over his head and made a decision that now can't be taken back but I am very at peace with the decision and know it's the right one.

He is so angry with me, he is being verbally abusive to me all day in front of our 10 month old DD even when I ask him to stop.

He tells me I've embarrassed him, many awful things about my past and family, tells me I'm ugly and points out features on me that I am not comfortable with.

I am no angel and have been drawn into this and have said some things back but the issue is he won't talk to me. He has a front up and whenever I try and talk properly he tells me to F off.

How do I handle this? How do I get him to talk and listen and what do I do when I go downstairs in a minute and I'm inevitably ignored and spoken to like crap in front of my baby again. I know he needs time to feel how he feels but it's draining me.

I have no money to leave and no family to stay with. I'm stuck here

Well if you can't leave your choices are fairly limited. You can try ignoring him, withdrawing every time he starts, arguing back or apologising. But it's no way to live.

Well I think as OP mentions it on an AIBU thread with a title about partner not forgiving her over this thing, so obviously people are going to wonder about what this thing is that OP is not being forgiven for.

But I agree it is not the point, but it is the OP that has put the emphasis on one incident, whereas the real issue is the abuse that OP is being subjected to.

I doubt it's vaccinations. Why would going to get them even if he didn't want her to 'embarrass' him? Anti-vaxxers have very strong views, 'cus it's embarrassing' is not one of them.

You've been safety aware for your child. What are you going to do about the verbal abuse they're now exposed to? I'm not saying LTB, but live out for a bit right now at least.

OP, it doesn't matter what the thing is, he is behaving inexcusably. Is this his normal method of dealing with problems? It's unacceptable in a relationship and you should not allow it to continue. You can't bring your DD up in an atmosphere of abuse like this.

You’re a victim of coercive control. This is how it works;

You use your own judgment on a situation or act without his direction- you’re punished with silent treatment or abuse.

You learn that you must submit to his control completely to avoid further “punishments”

He will seek to isolate you and the abuse will escalate until you don’t have any confidence to leave.

He will treat you as his possession and exert complete control over you and your daughter, by using fear and manipulation.

Womens Aid will help you to escape and guide you through the process of claiming benefits you’re entitled to and finding a place to live.
You have that option.

Maybe the OP is antivax?

Was it about a dog? Anyway, you are definitely not being unreasonable, nothing excuses his verbal abuse. Get advice from Women's Aid.

I can see why someone anti vax and vocal about it would claim to be embarrassed by their partner having their child vaccinated. It just the kind of emotive, ridiculous language that they would use.

Whatever it is the partner's behaviour is totally unacceptable.

The op said she had made a decision that couldn't be taken back. I highly doubt it was to NOT have a child vaccinated.

I don't know why op won't say. It's not exactly outing, is it and just leads to speculation.

Hold your ground here. Speak firmly to him so he knows you are no pushover. No shouting or swearing from you, just firm talking. Keep it brief and to the point. Tell him it is totally unacceptable for him to abuse you in way, but there is no way you are changing your mind on this issue because your child’s safety comes first. Look after your DC and ignore him after that.
Seek support if the situation does not improve.
My child ended up in A&E because I did not stand my ground firmly over DH having baby on the sofa with him when he was tired. Cue baby rolling off caravan seating and banging the back of his head at 6 months old. Fortunately he was fine but I wish the accident and the subsequent bollocking I gave DH had never happened.

I am no angel

I'm always curious when people post this, it is a potentially very loaded few words.

Whatever the issue is, when there are safety issues always go with the more cautious way, whether over car seats, toddler foods and choking risk, whether grandparents are capable of childminding etc - family hurt feelings or comments that you’re being silly/overprotective do not trump safety for your child.

Indeed. And the child has two parents. OP isn’t automatically right though her DP is taking things too far by calling her ugly etc.

This tpye of behaviour would make me extremly cautious about the future of my relationship and my family. Is this his true colours now coming through ? Will this be the reaction every time something doesnt go his or his families way?

If the safety issue potentially puts your child at risk then theres an issue there, if you or him were responsible if something bad happened. that needs addressing.

I would get ready for the day and go out with you child. if your partner is at home then i would just get out for the day or else it will just be a screaming match and thats not fair on your child.

You need to seek support, get yourself into a position were you could leave if you needed/wanted to. But sadly i would expect this to happen all over again and if you are both giving each other grief then you need to decide what the future holds

His reaction towards you is dreadful, the issue was regarding a disagreement on safety & he’s turned it into unrelated personal attacks?
at best he’s seriously immature but really he’s an abusive bully who can’t handle not having control in front of his family.
I’m not saying leave, I don’t know you’re circumstances & only you know how much you’re prepared to put up with but a controlling abusive husband it isn’t much of a stretch to become a controlling abusive father, is this how he’ll deal with disappointing behaviour from your child as a teen? Belittling, attacking their appearance & silent treatment? You & your baby deserve better. I really hope you’re okay

NO, you do not need the details of the issue . She doesn't want to go into it SO STOP ASKING AND JUST GIVE ADVICE TO AN ABUSED WOMAN.

I agree with the poster that said to move this to the relationship board. AIBU is a very problematic board!

There is no justification for abuse.

You've got no money
Has he been financially abusing you? Or what's the case here? I just don't understand how women put their-selves in situations like this. Never ever be fully dependent on a man financially for situations just like this one.

There is still hope. Ring women's aid and i'm sure they'll be able to find temporary shelter for you and provide more useful advice.

Good luck OP x

How pathetic that this man cannot grow up but instead you both chose to verbally abuse watch other in front of your baby. The irony is over a safety issue

the first three years of a child’s life are the most important in terms of emotional development so do be more considerate

also why can’t you reason with this man?

what safety issue?

Abused women often say this. Their partners tell them all the time that the abuse is down to their behaviour pushing the abuser to it. After a while it becomes internalised.

Your partner is entitled to be upset that you went over his head and made an important decision about your child without coming to an agreement beforehand.
However, it sounds like you were never going to agree on this matter and you’ve done what you think is best for your child.
I have no idea who is right and who is wrong but I’m not sure there’s a way forward from this. Being verbally abusive to you is never acceptable and he’s handling his anger in a very destructive way. It does also sound like he’s behaving like this more because his pride has been damaged and you’ve defied him rather than the actual issue which is a massive red flag.
If you can’t agree how to raise your child together and he’s unable to discuss differences of opinions rationally, I doubt the relationship can work long term. It sounds tough. Sorry op.

Guess what? It doesn’t matter what you’ve done. There is no excuse for domestic abuse. Take the baby out for the day and call women’s aid and refuge for advice and help.
You don’t deserve to be emotionally abused. I don’t care what the reason is.

Very vague op can’t you just explain exactly what the disagreement was? As that’s key here?! However No justification speaking to you like that I would be heading to a woman’s refuge!

I think the issue does matter.
If, for example, the OP had their child circumcised against her partners will then it is pretty unforgivable and cannot be taken back so I can understand how frustrated and powerless he might feel. I would if my DH went over my head. He perhaps feels that this sets the tone and he's feelings will never be taken into consideration when parenting his child.
Also - timescales - if he has been like this for 24hrs as opposed to 24 days.

You are asking for advice but, only giving half a story.

The response for everyone you will receive will totally depend on what you class as the safety issue. You could in theory be talking about something like - driving i car without a carseat or you might be talking about going on a swing in a park!!??

Absolutely this