Partner can't forgive me

[Throwawaytype]

Posting here as well as relationships for traction as really need advice.

I haven't cheated and it's hard to explain without going into too much detail but my partner and i had very strong differing opinions on an important parenting issue regarding safety, that he did not feel was an issue.

Ultimately I went over his head and made a decision that now can't be taken back but I am very at peace with the decision and know it's the right one.

He is so angry with me, he is being verbally abusive to me all day in front of our 10 month old DD even when I ask him to stop.

He tells me I've embarrassed him, many awful things about my past and family, tells me I'm ugly and points out features on me that I am not comfortable with.

I am no angel and have been drawn into this and have said some things back but the issue is he won't talk to me. He has a front up and whenever I try and talk properly he tells me to F off.

How do I handle this? How do I get him to talk and listen and what do I do when I go downstairs in a minute and I'm inevitably ignored and spoken to like crap in front of my baby again. I know he needs time to feel how he feels but it's draining me.

I have no money to leave and no family to stay with. I'm stuck here

It’s not relevant what the issue was. If it was life-or-death important, and OP made the wrong choice, he should take action to get it reversed or ameliorated. If as seems likely it wasn’t, he is just being abusive.

He is so angry with me, he is being verbally abusive to me all day in front of our 10 month old DD even when I ask him to stop. He tells me I've embarrassed him, many awful things about my past and family, tells me I'm ugly

No one should should have to listen to that. It is verbal abuse and OP shouls contact Women’s Aid.

There’s not nearly enough context to help you. It sounds like you are being abused.

If he is that belligerent it doesn’t sound like there is anything you can possibly say to calm him down and make him stop verbally assaulting you.

I suggest getting in touch with a women’s shelter. I know it’s hard and scary especially with a baby so small but you need to reach out for help. Abuse doesn’t have to be black eyes and bruises. If you were protecting your baby from danger than you protected them from an abusive situation as well I suspect. You can also call the police. There are secret hidden women’s shelters that cannot be googled that they can take you to. A social worker can help you get the funds you need to support yourself and your baby until you are back on your feet. Good luck.

I second shybeauty's advice. If you are unable to share more information on here then please consider searching online for resources but be sure to ensure that you use VPN and a private browser.

Why ask for advice and only give half the details?

The argument is irrelevant. The main problem you have is that you have an abusive partner.

Ignore the fool in the thread telling you that it's your job to fix him. It's your job to protect yourself and your baby. When he goes out, call Women's Aid. Start making a list on your phone of what you need to pack. If at any point he gets physically abusive, call the police.

Why ask for advice and only give half the details?

What difference does it make? What could she have done that makes it alright for him to shout at her in front of their baby and call her ugly?

If he's being verbally abusive, emotionally or physically abusive tell him to stop. If he doesn't phone women's aid.they will help you get out with your dd To a safe place.

And then not come back and engage with anyone here...

Not sure how and why some are commenting as no one other than the OP here knows whats going on

Was it something to do with vaccinations? Its hard to give opinions when we don't know what you disagreed about.

As others have said OP it's hard to give advice or opinions with such little information. I'm assuming it's something that can't be reversed that you've done rather than not done eg circumscision/fgm or vaccinations but if it could be you've cut your daughter's hair very short and he doesn't like it.
If its something big YBU to not be open about it but if that's the only way you felt you could do what's right for your child the then YANBU. Going forward are there going to he other clashes? If it's cultural you really need to consider if your relationship can survive.

Why do you need the details? Can you think of any circumstance that would make his abuse acceptable? Because I can’t.

I'm going to assume it's something like his family were going to transport dc in the car without a car seat and you stepped in. You know that's never ok and I can see why you'd have no regrets.

At the end of the day, you can't make him forgive you. Are you sure that he's not mad because he disagrees with you rather than mad because you argued with his family ? Those are very different scenarios.

Or family childcare, and you have booked nursery instead.

Thanks all for replies. My partner is from a different culture and his upbringing women have always been lesser. He does usually not feel this way now and has up to date values but I think the fact I made a decision without him has made this rear it's ugly head and on too of it called out his family.
I really don't want to go into details of the safety issue but it is one that I am confident most of you would agree with and I am also following the official advice.
I am going to try and talk to him again because we can't keep living like this

Thanks for updating OP. I never doubted that you did the right thing for the safety of your child.

But you definitely need to start planning your exit as he has shown his face and he won't just stop being abusive.

Wishing you all the best x

Sounds awful OP. if it is something like baby vaccinations, then its hardly as if theres a compromise to be had. One of you had to make the decision and you were legally entitled to make it.

He has now turned full on abusiv e. Which is seperate to the original issue. I couldnt come back from those words

Cultural differences can only go so far as existing vile behaviour and then it’s time to leave. If this “creature” continues to rear its head then you will need to make some very hard decisions. Abusive behaviour often surfaced in men after a baby is born. This is a very unmoving statistic worldwide. If your child is a boy then they will grow up to be abusive. If your child is a girl then they will grow up with no boundaries and either struggle a lot like myself while dating or marry into yet more abuse. So don’t give him much leeway to continue this.

If you think he can be reasoned with then there is no time to spare you MUST put your foot down immediately and let him know that this can never repeat itself. I mean it. These things have to be stopped before they can make roots. I know from experience dating an abusive boyfriend.

You need to make it clear to him that if it does not stop he will lose you. If that doesn’t sway him or you are too afraid to stand up for yourself then that in and of itself is a huge red flag. You cannot reason with him then you cannot be in a healthy relationship. You have been warned.

Unfortunately with some people who have been brought up in misogynistic cultures having children brings these attitudes to the fore
You can expect much more of this

You need to tell him “This behaviour is absolutely unacceptable. You are a father now. Your culture is no excuse to verbally abuse me and your child. If you do not stop then I will walk out and never look back. I will not let you teach my child that it is okay to treat women this way.”

If he truly cares about you then he will stop right there and talk to you CALMLY.” If that doesn’t calm him down then you need to keep your promise.

This abuse is a taste of the punishment you’ll receive if you ever prioritise your child’s welfare (or your own needs) over your husband’s authority, and the authority of his family.

Regardless of culture, systematic bullying of a spouse in this way to force you into submission is a criminal offence in this country.
Thankfully this type of abuse is recognised here and taken seriously- there is help and support available to you should you wish to leave.

His actions are indefensible and YOU are the one that needs to decide if he can be forgiven.

I suspect his attitude is deeply ingrained and he’s unlikely to change if his authority is challenged again.

Thank you for your update, I hope you didn’t mind I considered both of you could be making decisions based on your cultures (I for example have friends from different cultures, and for some circumcising (which was what came to mind for me) is considered really important, more in recent years for societal pressure, I don’t actually know many from my generation (32) who have or plan to : because it does fit the very low risk, and it’s usually done when the kids are young ; obviously you have a DD, it was just the general idea that some people still consider it an actual safety precaution (and I admit I have no clue, as I mentioned the few I know who did just basically wanted their family to shut up and the younger you do it I think it’s actually less risk or pain ; anyway that was the general idea)

I’m really glad to hear you acted in the best interest of your child’s safety.
As for the future of the relationship, it seems a bit complicated. If it’s something like vaccines it’s going to come up for ages. I don’t feel able to comment to be honest.
Im only a recent international student, but couldn’t you get more help if you can very clearly justify your case by a necessary important safety step ?
I might also try to record some of the fights, to prove his reaction.
Sorry I don’t know the English system well.