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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner can't forgive me

147 replies

Throwawaytype · 05/01/2023 07:22

Posting here as well as relationships for traction as really need advice.

I haven't cheated and it's hard to explain without going into too much detail but my partner and i had very strong differing opinions on an important parenting issue regarding safety, that he did not feel was an issue.

Ultimately I went over his head and made a decision that now can't be taken back but I am very at peace with the decision and know it's the right one.

He is so angry with me, he is being verbally abusive to me all day in front of our 10 month old DD even when I ask him to stop.

He tells me I've embarrassed him, many awful things about my past and family, tells me I'm ugly and points out features on me that I am not comfortable with.

I am no angel and have been drawn into this and have said some things back but the issue is he won't talk to me. He has a front up and whenever I try and talk properly he tells me to F off.

How do I handle this? How do I get him to talk and listen and what do I do when I go downstairs in a minute and I'm inevitably ignored and spoken to like crap in front of my baby again. I know he needs time to feel how he feels but it's draining me.

I have no money to leave and no family to stay with. I'm stuck here

OP posts:
Youcancallmeirrelevant · 05/01/2023 09:30

I'm guessing car seats

JellyInMyBrain · 05/01/2023 09:35

Op don't let pp guilt trip you to share more than you are comfortable with. You don't have to be wnyoneo.orning entertainment.

Irrespective of whether you were justified to go behind his back or not there are two issues here:

  1. Incompatible parenting: since this concerns a safety issue it's quite a big deal. I'm assuming you think that he hasn't put your dd's well being first. In the future will you be able to ensure her safety and well being if you disagree so much?
  1. Irrespective of what you have done he should not be verbally abusive.
Itschristmastimeinthecity · 05/01/2023 09:37

LaLuz7 · 05/01/2023 09:19

Exactly. The context absolutely matters.

If my partner took our son to be circumcised against my wishes, verbal abuse would be the least of his worries. And would be totally warranted. With a side of divorce papers.

If OP took the kid to get vaccinations, he's 100% in the wrong and absolutely despicable.

You cannot reasonably judge unless you know the specifics.

Show quote history

I would like you to read back your post and particularly focus on some of the wording that you used.

Your post is directly saying that there are merits to abuse.

I pray to God you're not a woman. This is embarrassing to say the least.

Gazelda · 05/01/2023 09:40

OP, how long has this been going on? Have you spoken to friends/family about it?

You sound lonely but also determined. Use that energy to seek support to find a resolution.

You cannot be expected to live under this abuse. It either stops or you leave.

Hellno44 · 05/01/2023 09:42

Littlefidget2 · 05/01/2023 07:44

I very much suspect it's vaccinations.

Me too. If its a medical thing parents should really be on the same page. However, he shouldn't be being abusive. I think you should approach woman's aid for support. Personally,I'd LTB your kid doesn't need to see that shit.

Hankunamatata · 05/01/2023 09:44

Well he is obviously extremely cross and in no place to talk so I'd leave him alone for a while.

Sparklfairy · 05/01/2023 09:45

Throwawaytype · 05/01/2023 07:28

It was a disagreement that his family was part of. I had to step in regarding a safety issue and speak up and he now thinks they all think I'm awful and it's embarrassing to him

Show quote history

So he's angry that you embarrassed him? Is his ego that fragile?

helpfulperson · 05/01/2023 09:55

If you just went ahead and overrode him he is entitled to be cross and even angry.

But what matters is how he demonstrates that and the way he is doing so is abusive even if he was right and you were wrong.

I agree with others who have said you need to start looking at how to separate from this man.

Dramaalpacas · 05/01/2023 09:55

If you’re married to an anit-vaxxer then don’t walk - run.

Bertha21 · 05/01/2023 10:05

It’s irrelevant what the issue was. Couples disagree all the time. Would he consider counselling with you? If that’s what you want. Verbal abuse isn’t ok. You both need to have similar beliefs for the relationship to work.

UnfinishedBusiness · 05/01/2023 10:07

I’m guessing it’s either car seats or someone giving baby whole grapes or other chokeable food if it was something involving the in laws. Regardless of what the issue (or nonissue) was, the way he is treating you is totally unacceptable and abusive. Contact women’s aid for support and advice on your options op. Do you really want your child watching this repeated over and over, every time you disagree on something?

BabyOnBoard90 · 05/01/2023 10:11

Sounds like some details are being obfuscated

Boating123 · 05/01/2023 10:11

I hate being curious - can you tell us what the fallout was about?

Make plans to leave if he is nasty to you on a regular basis. If he is usually nice and just really upset about something you did then stay. It sounds like you gave as good as you got.

pinkyredrose · 05/01/2023 10:17

Get rid of him

EilonwyWithRedGoldHair · 05/01/2023 10:21

1001Daffodils · 05/01/2023 09:09

I agree this is about vaccinations. If either one of you is anti-vaxxer there isn't a way to resolve this amicably.

If you're the anti-vaxxer and you're preventing your child from being vaccinated for any reason other than a registered NHS doctor telling you not to administer them for clear medical reasons I can see the reason for the hostile language...and frankly I'd be hard pressed to defend you in that case.

That would be no reason to verbally abuse and swear at OP, particularly in front of their child. Making personal comments about appearance, and about things you know the person is insecure about is not an acceptable way to deal with anti-vax views or anything else.

tattygrl · 05/01/2023 10:26

This is abuse - leave. For the sake of yourself and your child.

As others have said, contact Women's Aid.

Life can and will be better than this, OP, much better.

SpringsRightAroundTheCorner · 05/01/2023 10:27

Depends on what it was? The fact you won't say suggested you might be in the wrong. It's obviously not OK to verbally abuse you, but why is he so mad? Is it a cultural thing, I only ask as you mention his family and you disagreeing with them all. Was the thing considered safe in their culture but not yours?

BobDear · 05/01/2023 10:29

I agree it sounds anti-vax related but I suspect the OP has administered the vaccine and she notes that the 'decision can't now be taken back'.

If this is the case, you need to point out to him that one of you was going to 'lose' that battle. It's not something you can compromise on. It's a hard win/lose and one of you was going to be furious and upset by the outcome. It just happens to be him as you ultimately went ahead and made the choice you made in order to be the best parent you could be.

All that aside, his behaviour and treatment of you is vile. At this point, I would ask him how long he plans to keep this disgusting behaviour up so that you can make a decision around whether you and your baby stay in the house. You If you can leave for a few days, I would. He needs to have the bar set that this is not acceptable otherwise you are in for a lifetime of it.

Godlovesall26 · 05/01/2023 10:36

It depends who thinks they took the safer approach ?

I mean if it’s something like circumcised or vaccine it’s not exactly the same ime.

I don’t think there’s much we can say without at least knowing who thinks they took the safer approach (maybe just answer via government guidelines if you don’t want to specify what exactly the issue is ?)

Dreamwhisper · 05/01/2023 10:49

Whatever the issue is OP it's not really relevant. If you said he was so mad at you he couldn't speak to you etc, there might be some nuance/grey area, maybe the context of what the issue is would even start to matter.

The point is he's being abusive. I've been with my partner for 10 years and had 3 dc, in that time we've had some genuine arguments as you can imagine. Neither of us have ever personally insulted each other or been actively nasty to each other, especially about any other issues than the actual subject of the argument.

It sounds like in addition to being angry (which can be justifiable), he is also making a calculated effort to grind down your self esteem, either just to hurt you or to see if he can make you bend on whatever decision it is that's been made.

That is the real issue here. I don't think you can safely stay with him unfortunately. Like you said, if he's willing to treat you like this in front of your child, what else will come out of the woodwork?

Dreamwhisper · 05/01/2023 10:53

Sorry I feel like the crux of my point is, even if what you've done is something he deems objectively in the wrong, his treatment of you is unacceptable.

And to be fair, if it's something like circumcision, perhaps his permanent anger that he doesn't have to forgive you for, means you can't have a healthy relationship together.

As in, he has done something unforgivable, and perhaps you have also done something unforgivable to him. It's not going to work out.

Dreamwhisper · 05/01/2023 10:54

I hope to god it's not FGM, circumcision is pretty bad IMO as well.

Dreamwhisper · 05/01/2023 10:56

And no the OP doesn't have to share what it was, but she should take 2 things away from this thread:

  1. she needs to leave her partner anyway because of his behaviour
  2. her partner might, separate to his abusive behaviour, be justified in being so angry and upset, depending on what the issue is.
Dreamwhisper · 05/01/2023 10:57

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 05/01/2023 09:30

I'm guessing car seats

The OP says it's a decision that can't be taken back so I doubt it's car seats. It's some kind of procedure that has been done to the child, or perhaps a report against a family member on the DP's side of suspected abuse?

Calphurnia88 · 05/01/2023 11:03

He is so angry with me, he is being verbally abusive to me all day in front of our 10 month old DD even when I ask him to stop.

He tells me I've embarrassed him, many awful things about my past and family, tells me I'm ugly and points out features on me that I am not comfortable with.

A disagreement over safeguarding isn't justification for any of the above, which is abuse by the way.

Do you have family or friends IRL you can speak to about this?