Partner can't forgive me

[Throwawaytype]

Posting here as well as relationships for traction as really need advice.

I haven't cheated and it's hard to explain without going into too much detail but my partner and i had very strong differing opinions on an important parenting issue regarding safety, that he did not feel was an issue.

Ultimately I went over his head and made a decision that now can't be taken back but I am very at peace with the decision and know it's the right one.

He is so angry with me, he is being verbally abusive to me all day in front of our 10 month old DD even when I ask him to stop.

He tells me I've embarrassed him, many awful things about my past and family, tells me I'm ugly and points out features on me that I am not comfortable with.

I am no angel and have been drawn into this and have said some things back but the issue is he won't talk to me. He has a front up and whenever I try and talk properly he tells me to F off.

How do I handle this? How do I get him to talk and listen and what do I do when I go downstairs in a minute and I'm inevitably ignored and spoken to like crap in front of my baby again. I know he needs time to feel how he feels but it's draining me.

I have no money to leave and no family to stay with. I'm stuck here

This is verbal abuse @Throwawaytype and it's even worse that he does it in front of your child.

Please separate from him.

TBH no matter what it is being verbally abusive all day to you is unacceptable and especially with a young baby around. It is not good for their wellbeing. Can you ask him to leave or can you take your baby away from this?

OP I sincerely hope you ignore the ignorant post above.

It's not up to you to "fix" anything. There is no excuse for your partner's behaviour toward you. None.

@DadsPOV are you seriously suggesting that a woman in an abusive relationship is the party responsible for the damage?
What's next from you "you need to stop annoying him so he doesn't have to hit you" ?

Should we be concerned that a user named 'DadsPOV' is condoning what is clearly emotional abuse?

I am seriously suggesting that if you break something, it is up to you to either fix it or throw it away.

Your Post literally makes sick. I've reported you. Disgusting

Is it that all you're suggesting? Because it really sounds like you're trying to justify why someone could treat their partner like this:

He is so angry with me, he is being verbally abusive to me all day in front of our 10 month old DD even when I ask him to stop.

He tells me I've embarrassed him, many awful things about my past and family, tells me I'm ugly and points out features on me that I am not comfortable with.

Personally I don't think it matters whose opinion was right or wrong re. the safety issue, nobody should use personal unrelated insults to their partner. The only abusive partner I had was also the only partner I ever had who would make up things to hurt me when we were arguing.

No matter how angry I am, I would never try to destroy the other person verbally.

& what do you think OP has broken?

Random goady wankers don't concern me, no.
I like seeing other women wise to their various idiocies though.

Hi there.

So sorry to hear what's happened to you. You can get confidential help and advice here:

United Kingdom – Text SHOUT to 85258
Shout is an affiliate of Crisis Text Line in the UK that provides free, confidential support, 24/7 via text. Shout is available in the UK, including England, Scotland, Wales, and Northern Ireland.

No-one should have to put up with a partner's emotional abuse, especially when it's happening on a daily basis in front of your baby.

Good luck to you.

Yes, it makes no difference what the safety issue is - this is quite serious abuse. It sounds like he hates you to be so personal in his insults and I can’t really see how he could have been that great before this issue. Perhaps it’s done you a favour because if it hadn’t happened I imagine you’d have had years of low level abuse that you perhaps wouldn’t have recognised as abuse.

Why not phone womens aid and just see what they say?

His behaviour is very clearly not okay. But I tend to agree with posters that some context is necessary. Toward the end of their relationship, the way SIL spoke to BiL was 100% terrible and definitely abusive behaviour. There was NO excuse. But there was context... he had been controlling and emotionally abusive for years and she was basically at the end of her tether. The way she was behaving was just ANOTHER sign that this relationship was doomed.

So, either way, it's not acceptable. But how you deal with it might be more complex.

Yes, seek help at a womens refuge. Take down relevant details - dates, etc in a log book incase you need to remember treatment in court. Your child is living in an unsafe home; you need to remove her. Leave with vital paperwork like passport etc and things for the baby.

you’re in the wrong and you should be trying to fix it

Would you give that advice if op had been subjected to a physical beating for two days? Physical and psychological bullying are both domestic abuse; both equally as damaging and both criminal acts.

Op has dared to put the health/safety of her child above her husband’s authority and is now facing the cruel punishment to ensure she doesn’t step out of line again.

Abusive men do not have their child’s best interests at heart ever.

‘He tells me I've embarrassed him, many awful things about my past and family, tells me I'm ugly and points out features on me that I am not comfortable with.‘

LTB.

It is irrelevant what the disagreement was. There is nothing that excuses him verbally abusing you, humiliating you and making fun of your physical appearance.

Would you think it was acceptable if you behaved like that towards your partner over a parenting disagreement?

I'm afraid this will get worse.

unless youve been beating him up theres no excuse for what hes doing-hes trying to belittle yo9u and make sure you dont have opinions on yur own child

Doesn't matter what the issue was - even if you're being completely ridiculous and overprotective about your baby, there is no excuse or justification for him to be abusive towards you.

If you've told us the full story, then we're not going to advise you how to talk to him, we're going to tell you that you are in an abusive relationship, and you should take your baby and leave him immediately. Call Women's Aid or a similar organisation for support.

We don't have the full story however. Vaccinations? Ear piercing? Circumcision? You've done something irreversible, and we don't know what. His behaviour as you've described it is still inexcusable. However you have been extremely vague about your own actions and reactions.

You say it was a safety issue; yet he and his family vehemently disagree. If it is truly clear cut, then that makes at least one of you an unsafe parent. Which?

His behaviour is abusive, and even if you can’t leave right now you can start making plans to leave.

You do need advice about what help you can get, e.g. Women’s Aid as previous posters have suggested.

It is probably best to be as unreactive as you can safely manage. There’s no point in attempting to get him to see your side, or prolonging the argument- he won’t change. Focus on keeping yourself and your child safe.

One thing you do need to plan for is that if you do separate and he has parental responsibility, he could have contact with your child without you there. This could be with his family, it could mean that the safety issue rears its head again (e.g. if it’s a dangerous dog in close contact with the baby, or a relative who cannot have contact with children). Do you have access to a health visitor? If so it may worth seeing her or him. Depending on what the safety issue is, it may be suitable for your partner to have supervised contact only if and when you separate, but this would only happen if proven necessary.

He is being abusive as others have said, my OH is similar, he is emotionally abusive but thats another thread another day. I can only think something like circumcision has driven that kind of anger, but regardless he is being abusive and it needs to end or you need to end it.

I disagree that there's no justification.
For example, if my husband decided to circumcise our son behind my back , If he allowed someone I don't trust to have unsupervised access to our child.

There are lots of utterly unforgiveable things you can do involving a child. Without knowing what you did we can't really know whether or not he's being abusive or completely justified in hating you right now.

Aww poor abusive men are just broken souls that women have a duty to fix 🥺