Partner can't forgive me

[Throwawaytype]

Posting here as well as relationships for traction as really need advice.

I haven't cheated and it's hard to explain without going into too much detail but my partner and i had very strong differing opinions on an important parenting issue regarding safety, that he did not feel was an issue.

Ultimately I went over his head and made a decision that now can't be taken back but I am very at peace with the decision and know it's the right one.

He is so angry with me, he is being verbally abusive to me all day in front of our 10 month old DD even when I ask him to stop.

He tells me I've embarrassed him, many awful things about my past and family, tells me I'm ugly and points out features on me that I am not comfortable with.

I am no angel and have been drawn into this and have said some things back but the issue is he won't talk to me. He has a front up and whenever I try and talk properly he tells me to F off.

How do I handle this? How do I get him to talk and listen and what do I do when I go downstairs in a minute and I'm inevitably ignored and spoken to like crap in front of my baby again. I know he needs time to feel how he feels but it's draining me.

I have no money to leave and no family to stay with. I'm stuck here

HIS feellings - aaarrrrggggg

Also you have gone into quite a lot of detail regarding the fallout and his abuse (which is NOT ok) but, you can't say what the safety issue is!?

All irrelevant i suppose - he sounds horrid.

It's almost academic what the original issue was. His behaviour towards you now is abusive. I think you have to leave. It doesn't sound like things will ever improve, especially as whatever the issue was is a hard line issue.

But the main issue isn't the reason for the disagreement per say! It's the abuse she's receiving.

SO if she came back and says the reason for the disagreement is xyz, what would you say then? Is she not still being abused?

YOU DON'T NEED TO KNOW THE REASON TO GIVE HER ADVICE!

It reads like she spoke to his family about something they do that she thought was an issue. Now he's angry that she did that because she went against him, and he finds that embarrassing.

Don't speak to him again until he apologises. Plan your exit in the background.

He shouldn't be verbally abusing you, full-stop. Beyond that it's impossible to give advice without details.

The safety issue is a red herring.

Your partner is being verbally abusive to you.

The fact one person thinks something is a safety issue doesn’t mean that thing actually is a safety issue. Just playing devil's advocate, but there might be a scenario where OP was totally unreasonable and over the-top about a non-issue.

I like to give reasonably informed advice after doing a minimal due dilligence. Don't you?

So you stepped in to an unsafe situation to protect your child and he’s now being abusive to you for it?

Was it something his family wanted to do with your child but you said no? I don’t think there’s anything that justifies his abuse, but it’s a bit difficult to follow with this level of detail and not knowing the actual scenario.

Of course not, as i also said in my other post on here. He clearly is horrid and abusing her. What a nasty man.

I was answering the question regarding the safety issue.

My advice would obviously be 'leave him' regarding the abuse but, i know that is hard for many people in this situation. Hopefully OP has a support network and is able to get some advice and help in this situation as he sounds dreadful.

I agree this is about vaccinations. If either one of you is anti-vaxxer there isn't a way to resolve this amicably.

If you're the anti-vaxxer and you're preventing your child from being vaccinated for any reason other than a registered NHS doctor telling you not to administer them for clear medical reasons I can see the reason for the hostile language...and frankly I'd be hard pressed to defend you in that case.

Whatever the issue, and you've said it wasn't cheating, he should never be telling you to f** off or verbally abusing you whilst you're trying to look after your child. If he refuses to talk to you what can you do.

You say you know the decision was the right one so I'm going to trust you on that. Here's what I think you should do.

1. Try to be kind and understanding where possible. However if he verbally abuses you like swearing or calling you ugly, say politely but firmly that verbal abuse is bullying and is never ok. It is scary and makes it very difficult to be a good mum, it is upsetting for baby. And leave the room with the baby.

1. If he can get into a better mood I'd apologise that you did not consult him in the decision. Say you acknowledge his feelings, they are understood, and you're sorry for this hurt. Say that going forward you will consult him. See if any consolidation can be made. Say for example you chose a house to rent without asking, a consolation could be that you'd consider moving in a year or that you'd mitigate inconvenience like say ok now your drive to work is longer I can collect our child from nursery. I say this because even if you made the right decision you've not checked it it's right for him.

1. If his attitude does not improve, the name calling doesn't stop you need to make a plan to leave him. It's not about whose fault it is, though abuse is never ok. If he cannot let you talk about it you cannot move on. Start saving money as you can, make more friends (for example through baby groups), look into women's refuges. I don't think you can or should live your life like this. Once you have things prepared then finally say you have apologised and want to talk. If he doesn't and the abuse doesn't stop for the sake of your child and your mental health you must leave.

Sorry. I just wish you weren't in this position. We all make mistakes. Sending you hugs xx

Even if your decision was wrong his behaviour is unacceptable and it seems he is putting his family and what they think above everything else

He tells me I've embarrassed him, many awful things about my past and family, tells me I'm ugly and points out features on me that I am not comfortable with.
Whatever you did for your child that he is angry about - this is inexcusable.

How do I handle this? How do I get him to talk and listen and what do I do when I go downstairs in a minute and I'm inevitably ignored and spoken to like crap in front of my baby again.
Stop trying.
All the time you are trying, you are confirming (to him) that he holds the power.
So stop abasing yourself. There is no point you trying to talk to a man who refuses to be rational & who is saying the most hurtful things he can dredge up to punish you.
www.thriveafterabuse.com/gray-rock

I have no money to leave and no family to stay with. I'm stuck here
Contact Womens Aid. They won't be able to magic up money, but they will advise, support, & signpost you to financial & other assistance.
www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/money-issues/

Did you move away from family/friends to be with him? & how has it come about that you have no access to money - are you SAHM, & is your partner keeping you short?

You can give reasonably formed advice on the very clear basis that NO issue trivial or not, makes it ok to verbally abuse your partner. End of. It is unacceptable. You don’t need the OPs entire backstory and what she had for breakfast to know that, just a few working brain cells.

You advise to seek counselling re: his anger management and communication issues. Or advise groups like women’s aid or shelter who can help with housing etc if she wants to leave.

A petty (or justifiably not petty depending) argument doesn’t give any fucker the go ahead to scream at you in front of your child. To abuse you and make you feel intimidated.

Please don’t subject your child to this environment OP it is so damaging.

I was thinking this and if it is and op got them done good on her. But op needs to dump this guy as his treatment towards you is disgusting.

He sounds like a real Prince charming

I agree, please contact some domestic voliences charities such as women's aid.

Sounds like he's using it as an excuse to be nasty and cause trouble. What's the REAL problem?

Thank goodness for the handful level-headed, rational people on MN

& often posted by abused women whose partners have convinced them that the long term verbal abuse & denigration they are suffering is all their own fault, for not doing as they are told.

You are going to clash as your child grows up, if your DD witnesses this behaviour it will destroy her self esteem. You can't stay with a man who treats you like this. This will be what your DD thinks as normal behaviour. He will start to affect and change your confidence and you won't be as good a Mother as you could have been.

Exactly. The context absolutely matters.

If my partner took our son to be circumcised against my wishes, verbal abuse would be the least of his worries. And would be totally warranted. With a side of divorce papers.

If OP took the kid to get vaccinations, he's 100% in the wrong and absolutely despicable.

You cannot reasonably judge unless you know the specifics.

Goodness me - judge?

OP is in an abusive relationship.
Women who are being abused need advice & support, not judgement.

The context absolutely matters

Domestic abuse is never “warranted”
What the fuck are you talking about?

This.

I’m so sorry, OP. Start working out how you’ll eventually leave, perhaps a live in employment one day. This relationship is dead and abusive. Reach out to organisations that may help like Women’s Aid and start a conversation. And well done for standing up for your child on the safeguarding issue!