AIBU to decline a expensive birthday trip

[simonsay]

I’m considering declining a weekend away for my friends 30th birthday surprise. Just looking for some opinions on whether you think IABU or whether you think it’s justifiable. I can’t sleep thinking about this so I need it off my chest. This is a long one, sorry!

1. Every birthday celebration gets bigger and bigger each year regardless of the number. I suggested last year to my group of friends, that we should all just go away for one weekend for all our birthdays rather than going away for several seperate trips, as it was getting too expensive and some of us now have children. That went down really well and I thought great, finally I don’t have to spend £100s several times a year. However as this birthday is a 30th birthday everyone thinks this needs its own celebration! I said okay as long as it wasn’t in the same price range as the last one (£200+)...it’s now exceeding it.

1. I’ve suggested staying closer to home to avoid accommodation fees, however the person suggesting the locations (all about 4 hours away or abroad) and finding the accommodation is also the one who doesn’t drive (can drive, just won’t drive) - I know I will be expected to drive as I always end up being the taxi because I don’t drink often, so while they all get to relax in the back of the car, I have 8 hours worth of driving to do minimum plus whatever else they have in mind. I’ve suggested a train but that’s been poo-pooed because it’s too expensive ironically.

1. They want to go away for 2 nights now because the location they have chosen is so far away, but the days they want to go are difficult for me with childcare as my DH works full time/evenings. I will need to pay for a extra day of nursery at £60 if they have space for DC.

1. The birthday girl won’t be paying for most of her trip so I not only have to pay for myself, but also contribute for the birthday girl, as well as activities, meals etc which always end up costing a fortune as they are never satisfied with doing one thing.

1. I’ve said I can’t afford alot because my life has changed now, I work part time, I have a young toddler and all our bills are increasing (mortgage will be a extra £300 a month from July if rates stay the same). They insist they want me there but aren’t taking into account my financial situation. I think by the time all is done, this will cost me about £300 possibly more.

I feel like I am ruining their weekend to be honest.

I have said several times I will happily contribute what I can afford, and I will just see them for a meal before or after the trip to save on the expense. They aren’t happy with that, they want me there as it’s such a big occasion which is a lovely sentiment, but they just aren’t getting it.
The reason I am writing this now is because I said this evening I wasn’t able to go on one of the dates they suggested, as there is no one to look after DC (even nursery doesn’t have space that day) - typically this was the date with the best price for the accommodation…I’ve been ignored all evening. The conversation on our other WhatsApp was flowing all evening up until that point so I know it’s because they are annoyed at me. If I’m honest, I feel like I get invited to most of these things because they need someone to drive and/or need a extra person to keep the cost down for them - they seem to make most of the decisions without me and just expect me to cough up the cash.

I know they won’t go if I say I’m not as they won’t want to spend the extra money so it makes me feel guilty! I also feel like I’m being awkward as it’s always me that has a issue with dates/cost etc (only since having my baby for obvious reasons), I don’t really like the idea of being so far away from my DC either and finally I would rather put that £300 towards a small family holiday with DH and DC.

Should I even need to explain my personal financial situation in such detail to people over a glorified birthday party? It’s actually quite humiliating!

AIBU to just say ‘look gals, I’m not coming. I’ll send you some cash for the birthday girl and you lot go ahead. I’ll meet you for some drinks/meal to celebrate another time’??

So many questions!

HELP ME PLEASE

I just use covid as my excuse ,got out of two weddings and a party i didnt want to attend

Should I even need to explain my personal financial situation in such detail to people over a glorified birthday party? It’s actually quite humiliating!

No. In your position I would just say that I can't afford it but hope they have a lovely time.

And whatever you do, don't offer them money towards a holiday you aren't even going on!

I would try to be brave and tell them that this arrangement, relationship, friendship group, whatever you call it has run its course and sadly, it's goodbye.

Easier said than done, I know - but you'll only have to say it once if you are firm enough - and that's the end of it if you refuse to engage further. It's a shame and all that but why continue if the worry about it keeps you awake at night?

Honestly it sounds to me like this friendship group has run its course for you. You are in a different place with different priorities and they don't seem to understand that. I think sending a brief message pulling out is a good idea. Then just step back a bit and see what happens. It doesn't sound like it will be a great loss to you.

I hope this thread doesn't get picked up my the daily mail as it could be very outing for you! Ps your not being unreasonable. They aren't friends just users.

You do sound lovely OP. Time to put yourself first for a change.

AIBU to just say ‘look gals, I’m not coming. I’ll send you some cash for the birthday girl and you lot go ahead. I’ll meet you for some drinks/meal to celebrate another time’??

So many questions!

HELP ME PLEASE

As others have more or less said you need to help yourself.
I dont attend every single event my friends put on and not every single one comes to all of mine. Theres a variety of reasons such as work commitments, child care finances etc but everyone understands and no judgement. No events are ruined or spoiled because someone cant make it.
You are being ridiculous to offer cash if you think these friends are just users anyway.
There's loads of suggestions on what text to send. The only advice I would say is keep it simple and dont go in to depth about why you cant go, it just gives people a reason to try and find a solution.
A nice simple ' oh sorry I cant make it, have fun everyone and have a gin for me!!!' should cover it.

It's not fair to feel you have to go because it's more convenient or cost effective for them. Sounds like it will also be knackering for you playing taxi driver. Your idea of doing one trip for all birthdays was far more sensible in terms of finances (go bigger and nicer for one that scrimping on several) and interns of childcare etc and for me that's more so for the big ones.

That's ridiculous.

I asked my three best friends if we could go away for my birthday, one night. I made it clear from the beginning that I would pay for transport and hotel.

In the end transport was split (they found out how much the train was and paid me) and my friends paid for my share of the meal but only because they managed to get the bill before I had the chance to pay.

I wouldn't have asked for this trip if I wasn't be prepared to pay for it.

Just say no. If they can’t accept that you won’t be able to afford it, they are not real friends. What’s the worst that can happen if you say no and stick to it? Do you think they will be nasty or stop talking to you? If so, they are unkind and you should cultivate some new friendships. If they decide to cancel the trip because you won’t be their taxi service, it proves that they have just been using you for a long time.

OP you may find after you sent your message that you start getting contacted by the group individually.....oh go on come, it won't be the same without you etc. Foot down, firm hand. Don't cave.

You mentioned earlier that the WhatsApp group was flowing until you mentioned dates didn't suit then it went quiet. Those women were not sitting looking at their phones thinking oh gosh, they have a separate chat on the go and will now be in panic mode with tactics on how to get you to go. STAND FIRM

You mentioned earlier that the WhatsApp group was flowing until you mentioned dates didn't suit then it went quiet. Those women were not sitting looking at their phones thinking oh gosh, they have a separate chat on the go and will now be in panic mode with tactics on how to get you to go.

Absolutely! There is always a separate chat with things like this.

Have any of the others ever driven when you go away?

Well done for standing your ground. I hope you get a good response.

@simonsay any response from any of them yet?

UPDATE

I sent the message to say I wasn’t going and had a very quick reply which was odd since I’d been ignored for so long before….They are now going to book something closer for only 1 night to keep the costs down…..

Honestly, this whole situation has made me realise I’ve been a complete mug like some of you have said in the posts on this thread! They really do see me a taxi and bank account, and now both of those things have been taken away, they aren’t interested in doing their big extravagant ideas anymore.

I feel such a sense of relief. I’ve been feeling this way for a couple of years now and always put it down to the fact I’d had a baby and my emotions were just getting the better of me, but my gut feeling was right. I am being used! And although that’s really not a nice feeling or realisation to have, I’m glad I’ve had it. I think this friendship group is going to be a thing of the past going forward. I can’t possibly even go away for a collective trip like we agreed now, as I know they only want me there to act as a taxi service!

Don't give them money towards her meal.

Perhaps take her out yourself for a lunch!

Love this ❤thank you.

Clearly you are their driver.

The cheek of them.

You can just say, "no thanks, it just isn't a priority for me at the moment, but have a good time", you didn't even celebrate your own birthday with them, the cheek of them.

Let them off.

I was the first person to have a baby out of the group, however the birthday girl also has one as well (9 months younger). She obviously doesn’t know what’s going on with this trip as we always do it a surprise for the birthday person - well unless you’re me, then you don’t get anything lol, so the only other person who understands the financial constraints etc is the person who isn’t paying.

You're definitely not unreasonable. They are quite cheeky to expect you to spend that amount of money and to drive them for 8 hours (have they even offered tp pay for the petrol?); and to disregard the fact that you have a young child. Just say that you can't afford it. Most people couldn't easily afford either the time or the money for such a trip- especially with the current cost-of-living crisis.

Have they booked somewhere closer and cheaper for one night so you can go?

Or is it because they now don't want to pay expensive train fares because you're not going?

I hope you won't be driving everyone to the place an hour away, but if you do I hope you ask up front for a fair contribution to petrol money.

I was really upfront about my budget right from the beginning and I actually gave a 3 different places we could go for 1 night which were in my budget, far enough away to feel like you’ve ‘gone somewhere’ but also close enough that it doesn’t take 4 hours to get there. I made sure that they were all places the birthday girl would love or has mentioned she wanted to go too. I honestly don’t think I could have done anymore research to be honest. They just came along a poo-pooed it, in favour of a expensive trip that they clearly can’t afford on their own (judging by the response I got from the text I sent to say I wasn’t going).

Will they still expect you to drive?

OP, I one of the first to reply to you ( sorry again for being a bit blunt!)
I'm glad you sent the message and have realised they arnt really friends.
BUT , I would still decline the more local night away tbh. You dont want to spend that much still, as said in your OP, you will still end up putting a good amount towards the birthday friend, they havent done anything for your bday- I dont really get why they are still pushing for a night away when A nice meal, drinks out ect is still as good!