AIBU to decline a expensive birthday trip

[simonsay]

I’m considering declining a weekend away for my friends 30th birthday surprise. Just looking for some opinions on whether you think IABU or whether you think it’s justifiable. I can’t sleep thinking about this so I need it off my chest. This is a long one, sorry!

1. Every birthday celebration gets bigger and bigger each year regardless of the number. I suggested last year to my group of friends, that we should all just go away for one weekend for all our birthdays rather than going away for several seperate trips, as it was getting too expensive and some of us now have children. That went down really well and I thought great, finally I don’t have to spend £100s several times a year. However as this birthday is a 30th birthday everyone thinks this needs its own celebration! I said okay as long as it wasn’t in the same price range as the last one (£200+)...it’s now exceeding it.

1. I’ve suggested staying closer to home to avoid accommodation fees, however the person suggesting the locations (all about 4 hours away or abroad) and finding the accommodation is also the one who doesn’t drive (can drive, just won’t drive) - I know I will be expected to drive as I always end up being the taxi because I don’t drink often, so while they all get to relax in the back of the car, I have 8 hours worth of driving to do minimum plus whatever else they have in mind. I’ve suggested a train but that’s been poo-pooed because it’s too expensive ironically.

1. They want to go away for 2 nights now because the location they have chosen is so far away, but the days they want to go are difficult for me with childcare as my DH works full time/evenings. I will need to pay for a extra day of nursery at £60 if they have space for DC.

1. The birthday girl won’t be paying for most of her trip so I not only have to pay for myself, but also contribute for the birthday girl, as well as activities, meals etc which always end up costing a fortune as they are never satisfied with doing one thing.

1. I’ve said I can’t afford alot because my life has changed now, I work part time, I have a young toddler and all our bills are increasing (mortgage will be a extra £300 a month from July if rates stay the same). They insist they want me there but aren’t taking into account my financial situation. I think by the time all is done, this will cost me about £300 possibly more.

I feel like I am ruining their weekend to be honest.

I have said several times I will happily contribute what I can afford, and I will just see them for a meal before or after the trip to save on the expense. They aren’t happy with that, they want me there as it’s such a big occasion which is a lovely sentiment, but they just aren’t getting it.
The reason I am writing this now is because I said this evening I wasn’t able to go on one of the dates they suggested, as there is no one to look after DC (even nursery doesn’t have space that day) - typically this was the date with the best price for the accommodation…I’ve been ignored all evening. The conversation on our other WhatsApp was flowing all evening up until that point so I know it’s because they are annoyed at me. If I’m honest, I feel like I get invited to most of these things because they need someone to drive and/or need a extra person to keep the cost down for them - they seem to make most of the decisions without me and just expect me to cough up the cash.

I know they won’t go if I say I’m not as they won’t want to spend the extra money so it makes me feel guilty! I also feel like I’m being awkward as it’s always me that has a issue with dates/cost etc (only since having my baby for obvious reasons), I don’t really like the idea of being so far away from my DC either and finally I would rather put that £300 towards a small family holiday with DH and DC.

Should I even need to explain my personal financial situation in such detail to people over a glorified birthday party? It’s actually quite humiliating!

AIBU to just say ‘look gals, I’m not coming. I’ll send you some cash for the birthday girl and you lot go ahead. I’ll meet you for some drinks/meal to celebrate another time’??

So many questions!

HELP ME PLEASE

So the sending them cash thing comes from the previous trips we’ve gone on. We no longer buy a physical gift but will pay for a activity/meal instead. (Before that it was pay for the trip, activities and also buy a gift on top -extortionate, I managed to stop that a few years ago). I just thought I would pay for a experience she could enjoy on the trip rather than a physical item! However now I’ve read everyone’s responses, I’ve changed my mind on that and won’t be sending them cash!

i love the idea of all taking responsibility for a individual cost and then splitting it. Wish it could have been done that way in the past! At least that way you can see the cost of the whole trip and make a decision as to whether it’s too expensive. Nothing worse than booking what you think will be a reasonable trip and then all the added extras come out on top! - this happens everytime on these trips, which is why I it ends up being so expensive each time!

I hate the big birthday thing in all honestly. A big event to me is a wedding! A one off (for most) lifetime event, not a birthday that comes rounds every year as you say! Unless it’s a 100th birthday! That is definitely worth celebrating!

Thank you 💜

@simonsay the fact they responded so quickly to you declining the trip leads me to think they must have set up another group chat to discuss the whole situation. How else could they have presented a cut and dried one night away plan?

I'm so glad you're not going, and it's really sad they didn't celebrate your birthday in any way.

Thank you for your kind message! I won’t be allowing it anymore. Sounds silly but this thread has really given me my confidence back! I’m starting the year as I mean to go on and I am not going to allow myself to be treated this way anymore. How can I set a good example to my DC if I don’t put myself first in these type of situations!

Great work OP. And I hope you decline the new plans too x

You are welcome op 💐💐

Have you responded re the new plans @simonsay ?

You sound like you have lovely friends!!

Was there any discussion on the thread, after your message, or was the one local night away just stated. It would upset me more that there was discussions behind my back, probably about losing the driver and I would have to call them out on that.

The can all drive! The birthday girl won’t on this event as it’s her birthday. She does offer to drive reluctantly sometimes but she is the really big drinker so she prefers not too. One of the others is a frequent drink driver (whole other thread could be written on this) but as a result if I know drinking is involved in any way shape or form, I will not get in a car with her - I would end up stranded. The other is just plain lazy, she just makes out she doesn’t like driving, but conveniently will take herself off to IKEA (2 hours away) most weekends.

The above is why I always end up getting roped into driving!

I’ve already had it out with them last year about that. They said because I had a young baby they didn’t think I would want to do anything….Then by the time my birthday last year came around several months after that conversation, they did nothing again.

Im a mug I know!

There’s 5 of us. We can always fit in one car and yes it is always my car as mine is the biggest. 🙄

I hope this alternative is within your budget. If it isn't - send another message and tell them you're still not going!

Amen to this! I had a response from the text I send to say I wasn’t going and it’s changed my perspective on the whole ‘friends’ thing. I’m taking your advice and I am going to spend this year working on me, so I can be the best mummy and wife! I have some life long friends who treat me the way I should be treated and in just going to stick with them from now on and not waste my time with this lot!

So in other words, they're aware of your parenthood-related constraints when it is an excuse for them to avoid doing anything for your birthday, but lose all awareness of these constraints when it comes to demanding that you go all-out for their birthdays?

I am someone who absolutely refuses ever to celebrate or acknowledge my own birthday; and even I find their double standards on the subject horribly unfair and selfish!

You WERE a mug.

You absolutely don't have to be again.

Listen to your gut, you can trust it.

These aren't friends deserving of such effort and expenditure.

Far better to just kill it and say it no longer suits you to go.

You’re right! It’s very true that they expect me to cough up when they can’t even be bothered to book a table at a restaurant for me! Why should I feel guilty about saying no? I don’t owe them anything!

To answer your question, no they didn’t do anything for the baby. I couldn’t have a baby shower because of lockdown anyway, but since I’m being open about my life, after they found out I was pregnant, I actually didn’t hear from them for most of my pregnancy. I just got a card posted through the door (didn’t even knock to speak to me in person).

I know this should have been a early alarm bell, but I did really have it out with them last year over how they treated me when I was pregnant and I do believe they felt awful and we sorted that out. I think they only realised when the birthday girl got pregnant and she realised she had been a complete bitch to me as she understood what it was like to be pregnant in a lockdown. Unfortunately I think old habits die hard and they are still treating me like shit! Obviously the birthday girl doesn’t know anything about all of this yet!

"So in other words, they're aware of your parenthood-related constraints when it is an excuse for them to avoid doing anything for your birthday, but lose all awareness of these constraints when it comes to demanding that you go all-out for their birthdays?"@ToWhitToWhoo

Just about sums them up for you OP.

Good plan to stick to stick to your real friends.

Well done!

They haven’t booked anywhere yet! Considering the reply was to ‘bring the cost down’ I would imagine it’s got nothing to do with me being there, and more because I’ve now made their plans too expensive for them.

100% - they will always expect me to drive, doesn’t matter how close or far it is. It always defaults to me.

Well done! The whole taxi service thing really irks me.

I was wondering maybe you saying that might've also given one of the others courage to say it was too expensive for them which could also be a reason for doing it cheaper.

Oh please don’t apologise. I needed people to be blunt to help me see the light! I was stuck in a constant loop that in reality has been going on for several years now. Sometimes you need a kick up the backside from complete strangers who have no emotional attachment to the situation to make you realise what’s going on!

I’ve already declined the local night out. I’m not prepared to go as a way of making it cheaper for them anymore. I will go because they want my company, not because they want my cash or a lift.

I’m sorry you are in this situation.

I would keep it all positive. Say

this all sounds AMAZING. I would love to come. But I’ll need to sit this out. with childcare and the cost of living on the rise I’m not in a position to come. Have a great time and I’ll sort something separate for x(birthday girl).

done!

let us know how you get on.

@simonsay

They haven’t booked anywhere yet! Considering the reply was to ‘bring the cost down’ I would imagine it’s got nothing to do with me being there, and more because I’ve now made their plans too expensive for them.

I was just concerned that they may still think you will go if they book somewhere cheaper!