AIBU to decline a expensive birthday trip

[simonsay]

I’m considering declining a weekend away for my friends 30th birthday surprise. Just looking for some opinions on whether you think IABU or whether you think it’s justifiable. I can’t sleep thinking about this so I need it off my chest. This is a long one, sorry!

1. Every birthday celebration gets bigger and bigger each year regardless of the number. I suggested last year to my group of friends, that we should all just go away for one weekend for all our birthdays rather than going away for several seperate trips, as it was getting too expensive and some of us now have children. That went down really well and I thought great, finally I don’t have to spend £100s several times a year. However as this birthday is a 30th birthday everyone thinks this needs its own celebration! I said okay as long as it wasn’t in the same price range as the last one (£200+)...it’s now exceeding it.

1. I’ve suggested staying closer to home to avoid accommodation fees, however the person suggesting the locations (all about 4 hours away or abroad) and finding the accommodation is also the one who doesn’t drive (can drive, just won’t drive) - I know I will be expected to drive as I always end up being the taxi because I don’t drink often, so while they all get to relax in the back of the car, I have 8 hours worth of driving to do minimum plus whatever else they have in mind. I’ve suggested a train but that’s been poo-pooed because it’s too expensive ironically.

1. They want to go away for 2 nights now because the location they have chosen is so far away, but the days they want to go are difficult for me with childcare as my DH works full time/evenings. I will need to pay for a extra day of nursery at £60 if they have space for DC.

1. The birthday girl won’t be paying for most of her trip so I not only have to pay for myself, but also contribute for the birthday girl, as well as activities, meals etc which always end up costing a fortune as they are never satisfied with doing one thing.

1. I’ve said I can’t afford alot because my life has changed now, I work part time, I have a young toddler and all our bills are increasing (mortgage will be a extra £300 a month from July if rates stay the same). They insist they want me there but aren’t taking into account my financial situation. I think by the time all is done, this will cost me about £300 possibly more.

I feel like I am ruining their weekend to be honest.

I have said several times I will happily contribute what I can afford, and I will just see them for a meal before or after the trip to save on the expense. They aren’t happy with that, they want me there as it’s such a big occasion which is a lovely sentiment, but they just aren’t getting it.
The reason I am writing this now is because I said this evening I wasn’t able to go on one of the dates they suggested, as there is no one to look after DC (even nursery doesn’t have space that day) - typically this was the date with the best price for the accommodation…I’ve been ignored all evening. The conversation on our other WhatsApp was flowing all evening up until that point so I know it’s because they are annoyed at me. If I’m honest, I feel like I get invited to most of these things because they need someone to drive and/or need a extra person to keep the cost down for them - they seem to make most of the decisions without me and just expect me to cough up the cash.

I know they won’t go if I say I’m not as they won’t want to spend the extra money so it makes me feel guilty! I also feel like I’m being awkward as it’s always me that has a issue with dates/cost etc (only since having my baby for obvious reasons), I don’t really like the idea of being so far away from my DC either and finally I would rather put that £300 towards a small family holiday with DH and DC.

Should I even need to explain my personal financial situation in such detail to people over a glorified birthday party? It’s actually quite humiliating!

AIBU to just say ‘look gals, I’m not coming. I’ll send you some cash for the birthday girl and you lot go ahead. I’ll meet you for some drinks/meal to celebrate another time’??

So many questions!

HELP ME PLEASE

Op said they did nothing for her 30th, not even a dinner.

Strangely enough whilst reading some of your post i thought they insisted on you coming due to the fact you'd be the one driving.

It seems to me they aren't willing to make any sacrifices themselves yet expect you to put yourself out? No sharing of the driving, not happy to get the train as too expensive yet you were expected to put your child in nursery an extra day and pay for it yet they are annoyed as you cant and so the trip will cost more.

”Now that I think of it girls, please remind me what we did for my birthday?”

Bloody hell, who are these people? Are they princesses?
Who on earth has that much disposable income to spend on frivolous week ends away with their mates?!

In the nicest way possible you need to get a grip. Why is it so hard for you as a grown woman to just say that you can't afford it so they should ho ahead without you? As for making a contribution when you aren't going, don't be an enabling idiot. Just give a gift as you normally would when you see her.

Ask yourself what you get out of this friendship group. How many of them are you actually close to? How many would check in on you if they'd not heard from you in a week? Can you rely on any of them?

It's always hard being the first or last to have kids in a friendship group.

@carouselofsquirells haha. For a change I was actually reading the full thread rather than just the OP's posts so hadn't got down to that part yet.

Just say no, be careful with your wording so they can’t pick holes and challenge you with reasons to get around making you come along.

Sadly, I think they like you as their taxi driver. They can either go by train or hire a car. I doubt they’ll do either now that their gravy train/taxi driver isn’t going to join them.

Focus on your other good friends instead.

In a way, if you are the driver shouldn't they be chipping in for part of your stay? Any way YNBU. Just give them plenty of notice (to sort the transport) and say its too much for you . End of . No discussion.

Don't go and definitely DO NOT contribute any cash!

Buy the birthday girl a gift if you want to, but keep it separate.

I really hate that so many people think this is the norm. They expect people to part with their hard earned cash without a thought for the persons circumstances.

I couldn’t be friends with people like that!

Deep breath, send a polite message saying not possible, which they will be expecting by now. Politely stick to your guns if there's any pushback. Enjoy the warm sensation not only from the thought of the the savings from this one, but from all future ones you can now excuse yourself from.

Do not link your gift to the trip, as this will probably be a way of extorting cash out of you for overpriced activities. It sounds like they already treat you as a support act, so stop willingly playing the role.

The expensive birthday trips and hen dos etc are a weird bubble of madness that someone in each social group has a responsibility to pop. Surely easier than it used to be given cost of living etc - it used to be expected that people would "just" put it on their credit card if they didn't have the cash.

They should put together a contribution for you and your family to have a lovely day out if they have any heart.

Even if the OP could afford it, and childcare wasn’t an issue, the fact is that most people will have much better uses for that sort of money.

I think that’s very generous and more than you have to do.
No one should have this much stress and extra cost over a trip.

Honestly, I couldn't be arsed with all this faffing around. OP, you are way overthinking this. Clearly they see you as the driver and not as a close friend - they invite you so they don't have to pay for taxis / trains. They cared not a jot about your 30th. They argue over restaurant bills when they are drinking and you are not. Stop dwelling on this and for the love of God stop worrying about their feelings; "they will want me there" etc etc. You know why they want you there and it's not for your company. How they get there without you is not your concern.

"I'm going to sit this one out, it just doesn't suit me at the moment - cost of living crisis etc." is all you need to say. If they want to bitch about you then let them (they probably will because you have inconvenienced them, nothing else).

Please do not send a contribution to a weekend you are not attending. Buy your friend a gift if you want and meet up with her separately.

These people are not your friends, I would focus your attention elsewhere and start learning to stand up for yourself when you are clearly being taken for a mug.

jut say no, be your own person

Would you also buy a birthday gift? If so, then def don't give any money for the birthday girl either. This is a ridiculous situation. Don't be pressured into spending money. Meet for a meal if you can and want to but don't be guilted into doing so.

I find these expensive birthday trips, selfish, inconsiderate, and tone deaf. A friend of mine got into a big strop because she wanted to do Las Vegas for her 50th and found that very few people were willing to spend several thousand on her birthday. What's worse is that she accused everyone of not caring about her!

It's an awful way to put your friends on the spot.

You are only responsible for yourself, your actions and your feelings - not theirs. You very clearly have solid, valid reasons for not going to this event (and tbh, just not wanting to go would be a valid enough reason on its own). It can feel hard, but all you need to do is state that this plan doesn't work for you, give reasons if you like, and add an apology if you want and say "have a great time!". Job done, and any response from them is completely their own responsibility and none of your business. You're not doing anything wrong.

Additionally, though, they don't sound like very good friends. Maybe this year it would be good for you to work on your self esteem and boundaries, and find a way to value yourself enough to have friends who treat you with care and respect.

I think you sound like you are a in the nicest way - being a bit of a doormat! Just say no and stop fanning on about it! “ dear friends - I can’t come have a great time and I’ll see you for a drink next weekend”

I can’t believe you haven’t reacted more strongly to the lack of a celebration for your 30th once lockdown was over and the lack of any kind of consideration or planning for your more recent birthday!

I think you have it spot on tbh and you are mostly the person who is there to drive and to help with costs of these events. These people do not sound like they really care about you at all so park your guilt or sense of obligation because they clearly feel none for you! Expecting you to pay and drive and contribute when they do nothing for you on your birthdays? Cheeky fuckers.

Out of interest did they do anything for you when you had your baby? Since they love these big ‘life event’ celebrations so much?

Sorry, didn’t read your full post because there’s only one answer. Say no. Bet you won’t be the only one.

If you haven't already, please don't mention the child as a reason, whether it's that you can't afford the extra childcare costs, having less money because of having a child or not having any childcare available. It feeds into the "kids make people boring, poor and forget their friends" crap that your pals will use as the excuse you're quitting now. It's not. It's the fact that it's just ripping YOU off to suit them, no matter if you had a football team of kids or just a cat at home. If they push back I'd laugh and mention that just being the driver alone makes it shit, especially considering the extra £190 you have to find to finance it!

If you cant afford it, you cant afford it. No point putting yourself in financial stress because of someone else's plans. Just say "Im sorry I can't come" and dont lose a moments sleep over it.

Agree that you being the first to have DC might be impacting this a bit. The next one to have children will realise, then when the last one to have them does, the dynamic will already have shifted so far that they won't realise how difficult they made this for you.

You needed to pull the plug eventually, as each event was getting bigger and bigger and it was going to reach crisis point.