AIBU to decline a expensive birthday trip

[simonsay]

I’m considering declining a weekend away for my friends 30th birthday surprise. Just looking for some opinions on whether you think IABU or whether you think it’s justifiable. I can’t sleep thinking about this so I need it off my chest. This is a long one, sorry!

1. Every birthday celebration gets bigger and bigger each year regardless of the number. I suggested last year to my group of friends, that we should all just go away for one weekend for all our birthdays rather than going away for several seperate trips, as it was getting too expensive and some of us now have children. That went down really well and I thought great, finally I don’t have to spend £100s several times a year. However as this birthday is a 30th birthday everyone thinks this needs its own celebration! I said okay as long as it wasn’t in the same price range as the last one (£200+)...it’s now exceeding it.

1. I’ve suggested staying closer to home to avoid accommodation fees, however the person suggesting the locations (all about 4 hours away or abroad) and finding the accommodation is also the one who doesn’t drive (can drive, just won’t drive) - I know I will be expected to drive as I always end up being the taxi because I don’t drink often, so while they all get to relax in the back of the car, I have 8 hours worth of driving to do minimum plus whatever else they have in mind. I’ve suggested a train but that’s been poo-pooed because it’s too expensive ironically.

1. They want to go away for 2 nights now because the location they have chosen is so far away, but the days they want to go are difficult for me with childcare as my DH works full time/evenings. I will need to pay for a extra day of nursery at £60 if they have space for DC.

1. The birthday girl won’t be paying for most of her trip so I not only have to pay for myself, but also contribute for the birthday girl, as well as activities, meals etc which always end up costing a fortune as they are never satisfied with doing one thing.

1. I’ve said I can’t afford alot because my life has changed now, I work part time, I have a young toddler and all our bills are increasing (mortgage will be a extra £300 a month from July if rates stay the same). They insist they want me there but aren’t taking into account my financial situation. I think by the time all is done, this will cost me about £300 possibly more.

I feel like I am ruining their weekend to be honest.

I have said several times I will happily contribute what I can afford, and I will just see them for a meal before or after the trip to save on the expense. They aren’t happy with that, they want me there as it’s such a big occasion which is a lovely sentiment, but they just aren’t getting it.
The reason I am writing this now is because I said this evening I wasn’t able to go on one of the dates they suggested, as there is no one to look after DC (even nursery doesn’t have space that day) - typically this was the date with the best price for the accommodation…I’ve been ignored all evening. The conversation on our other WhatsApp was flowing all evening up until that point so I know it’s because they are annoyed at me. If I’m honest, I feel like I get invited to most of these things because they need someone to drive and/or need a extra person to keep the cost down for them - they seem to make most of the decisions without me and just expect me to cough up the cash.

I know they won’t go if I say I’m not as they won’t want to spend the extra money so it makes me feel guilty! I also feel like I’m being awkward as it’s always me that has a issue with dates/cost etc (only since having my baby for obvious reasons), I don’t really like the idea of being so far away from my DC either and finally I would rather put that £300 towards a small family holiday with DH and DC.

Should I even need to explain my personal financial situation in such detail to people over a glorified birthday party? It’s actually quite humiliating!

AIBU to just say ‘look gals, I’m not coming. I’ll send you some cash for the birthday girl and you lot go ahead. I’ll meet you for some drinks/meal to celebrate another time’??

So many questions!

HELP ME PLEASE

Have you said what you can afford/are willing to do?

It does sound as though they’re taking the piss- however… it’s difficult to make an agreeable plan unless people proactively help shape it. I have a friend like this: wants to be involved, but then says no to everything without stating what her budget is. It’s maddening: constant guessing and being told no. Don’t be that friend.

I would set a budget (eg £100 plus £100 for meals/activities - whatever feels ok for you), state that you’re not willing to drive this time as it’s someone else’s turn, and see what happens.

What CAN you do? Maybe a big breakfast with them before they head off? Or could you go for one of the activities (on the train)? Have you suggested anything positive?

Just say that you can't afford it and/or don't have childcare. Say that you're disappointed but hope you can do something else such as... they'll be disappointed and might be grumpy but they'll get over it and if they don't then that tells you all you need to know.

If you can (and no pressure to) would you be willing to contribute some towards the costs of the birthday girl?

Tell them you're not going sooner rather than later though. It's an absolute pain when you're planning things booked on a certain number of people and then they drop out.

You're allowed to say no, I think you need a new set of friends tho, you've become the taxi driver of the group. I don't know why a big birthday has become such an event now. I'm 60 soon, will be doing different things but not expecting my friends to pay for me or costing them a fortune to help me celebrate 😊

Ugh. What happened to a local night out with friends?

OP please do not give all the explanations and reasons. A short warm and polite summary of why you have to decline will suffice.

I bet your friends dont have any DC yet. Priorities change, I would hate to be away for a weekend like that away from my child.

They don't "really want me there."
They really want you to get them there and carry a chunk of the cost.

This is an expensive group to be part of when you have a young child.
Honestly? If they can't acknowledge an event without spending unjustifiable amounts of money on it, it's time to ease yourself away. You have a family now.

"If you can (and no pressure to) would you be willing to contribute some towards the costs of the birthday girl?"

Why the hell would she do that? That's bonkers, she can't afford to go, she doesn't want to go - why would she contribute towards the birthday girl? Everyone, especially the birthday girl, should pay their way.

Nah I wouldn't go either.

I am the driver in my group as I don't drink when out. I can't drink much and it seems pointless forking out for a taxi when I've only had one or two.

I'm always appreciated. Am bought soft drinks all night by my friends and was asked straight away if I wanted to not drive this weekend as one of them is doing dry January. Always chip in for petrol on long trips away.

Your friends don't sound as if they appreciate you or understand your new priorities.

I thought expensive hen do’s were bad enough - I didn’t know birthday do’s were a thing, too!

I’d just say sorry, just too expensive, too much time away, can’t do it. You never know, some of the others might not want to be the first to say it. As for you doing all the driving when at least one other can but won’t - words almost fail me. You’ve been taken for a mug!

It's ridiculous! I don't know anyone who expects their friends to go away for each birthday. It's just not doable when you have young children and money pressures. I did have one friend who hired a big house for her 30th and 40th but she paid for everything and we just contributed towards food. Don't feel bad - they're expecting way too much.

How many of them are there? Is it enough to always be able to fit in someone’s car? Is it ALWAYS your car?

If it’s more than 5 if you-is there another person that always drives?

right then, do that!

Do not go and definitely don't offer cash.
if you do go yoh are going to end up resenting them. I suspect if you don't go yoj are going to end up resenting them too.
they are taking the piss.
buy the birthday girl a gift that has meaning for you and her if you want to give anything
definitely do not subsidise

I wonder what their response would be if you told them you could attend but wouldn’t have the car on those dates (DH needs it/it’s in the shop/it blew up). I suspect their response would be very telling if you were able to attend but not be everyone’s taxi - they sound like they’ve been really using you.

I'd tell them that you have childcare issues and you simply can't afford the weekend anyway.
If they turn funny with you then you'll know they're just using you.

🌺

Don't go, and don't contribute any cash.

Just so what you can. If they're real friends they will understand.

Utterly ridiculous. Just get her a present, wish her well and let them sort out their own taxi.

do

I've never been on a weekend or trip away in the uk or abroad for Hens or birthdays as I've said I can't justify spending that and would rather put it towards a family holiday. End of. No discussion, no one trying to persuade me otherwise as they respect my reasons and me. If they are guilt tripping you they are not your friends.

And also, when you say you won't go but will still contribute.... you mean you will chip in money to pay for the trip away even if you're not going?!? That's outrageous too. Just buy her a gift appropriate to what you can afford.

Tell them you can’t go. Whenever we plan friend weekends away we always go with what the person who earns the least can afford. There is a group of 8 of us. Some can afford more than others but it’s more important that we can all be there than anything too extravagant.

"That’s exactly what it’s like! I always have a fight at the end of a meal when they’ve drunk 3 bottles of wine and I’ve had 2 lemonades because I’m their taxi! If anything they should do at for my lemonade for being their driver lol"*
*
God. It gets worse. They are true piss taking CF's.

That's a very good question.

Why on earth would you offer birthday money when they did NOTHING for your 30th?! How can you not say something about that to them?