AIBU to decline a expensive birthday trip

[simonsay]

I’m considering declining a weekend away for my friends 30th birthday surprise. Just looking for some opinions on whether you think IABU or whether you think it’s justifiable. I can’t sleep thinking about this so I need it off my chest. This is a long one, sorry!

1. Every birthday celebration gets bigger and bigger each year regardless of the number. I suggested last year to my group of friends, that we should all just go away for one weekend for all our birthdays rather than going away for several seperate trips, as it was getting too expensive and some of us now have children. That went down really well and I thought great, finally I don’t have to spend £100s several times a year. However as this birthday is a 30th birthday everyone thinks this needs its own celebration! I said okay as long as it wasn’t in the same price range as the last one (£200+)...it’s now exceeding it.

1. I’ve suggested staying closer to home to avoid accommodation fees, however the person suggesting the locations (all about 4 hours away or abroad) and finding the accommodation is also the one who doesn’t drive (can drive, just won’t drive) - I know I will be expected to drive as I always end up being the taxi because I don’t drink often, so while they all get to relax in the back of the car, I have 8 hours worth of driving to do minimum plus whatever else they have in mind. I’ve suggested a train but that’s been poo-pooed because it’s too expensive ironically.

1. They want to go away for 2 nights now because the location they have chosen is so far away, but the days they want to go are difficult for me with childcare as my DH works full time/evenings. I will need to pay for a extra day of nursery at £60 if they have space for DC.

1. The birthday girl won’t be paying for most of her trip so I not only have to pay for myself, but also contribute for the birthday girl, as well as activities, meals etc which always end up costing a fortune as they are never satisfied with doing one thing.

1. I’ve said I can’t afford alot because my life has changed now, I work part time, I have a young toddler and all our bills are increasing (mortgage will be a extra £300 a month from July if rates stay the same). They insist they want me there but aren’t taking into account my financial situation. I think by the time all is done, this will cost me about £300 possibly more.

I feel like I am ruining their weekend to be honest.

I have said several times I will happily contribute what I can afford, and I will just see them for a meal before or after the trip to save on the expense. They aren’t happy with that, they want me there as it’s such a big occasion which is a lovely sentiment, but they just aren’t getting it.
The reason I am writing this now is because I said this evening I wasn’t able to go on one of the dates they suggested, as there is no one to look after DC (even nursery doesn’t have space that day) - typically this was the date with the best price for the accommodation…I’ve been ignored all evening. The conversation on our other WhatsApp was flowing all evening up until that point so I know it’s because they are annoyed at me. If I’m honest, I feel like I get invited to most of these things because they need someone to drive and/or need a extra person to keep the cost down for them - they seem to make most of the decisions without me and just expect me to cough up the cash.

I know they won’t go if I say I’m not as they won’t want to spend the extra money so it makes me feel guilty! I also feel like I’m being awkward as it’s always me that has a issue with dates/cost etc (only since having my baby for obvious reasons), I don’t really like the idea of being so far away from my DC either and finally I would rather put that £300 towards a small family holiday with DH and DC.

Should I even need to explain my personal financial situation in such detail to people over a glorified birthday party? It’s actually quite humiliating!

AIBU to just say ‘look gals, I’m not coming. I’ll send you some cash for the birthday girl and you lot go ahead. I’ll meet you for some drinks/meal to celebrate another time’??

So many questions!

HELP ME PLEASE

Think it speaks volumes that there is obviously a second chat to plan the event that you are not part of.

Tell they you can go if they cover your costs as you missed 2 birthdays, they can drive too.

Only really read the OP's posts but want to say that you sound like a really lovely person.
I'm so sorry your kind nature has been taken advantage of by this group of chancers. You'll now have time (and money) to spend with people who value you as a person.

What does this mean, sorry? What was their reply?

So glad you’ve found your anger!

@poefaced your question will be answered if you leapfrog down the whole thread just reading the OPs posts.

OP, you sound lovely. Your 'friends' are a bag of dicks and I can't believe they didn't even get you a gift for your baby. Disgraceful behaviour from them. You deserve better xx

Haven't rtft, have read all of your posts op.

Sorry your 'friends' are actually using CFers. Glad you've realised though so you can stop wasting time, money and energy on them.

Well done for standing up for yourself and refusing to go. Glad you have refused the 1 night local one too!

You're clearly thoughtful and considerate and they don't deserve a friend like you!

I'm glad you got some thinking from this thread op. But remember we don't no the nuances of this friendship group.yes people can be mugged for years and suddenly realise.but also we can fall into roles.and the other might have too.but are they really good to you.is here a reason you've been mates for so long. We don't no the context of it all.its so easy for us to read this situation in black and white and think the fuck em.because for one major thing we don't have the emotional attachment,nor the years or experiences with them.
So there might be a midway here.
Deff good on you for feeling strong though and being able to say no.noone on current climate should be made to feel bad.and should totally be supported by friends.

If they contact you again, say “FFS I’m not an Uber driver! You know what? She can have what I got for the last two years.”

No nothing before or nothing after. Not sure if you have been able to read the whole thread but when I said I wasn’t able to do certain dates due to childcare, they ignored me completely all evening. When I then sent the message to say I wasn’t going, one replied within seconds to say the plans were going to have to change because of the cost. I wrote back and said I still wasn’t going and those were the only messages that have been put on the WhatsApp group since. It was only a reply from one person as well so the others have said nothing. They definitely have another WhatsApp group but I’m actually at the point I don’t care now. I’m done with them, so they can keep it!

Fuck that’s bad. I have shitty friends too and they break me all the time as I don’t have any others

Wow, they're really not your friends are they! It's bad enough that they expect you to constantly be the driver but to do nothing for your TWO birthdays or when your DD was born? No way!
I'm glad you're standing your ground now

Well done OP, they need you more than you need them, so forget about those idiots (I personally wouldn't have anything more to do with them if i was in your shoes) and enjoy your true friendships, you deserve better.

Op I'm glad you've stood up to them. Does Birthday Girl even want to have a night away?

If you want to put a spanner in the works. Suggest someone else drives so you can have a drink and make it a joint party since you never had anything for 30st or 31st.

I think it's a fairly obvious situation to say no to, once I had kids I did lots of similar declines for stag do's and birthday trips away and can't say I missed them that much. The alternative is you go, spend the money and the time/effort and have exactly the same situation come up the next time around and end up constantly begrudging attending.

I can't see anyone having an issue with it, real friends certainly wouldn't.

Personally I wouldn’t go . That sounds to much trouble for something that should be a relaxing or enjoyable day .

You do all the driving and you feel bad because you want to refuse?
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Don't go. Life's too short to spend your limited cash and time on something you don't want to do.

Definitely decline the invite. Tell them straight you can't afford it and send a gift instead

definitely say no offer drinks or a meal with friend madness they expect all that off you

Yeah, don’t go. Send a couple of bottles of Prosecco along for them to have a drink on you, job done.

I wouldn’t go, but even if you do decide to go, you should tell them that you’re DH needs your car on those dates or you’re having car trouble and you’ll need to get the train. See how flexible they become then.

The OP has updated that she isn't going.

If you click on "see all" it will just bring up the OP's posts.

Hi I would be questioning my friend ship tbh if I told my friend I couldn't afford it they would understand and organise a separate thing with me another time

Yes this... Your money for an unspecified vague meal or activity will disappear, may not even be mentioned to the birthday girl because there is so much going on, so it probably won't count as a present. Imagine one of them saying to all at the table when they are adding up the bill "Simonsay is paying for birthday Girl's share of this meal" I just cant see them saying it, can you. Also if they did it is more likely to invite adverse comments about you not being there
... Plus its like trying to placate them for your absence with money and it won't work. They either don't mind or if they do, they won't think its enough.

Buy/send a present directly with card to her so she knows you sent it.

They'll get it when they have kids, not before. Do wot is best for u, u seem reasonable enuf to put yr family first. And yes, they are using u as driver! Suggest a meal before or after they go cos I have to sit this 1 out.