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Original poster

How do I tell DH that DD19 & BF18 want alone time

253 replies

Safarigiraffe · 04/01/2023 20:53

Hi DD19 & her BF18 want to start spending a bit more alone time together - basically when round here during the day to spend some time alone upstairs in her bedroom like at her bf house. DH did say before he felt uncomfortable with that but I do want to tell him they want to spend time together in her room as well as downstairs but not sure how to say it to him as he’s overprotective in his ways.

OP posts:
LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 05/01/2023 00:48

Mouldyfoodhelp · 05/01/2023 00:44

@LydiaLydiaBennetsUglyBonnet

My parents were adamant BEFORE marriage no matter the age children and spouses slept separately.

I guess it can be misread and is up to interpretation but I meant my parents children so me and my siblings and the children's respective spouses. That being said this was a rule known from our early to mid twenties. Two of us are not in relationships and I wouldn't expect to take a random partner upstairs to jabs sex and the other is moved out for over a decade with 3 children and I'm uncertain whether they would be able to I suspect maybe but they wouldn't pop upstairs at 3:30 to have a mid afternoon delight

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It was confusing as spouses are people you are married to.

Feel bad if anyone never gets married but are together decades and are forced to sleep separately but a couple who’ve been together a year and are married can be together. Ridiculous

Daisybuttercup12345 · 05/01/2023 00:50

It's up to your daughter to speak to her father. She is an adult after all.

HotChoxs · 05/01/2023 00:52

I wonder how people manage in cultures where different generations live together under the same roof.

Must be odd not to see each other once a year as well.

LahLahLoopsy · 05/01/2023 00:53

HotChoxs · 05/01/2023 00:52

I wonder how people manage in cultures where different generations live together under the same roof.

Must be odd not to see each other once a year as well.

They manage by being discrete. Which is what OP's daughter should try doing....

Mouldyfoodhelp · 05/01/2023 00:54

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 05/01/2023 00:48

It was confusing as spouses are people you are married to.

Feel bad if anyone never gets married but are together decades and are forced to sleep separately but a couple who’ve been together a year and are married can be together. Ridiculous

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As I say one of my siblings has been with their partner for over a decade and got children I suspect maybe they would be able to due to length and having had children and its my sister that doesn't want to get married but my parents know they're in a very long term committed relationship.

But there would be no expectation of going upstairs in the afternoon for a quickie that would be a no. Being single i wouldn't expect to share a bedroom with someone I've been in a relationship a few months, maybe after a few years it would be a conversation

Blossomtoes · 05/01/2023 00:54

HotChoxs · 05/01/2023 00:52

I wonder how people manage in cultures where different generations live together under the same roof.

Must be odd not to see each other once a year as well.

In those cultures marriage usually precedes the younger generation moving in.

2023goals · 05/01/2023 00:54

LahLahLoopsy · 05/01/2023 00:53

They manage by being discrete. Which is what OP's daughter should try doing....

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I don’t think she’s been allowed to be alone with her boyfriend based on the op, she hasn’t had the chance to be discreet

HotChoxs · 05/01/2023 00:59

Blossomtoes · 05/01/2023 00:54

In those cultures marriage usually precedes the younger generation moving in.

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Does that make a difference to co-ordinating copulating activities within the household?

Agapornis · 05/01/2023 00:59

Have you asked your DH at what age (or point in a relationship) she will be allowed to close the door and have them stay overnight? 30+? Married?
Also, bet his rules didn't apply to him back in the day.

HotChoxs · 05/01/2023 00:59

LahLahLoopsy · 05/01/2023 00:53

They manage by being discrete. Which is what OP's daughter should try doing....

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Do explain that further. What is your idea of discrete here?

LahLahLoopsy · 05/01/2023 01:00

2023goals · 05/01/2023 00:54

I don’t think she’s been allowed to be alone with her boyfriend based on the op, she hasn’t had the chance to be discreet

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Thats the point. If she had been more discreet, she could be alone with him much more....

Mothership4two · 05/01/2023 01:03

OMG a young adult wants to spend time with her BF in her room and she is a sex maniac on here.

Love nest? I'm sure it's just a typical teenager's bedroom. The thought of your adult child possibly having sex makes you feel uncomfortable then kick her out - cause that's fair and healthy isn't it? Good grief

Mothership4two · 05/01/2023 01:11

I think you're reading more into this or projecting @LahLahLoopsy OP's DD just asked a question and has now agreed to keep her door open which is very reasonable of her

2023goals · 05/01/2023 01:21

LahLahLoopsy · 05/01/2023 01:00

Thats the point. If she had been more discreet, she could be alone with him much more....

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Actually, you’re missing the point. OP has not stated that the daughter has been having loud sex in the house. OPs posts suggests the daughter has never had sex in the house cause she’s been supervised with her boyfriend since the beginning.

Adelant · 05/01/2023 01:55

This is nothing to do with dd being a woman. Any teen having sex whilst their parents are downstairs is 🤮

Get a room…out of the house.

Anyway, glad you’ve reached a compromise OP,

PopUpMoon · 05/01/2023 02:00

Your DH is a fool if he thinks they aren’t having sex because of his weirdly controlling rules.

Valeriekat · 05/01/2023 06:08

Swimswam · 04/01/2023 21:11

You don’t. If she is an adult then it’s for her or her BF to ask
If they want actual alone time then they need to move in together

I wouldn't be happy with my adult children doing this.
They should get their own place absolutely.

BratzB · 05/01/2023 09:12

She can move out and not look back too. That's usually what happens when parents want to treat their children like children for their entire life.
@HotChoxs

Not it's not. Half the world is not no-contact with their family because they were allowed to have snuggles upstairs.

Get a grip.

HotChoxs · 05/01/2023 09:14

BratzB · 05/01/2023 09:12

She can move out and not look back too. That's usually what happens when parents want to treat their children like children for their entire life.
@HotChoxs

Not it's not. Half the world is not no-contact with their family because they were allowed to have snuggles upstairs.

Get a grip.

Who said anything about no contact?
Get a grip yourself.

BratzB · 05/01/2023 09:15

You said move out and not look back. That's no contact, babe.

HotChoxs · 05/01/2023 09:15

BratzB · 05/01/2023 09:15

You said move out and not look back. That's no contact, babe.

No contact is no contact. Dear.

BratzB · 05/01/2023 09:17

So your suggesting an adult tantrum? What does not look back mean?

HaddawayAndShite · 05/01/2023 09:21

Adult tantrums a plenty on here. Interesting reading for a Thursday morning. Pathetic.

HotChoxs · 05/01/2023 09:22

An Adult Tantrum? More words in my mouth.
Not look back means realising they were living in an environment of unhealthy infantilization and acting accordingly unless their parents get over it.

Rollingaroundinmud · 05/01/2023 09:38

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 05/01/2023 00:07

Please don’t think women can be misogynistic. Thinking a man’s creepy hold over his adult DD’s sex life is ‘wholesome’ is misogyny.

Accommodate their sex life? Unless you’re standing around giving them tips, allowing them to use their room is not ‘allowing’ them.

Id also hate my kids to sneak around like I had to. Like many here I used to use dodgy country lanes and fields to have sex. A copper once tapped on our window and basically said “move along and we’ll say nothing more about it”. These days you’d be arrested out in the register and face plastered all over social media by a police account. So preferable than doing it in a warm bed 🙄

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You're American you get very little support if you have young children and don't have much money coming in.

I think a lot of parents don't want their children to have children and then go on to live a life of poverty. If young people don't train or educate themselves then they are taking a risk. You can't bail them out.