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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH’s family don’t speak to me when we have a “fallout”

146 replies

Back2schoolyes · 04/01/2023 15:06

Whenever me and DH have a bad row probably twice a year. Usually around Christmas time or summer holidays (like clockwork) when were all cooped up together. none of his family will speak to me. I’m close with his mum and brother and they won’t text me or call me until they know we’re back together.

I said to hubby that it’s made me realise that really they aren’t really my family. If they can’t call or check up on me because we’ve had a row and are having a little break. DH said obviously they are going to side with him.

AIBU to take a step back from them? He came home last night after a few days away and all of a sudden I’ve had messages of the both of them. It just seems very fake to me!

His brother has gone all moody with him as if he he wanted DH stay at his flat with him long term.

OP posts:
Itsvalentino · 04/01/2023 15:08

Is he moving out after these arguments?

Roundabout78 · 04/01/2023 15:09

Obviously they are showing where their loyalties lie, rightly or wrongly. I would act accordingly-they don’t treat you like family, so treat them the same.
That said, why do they know you’ve have bad fights? Is he going and bunking on their couch each time? it’s really not normal to have fights that bad where one partner leaves the family home overnight (or longer!). I’ve never had this with my partner in 20 years.

HowDoWeDoThisPlease · 04/01/2023 15:09

Sorry, do you mean twice a year you fall out so badly one of you leaves home for a few days?

NeedToChangeName · 04/01/2023 15:09

If you separate briefly every 6 months or so, I'd guess his family don't wish to interfere or take sides. Or, bluntly, they're not sure if your relationship will last

Username6194 · 04/01/2023 15:10

Until you are back together ?

So it's not a row, you split up twice a year?

Maybe they just know your relationship is very dramatic and won't want to get involved.

Gazelda · 04/01/2023 15:10

I'm afraid your ILs will inevitably support your DH rather than you when your separate. Although it'd be nice to think they'd check in on you if he did something absolutely heinous.

You seem to separate quite frequently, maybe they're trying to avoid getting involved or risking being accused of something if they are seen to take sides?

Do you have DC? If you do, then ILs should certainly be getting in touch with them to see how they are.

Original poster
Back2schoolyes · 04/01/2023 15:12

No we don’t separate! But he will go to his mums after an argument and be like oh I’ve just popped round because we’ve had a row.

last week he stayed at his brothers for a few days but I felt like we both needed it.

OP posts:
thunderstruckk · 04/01/2023 15:12

You're married but every 6 months break up?!

If I was in their position, I wouldn't be talking to you either during that break up period, I'd be supporting my family member. Especially if you do it like clockwork and I know you'll be back together in a few days - I'd concentrate on my family member then check in with you when it was all blown over. Tbh I'd probably only be being nice to you to keep relations civil, I can't imagine being best friends with someone who split up with my brother / son every 6 months after a massive row.

Original poster
Back2schoolyes · 04/01/2023 15:13

No we don’t break up, yes we’re married with 3 DC’s. It’s just bizarre to me that they will completely cut contact if they know we’ve had a row. DH speaks to BIL and BIL will just tell his mum.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 04/01/2023 15:13

Why are you arguing so often that it’s so serious you need space like that? And yabu, of course their loyalties aren’t with you

Y7drama · 04/01/2023 15:14

They are his family first and it sounds like you have a very volatile relationship

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/01/2023 15:15

Back2schoolyes · 04/01/2023 15:12

No we don’t separate! But he will go to his mums after an argument and be like oh I’ve just popped round because we’ve had a row.

last week he stayed at his brothers for a few days but I felt like we both needed it.

He's dragging them into your issues. He needs to stop.

And you both need to work out how to not repeat this pattern.

Original poster
Back2schoolyes · 04/01/2023 15:15

I don’t know I guess it’s just weird to me. I was good friends with my brothers girlfriend and I always stayed friends with her even during their tough times. It all just seems very false

OP posts:
autienotnaughty · 04/01/2023 15:16

Don't tell his family your personal business?

AreOttersJustWetCats · 04/01/2023 15:16

Twice a year is really frequent to be having major rows! I agree with the PP who said they're trying to avoid getting involved or being accused of taking your side.

If the two of you split up (and let's face it, if you argue that badly that often, the likelihood of splitting up isn't small!), he will be the one they want to stay on best terms with.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/01/2023 15:16

It's completely unacceptable that your husband is telling his family about your private business. Your husband is doing this on purpose because he knows his family will alienate you. He wants to punish you.

Fuck him, fuck them, I'd be leaving him.

AreOttersJustWetCats · 04/01/2023 15:17

He drags them into your argument by telling them about it. And you want to drag them in even more by having them ring to see how you're feeling? It's just bonkers.

Your friends can offer you a shoulder to cry on, your DH's family shouldn't be involved at all.

toomuchlaundry · 04/01/2023 15:18

How often are you normally in contact? If DH told his mum we had had a row, I would think that was odd to start with, but I wouldn't expect her to then contact me, as she wouldn't want to interfere. If we split up she would contact me to check I was okay (she supported BIL's first wife when they split up, but didn't take sides).

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 04/01/2023 15:19

Why is he involving his family in your marriage? Disagreements between you should be ironed out with the two of you, not roping in his brother or mum.

And of course people always back up their family. Unless it's something huge like infidelity or crime or abuse, isn't the default position you're on your family member's side? If my brother was unfaithful I'd back SIL to the hilt, but in an argument bad enough for him to move out a for several days I'd be on his side.

Why is your relationship so volatile?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 04/01/2023 15:20

I dont think this is the main issue. The main issues are:

You have rows twice a year which are so bad that he has to move out for a few days. For most healthy relationships, this is a once-in-a-relationship type occurrence

When you have a row he tells his family your private business. He is staying with them.

If someone came to me because theyd fallen out with their spouse badly, of course I wouldn't be texting their spouse while they were staying with me. What do you want them to say? They probably want to stay out of it.

Yes his brother probably does want you to split, as it doesnt sound like a healthy relationship for either of you.

This is easily fixed:
Get your husband to stay somewhere else when you have a fight and not speak to them about it (but accept his friends will hate you instead), or better still stay in a hotel

In the meantime work on your communication so you can disagree without moving out. Or split up

Findyourneutralspace · 04/01/2023 15:20

How are the DCs during these twice yearly rows? It doesn’t sound healthy to be leaving and getting back together twice a year. And his family don’t need to be involved in your rows.

AreOttersJustWetCats · 04/01/2023 15:22

How old are your children? What's it like for them to witness this volatile relationship?

Most married couples don't do this sort of thing, so you can't blame his parents for wanting to stay away from all the drama.

Itemremovedfromthebaggingarea · 04/01/2023 15:22

Good god - I’d never tell my parents about every row I have with my husband!

Is that not where your problem lies op?

You need to agree with your husband to keep your personal stuff to yourselves. He shouldn’t be bad mouthing you to them.

Roundabout78 · 04/01/2023 15:22

If you “aren’t separating” and he’s just popping around for a brew while he calms down, that’s presumably a few hours- why would you expect him family to contact you during that time?

ICanHideButICantRun · 04/01/2023 15:23

So twice a year your husband goes off and spends a few days relaxing with his brother while you have to take care of the children on your own?