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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH’s family don’t speak to me when we have a “fallout”

146 replies

Back2schoolyes · 04/01/2023 15:06

Whenever me and DH have a bad row probably twice a year. Usually around Christmas time or summer holidays (like clockwork) when were all cooped up together. none of his family will speak to me. I’m close with his mum and brother and they won’t text me or call me until they know we’re back together.

I said to hubby that it’s made me realise that really they aren’t really my family. If they can’t call or check up on me because we’ve had a row and are having a little break. DH said obviously they are going to side with him.

AIBU to take a step back from them? He came home last night after a few days away and all of a sudden I’ve had messages of the both of them. It just seems very fake to me!

His brother has gone all moody with him as if he he wanted DH stay at his flat with him long term.

OP posts:
AreOttersJustWetCats · 04/01/2023 16:22

AllOfThemWitches · 04/01/2023 16:19

Do you really row every time you and your family are together on holiday, OP? Because that is not normal - they are the times that most families look forward to, being together and having fun.

Come off it lol. Tons of threads about shitty christmases due to arsehole husbands.

It's a self selecting group though, isn't it? If, for example, 10% of women are married to arseholes, that 10% is likely to represent something like 95% of the threads about husband's behaviour.

People don't often start threads saying, "My DH cooked a great Xmas meal, got me a thoughtful gift and I've had a lovely family day", do they?

Looking at my friendship snd family group, I can only think of one couple who are in a relationship so volatile that they argue to this extent.

Yesthatismychildsigh · 04/01/2023 16:25

Your relationship seems very immature and totally unhealthy. Your poor kids living though this so often.

Talipesmum · 04/01/2023 16:26

I’m sure bustups on this scale twice a year are normal in some relationships - but I’d think it’s a pretty good indicator that the relationship isn’t great overall. This is one of those OPs where you’re worried about one small thing and everyone else is looking at the bigger picture and saying “that’s your problem right there”. OP it might be normal for you but step back and have a think about the relationship. Can you guys do anything to fix it?

MotherOfHouseplants · 04/01/2023 16:29

You have two rows a year that are so bad that one of you has to move out for a few nights? His family are not the problem, I'm afraid.

longestlurkerever · 04/01/2023 16:32

It isn't fake. While you're a unit, they're warm to you as part of that unit. But if you broke up they would side with their family member of course. They might be genuinely sad about losing you from their lives, even grieve a bit, but maintaining the same relationship with you both would be difficult and potentially be perceived as disloyal.

Roundabout78 · 04/01/2023 16:34

AreOttersJustWetCats · 04/01/2023 16:22

It's a self selecting group though, isn't it? If, for example, 10% of women are married to arseholes, that 10% is likely to represent something like 95% of the threads about husband's behaviour.

People don't often start threads saying, "My DH cooked a great Xmas meal, got me a thoughtful gift and I've had a lovely family day", do they?

Looking at my friendship snd family group, I can only think of one couple who are in a relationship so volatile that they argue to this extent.

Show quote history

Exactly. I occasionally bicker with my husband or we have a moan at each other, but I genuinely can’t remember the last time we had a proper actual argument. He’s never left the family home overnight due to a row, not in 20 years. I don’t actually know anyone IRL who regularly argues to this extent. It would be a huge deal if he packed up and left for his brothers house.

Cantstandbullshitanymore · 04/01/2023 16:34

thunderstruckk · 04/01/2023 15:12

You're married but every 6 months break up?!

If I was in their position, I wouldn't be talking to you either during that break up period, I'd be supporting my family member. Especially if you do it like clockwork and I know you'll be back together in a few days - I'd concentrate on my family member then check in with you when it was all blown over. Tbh I'd probably only be being nice to you to keep relations civil, I can't imagine being best friends with someone who split up with my brother / son every 6 months after a massive row.

Really you wouldn’t talk to her even if your relative is being a dick? Yeah support your relative but also have the guts and moral to say the truth if your family member is the one being an idiot.

While I agree with other posters who question why they have so many serious rows, the fact he goes to tell his family when they have rows says a a lot about his maturity level.

grumpycow1 · 04/01/2023 16:39

Me and my DH have rows but they aren’t bad enough that he would have to tell his family, and I would find it really weird if he did! To me rows are private unless it’s a silly story you’re telling someone. Or to talk to a trusted friend - I high maybe the brother is and therefore shouldn’t be spreading it about. If they are bad enough that he needs to stay elsewhere for a few days then I can see why they distance from the situation so as not to ‘take sides’ - of course they will side with him if they are his family. It’s different if he wanted to stay with his brother to get some sleep and then you got to stay somewhere - but it’s from a position of needing a break, not reactive to an argument. Poor kids TBH, if the rows are that bad, have you thought about that?

baublesandbreakdowns · 04/01/2023 16:40

You need to both grow up, sort your shit out and he needs to stop running off to mummy.

Or if you can't do that, you need to split up.

This is terrible and confusing for your children.

zingally · 04/01/2023 16:40

It's completely normal, I think, to take the side of your blood relative in an argument. Even between a couple that are married. It's how I'd be if my sister and her DH had a row!

They probably feel like it's not their place to interfere.

diddl · 04/01/2023 16:43

Does he engineer the arguments so that he can piss off & leave you with the kids?

WeepingSomnambulist · 04/01/2023 16:44

Twice a year you argue so badly that he moves out for a few days? That isnt normal.
It is also incredibly upsetting for children. Sort your marriage out.

Liz1tummypain · 04/01/2023 16:44

I don't follow this. Like are you living apart every time you have the falling out? His parents are probably thinking they have to back off while you two decide what you're doing twice a year.

AuntieMarys · 04/01/2023 16:45

You both need to grow up. Pathetic behaviour and unfair on your dcs

Shesasuperfreak · 04/01/2023 16:47

How do they know about it?

I would be pissed off if he is running to his mums every time you bicker

EmmaDilemma5 · 04/01/2023 16:48

They stop talking to you because your partner slags you off.

Sounds like you both need to grow up. Three kids and still behaving like teenagers. Have you thought about how your squabbles and your partner leaving the home affects them?

Butchyrestingface · 04/01/2023 16:49

Shesasuperfreak · 04/01/2023 16:47

How do they know about it?

I would be pissed off if he is running to his mums every time you bicker

Wouldn't you want to know why the hell your son/brother who is married with kids was camping out for days on your sofa every 6 months or so?

I would.

gamerchick · 04/01/2023 16:49

They probably dont want to get involved in the drama. Especially as you've made it sound as though you kick him out and then you 'get back together a few days later'. Getting in contact with you during all of that guarantees a lengthy rant about their family relative from you. Just no OP.

Your poor kids are always going to remember Christmas and summer as being utter shit if this is what you are both like.

Iknowthis1 · 04/01/2023 16:50

I think the whole lot of you need to grow up and stop acting like kids.

whataboutsecondbreakfast · 04/01/2023 16:51

Well, he's their son - of course they're going take his "side" over yours.

But why are you having such massive rows so often, and why is he then running off to his parents?

Liz1tummypain · 04/01/2023 16:52

gamerchick · 04/01/2023 16:49

They probably dont want to get involved in the drama. Especially as you've made it sound as though you kick him out and then you 'get back together a few days later'. Getting in contact with you during all of that guarantees a lengthy rant about their family relative from you. Just no OP.

Your poor kids are always going to remember Christmas and summer as being utter shit if this is what you are both like.

Yes indeed. Setting a bonkers example to the kids. Not good for them to witness.

RobertsRadio · 04/01/2023 16:53

Why don't you ever get the option of leaving and staying with your parents or siblings and moaning about him, whilst your DH stays at home and looks after the kids?

The whole relationship with your H and in-laws sounds crazy and dysfunctional.

I would not want to be with a man who cannot tolerate spending any length of time with his wife and kids without having a blazing row and then running home to his mummy/brother, leaving all responsibility for childcare to his wife, instead of staying, ironing out the problems and being a father to his DC, you know, like a bona fide grownup.

He sounds like a complete ass and the DC deserve better than a father who flounces and bails every Christmas and summers holidays.

Summerfun54321 · 04/01/2023 16:54

This is incredibly immature behaviour that no doubt will be affecting your children. Why on earth does he have to storm put of the family home for a few days at a time? Getting some relationship counselling to communicate better is the solution, not berating his family for acting like his family. They aren't your friends, they're your inlaws.

Fraine · 04/01/2023 16:54

YANBU. My mum treats DH no differently if we have a row and DH’s MIL treats me no differently.

If anything, MIL takes my side 😂

I would definitely step back. Stop doing favours for in laws as they have shown you that they don’t see you as family.

AmandaHoldensLips · 04/01/2023 16:58

He's clearly slagging you off to his family and blaming the argument on you.
This is spoilt man-baby behaviour. Not cool. Totally not cool at all.

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