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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH’s family don’t speak to me when we have a “fallout”

146 replies

Back2schoolyes · 04/01/2023 15:06

Whenever me and DH have a bad row probably twice a year. Usually around Christmas time or summer holidays (like clockwork) when were all cooped up together. none of his family will speak to me. I’m close with his mum and brother and they won’t text me or call me until they know we’re back together.

I said to hubby that it’s made me realise that really they aren’t really my family. If they can’t call or check up on me because we’ve had a row and are having a little break. DH said obviously they are going to side with him.

AIBU to take a step back from them? He came home last night after a few days away and all of a sudden I’ve had messages of the both of them. It just seems very fake to me!

His brother has gone all moody with him as if he he wanted DH stay at his flat with him long term.

OP posts:
beachcitygirl · 04/01/2023 16:59

This all seems so odd &'easily solved.
You're married & have kids, stop moving out for an hour or a day or a week after a row.

Of course his family don't speak to you during these times, you're both making it bloody awkward and awful for everyone including yourselves & your kids, and they are his family. They are probably embarrassed by the behaviour of you both & can't begin to think what to say.
Grow up the pair of you & keep your marital issues private.

averythinline · 04/01/2023 17:02

he goes to his mums when you've had a row? is he 6?? I find that very strange behaviour from an adult...

why are you bothered about them not being friendly and not the fact that he leaves you and his children at least twice a year ?

did your parents regularly abandon you because they were rowing..

what happens if he has a row with one of your children ..or will they just always do what daddy says as he might walk out on them...rather than walking out on you? or all of them..

at the least i would suggest you get counselling for yourself to understand why you think this is ok. . .and maybe relationship counselling to talk about communication if you think this is just a pattern if behaviour youve both fallen into.. .

Dacquoise · 04/01/2023 17:05

I agree with other pps that this is a dysfunctional dynamic. Involving his family in this way is not healthy for your relationship and is blurring your boundaries as a couple and with your relationship as an in-law.

My mother used to run to her family everytime she had a row with my dad (which was frequent) which resulted in her sister being over involved and judgemental of my dad, even attacking him on one occasion on her behalf!

My brother and sister-in-law have the same dynamic going on in their marriage. My brother used to use me as marriage guidance which was exhausting/frustrating as nothing ever changed. NC now. They're still toxic together.

Perhaps some marriage guidance to try to sort out your issues as hearing the gory details of one party only is not going to help your relationship with his family.

Cnidarian · 04/01/2023 17:06

They're probably just sick of this ridiculous behaviour. The people whose fault any of this nonsense isn't.....the bystanders. You fall out so badly with your husband he leaves the house twice a year, whether his sister texts you really isn't your problem here.

Fraine · 04/01/2023 17:09

Cnidarian · 04/01/2023 17:06

They're probably just sick of this ridiculous behaviour. The people whose fault any of this nonsense isn't.....the bystanders. You fall out so badly with your husband he leaves the house twice a year, whether his sister texts you really isn't your problem here.

This makes zero sense. They’re full of sympathy for their son/db, it’s OP they are ghosting.

Why are you blaming OP?

goshdoyoumeantobsorude · 04/01/2023 17:13

If you were my DS &DIL, I would leave you both to get on with it and sort it out amongst yourself. They probably don't want to get involved or interfere.

stbmum · 04/01/2023 17:17

His family are possibly persuading him to end this relationship, also they only hear his side of events and are naturally biased.
If BIL is moody because he's gone back it's probably because he's gone against his advice not to.

NumberTheory · 04/01/2023 17:17

I would find that type of relationship exhausting and the instability would drive me a bit mad, but each to their own. Not everyone finds stability satisfying.

His family are, as other posters say, showing you where their loyalties lie. It’s a bit of a brutal way of showing it, given these are short tiffs not you breaking up long term, but it’s pretty straightforward and honest.

You should most definitely take it into consideration in terms of how much you think of them as friends when they are speaking to you. They are your husband’s support first and foremost, they are your friends/support to the extent it benefits your husband. Make sure you spend plenty of time and effort building up a friendship and support network that is primarily loyal to you, not him.

AreOttersJustWetCats · 04/01/2023 17:20

Not everyone finds stability satisfying.

Children tend to need stability though, don't they? The OP has 3 children who are having to live with this.

Prettybutdumb · 04/01/2023 17:22

My husband and I never tell family when we have arguments. They come and go, we’re both aware it’s extremely temporary and we’ll go back to being a tight team in no time.

What is your DH doing leaving the family home and discussing your private business with other people??

KillingLoneliness · 04/01/2023 17:23

This all seems very dramatic OP, why does he stay away for a few days instead of resolving the issue together after you’ve both calmed down? Surely it’s not healthy for the children seeing their dad strop off to his parents/brothers every time you argue?
Also if your arguments are bad enough to need a few days to cool off have you thought about working on why it happens in the first place?

butterfliedtwo · 04/01/2023 17:25

What is your DH doing leaving the family home?

Maybe OP throws him out of the family home.

StrawberryWater · 04/01/2023 17:27

This relationship isn’t healthy.

But yes, rightly or wrongly, they will side with him. They’re his family. God only knows what he tells them but you can bet your house that you’re always the bad guy.

SchnauzerEyebrows · 04/01/2023 17:30

thunderstruckk · 04/01/2023 15:12

You're married but every 6 months break up?!

If I was in their position, I wouldn't be talking to you either during that break up period, I'd be supporting my family member. Especially if you do it like clockwork and I know you'll be back together in a few days - I'd concentrate on my family member then check in with you when it was all blown over. Tbh I'd probably only be being nice to you to keep relations civil, I can't imagine being best friends with someone who split up with my brother / son every 6 months after a massive row.

Wow! The automatic assumption that it's allllll OP's fault that the arguments are happening because it's HER in the wrong and that SHE breaks up with him! Just wow....

whataboutsecondbreakfast · 04/01/2023 17:32

I would find that type of relationship exhausting and the instability would drive me a bit mad, but each to their own. Not everyone finds stability satisfying.

It's not as simple as "each to their own" when there are children involved, though.

Moonpies · 04/01/2023 17:32

It's contradictory, either you break up for some time if there is enough time for your ILs to stop communication with you OR you only have a row and your DH pops by his mother ? Or how often do you communicate with them, multiple times a day?

OooScotland · 04/01/2023 17:33

What’s weird is that you row so badly that you need to spend days apart, multiple times a year and you think that’s normal. Grow up, both of you.

Boringcookingquestion · 04/01/2023 17:34

I’d be more concerned that you’re having arguments that are bad enough for one of you to go stay elsewhere twice a year. Are you generally happy in your relationship?

BedfordBloo · 04/01/2023 17:35

My SIL and DBro have a rocky relationship. Each time they argue, she messages the rest of us insisting we tell him off. My DSis used to oblige every time, whether he was in the wrong or not, which exacerbated the whole thing and caused issues in the family dynamic. Now, when they row, we ignore her messages. I have no issue with her but I’m not going to be used as a pawn to manipulate and control DBro or make him feel that, if they broke up, I’d support her regardless of who is wrong. It’s perfectly acceptable that they prioritise him over you - he’s their family. Do your family make contact with him when you break up?

Also, it’s not normal to do this, you should really see a marriage counsellor to figure out why you think this is ok.

ShimmeringShirts · 04/01/2023 17:35

If you’re separating twice a year it’s time to call an end to the relationship. This isn’t healthy or normal, and of course they’re going to prioritise their family over someone that he breaks up with twice a year!

Seaweed42 · 04/01/2023 17:35

How do you explain to the kids where Dad has gone? Do you argue in front of the kids?

BedfordBloo · 04/01/2023 17:36

Do they ignore you or just not actively reach out to you?

IHateFlies · 04/01/2023 17:38

Hopefully he's not telling them all your private details beyond 'we've had an argument so we both just need some space'

It's true that they're not really your family. If you and dh split up, you'd probably never see them again.
While you're married, it's just decency to get on with your spouses family.

wheredyaparklouissss · 04/01/2023 17:40

No, you're not close with his mum and brother.
If you divorced all those people would be against you in full force.

starfishmummy · 04/01/2023 17:43

Back2schoolyes · 04/01/2023 15:12

No we don’t separate! But he will go to his mums after an argument and be like oh I’ve just popped round because we’ve had a row.

last week he stayed at his brothers for a few days but I felt like we both needed it.

To use that old mumsnet chestnut, you have a dh problem. Why on earth is he running to mummy and daddy when you have a row?

Maybe you need to work on that together and behave like grown ups.

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