DH’s family don’t speak to me when we have a “fallout”

[Back2schoolyes]

Whenever me and DH have a bad row probably twice a year. Usually around Christmas time or summer holidays (like clockwork) when were all cooped up together. none of his family will speak to me. I’m close with his mum and brother and they won’t text me or call me until they know we’re back together.

I said to hubby that it’s made me realise that really they aren’t really my family. If they can’t call or check up on me because we’ve had a row and are having a little break. DH said obviously they are going to side with him.

AIBU to take a step back from them? He came home last night after a few days away and all of a sudden I’ve had messages of the both of them. It just seems very fake to me!

His brother has gone all moody with him as if he he wanted DH stay at his flat with him long term.

This sounds awful for your poor children. Get some marriage counselling. It is not healthy for your children to be growing up in a house where their parents argue to this extent.

From the sounds of it, he tells them because he actually moves in with them (or his brother) for a few days.

So he's leaving your joint dc with you when you have a row as if you're the default parent?

He seems very immature and your marriage is dysfunctional. You can't go on like this. The effect on the dc could be detrimental.

Get counselling either joint or for yourself if he refuses to go.

The OP said "last week he stayed at his brothers for a few days but I felt like we both needed it", so I think it's a bigger deal than just popping for a cuppa. I get the impression he moves out for a few days at least sometimes.

Does your husband talk about you to his mum or does she try to stay out of it even though he has gone to stay there ?

If my children have arguments with their OH I stay out of it completely while being a support for all. It's a fine line between the two I can tell you !

Sounds like they think he should stay broken up with you… how chaotic for your children.

???

You have a row and he goes home. Home to his family. He tell them all about how unreasonable you are and acts like a child.

You accept this too!

Neither of you have worked out how to deal with the repeated stresses of holidays. He just leaves and you wait until he comes back. That isn't healthy for either of you, or your kids.

I have never suggested marriage guidance to anyone before, but I think you both need it!

You're so close to your husbands brother that when you don't hear from him for three days you consider this 'cutting contact'?

I've never 'contacted' any of my lovely brothers in law in my life.

Absolutely agree. OP suggested he moves out twice a year, then furious back-pedalling in further post when it’s been pointed out how dysfunctional this is:

If that’s the case, the in-laws are probably just erring on the side of caution because they think one day he won’t go back.
God op, your dh is the problem, not the in-laws.

What on Earth are you arguing about that’s so bad he has to move out?! Twice a year?

OP- your marriage sounds extremely volatile and heavy on the drama. If he is moving out for a few days on any kind of regular basis, then I would guess it's pretty dramatic in between those times too.

You have choices here, and you are choosing to continue in this dystfunctional situaton. If his parents started getting involved it would feed and escalate the drama - is that what you want? Are you someone who tends to have a lot of drama and instability in your life?

Last year I had an experience woth DHs family that reminded me that they are his family and the basis of their relationship with me is as his wife and the mother of their grandchildren. I felt quite sad as before that I’d always felt close to them almost separately to DH and I’ve not stepped back a bit

If you are not separating, why did you say this I’m close with his mum and brother and they won’t text me or call me until they know we’re back together?

"Popping round" to his mum to vent after an argument sounds really childish of him. He should focus instead on working it out with you! He's not married to his mum.

And actually moving out and staying away from his wife and kids because of a row sounds really extreme! I can't tell from your posts whether that was a one-off or something that happens regularly. Even if just once that's pretty drastic.

I think you might be focusing on the wrong thing here. You and your husband need to be able to ventilate disagreements without all this disruption.

No we don’t separate! But he will go to his mums after an argument and be like oh I’ve just popped round because we’ve had a row.

How often do you row?! I’m not an arguer, and neither is my husband, so admittedly we don’t row - I don’t think we ever have. But I’d consider rowing so badly someone needed to stay elsewhere for space to be relationship-breaking, personally, not something I’d do repeatedly, let alone every six months with children.

And his family know about every one…

This is massively dysfunctional and it’s probably for that reason that they’ve lessened contact, rather than anything else, but their allegiance will always be with their child.

I have a great relationship with my ILs, they are lovely people. But it would be delusional of me to think that they would prioritise me over their son. He's their child, and they will have a relationship with him until they die.

It's not healthy though is it? Most couples do not have this cycle. It's a sign something is fundamentally wrong with the relationship. Massive rows and storming off for several days multiple times is a sign something needs to change.

But yes, yabu as in unrealistic to think his family are going to be checking in on you or 'taking your side'. Tbh they are probably heartily sick of the whole thing by now.

You said in your original post that you are "taking a break" and they don't contact you until they know you are "back together"

Those aren't the words of someone whose partner has stropped off down the road for a cuppa and will be back for dinner.

The truth is you split up for at least several days at least twice every year isn't it? Otherwise your choice of words makes zero sense. You wouldn't be "back together" if you hadn't split up.

Assuming of course he isn't abusing you (and I hope that he's not) then why would his family check up on you because you've had yet another row and split up again? They know that in a few days you'll be on again.

Your husband leaves you and his children to stay at his mother's or brother's for a few days when you argue? How odd. Why don't you both go for relationship counselling?

Op I think you’ve posted not realising your dysfunctional relationship is a much bigger concern than your oh’s mum not texting you for a few days. What is it you’re arguing about? Are you actually asking him to leave? I can see if it’s happening so often and he’s staying in their houses for the duration, it’s less conflicting just to not talk to you for a few days while you cool down. You say they’ve immediately contacted you as soon as he’s come back.

I think it is healthy to have space but I think he sounds pathetic telling his family the details.

He shouldn't be telling his family your personal business

It’s just bizarre to me that they will completely cut contact if they know we’ve had a row.

Your 'rows' involve your spouse leaving the family home, apparently twice a year, for days at a time.

You have far larger issues to focus on than your in-laws reaction, which is 💯fuelled by whatever your husband is telling them. And fairy nuff, if my married relative was coming to bunk on my sofa for days at a time twice a year, I'd want to know WHY.

Healthy to argue to the extent that one person moves out twice a year?

When someone needs that much space, the relationship can't possibly be healthy.

I disagree. This is much better than constant rowing and an unpleasant atmosphere for days after, like I often read about on here.