DH’s family don’t speak to me when we have a “fallout”

[Back2schoolyes]

Whenever me and DH have a bad row probably twice a year. Usually around Christmas time or summer holidays (like clockwork) when were all cooped up together. none of his family will speak to me. I’m close with his mum and brother and they won’t text me or call me until they know we’re back together.

I said to hubby that it’s made me realise that really they aren’t really my family. If they can’t call or check up on me because we’ve had a row and are having a little break. DH said obviously they are going to side with him.

AIBU to take a step back from them? He came home last night after a few days away and all of a sudden I’ve had messages of the both of them. It just seems very fake to me!

His brother has gone all moody with him as if he he wanted DH stay at his flat with him long term.

You know what's better than both those scenarios? Acknowledging that the relationship is over and splitting up. Like adults.

It's unrealistic to expect to never argue.

You shouldn’t be involving the extended family in your rows. It sounds very damaging for everyone involved, have your considered marriage counselling to deal with communication issues that are leading to these rows?

If someone genuinely thinks that the only two options are "arguing to the extent that one person moves out twice a year" or "constant rowing and an unpleasant atmosphere for days after", then I'd assume they'd only ever experienced or been exposed to appallingly bad relationships. Both are very unhealthy.

I genuinely can't remember the last serious argument I had with DH. We disagree sometimes, but blazing rows and the silent treatment? Honestly never.

Most relationships are not this volatile. Nowhere near.

OK, you have a great relationship. Good for you. op's relationship is obviously different to yours.

I don't think that telling someone in the OP's position that her relationship is "different" but perfectly normal is good advice. What she is describing is hugely unhealthy, and I'm not the only poster who has recognised that.

Where do the kids think he is twice a year?

Sounds like your husband is bitching to them about you, my ex's family were awful for no reason until I finally seen the light after comments made that only I would of known. All the time we were together he was moaning about me to his family. Sounds like yours is doing the same.

They just don’t want to get involved??

They probably just don't want to get in the middle of your volatile relationship. That's a good thing

Do you really row every time you and your family are together on holiday, OP? Because that is not normal - they are the times that most families look forward to, being together and having fun.

I doubt your BIL is missing your husband staying at his, he's probably frustrated that the cycle will be starting again. It must be absolutely crap for your children as well.

He moves out twice a yr after a big argument? He needs to grow up.

Have to agree DH is obviously slagging you off to BIL & MIL, this is the reason why no contact is forthcoming. They also may not know what to help the situation.

I imagine behind both your backs MIL & BIL are counting down to the next 6mths

OP

Don't blame the in-laws BLAME your DH for feeding tripe to them ie one sided rubbish.

well it isnt unusual to hear that following a break up their is no more contact with the other halves family. It is naive to think because you have known them for years that on separation it will continue. There is a thread on here where one partner had an affair and the OW has been accepted by the MIL within a short space of time. They will always support their own child and its why you should always maintain your own relationships and don't allow yourself to be distanced from your own family.

What's weird are your 6 monthly fallouts, 'like clockwork'.

What do you tell your DC's whenever you're apart?

They are only your family while you are in a family unit with your DH. If you split, there will be no more contact. If your DH moves out and there is no contact towards the children, I'd be reconsidering the marriage. Are you arguing when you want his help? Is his reaction to leave and dump you with all of the work/children? Eventually your children will work out what's going on.

You do know this isn’t normal, don’t you? None of it, not the family bust up, the moving out, the weird family dynamic - all of that is weird. I’m constantly amazed on here when spouses think they’re an integral part of their spouse’s family. In most cases that’s just not true. The majority of spouses would never or rarely see their ex’s family again in the event of a split, no matter how warm the relationship. When I split with my ex my family dropped him like a tonne of bricks. I get a phone call once or twice a year from his parents, even though I was very close to his mum. In almost all cases blood is much much thicker than water. Your husband is an essential member of his family, you’re a nice to have.

He probably bad mouths you and is overly dramatic when talking about small arguments hence why he leaves the house too. But since u asked about in-laws. They don't treat you as fam so I'd do the same too. It's fake.

You and your husband, who are grown ups with three children have such serious rows that he leaves the house for hours or days and immediately goes to his family to tell on you, and tell them all your business, despite knowing they won’t talk to you after that.
your issue is him.

what are they meant to do? They obviously can’t get involved.
you’re focusing on the wrong thing

So who does all the childcare when he goes?
if you know it’s like clockwork why aren’t you both preempting it.

poor dc

Do you really row every time you and your family are together on holiday, OP? Because that is not normal - they are the times that most families look forward to, being together and having fun.

Come off it lol. Tons of threads about shitty christmases due to arsehole husbands.

It's not "fake" to prioritise your relationship with your child over your relationship with your DIL/SIL. It's totally normal. I've only known parents to take the DIL/SILs side very rarely, such as where there has been abuse.

They're probably staying away cos one of these days the breakup will be final. Sounds hugely dysfunctional.

Do you tell the children their dad has moved back to granny's for a bit? Come on. Time to speak to someone or shut it down.

What? I genuinely dont know anyone in a relationship where they row so badly the other has to stay away from home for even a night let alone a few nights! Thats not healthy or normal.

Id say me and DH every 18 months or so have a blow out row about something and we normally make up that day or at absolute worst the next morning, one of us having having slept in a huff in the spare room. Leaving the marital home would be a huge thing!