DH’s family don’t speak to me when we have a “fallout”

[Back2schoolyes]

Whenever me and DH have a bad row probably twice a year. Usually around Christmas time or summer holidays (like clockwork) when were all cooped up together. none of his family will speak to me. I’m close with his mum and brother and they won’t text me or call me until they know we’re back together.

I said to hubby that it’s made me realise that really they aren’t really my family. If they can’t call or check up on me because we’ve had a row and are having a little break. DH said obviously they are going to side with him.

AIBU to take a step back from them? He came home last night after a few days away and all of a sudden I’ve had messages of the both of them. It just seems very fake to me!

His brother has gone all moody with him as if he he wanted DH stay at his flat with him long term.

How’s he or the relationship going to grow if he goes to them each time, if he doesn’t have to face any recurring themes?

Or as others have said, does he just want a few days off?

What stood out for me is when you get any space, OP? Do you get any time away? Also, do you have a support network separate to inlaws? My worry is that their perspective (his and his family’s) would start to loom larger in your world, and that’s how isolation builds up.

I’m Asian and my in laws are like this, the reason I mention this is because I genuinely think it’s a ‘thing’ in my community. My family are more likely to be objective should there be a problem but I think that is due to patriarchy and them wanting to keep the man sweet.

In laws see you as an outsider yet the difference here probably is that my in laws expect me to fit in like a member of their family, visit often, be lovely yet this is only one way. My Dh and I don’t really fight and certainly not him running off to them, but if he says the sky is green and I say it’s blue, they will say he is right.
Over the years this blind loyalty has caused me to distance myself and due to various toxic behaviours I have actually gone very low contact. I don’t mind them blindly taking dh’s side as it’s often trivial but I look at the bigger picture and all their other behaviours towards me.

There is no care or concern shown towards me and I always say treat people the way you want to be treated and if they’re going to behave like that then you need to act accordingly too.
Relationships work both ways, something some people can’t get their head around. I do agree with others that it is weird that he storms off to them when you have an argument, I wonder what tales he tells them as he seems quite immature and might be making them dislike you by blaming everything on you. This isn’t really about that but My Dh wouldn’t do that, he’s more likely to act like I’m the best thing to keep them ‘liking’ me.

anyway the way i see it is the in laws can treat you how they want, as long as they don’t expect you to be lovely to them so feel free to deal with them how you want. Fuck being kind. If they are hurt by your withdrawal then it shows their double
standards really.

So two adults argue so badly that one leaves and one is left to parent alone. Over and over again.
That is not a marriage.

I suspect they aren't investing in a relationship with you because they don't expect the marriage to last.

However, your DH's way of dealing with conflict is very immature and I wouldn't want to be married to him anyway.

How completely crap for the children. None of us is a perfect parent, but if this is happening "like clockwork", you're choosing to inflict this dysfunctional drama on them. That's a bigger problem than your husband's family "siding with him" (which is playground talk anyway).

So every time you have an argument he fucks off to his brothers, ditching you with all three kids? What an absolute prince. Fuck him off. Don’t let him back in next time.

My husband and I haven’t done this in 27 years. We argue but don’t go to family to escape and complain. Odd behaviour. Your in-laws are behaving appropriately under the volatile circumstances.

This sounds like a pretty dysfunctional relationship to me.

Oh yeah regardless of my opinion on your Dh, to answer your actual question, no I don’t think yabu to take a step back from them, they are (rightly or wrongly) showing you who their loyalties lie with so they shouldn’t be surprised when you start to treat them differently too.

The “stay for the Children” argument?

It’s impossible to know if OP and her partner would be likely to develop a more stable environment if they didn’t take a few days apart a couple of times a year. Maybe they’d end up divorced/separated and still not be able to make things stable. Maybe they’d stay together and seethe or shout at each other and the kids wouldn’t be any better off and neither would the adults. Maybe they’d suddenly become able to resolve their emotions without arguing or getting upset with each other, though that seems particularly unlikely. In an ideal world, kids would all be in well resourced, stable homes with parents who loved them. But you can’t necessarily get to that from every current family situation.

I'm not saying they should stay together! I was responding to a poster who said the instability was fine if that was what the OP wants. But it isn't fine - because she has children.

Living with a single parent would be a far more stable environment for the kids than what is currently going on!

If you’re having rows that are so serious, he feels like he needs to stay with his family for a couple of days, you have bigger problems than his family taking sides. This really isn’t normal or healthy. Especially if they’re happening at times when you’re ‘cooped up’ together. All couples occasionally annoy the other one. That’s normal. But you’re arguing to the point of separation over something that should be a bicker at most. Do either of you have problems controlling your tempers? Or are you saying things you don’t mean in the heat of the moment?

You’re obviously not as close to his mum or his brother as you think you are. They’re showing you that they will cut you dead if you separate permanently and that you will get absolutely no support from them. Again, that’s not great when you have children. It doesn’t sound like they consider you to be family. Why is your DH telling them about your rows? It sounds like he’s making you out to be the instigator of these rows and you’re getting the blame. If one of my relatives came to stay with me a couple of times a year because they’d argued with their partner, I’d be encouraging them to call it a day. Perhaps they don’t think you should be together? Either way, it’s you and your DH that is causing this problem, not your in laws.

Like others, what I find weird is that you don't seem to think it is odd or newsworthy that you are married with 3 dc, yet twice a year you split up

Like most couples, I suspect, dh and I have had disagreements over things, or arguments, but never once have either of us involved anyone other than the two of us. Let alone left home. My in-laws (nor my own family) wouldn't have a clue if dh and I fell out about something as that would be between the two of us. Same as I have no idea when any of them have argued with their spouses, and I have no idea when my adult dc and their partners have had a row, or falling out.

If ever anyone in my extended family did separate for a while, I wouldn't interfere, and certainly wouldn't be texting the in-law.

If you have kids and are arguing to the point where he needs a little holiday at his parents, you both need to grow up a bit.

YANBu to pull back from them. YABU to expect them to take your side and call you to check how you are. My SIL used to create drama with my brother and then keep calling my mum. After a few episodes it didn't go down well.

I was the poster you quoted. And I didn’t say instability was fine. I said not everyone finds it satisfying. And my post above is pointing out that staying together or splitting up won’t necessarily bring stability. There are also other issues with splitting up, for instance a greater likelihood of poverty that would have its own negative impact.

And I'd add to that - him keep staying with his family and presumably discussing your relationship problems with them does not set the stage for a good relationship with your in-laws, and I wouldn't be comfortable with him telling tales to them at all. It's pretty immature.

When you say not everyone finds stability satisfying are you meaning those people who love drama?

Some people who don’t find stability satisfying probably turn to drama as a way to try and scratch that itch.

He’s dragging his family into the issues and moving out to stay with his brother?
Twice a year?
That sounds very dramatic for you all.
They're his family and are probably bored of the recurring drama and are staying out of it the best they can considering the circumstances!

This is a three month old thread and the OP has not been back.

Sorry I only joined today and when I commented on a new post it brought up similar threads. I didn’t check the dates before commenting. I’m new to this kind of thing!