Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend left me sitting alone at her baby shower ...aibu to be annoyed?

238 replies

aailope · 04/01/2023 11:36

It was my friends baby shower (who is Italian ) and the majority of her friends are Italian and obviously her family.
She asked me if I would help her decorate the venue for her baby shower.
So I went over 2 hours before and helped.
Then she told me to go have a rest and pointed me to a table.
So off I go and sit down,assuming this is the table we are sitting at.
Now bare in mind I know nobody else.
So all the guests start arriving and sitting at tables (nobody sits at my double as nobody knows me )
A hour passes I'm still sat there alone and everyone is here and all chatting away (mostly in Italian )
I notice my friends family all sat at one table and my friend sat with them.
After 2 hours my friends sister comes over and asks me to join there table.
I felt ridiculous.
I felt like a total idiot,I have anxiety to start with so wasn't going to just get up and join any table.
Now if that was me I would of put her on the table with her family from the start.
Aibu to be annoyed ?

OP posts:
phoenixrosehere · 04/01/2023 17:27

clairelouwho · 04/01/2023 17:17

Honestly, YANBU.

For everyone saying she got caught up in "hosting." Hosting who exactly? Part of hosting is making sure that people feel included and not left out. I don't necessarily think the friend is in the wrong here or a bad friend-potentially a poor host if she happily allowed a friend who knew no one and didn't speak the language to sit alone for 2 hours-but I doubt it was intentional.

However, I can fully appreciate where OP is coming from. I have social anxiety too, and would really struggle to simply get up and join a table full of people that I don't know and don't fully speak the language. If you don't have SA, you don't really know what it's like and for everyone saying "you're an adult" yes, she is, but if it was that simple, SA wouldn't exist, would it?

Yes, OP's anxiety is not anyone else's responsibility, but one would make an assumption and not an unfair one at that-that if a friend invites you to an event where you don't know anyone-they would make an effort to try and introduce you and involve you somehow. That doesn't mean that OP expected her friend to be by her side all day, acting as translator.

It's pretty basic hosting skills, IMO and failing to do that, means she failed as a hostess. I wouldn't necessarily raise it, OP, but I understand where you're coming from completely and just maybe don't attend events with her if you don't know anyone else or work on your SA if you can to build your confidence.

It's not UR to expect a host to introduce their guests and anyone saying otherwise is a poor host.

It's not UR to expect a host to introduce their guests and anyone saying otherwise is a poor host.

It’s also not unreasonable to ask if you’re unsure about something. I’m curious how long OP sat there before people arrived. OP says she made an assumption, her friend did not tell her that was her seat. This could have easily been solved by her asking about seating to begin with. If she had to go to the loo, was she going to sit there until someone told her she could go? Very doubtful.

clairelouwho · 04/01/2023 17:31

phoenixrosehere · 04/01/2023 17:27

It's not UR to expect a host to introduce their guests and anyone saying otherwise is a poor host.

It’s also not unreasonable to ask if you’re unsure about something. I’m curious how long OP sat there before people arrived. OP says she made an assumption, her friend did not tell her that was her seat. This could have easily been solved by her asking about seating to begin with. If she had to go to the loo, was she going to sit there until someone told her she could go? Very doubtful.

Show quote history

Sure, she could have asked beforehand what the seating arrangements were-and in future, OP may need to do this.

However, with a decent host, that wouldn't have been necessary as introductions would have been made and guests wouldn't be left to sit on their own for 2 hours.

phoenixrosehere · 04/01/2023 17:42

clairelouwho · 04/01/2023 17:31

Sure, she could have asked beforehand what the seating arrangements were-and in future, OP may need to do this.

However, with a decent host, that wouldn't have been necessary as introductions would have been made and guests wouldn't be left to sit on their own for 2 hours.

Show quote history

I agree that the hostess could have done better and who knows maybe it was her first time, but I doubt her friend never walked away from her family during those two hours where OP could have gotten up and talked to her when she was away from her family.

Americano75 · 04/01/2023 18:19

If you don't have SA, you don't really know what it's like and for everyone saying "you're an adult" yes, she is, but if it was that simple, SA wouldn't exist, would it?

Well said @clairelouwho, as if anyone would actually fucking choose to be crippled with anxiety.

notacooldad · 04/01/2023 18:48

How would you do this if they didn't speak your language and you didn't speak theirs?
Just curious to know how you would start a conversation if it was you in OPs shoes
Hey friend! I've had my rest now :) Can I help with anything, I feel like a spare part at the moment!!!

If you don't have SA, you don't really know what it's like and for everyone saying "you're an adult" yes, she is, but if it was that simple, SA wouldn't exist, would it?

No but that why I have a set of strategies in place including time limits on how long I am going to stay, how I can make an escape if it gets too much, who to avoid if they seem too loud etc. It's up to me to manage my anxiety, In the OP's shoes I would have felt more stressed by sitting alone for 2 hours and looking out of place. my strategies would have kicked and removed me from the situation. Once I realised that I was struggling I would have slipped away and sent a text telling friend to have a lovely evening and that her family look they are having a great time and I'll catch up soon. I wouldn't blame friend. No ones perfect and as long as she is a good friend usually, no harm done. It's hard work when you are hosting a party and someone keeps wanting to catch up or have a chat and you are trying to keep tabs on everyone.

floradora · 04/01/2023 18:52

Glittersparkle76 · 04/01/2023 17:20

How would you do this if they didn't speak your language and you didn't speak theirs?
Just curious to know how you would start a conversation if it was you in OPs shoes.

Show quote history

Hello, (holding out hand to shake hands) I'm @aailope , I work with Mumtobe host. I'm sorry I don't speak much Italian! [big smile] - Are you a sister/ aunt/ ...?

meloonhead · 04/01/2023 18:59

To be fair, introductions are the easy part. If these people all know each other and speak the same language- where do you go from there?

What happens after you go through the basic "I work as X. I live near Y? Just sit there quietly as they talk about mutual friends and their families, jobs, hobbies? Your not going to have a clue.

It would've been best to avoid altogether, it wasn't ever going to work out if everyone is familiar and your not - unless you're hugely extroverted!

FOTTFSOFTFOASM · 04/01/2023 19:36

@OnlyFannys I find it very frustrating that people misuse the label and also posts like yours that seem to insinuate it's not a genuine medical issue for many people

You've hit the nail very firmly on the head here. Some people - a very small minority - do suffer from a collection of debilitating mental health conditions, of which severe anxiety is one. The OP's update suggests that she may be one of these people; if so, that is rotten for her (and for you, as you are clearly in this category too). So is my mum, as it happens.

The problem is precisely that the label is so grossly misused that anyone who feels a bit anxious/fearful/apprehensive about things that it's perfectly normal to feel apprehensive about (meeting new people, giving a speech, a job interview, performing on stage and all kinds of other reasons) claims that they "have anxiety". It then becomes their reason not to do anything that makes them feel even remotely uncomfortable. It tends to be younger people whose parents have devoted themselves slavishly to putting their child's happiness at the centre of everything. Said children then find it hard to do things that make them feel anything other than in their comfort zone - and in turn say that they "have anxiety". That was my point which MNHQ had no good reason to delete (though it does show how modish "having anxiety" has become, if MNHQ is afraid of anyone questioning the validity of a diagnosis - often a self-diagnosis - in every single case).

menopausalbloat · 04/01/2023 19:56

If she knows you suffer from anxiety then yes, she was fucking rude not to make sure you were ok.
My partner has Social anxiety so I know how hard things can be socially.

Cherrysherbet · 04/01/2023 20:07

I’ve been in a similar situation with a friend…twice!

I will never go to another of her events.

I felt like a lemon. It’s just rude.

TheBerry · 04/01/2023 20:55

YABU.

I used to have crippling social anxiety (mostly overcome now after years of working on it) so I get how it feels, but it’s not on other people to cater to your anxieties.

It isn’t your friend’s job to nanny you, especially on her day when she’s very busy welcoming guests. She offered you a table to sit and rest at, but that doesn’t mean you then have to sit glued to that table by yourself all evening. That is very strange behaviour. Again, I understand why, but it’s something you need to work on for your own well-being and personal development.

The normal thing to do would be to join your friend’s table once people started arriving.

As an adult you have to take personal responsibility, social anxiety or not. Biting the bullet and challenging your anxieties is something you will have to do at some point.

WandaWonder · 04/01/2023 21:02

aailope · 04/01/2023 11:47

It's not so easy for someone with anxiety to just walk up to random people and join in.
It was a big thing for me

But that is not anyone else's fault, sure we can all have opinions on what should have happened but you are an adult, I do get it's hard and I have issues sometimes but that I my issue no one else's

I have times where I don't speak to people but that is my choice, then I realise what I am doing and have a chat

OnlyFannys · 04/01/2023 21:17

FOTTFSOFTFOASM · 04/01/2023 19:36

@OnlyFannys I find it very frustrating that people misuse the label and also posts like yours that seem to insinuate it's not a genuine medical issue for many people

You've hit the nail very firmly on the head here. Some people - a very small minority - do suffer from a collection of debilitating mental health conditions, of which severe anxiety is one. The OP's update suggests that she may be one of these people; if so, that is rotten for her (and for you, as you are clearly in this category too). So is my mum, as it happens.

The problem is precisely that the label is so grossly misused that anyone who feels a bit anxious/fearful/apprehensive about things that it's perfectly normal to feel apprehensive about (meeting new people, giving a speech, a job interview, performing on stage and all kinds of other reasons) claims that they "have anxiety". It then becomes their reason not to do anything that makes them feel even remotely uncomfortable. It tends to be younger people whose parents have devoted themselves slavishly to putting their child's happiness at the centre of everything. Said children then find it hard to do things that make them feel anything other than in their comfort zone - and in turn say that they "have anxiety". That was my point which MNHQ had no good reason to delete (though it does show how modish "having anxiety" has become, if MNHQ is afraid of anyone questioning the validity of a diagnosis - often a self-diagnosis - in every single case).

I didn't realise your post was deleted (it wasnt me that reported), I perhaps misinterpreted your insinuation as it appeared to suggest "anxiety" is a made up condition and it would appear others thought the same due to it being deleted, I agree with your follow up post though.

Saltywalruss · 04/01/2023 21:28

However, with a decent host, that wouldn't have been necessary as introductions would have been made and guests wouldn't be left to sit on their own for 2 hours
Yes, in British culture you normally introduce people to eachother, but in other cultures people just start chatting without needing to be introduced. I don't know what Italian culture is like though.

Isthisexpected · 04/01/2023 21:59

Hello, (holding out hand to shake hands) I'm @aailope , I work with Mumtobe host. I'm sorry I don't speak much Italian! [big smile] - Are you a sister/ aunt/ ...?

^ Total aside but do you do hand shakes at a social occasion with other mums? I don't think I have seen this at all since 2020 but even before then wouldn't have outstretched my hand unless a work event.

MoreSleepPleasee · 04/01/2023 22:43

Yabu op and can't blame your friend for your major social anxiety.

SerenWantsItAll · 05/01/2023 04:54

I would have a talk with your friend about your anxiety and what social gatherings are like for you.

I am a very introverted person and, honestly, an hour spent 1:1 with the host, helping them prepare, followed by two hours of people-watching from a table I had all to myself is, hands down, the best party I could imagine.

I think alot of people confuse introversion and social anxiety, your friend may well have thought she was doing you a favour leaving you to observe from your own space rather than putting pressure on you to socialise.

mathanxiety · 05/01/2023 05:08

Have you had therapy to address your anxiety?

caramellandscape · 05/01/2023 05:18

RobertsRadio · 04/01/2023 12:20

Sounds like she just used you decorate her baby shower. You should probably have just gone home seeing as you are too anxious to speak to "random people" and don't speak Italian.

I don't think she was just using OP, as she was happy to / sent the sister over to invite OP to where family was sat, which is very intimate and welcoming. And a central space.

Perhaps she thought OP was taking a rest at the side at first (don't think it was assigned tables, she just made a random hand gesture). Then was preoccupied hosting, before realising "hey I haven't seen OP for ages".

Also was it literally 1 and 2 hrs? Fair if you were watching the clock on your phone out of anxiety, but if not these kinds of situations can feel way longer than in reality

caramellandscape · 05/01/2023 05:28

Squamata · 04/01/2023 13:52

You had a bad time and you were anxious. Doesn't mean it's your friend's fault.

I've hung out with Italians a bit, they all do this big group thing where everyone is thrown in together and acts like a big chaotic family. It's expected that you will get in the thick of it, not wait on the sidelines to be asked to join in. I think it's a cultural thing that you think is rude but it isn't to an Italian. They're just not wallflowers.

So basically, she didn't do much to make you comfortable, in some cultures that's rude, I think for an Italian you're just expected to be a bit more robust.

I was going to say! An Italian do I think is hardly going to be assigned seating, I'm guessing it was chaotic like previous Italian gatherings I've been at. Friend not the best/most observant host, but again given the whole "come and sit with our family" (centre of attention) thing, I don't think she wanted OP sidelined at all. Also again depends on literally 2h or maybe it just felt like 2h?

caramellandscape · 05/01/2023 05:34

Another possibility is friend did see OP chatting with others and thought she was mingling OK? It's uncomfortable seeing someone sit alone, and Italians are a friendly bunch. Over the course of 2 hrs, it's probable at least a few people approached OP to try and strike up a conversation with her? But went awkwardly/ended prematurely due to anxiety and OP's perception she was still on the sidelines (not OP's fault, I've been there) maybe?

Sorry to triple post but interested in this, as a socially anxious person who nonetheless loves big gatherings! Don't want to invalidate what a tough time OP had either and host should have been more gracious. But don't think a user would say come sit with my family

FrozenGhost · 05/01/2023 05:35

I completely understand how you feel OP, but I'd probably try not to dwell on it. Your friend wasn't the perfect host but it's also understandable what happened, time probably got away from her, etc.

Not every social occasion goes well. I'm quite shy but even the most social people out there have events where they can't think of anything to say, conversations just aren't working, put foot in mouth, can't work out how to approach people, wrong outfit or just can't seem to get in the mood. Chalk this one up as one that didn't go well, no ones fault, and try to forget about it.

ArcticSkewer · 05/01/2023 05:40

The more time you spend blaming other people for your reactions, the more of your life you are wasting.

Your assumption that a table you were shown to rest at = stay here for the rest of the party - what an odd assumption!

Are you sure that's not just an excuse you are making for why you sat like a lemon and didn't talk to anyone for two hours?

What did you previously think the party would go like for you? You knew your friend was Italian, most of her friends were Italian, her family was coming and they were Italian, you don't speak Italian, you have crippling social anxiety. What made you think this social event would go well for you and what were you imagining would happen? Did you check that assumption with the host? eg perhaps you were thinking 'my heavily pregnant friend will personally look after me at a large party where the entire focus is on her' or 'my heavily pregnant friend will ensure she invites English speakers and assigns them a role to translate everything ' or 'my heavily pregnant friend will ensure that English rather than Italian social conventions are followed at her baby shower of Italian people with one English person '.

You ask if you would be unreasonable to be pissed off - yes - externalising your sadness about your own deficits in social situations and your random assumption making would be unreasonable. More than that, it would be unhelpful. Do you plan on going through life this way? Why?

Bagsundermyeyestoday · 05/01/2023 05:41

She should've been a better host and introduced you to people, but you're an adult and she's not your babysitter. You need to make conversations with people yourself (and I understand this is hard, as I can be a bit shy in situations where I don't know anyone myself)

InsomniacVampire · 05/01/2023 06:16

GreenManalishi · 04/01/2023 11:43

I appreciate that social situations aren't easy for you, but instead of sitting where you were put for two hours, would it not have been possible to get up and join another table?

She was probably really distracted, hosting is hectic and she more than likely didn't expect you to sit there like you were glued to the chair, it's probably an oversight.

Join a table where a bunch of friends speak another language between themselves and don't pay any attention to you, sounds great :)