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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend left me sitting alone at her baby shower ...aibu to be annoyed?

238 replies

aailope · 04/01/2023 11:36

It was my friends baby shower (who is Italian ) and the majority of her friends are Italian and obviously her family.
She asked me if I would help her decorate the venue for her baby shower.
So I went over 2 hours before and helped.
Then she told me to go have a rest and pointed me to a table.
So off I go and sit down,assuming this is the table we are sitting at.
Now bare in mind I know nobody else.
So all the guests start arriving and sitting at tables (nobody sits at my double as nobody knows me )
A hour passes I'm still sat there alone and everyone is here and all chatting away (mostly in Italian )
I notice my friends family all sat at one table and my friend sat with them.
After 2 hours my friends sister comes over and asks me to join there table.
I felt ridiculous.
I felt like a total idiot,I have anxiety to start with so wasn't going to just get up and join any table.
Now if that was me I would of put her on the table with her family from the start.
Aibu to be annoyed ?

OP posts:

JulieMarooley · 04/01/2023 11:55

It sounds terrible and I can totally understand why you felt unable to just go and introduce yourself to a table of people who were talking Italian and all knew each other.

Really she should just have not invited you to this. Who wants to sit and try to make polite conversation in broken language, I’ve been there and it’s painful for all concerned.

Given that she did invite you she should have at least introduced you to a few people and got you somewhere to sit.

RheanaT · 04/01/2023 11:56

I agree with you OP, I think that was pretty shitty of her. She should have directed her family to where you were sitting or asked you to move to their table.

Isthisexpected · 04/01/2023 11:57

If you can't get up within two hours and say mind if I join you then not sure why you even went.

Hosts shouldn't need to be responsible for guests' mental health issues at social events.

Edinburghmusing · 04/01/2023 11:59

It was a careless oversight.

but as someone has said - your anxiety issues are yours but everyone elses

there is a difference between social anxiety and being self absorbed.

i have one friend with social anxiety who takes great steps to manage it herself.

i have another friend who expects the whole world to revolve around it

it was your friends babyshower. Your inability to walk across a room and talk to a grown adult is not her responsibility

GoAgainstNicki · 04/01/2023 12:00

YABU

Crunchymum · 04/01/2023 12:00

You're clearly upset about it and nothing anyone says here will change that but what do you want from this thread? Do you want advice as to whether to raise this issue with your friend or not? Or do you just want vindication?

It sucks, you had an uncomfortable experience and you know now not to repeat it.

Friend wasn't a very gracious host but it's done now.

OnlyFannys · 04/01/2023 12:01

I have anxiety and would have struggled in this situation also. Were there no games or anything to bring the group together? I would probably have made my excuses and left

meloonhead · 04/01/2023 12:02

OnlyFannys · 04/01/2023 12:01

I have anxiety and would have struggled in this situation also. Were there no games or anything to bring the group together? I would probably have made my excuses and left

Me too. Probably wouldn't have even attended if I didn't know anyone else that's awkward AF.

I don't think she's to blame, not you OP.

meloonhead · 04/01/2023 12:03

Nor you*

Nobody to blame here.

BeeColourful · 04/01/2023 12:05

YABU. Your anxiety is not something for anyone else to have to manage or take into consideration.

Porcinimushroom · 04/01/2023 12:08

I think she thought you were having a rest, clearly she either thought you’d join or was caught up. Does she know your anxiety is so severe you were unable to walk over and say hi that someone needed to support you?

fruitbrewhaha · 04/01/2023 12:08

Goodness, you sat for 2 hours on your own like a lemon, really you should have made an excuse to get up and go and talk to someone. Not everyone is an excellent conversationalist, lots of people are shy but you could have easily in 2 hours come up with something to say. Lots of italians have some english, even if broken you can find something to talk about.

You've one life OP and if social anxiety means you'll sit on your own rather than try then you are missing out.

NotQuiteHere · 04/01/2023 12:09

You should be able to take care of yourself and not to rely on your busy pregnant friend.

Ihatethenewlook · 04/01/2023 12:09

aailope · 04/01/2023 11:47

It's not so easy for someone with anxiety to just walk up to random people and join in.
It was a big thing for me

I’m with you on this one op. It’s all very well people telling you what you should have done, but as your friend she should have been aware that you couldn’t. You were good enough a friend that she asked you to come over 2 hours early to set her party up, but not good enough that she didn’t notice you for the entire party and left you sitting anxious and uncomfortable. I used to be like you and I know what it’s like. Luckily I’m the complete opposite now and I look after my friends who are like this. One of my best friends I’d never leave alone in this situation. I can also tell by her body language when she’s had enough and wants to slope off (I can see her physically withdrawing) and I help her extricate herself so she can leave. I guess there are a lot of people who think that as an adult everything should be on you, and not the person who’s put you in this situation.

Cuppasoupmonster · 04/01/2023 12:10

YABU. You’re an adult, you should be perfectly capable of introducing yourself to people without an ‘appropriate adult’. If there’s a language barrier just sit in the group and nod/smile. It’s a baby shower, only a couple of hours.

WinnieFosterReads · 04/01/2023 12:11

How did you expect the baby shower to go when you were invited? You knew before you went that you didn't really know anyone and that there was a language barrier for you. If you expected your friend to stay beside you and act as translator then you were being UR. You accepted the invite so she probably assumed you were happy to speak to people you didn't really know and were willing to make an effort to mix.

Cuppasoupmonster · 04/01/2023 12:11

And I don’t feel the anxiety changes anything to be honest, very much your issue to work through.

Coffeellama · 04/01/2023 12:12

aailope · 04/01/2023 11:47

It's not so easy for someone with anxiety to just walk up to random people and join in.
It was a big thing for me

But this wasn’t your party, and it wasn’t about you. She told you to have a rest not sit there for the party. And again it’s her party, so yes she was caught up talking to the other guests. I can see how it wasn’t realistic for you to get up and move tables, but that’s actually not her fault.

Porcinimushroom · 04/01/2023 12:17

Coffeellama · 04/01/2023 12:12

Show quote history

I have to agree it isn’t her fault.

what are you doing about your anxiety op, have you got medical help? This is very extreme where you need an adult to support you in this way. I applaud you for going, and making an effort, in the face of this disabling condition, but I think it’s important to understand how you can help yourself better and take responsibility for yourself

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 04/01/2023 12:17

Yanbu, your friend was wrong, she knew there was a language barrier & that you hadn’t met the other guests as Host she is responsible for her guests experience. And being your friend she would be aware of your personality and anxiety.

OnlyFannys · 04/01/2023 12:18

I think there are a lot of people replying who really dont understand social anxiety with comments saying you are an adult you are capable of introducing yourself. It's like saying to someone with depression to just cheer up and get on with it. I've had panic attacks while trying to integrate into groups of people I dont know, it's not as simple as just pushing yourself when you have mental health issues.

RobertsRadio · 04/01/2023 12:20

Sounds like she just used you decorate her baby shower. You should probably have just gone home seeing as you are too anxious to speak to "random people" and don't speak Italian.

Y7drama · 04/01/2023 12:20

I wouldn’t have been able to stand up and introduce myself to tables of people when they don’t necessarily speak my language. That’s really hard. To be honest you did well to stay there, I’d have left.

Pothoswithasparkle · 04/01/2023 12:21

This is not on her.
I would absolutely not expect adult to sit for 2 hours where I put them to rest.

And I don't believe for a second it was two hours and you didn't even go and try to speak to her.

RoseslnTheHospital · 04/01/2023 12:21

I do wonder what you imagined the event would be like, given that the large majority of the guests would be speaking Italian, and the only person you actually knew was the host. I appreciate that if you had anxiety it is very difficult to socialise in that instance, but it was always going to be a difficult event to be able to integrate with the other guests.

As others have said, if anything like this happens again, use getting up to get a drink/food/go to the loo as an opportunity to reposition yourself. It's a shame it took 2 hours for you to be invited over, I can see why you're annoyed, but I would just let it go and try not to let it bother you and affect the friendship. I doubt your friend meant to upset you, and probably was busy with family and didn't realise you were feeling upset.

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